Can anyone give me hope?

Losing a parent
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We got my Dads ashes back tonight…he passed 6 weeks ago, the worst day of my life. I miss him desperately :broken_heart::disappointed: tonight I feel so hopeless, so low, and it scares me. Can anyone share how they are doing further down the line? I know I’ll always feel this pain, but will I laugh again, feel actual happiness, want to do all the things I use to enjoy doing again? Did you ever get back to how you were before?

I think I’m just reaching out for help tonight, because tonight I feel hopeless, tonight I am scared.

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Hey Peppermint,
I know I can’t offer you any words of wisdom but I wanted you to know someone has read your post, heard your words and is thinking of you :heart:

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Hi @Peppermint I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I am sorry for the pain of your grief, I know how hopeless it can make you feel. I can only speak for myself obviously, but gradually the weight of grief begins to lift a little over time. I am now coming up to the first anniversary of the sudden loss of my Mum. I can’t lie, it has been a very sad and stressful year but I do feel that I have started to accept the physical absence of her in my life. I am looking forward to embracing more joy this year because I know my Mum would want me to be happy. No doubt I will still miss her but I do think it’s possible now to feel happy alongside my grief. There are still flashbacks to those early days and weeks of my grief but I know that I have survived them. Time passes and feelings shift so that’s what I focus on when I’m feeling particularly sad. I know the difficult times will pass. Sending you best wishes, you can get through this…xx

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Thank you @Rosiepink . I feel very alone in my grief right now and not looking forward to all the firsts we have to come, infact I’m scared of them because sometimes my emotions are so strong I don’t feel like I can cope anymore. I’m trying to look to the future but my mind is too broken and my heart is too shattered to see that far ahead. I am trying to take it a day at a time, an hour at a time some days, but sometimes it all gets too much. I thought I would be stronger than this.

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Hugs you. I think it’s probably different for everyone. I’ve lost my mum and now my dad and at the moment I’m as low as you are, missing him like crazy. My mum passed many years ago and I was never the same after, but yes, you will be able to laugh and feel happiness, although for me it’s always tinged with sadness. Maybe not be able to do the exact same things you liked to do before, but there will be new things. Feel free to message me if you like, we are at about the same place in the process mourning our dads. :heart:

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@Peppermint grief after the loss of a much loved parent is a very bleak journey. I don’t think I ever really considered how I would feel until it happened. I couldn’t have imagined how painful it would be. When you’re struggling to manage your emotions, it’s a good idea to have some coping strategies to help. I read a lot of books about grief and used practical advice to support me. It’s okay to give in to the sadness and cry obviously but you need to do other things to maintain a sense of control. Simple things like going for a walk, getting outside in nature. You can build up your routine so that little by little you feel able to manage and less overwhelmed. Getting through your days and feeling more emotionally stable in no way devalues your grief but it helps you to keep going forward. Take care, best wishes xx

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Hi @Peppermint really sorry to read you are struggling. I am just a little bit ahead of you, having lost my dad 9.5 weeks ago. The grief can be unbearable and not many people understand that. It’s good that you have reached out, do you have a support system? I find that my grief feels heavier when around my family, but also familiar and comfortable. Your grief is still so new, and nobody can say when it will start to feel easier, but it will. The first weeks after my dads death, particularly running up to Christmas and New Years, were definitely difficult. It does feel a little easier this week. I have even managed to enjoy a meal out with my partner this week. Little by little, it will get easier. Until then, continue to reach out, there are so many people here for you x

