2 points for every one of the below someone said to you when you are grieving:
Time heals all wounds
everything happens for a reason
*god needed another angel
*the Lord never gives us more than we can handle
*he/she wouldn’t want you to be upset
i know how you feel
*you’re still young (implying so you can find another partner, have more kids…)
*at least he/she is no longer in pain/ death is a blessing
*be strong
*he/she wouldn’t want you to cry
*he/she is waiting in heaven for you
*you’ve still got us/me
you don’t have to be alone, we/I will help (when they are as useful as a chocolate face mask)
3 pointers:
*If you think this is bad… (followed by a story they consider worse)
*I’m worried about you (because you didn’t do something they told you to do), it’s been a while now and you need to move on
he/she had a good innings/lived a long life
*there is a reason for everything/it was gods will
*let me know if I can do anything (bonus point for “anything at all” on the end and then them ignoring you)
he/she is in a better place now (better than being with me?)
you’re doing so well
*“wow you’ve lost weight” which plan have you been following? (err… the I can’t bear to eat plan…)
*life goes on so you need to [insert command here that is not actually strictly necessary]
Everyone is struggling at the moment, life is hard for everyone due to covid.
*you’re not alone
5 pointers:
he/she made their choice to live that way (subtle blaming the person for dying due to they smoked/ate/drank etc.)
*yes i know how you feel, when my goldfish died I was in bits (variant)
*you’ll meet someone else (loss of a partner, like you can nip to asda and pick up a replacement)
*it will be okay I promise you, I had a vision…
*something good will come from this, i remember when such a [insert bad thing nothing like what you are going through here] and years later [insert here very superficial good thing happened]
*you’re wallowing now
*this could be the making of you to discover how strong you really are
How many have you collected so far!? Anyone with a full BINGO card? Please feel free to submit new additions and their point value!
My brother-in-law the night I told him his brother had been killed in RTA. “Better he died instantaneously as you would not have wanted him to be a cabbage”. Again same person two days before the funeral “I have come to terms with his death”. Same person two weeks after the funeral “when we are all allowed to meet properly, we will give him a proper send off”. Same family Facebook post end of September “congratulations you have made it to the end of September, proceed to Level 10 of Jumani”.
Yes yes and yes
How the hell does other people know how you feel they don’t understand
They say I know how you feel. Eh no they don’t
Time is a great healer. Is it?
Things happen for a reason or it wasn’t meant to be?
Or friends will say I’m here for you
No there not they’re nowhere to be seen
Or that you’ll get over it
Or hope you feel better soon
I’m not sure how many points I’ve scored but certainly a few. No doubt everyone’s score will increase once lockdown eases - one of the reasons I’m more than happy for it to stay. I don’t want to go back to “normal” anyway, for me there is no normal any more, that’s gone. I could quite happily be a hermit and not see anyone ever.
@FleurDeLis This is excellent, I’ve got quite a lot of them. No one has dared suggest I’m wallowing yet, but I’m sure I will get that once Lockdown ends.
Totally agree. I only see my son and his partner because they work and I look after our little grandson. Daughter lives down south. Love my kids and grandson. If not for them would be quite happy to just close the curtains, lock the door and wait for my number to be up so that I can join my husband.
A few family members have said when lock down is over I have to go round theirs, or come and stay. I have politely declined each invitation.
Another comment I have had is that I have to move forward. I hate this saying. Move forward to what the love of my life has gone.
Spledid Post FleurDeLis, Thank you. Allow me to add the following said to me after I lost my Mom in 2012, and then my precious little Sister in 2018:
“Don’t feel sorry for yourself” (Why not? The most important person in my life was cruelly ripped away)
“We all have problems” ( And how is that dismissive comment supposed to make me feel better?)
“Everybody goes through it” (but right now I am going through “it”)
“You will never get past this , if you don’t let go” ( I will never get “past” this, nor will I ever" let go" of my loved one)
“You had more years with your Mum than I had with mine” ( There is never enough time with our loved ones, and you cannot compare grief)
“You sound strong” ( How can they determine what “strong” sounds like?)
“You look good, I would be a mess” (Again another judgemental comment, and insinuating that they would be much more distraught than I, Just because I tried to look presentable back at work, was no indication how I was really feeling inside)
Then the one’s who ask you how you are, then change the subject when you answer. One co-worker actually cut me off and complained about a package he was expecting that did not arrive. How I wished that was my only problem.
