Brother

Losing a sibling
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Its coming up to 3 years since my older brother died. Still seems like a bad dream. I cant talk to him about tv programmes and day to day stuff. I cried every day for 2 years. Now it is just under the surface

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Hello @SueMa,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. It sounds as though things are still very tough for you at the moment and you are missing him a lot.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,

Alex

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Hi SueMa, I know how you feel. I lost my brother in February 2022 at the age of 74. I am the younger one, 71 now. We always had a good relationship. - It is as you said, not many have a good relation with their sibling. Many siblings do not get on at all.

We were lucky, but now, we suffer. - Nick

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Hi Nick

Yes, the price you pay. He was 65. We became closer after mum died four years prior and closer still when he was diagnosed with cancer and died 5 months later. I moved in to care for him. Your bereavement is very recent. Must have been a big shock and not easy

Sue

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Hi Sue,

I have just found your post again. How are you. It is now two years and five months since I lost my brother. I thought it would be a bit batter by now. Well, there was a short time when I thought it would get better but it got worse after my brother’s house became my house. I do not know why but it is getting worse at the moment. All I can do is wait. It would be nice to read some good news. I have have just noticed that you have not posted anything since September 2023.

I hope you are feeling better now. All the best.

Nick

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Hello Nick

Thanks for thinking of me. I left the Community as I rarely had any response but have gone back in. I also find it hard to negotiate the reply system.

Sorry that you are having a bad time. Completely understandable. Guessing you shared a lot of interests as we did, being close in age.

It will be 4 years in August this year. Christmas was good. I thought i would never be interested in Christmas again. But Easter was really hard. His birthday was June and as soon as June started i was in bits. Better in July.

I feel as if he is with me all the time so think that is a bit of progress.

Hope you are able to enjoy the long days.

Regards

Sue

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Hello Sue

They changed the website some time ago and I find it a bit confusing too.

My brother and I were always together except for the time when he was in his teens. There was also a time when he lived in England and I still Germany. I left Germany after my national service and spent 4 year here in England. I had the best time of my life here. Spent some years again back in Germany during the early 80s, could not get a job here. Worked for the HSBC bank for about a year. My brother wanted to buy a bigger house but could not get a mortgage because he worked freelance. I asked my boss what I could do. He made a short phone call and I got the mortgage, no problem. I then then “sold” the house to my brother some years later.

Have lived here now since the mid 80s and never looked back. It might sound strange but I never did like living in Germany when I got older.

I have managed to ignore Christmas and other days like Easter so far but cannot ignore the 14th of February.

I still have some odd days when I want tell him something and have not worked out how to stop it.

I will go the park again an a few minutes and spoil the dogs again.

I hope you will have a good afternoon today.

Nick

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Hello Nick

Last night there waa something on TV that was relevant to my bro and I, and for the first time, I didnt have the unbearable pain of not being able to share it with him. But today I went into garden and its “flying ant day”. Reminded me of when that happened on way to hospital in London and we had to have car windows shut. Unbearable memory. Then when some delivery men left, i thought of something my mum used to say. Both these things were painful.

Hope it will be a good thing, in the long run, to be in your Brother’s house.

Kind regards

Sue

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Hello Sue

I have thought of selling my brother’s house but it would have been impossible. Five bedrooms in my brother’s house but only two bedrooms in my bungalow.

The house is over full at the moment but don’t know why. I only brought over the two TVs, my speakers and my bed over to the house. OK, there are a lot of speakers but they are only in the downstairs bedroom. I gave away my dining room table, six chairs and a cabinet to my neighbour but kept my two silk rugs. (I suffer from asthma and do like wool). Do not know what to do with them right now but will work it out. They are just taking up space at the moment. I still have my 12 speakers and a lot of amplifier for my surround sound. (My brother made buy them.) I doubt I will ever use them again. My brother brother loved them. We watched all the surround sound films at my bungalow. (The loving room was a good size and shape.)

The living room at the house has a strange shape, long and narrow and placing all the speakers will be impossible. A big space of the living room is taken up by my mother’s huge cabinet. Impossible to move. No idea how we managed it in the 80s.

It would not have been possible for me to sell the house anyway, too many memories. Also, I do not feel so lonely in the house. I think I made the right choice. Did not want to give up the sea view. Only about 120 meters or so from the house.

My highlight of the day was spoiling the dogs again.

I hope you are coping well today.

Nick

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Hi Nick

I was the opposite. Sold the bigger house as too hard to maintain. I can drive past now without getting upset and sometimes go to his local shops. Took a long time for it to become easier

Sue

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Hi Sue

You can tell me about your brother if you want to, but do not do it if you are not sure. Do not give away too many details, remember, other people can read it too. - It is now two years and five months for me and It is getting easier now but I still have the odd bad day.

Nick

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Hi Nick

It will be the 4th anniversary of my brother on Saturday. Dont know how i will feel. Thought of going to one of his favourite places but there will be lots of kids there. I miss taking care of him.

How are you feeling?

Sue

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Hi Sue,

I think it is a good idea going to one of his favourite places. You can always go home again if you do not like it. (I find path not taken the worst.)

I would love to visit one of the places we use to visit. We used to go to Kentwell Hall in Long Melford all the time but I do not have a working car at the moment. Probably never will again. My brother’s car has big problems, rusted through floor pan, front left. My car has missing parts my brother used for his car just before Covid.

I have a low at the moment, probably because of the weather here. I also do not like my cat being outside all the time. She even sleeps outside now. If I take her inside, she goes outside again. I have given up now.

I hope you feel better than I do at the moment.

Nick

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Hi Nick

I hope you do not mind me asking. Have you had counselling and have you got people supporting you?

I had bad day Saturday. Stayed in. Woke up at exact time that he died. Relived it all the night before and in the morning.

Sue

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Hi SueMa,

no, I don’t mind you asking. I did not get any counselling and the people around me are now slowly vanishing. I don’t blame them. It is now 2 years and six month minus two days since I lost my brother. My depression got a bit worse lately but I do not like the tablets. I eat chocolate every day. Much better than the tablets. I also need the calories, I am not eating well at the moment. The worst thing is that I do not get enough sleep and the TV programme is so boring.

I often go for a walk in the nearby park, spoiling the dogs with treats. The park is also used as car park. I just have to step over the fence at the bottom of my garden. I find the Saturdays and Sundays worse than the other days, my new friends stay at home during the weekend.

Nick

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I agree that it’s a good idea to eat chocolate. With me, its coffee. Important to eat properly or it makes depression worse.

I had counselling at the beginning. Maybe you could try listening to the radio.

Sue

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Hi SueMa,

I cannot find the original article but I remember that our brain releases four chemicals when we eat chocolate: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.

Serotonin is commonly associated with happiness. Pleas look it up, it helped me and still does. (Sorry, I lost the link for the article.)

Dark chocolate is best.

Nick

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Hi SueMa,

this is not the article I was talking about but it is close enough.
https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/does-chocolate-make-you-happy
Nick

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Thank you. Fragrances are good also. You could listen to music. Classical music is good because it varies more in tone. I looked up once, pieces of classical music that are good for depression.

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I find cooking is therapeutic

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