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I couldn’t not reply to your post. I lost my dad on the first of august last year it was also the worst day of my life. My dad was my everything. He still is. I worshipped the ground he walked on. When I found out he had cancer my world stopped and changed from that day. I was so scared of him not being here and loosing him. I was a complete mess for 2 years, but nothing could have prepared me for the heartbreak of him dying. I don’t think anything will come close to the pain. I also collected my dad’s ashes and I don’t know how I managed to do it. Looking back now it doesn’t even seem real to think that I was collecting my dad and how that was even possible. I’ve since had a ring made that contain his ashes and it’s brought me much comfort. I feel like he’s always with me wherever I go. The whole thing at times still feels like a really bad dream. I’ve just managed to go back to work in the last 2 weeks, I work for the nhs and I couldn’t bear the thought of caring for people and dealing with anything cancer related. I’ve been ok at work because it’s taken my mind off it slightly but on my way to work this morning the eagles came on the radio (my dad loved the eagles) and it completely broke me. I had to pull over and I’ve had the worst day since hearing that song. I’ve been crying for the majority of the day, feeling so heartbroken just wishing he was here… I miss him more than I ever thought was possible. This has been my first experience of a grief trigger and it was awful. I have been doing sort of ok before today as in not crying everyday and I kind of thought I’d got my head around it all but I feel back to square one now. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day and just a little blip. I really do hope your ok. Sending you hugs xxxx

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@Peppermint on 8/2, it will be 11 months since my Dad died. I still can’t believe it when I see it written down. I miss the sound of his voice. I can’t believe it’s almost 11 months since I heard it. Last year seemed to drift along, with me as a passenger. Changed forever by a loss. I never knew I could miss a person this much. I never knew grief could hurt this much. I never knew you could get flashbacks to sounds & smells (he died in hospital) you asked how people are doing further down the grief journey so I’ll tell you. I survived, at times it’s been the roughest sea possible but I’m here, watching Dad dying, the chapel of rest visits/funeral & a year of firsts. (New Year was the worst one) You’ll get thru it too because our Dads would expect it of us!! Xx

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Im so sorry for the loss of your Dad :disappointed: thank you so much for sharing. They definitely would expect it of us, and I remind myself of that fact every single day, it helps. Take care xxx

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Hi Peppermint,

So sorry for your loss and I understand the situation as I lost my Dad last July :broken_heart:.

Some excellent advice in the replies so far and well done on reaching out!

I am happy to share how I am further down the line!

Your current feelings are totally understandable and you have opened up & expressed them, which is brilliant and definitely not hopeless.

I didn’t I bottled them up!!, as I was a carer for my Dad and then visiting him in hospital, I lost all my routine after the funeral and just became a recluse and my MH spiralled downwards.

I finally realised I needed some help and close Friends convinced me to contact my GP and a bereavement counsellor.

Both have been very supportive. Xmas & NY was very difficult but since then I have been on the up, walking every day, new routine of a club every Tuesday etc.

Six months on I still miss Dad every second of every day but the pain is slightly easier, there are daily events & thoughts that trigger the grief but it does get easier.

One analogy explained to me, was that you are a tree and you have just had a massive hole created in the middle of the trunk, however the tree will continue to grow but will always have the hole!

I have also created a wellbeing toolkit for those bad moments, This includes (and not all of these will work for you)

  • sometimes just go with the sadness & grief - otherwise you are Swimming against the sadness tide!
  • Journalling of positive things at least one a day! This can be as small as got up, had a shower and cleaned teeth and went back to bed on a bad day!
  • Scream & cry into a pillow
  • Meeting in person/Phoning/messaging a friend/family member
  • Getting some fresh air
  • Exercising
  • Playing some feel good music
  • Grounding your self with your surroundings - what can you see, hear, smell, touch
  • Listen to a reading/piece of music from the funeral or a favourite of your Dad’s. One song for me I couldn’t even mention it’s name at first let alone listen to it without totally breaking down. Now it can play on the radio (and if often does) and I can listen to it with mixed emotions (sometimes you have got to go with the flow)
  • Awareness of organisations that will help eg Samaritans (116 123) or Shout (txt service - sometimes it easier to write than talk - Shout - UK’s 24/7 Crisis Text Service for Mental Health Support | Shout 85258)

Yes you do get to laugh and enjoy things again, especially difficult if it’s a hobby or passion you shared with your Dad!

Recently been to the 1st match of the team Dad and I supported.

Your life at the moment will be like a pendulum on a grandfather clock as it swings and sometimes early on it feels it’s stuck on the Sad emotion side rather than swinging through the Ok (middle) and onto the happier emotions side.