Another “Friend” said he was grieving too, because they transferred him to a new office, and he was missing his old one. I was speechless.
When I was saying how strong & positive my younger sister was throughout her cancer journey, my boss said “but she died anyway.”
The first Xmas after losing my Sister, another “Friend” sent me a cheery Xmas card that spoke of what a “joyful” season this is. “Joyful?” I was feeling anything but joy, without my Sister AND my Mother,
And there are so much more. I lost my job due to covid, and in a way I am glad the people at my new job have no idea about my losses. This way I am safe from the tactless, insensitive verbal assaults from so-called friends & long term colleagues.
Had a lot of them best one my brother 2 weeks after funeral saying he’s dead now it’s not all about you stop being selfish. Graham had underlying Heath issue and was unwell but caught COVID in hospital and passed away same brother said you knew he was going to die so can’t be such a shock. Honestly can’t believe what comes out of some people’s mouths. Just ignore the idiots now x
My friend “better things will come "
My excolleague “death is part of life”
A cousin " you have to move on, life goes on”
Friend “you knew he was sick, he would have died anyway”
Friend “i am just a phone call away” she hasn’t answered my calls yet"
Friend " you have all the bed for you"
Friend “now you can have the house as you want, the way you want”
I also had a few classic comments. When I told my neighbour that my beloved husband had died she said ‘Oh you’re lucky - I cant’ get rid of mine’
Another long term ‘friend’ that I confided in told me after just 7 weeks that i should get on with life as Mike would be horrified if he knew I was crying and not eating and just feeling sorry for myself.
It is Mike’s birthday tomorrow and yes - I shall be in tears and probably feeling just as sorry for myself.
Same experience. One of Ian’s friends sent me a Christmas card with “have a wonderful Christmas”. I was beyond distraught. This was my first Christmas without Ian. In September he had been at the funeral and watched as my son broke down delivering the eulogy and knows that all three of us are in counselling trying to come to terms with Ian’s sudden death. I would rather people did not send cards.
Ian’s own brother has also left me speechless with comments and messages. Ian’s birthday is approaching and I only hope our kids and family members show some compassion otherwise I will react the same way you did.
Hi everyone, I struggled with Xmas cards, didn’t send any and threw them all away. People.really do struggle tonsaybthe right things and I have to admit only a few 9f those have been said to me. I must have a very understanding bunch around me.We have had a lot of loss around us of recent years. One thing that did grate on me was my first day back at work x ‘You’ve smashed it, you’re so strong, Steve would be so proud of you!’ I don’t want to be strong or to smash it and I want him here x
Wow! I lost my husband in May 2020 and I have to be honest and say I’m appalled at some of the comments that have been made to so many of you!
I scored a huge ZERO on the list. No one has been that way with me. Family and friends have given me support, a listening ear, offered help and told me, baby steps, a day at a time.
Obviously due to lockdown i haven’t been able to see people in person, my daughter lives 140 miles away and feels terrible that she couldn’t be there for me. A very dear friend stepped up and has been absolutely amazing. Back in August she booked 5 days away and we stayed close to my daughter and grandchildren.
She has given me space when I needed it, but also turned up on the doorstep to check on me, collect and walk my dog for me, I’m disabled so things are not always easy. She even did my shopping when I couldn’t get a delivery slot.
I knew my family and friends were being amazing to and for me and have been so appreciative.
I made a Facebook request for no Christmas cards and explained I wouldn’t be sending any either. As per my wish, no cards came, but my friend had me round on Christmas day.
I knew I was lucky, that my family and friends have been going above and beyond for me.
What I didn’t realise properly until now, is that so many of you have been on the receiving end of stupid, thoughtless remarks, and not had anywhere near the support and understanding that you have needed and deserve.
I am truly stunned and saddened by this.
I must have scored over 50, would probably have been a full bingo without Covid. One ex-colleague of his actually texted me ‘Are you joking?’ when I informed her… How can something like that be a practical joke???
It’s absurd that sex education is taught in school but not the etiquette of comforting the bereaved. People need to be educated about the other side of the coin. I mean not everyone gets to have sex before they die. People may die being a virgin but will most definitely die being… well…dead.
