Hello. This is an interesting one, I think I am lucky because the area I live in, we made a lot of good friends and they have been supportive in the main. It is now 6 months since she passed and I have had a few of these, one chap, three weeks after the funeral, asjed me how my wife was? He didn’t know and was very embarrassed. A few people just don’t kniw what to say, I think the sad ones are those that deliberately ignore you. This very morning, someone finally said hello and asked how I was. I don’t think anyone deserves some of the crass remarks that people make about bereavement and as I say, I have been lucky. People can be very insensitive in this “mememe” society at times. I am so sorry for your losses and agree that grief is horrible, without other obstacles being put in the way. Best wishes.
Thank you. So true
OMG YES!!
I fully laughed and cried at this.
46- but my first bereavement was pre covid. At least 40 of those point came from my family too, when I lost my mum.
My grandfather has passed away very recently, its very funny that they aren’t saying these ridiculous things this time… 
Proof forever and a day, that the people who will support you through a bereavement aren’t always the ones you think it should be
My job is very busy and stressful, and I need to be completely accurate with things. I was told by someone at work that they thought I would have coped better with my bereavement if I had not had so much time off work, and kept busy instead. Obviously someone who had no idea of the things that need sorting out when someone dies, and how busy you are with texts, phone calls, notifying people etc. I felt like saying walk a mile in my shoes and then see if you feel the same.
Hello @Wong. These non - bereaved people are so clever with their advice aren’t they. Just treat their remarks with the contempt they deserve.
Love and light. x
I kind of feel a bit resentful like I have to remind folk that when I feel low, it’s because my mum died, and not because we’re in a lockdown. Then there’s that moment of uncomfortable silence which I read as, just get over it already, but in reality is probably just due to lack of understanding. I am supposed to be working but have been having a wee cry listening to some of my mum’s favourite music. I don’t know if it is better than 3 years ago, but it is different. Not easier, if anything more deeply rooted and I feel her stronger than ever. I like it, it gives me comfort to know she’s around me even though I can’t touch her. People don’t mean to be unkind most of the time, but life does move on even when we do not and I am not suggesting anyone else is, but I do feel out of step with the pace of the world around me. I feel like I want to get off and be on my own for a while but I can’t, I have people who depend on me but it is tempting.
I didnt feel I could carry on recently, back to shaking and thinking this is really real and I have nothing I want or can even tolerate without him if I can just write a more proper will, burn my diaries/delete this kind of thing and plan for my cats then I’m done. I stopped most contact with my real life people as I’m just as lonely with as without them.
The doctor called my telephone number that i told them is cut off instead of my mobile so I “missed” my appointment… I emailed to explain but the private company that runs this NHS surgery said I have to phone up and I don’t have the energy to keep ringing that permanently engaged number to get through to that hellbeast on reception as my prize.
My husband’s brother (they were quite close) hadn’t texted since new yrs day so I decided to text him in case he says something like my husband would say that might make me feel less alone. Instead he casually said he was thinking about me a few weeks ago and meant to ask if I was better yet… so much for them being close.
My tactless friend who gave me so many BB points I stopped contact with her tried to call me after I didnt turn up to a zoom quiz she hosted and needed more people for (that I repeatedly said I didn’t want to join). She left a message that her dad was in hospital so I relented and got back in touch. Her dad was ok it turned out and they’d had a trip out even. She then gave me links to a forum about angels (I keep telling her I don’t believe and fine that she does but I don’t want to have it shoved down my throat). Then another link she sent she was kinda laughing at saying this woman hadn’t washed her bedclothes in months after her husband died like as if that was crazy (I’ve done loads of things like that and it’s a regret I did wash them, that was only because my mum had to sleep there when she used to stay with me). She said she was reading these things to try and understand but then finds it all so entertaining…
Is it better being alone and alone or with people who aren’t my husband and alone. It’s a decision akin to would I rather lick catsh!t or dogsh!t.
Anyway I found my way back here and reading some posts did help. Thanks.
@FleurDeLis I hope your tactless friend will never find herself in this position. She will have some pretty tough lessons to learn.
In case anyone is wondering, I have changed the bed sheets
Well I have a new one to add but not sure how many points it would get.
My godmother - one of my Mum’s oldest friends - asked me if my Mum would approve of the “excessive” decorations around her grave (candle, wind-chime, solar fairy lights - in a cemetery which actively encourages decorations and lots of flowers etc). (And actually, my Mum would LOVE what I’ve done as she’d know it was done out of love and because it makes me feel better to do it).
It may not get any BB points but it gets 100 ICU points (insensitive, crass and unhelpful)
Dear FleurDeLis
Same thoughts. Get all the problems with the house which have arisen since losing my husband sorted, get my Will written, write my obituary and pick out the songs so that my kids have an ‘easier’ time. I have intentionally reduced the number of contacts and avoided so called friends and family who are either insensitive or just want to call to tell me how their life/plans are going. Have kept on sending myself the same text saying ‘I do not choose this life’. I also have to try ringing the doctors at 7.30 - one occasion it took me 123 repeat calls before I got through and was told doctor too busy to give me a telephone consultation.
Your comment about licking catshit or dogshit did bring a smile to my face though and I could not have put it better - so thank you.
Sorry you feel like this too Sheila. I’m glad that comment made you smile.