The important thing is that it keeps swinging and doesn’t get stuck anywhere!

It’s ok to have those sad swings, it ok to be ok (and not ok!). And it’s ok to be happy and enjoy things!! That’s what your Dad would have wanted!

Try to remember the happy times and people on this forum understand and are there for you.

Take care.

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Hi, I’m new here too and everything you say is exactly how I’m feeling. I thought I was having a panick attach the other day so the Dr has prescribed something to help with anxiety. Never suffered from anything like that before even after my dad died 5 years ago, losing my mum is a whole different experience possibly because it was sudden whereas dad suffered a long time with cancer. I’m 50 this year and my mum knew all the things I had planned to celebrate I know she’ll want me to live life and enjoy but I really don’t know how I’ll ever smile again and get through this. I’m a talker so that’s at least something and I am sharing how I feel with my husband and friends but this community is helping because people truly know what I’m going through because at first I thought these feelings were so bad and I was actually going mad! Sending hugs to you :heart:

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Thank you all for sharing. I lost Dad on Friday very suddenly. Mum passed 9 weeks ago. I’m broken and totally lost. I was about getting into my stride with mum’s grief - triggers came but I embraced the little cry.

Now my whole world has gone with Dad. I can’t bear the pain. Hearing other say there are little chinks of happiness hear and there helps.

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@Becky1897 @Heartbroken1937 thank you so much for sharing your stories with me and sending hope and advice. I too cared for Dad, and lived with mum and dad for a year before he passed. I held his hand as he left us. I still can’t believe he is gone. I have to actively tell myself every single morning to get up, breath, live, keep going…it’s what Dad would want. I am in a better place today, this last week. I am taking my nephew out for day trips, laughing at work, speaking to mum a lot about Dad and how much we love him. We are doing okey, but I will never be fully healed, I will live with a broken heart forever. I have found so many triggers recently that have sent me spiralling where I dont want to be, so I dont even put my own CDs on in the car anymore…maybe one day. Take care and sending you all all the hugs xxx

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@Titch7674 thank you for sharing your story here, I feel your pain and I see your strength :heart: I am so scared for the future now that I’ve lost one parent and I’m constantly worried about this but I pray and pray I’ll have mum for a long time, I need her more then ever and we have held each other up through all of this. The years just fly by and I so wish I could turn back time :disappointed: take care xxx

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@RobBeat08 omg I’m so sorry to hear this :disappointed::disappointed::broken_heart: I hope you have support around you? The pain has been so unbearable up to this point but we have to believe in happier times ahead. Much easier said than done in all this heart ache though. Take care of yourself xx

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Hi @Rosiepink
I’ve just read one of your posts from January, it’s been 8 weeks since my mam passed and I’m very slowly finding my way through grief.
I was just wondering how were doing on your journey?, hopefully well.
Take care and thanks for reading xx

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Hi @Pixiecat I am slowly getting used to a life without my lovely Mum. I’m still trying to tie up her estate, being the Executor has proved an immense stress for me, making my grief so much worse. Gradually though I am moving forward and trying to find a sense of joy again. I can now think of my Mum and focus on memories of time spent with her, full of love. I miss her everyday but I know she would want me to be happy. Grief is a very harsh experience isn’t it? I send you my very best wishes that you find your way through…xx

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Rosiepink,

Being an executor on top of all the Grief is extremely stressful. Still sorting my Dad’s estate out from his passing last July!
My advice is don’t let it overwhelm you! Set aside an hour or two in the morning to sort paperwork, make phone calls etc then close shop and do other things. A further phone call/email can always wait until the next day. I found this technique helped me switch off during the day then sleep slightly better at night!
To do lists - two from the top, two from the bottom of a prioritised list.

As for belongings sort when you are ready!

Take care x

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Hi @Rosiepink
Thank you so much for your kind words, you’re right it’s an extremely harsh experience. Although it’s still early days for me, I’m pushing through and hopefully one day I’ll be able to offer some comfort to others
Wishing you all the best for your future and thanks again for your reply xxx
Cheryl

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