Your posts gave me some comfort thanks.
I’m awake again since around 4am. Work in 3 hrs. I’m doing all the things I’m told to. Made a list of the things to fix most urgently to get it off my mind (I won’t have time to finish that list, I’ll do the worst items on the house in case my brother can afford to take it over and live here or to make it not as hard for them to sell). Counselling weekly which helps for a short time after (I was in a bad state Monday before it I hadn’t been able to breathe properly for ages and thought I’d cracked a rib crying!).
I phoned samaritans but gave up as takes too long to get through and I’m not going to kill myself right now and it won’t make a difference to me having someone listen who can’t help me (no one can) really so someone else needs it more. Try to do breathing exercises/yoga. Try to think of my mind as a sky with weather and observe instead of panic. Nothing really works for long.
How can this be. I really need my husband and there is no way around it. I didnt have my own life, didn’t do something separately. our life was lovely and I appreciated it, i didn’t even take it for granted, told him a lot I loved him and worried about something like this even though the chances were low at our age. I found a text last year where I was checking he was alive and ok after I saw a car crash on the m6. i knew things happen. I setup medical insurance for him, he stopped smoking, we drank but not to excess, we ate mostly plants and got a treadmill as I was always reading health books. We didn’t take our age for granted. So how could it still happen when I did everything everyone says they regret and now too I’m doing everything they tell me to but it stays the same.
I can hear rats scratching in the roof above our bed. I can’t get to them because the attic is packed to the hatch with relics of our life that are too heavy in every way. Just going on the ladder make me shake more. I have an attic I can’t get into. I don’t drive but I pay for a car. People i could phone but I’m too lonely. I am a wife without my husband and I’m trapped in hell.
Dear FleurDeLis
I have set a date for our garage to be cleared of all Ian’s motorbike items. I have asked his friends to help as I cannot bear to look or touch them - hated the bike before his death and hate it even more since his crash. Please try to get some friends to help with the rat situation and explain how precious the items in the attic are to you.
I wish we could turn back the clock I really do. I still cannot comprehend that Ian has gone.
Take care.
Sheila
NJL- Your Godmother’s remark was unbelievable, to say the least. “ICU” is a perfect description. Well said. I am gobsmacked by the “ICU” comments I am reading on this forum. In the 2 1/2 years I’ve been visiting the site, sadly I have read so many posts like this. In my own grief journey, I continue to get my feelings dismissed. The latest one, I was speaking to an acquaintance, a woman in her 80’s. I was checking on her because she is alone, and whilst talking, I mentioned the loss of my full time job (due to the pandemic). I made one reference to how much the series of losses, and the idle time has amplified my grief. She immediately berated me by saying “Think of all the losses I’ve had, and you are still crying about your Sister.” I made an excuse to end the conversation, but I wanted to tell her I will “ALWAYS” be crying over my Sister, that pain never goes away, and no one has the right to silence me. Instead I just cried, and felt this is one more person I need to distance myself from. 
Oh, how true that is!!
Hope you are doing as well as you can. I plod on. That’s all we can do, isn’t it? Keep safe and we’ll x
@Sister2
Thank you for your comments, I was wondering if I was being over sensitive so it’s good to have validation.
Yes you are right to distance yourself from negative people, we don’t need them! Sending hugs to you and I hope you’re doing OK xxxx
Or let’s not talk about it because it upset you , but I’m hear if you need me .
But when you need them refuse to talk about it …
33 weeks this Wednesday 15th since I lost my wife. My 97 year old father, God love him, is getting a little forgetful and has said a few things to me by phone which have upset me. I know his heart is in the right place, but his generation dealt with death differently. So I just bite my tongue.
“You’re getting back to normal now”.
“Just try to forget about what happened”.
And the worst…
“If you want to get married again just do it, it’s no-one’s business but yours”.
(My mother is also 97, so my father has been fortunate not to have experienced that loss).
Hi Alston56
It is good that you have in mind the age of you dad.
Yes your parents have been blessed with family (having you) age and health.
I have heard that our senior speak straight and tacless i have thought they are that way because they have lost people and they dont want you to suffer but instead enjoy life. You were very tacful, hard to bite you tongue, just think he don’t want you to be alone.
“Back to normal now” maybe he recalled the time when you were single unfortunately we cannot treat our heart as a computer and do the “delete” or “reset” key.
Try to think your dad love you and try to help you dont get hurt.
Take care
I am just about to tell my best mate, please stop with the be strong and 
emoji. It’s meaningless and jarring.
Also I have. ‘i was sad when I lost … but yours is way worse, your partner, after 22 year’.
Grief is not a competition, once again I am on the verge of batting back nonsensical grief balls right in their face! 
Love to all Merrin x (don’t stay strong, fall into a crumpled mess in the kitchen floor)
Oh I can’t add up all the points .
But you have put a smile on my face that’s needed .
We lost my father and mother in law with in 4 weeks to alcohol.
And Tuesday we have to have a double service which I’m dreading .
The amount of people who send us pics of booze and say have a drink it will help ???
Fair to say we’re not drinking !
The best support I’ve found is on here and I’ve learnt so much of what not to do and to do to support my husband and children .
But sadly I wish none of us need to be on her .
Take care
All xxx