Can’t come to terms with losing my mum

Hi all, I’m new to this group.

I lost my mum just over two months ago and I am really struggling. I feel like it is getting harder not easier to cope. She was in hospital after a fall but the plan was always to get her home. Never for us to lose her and I just can’t get my head around that.

She was amazing. I miss her so much. I know people say they feel like they now have an empty hole and that’s exactly how I feel. I’m not sure what to do or how to try and cope. Nobody seems to understand how I feel.

Any help or guidance would be appreciated :sparkling_heart:


Hi Traceyb3,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and especially that it was so sudden and unexpected.

You will no doubt still be in shock and trying to process the enormity of what has happened. I can relate to how you are feeling as I lost my own mum at the end of March, just 25 days after a late cancer diagnosis.

I understand the emptiness that you’re feeling at the moment, it does feel unbearable at times. I’m the beginning, I thought I would never manage to get through the days, but I am still here somehow. I have found this site to be so helpful as there are many others on here experiencing similar pain who can relate. I didn’t know anyone personally in the same position as me, having lost both parents (my dad died with Covid in January 2021 and we weren’t allowed to take him home, or visit in hospital), but I have since found some lovely people on this forum who have been through similar and that has been a lifeline for me.

Sending you lots of love and strength, please message anytime, always here to listen xx


My heart really goes out to you. It’s AWFUL losing your mother and I know this as I lost mine 14 months ago and I am now having some counselling to help me process this.

Time and more time is needed as it’s a rocky path to tread (grief) and it can unleash some very odd feelings.

Sending you peace x


Hi Sandranista,

I’m sorry to hear about your mum and how much you have been struggling.

Do you mind me asking if you are finding the counselling helpful? I haven’t had any yet as I’m still in two minds about it.

Sending you love xx


Hello and it’s good to get your reply.

I am now three sessions in and it’s working well so far but of course that depends on your counsellor/therapist and how you fit together. I would do it as it’s a safe space to share what you are feeling.

When you say “nobody understands how I’m feeling”, this is because the relationship you had with her was unique to you so all the memories and feelings are yours and might be quite different to another family member to anyone else who knew her.

I think it’s probably the loneliest feeling I’ve had to date. It’s literally the pits if I may say because it’s the absolute finality and the thought of never seeing that person again can send shivers down one’s spine.

I have spent so much time thinking about the past, it’s quite mad! I have spent time googling places, quite random and seemingly minor things like where she would park her car (sounds nuts, doesn’t it?) just to remember everything.

I have also used the voice notes on my iPhone to record my feelings about her going as well as past memories.

You will get through this but it’s a very long process which can be painful and uncomfortable


I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 13 weeks ago and it’s getting harder for me also, I feel so numb and empty, I keep replaying her last few days over and over in my head and how I should have known it was the beginning of the end, it all makes sense now. Just focus on what’s directly in front of you at the moment, take each day as it comes that’s all you can do. Sending you love and strength, it’s the hardest thing xx


Thank you so much for your reply Sandranista, I really appreciate it. It sounds like it might be worth me trying some counselling to see if it can help pull me out of this never ending dark hole of grief.

You are so right, grief is extremely personal and everyone is affected differently, depending on the circumstances of the relationship. I’m pleased to hear that talking seems to be helping you at the moment.

I’m the same, I find myself preoccupied with the past, going over things from years ago and also wishing that I could go back to that time. I’ll look at an old receipt or letter and think to myself things were ok then, my mum was still here. I also keep thinking I didn’t realise how lucky I was then, but I suppose that’s human nature.

I did start writing a journal and found it helpful at first, but I haven’t done that for the last week or so as I was just writing the same thing every day - how I am missing my mum, how much I love her and how I wish I could change everything that happened. I got to a point where o didn’t find it was helping me but, having said that, I wouldn’t rule out starting it again at some point.

It is the loneliest journey ever. I felt horrendous after I lost my dad in Jan 2021 and I still miss him terribly, but the feelings of desperation and despair that I have had since I lost my mum I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You’re right though, the only thing to do is take things day by day and try to get through it the best we can xx


I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum km78aw. I think we are at about the same point in this hellish journey, I lost my mum on 27th March.

I agree with everything you said and just wanted to offer you my love and support and tell you that you are not alone.

I am here if you ever need to chat or vent x


Hi Lucy, thank you and my sincerest condolences to you also. I actually don’t think it’s hit me yet, I am not quite sure how I should be feeling at this point! I try to have happy thoughts about her and remember the good times but my mind won’t let me yet, I just can’t get the final days, the final moments out of my head, I haven’t dreamt about her it’s like there is a mental block somewhere! Although I have my daughter, my dad, sister and friends there for support I feel incredibly alone in this xx


I lost my mum middle of May 2023. She was my world. 90 years old. Had numerous health problems, but didn’t survive a chest infection. I got there 4.30am at the nursing home as she passed around 5am. The hardest thing I have ever witnessed. Sipping my cup of tea and she missed a few heartbeats, and then just went. So peaceful. I never imagined how hard it would be. Just like everyone else, it’s like your whole world has been ripped to pieces. I had been with mum for over 50 years. Did everything together. She went into a home 14 months ago (she begged me not to ‘send her away’) but I simply couldn’t look after her.
I think the time that I had here at home (the 14 months without her) in the house, maybe has eased the whole process. But there are memories everywhere. The sofa, her coat hanging in the hall. Everything in her bedroom, etc. Believe me it is very very tough. I was crying most days in the first few weeks. And I was amazing at the funeral. Hardly shed a tear. Couldn’t believe how strong I was. I think she must have been looking over me and keeping me extremely strong that day. I organised the whole funeral and everything myself. I even saw a robin sitting on the gate post as I drove out of the cemetery after she was buried. So beautiful.
Weeks have gone by and I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. It is so hard.
I have noticed a little less ‘sharp’ pain and feelings the past week. It hurts, but is a little more bearable.
Because mum is buried, I have gone to the cemetery every day. I water the flowers (I now have more fresh flowers on the grave). I sit there (my dad is buried next to her) and have little chat in the sunshine each afternoon.
I wouldn’t say I am religious, but I’ve been finding (I am sure) a little help by saying the Lord’s prayer each time I am there and asking for guidance. I also sit in the remembrance garden and remember. It gives me comfort. I really am sure this is helping me.
I have found some feathers in the garden, which is comfort, and the beautiful robin pays a visit regularly (a few days ago landing on my windowsill).
I know there is nothing any of us can do to ease the pain. We have to just move forward slowly. Hope my post maybe helps a few others. I have been on my own every single day. No siblings. No really close family. xx


Everything written in this thread resonates with me. I completely underestimated how painful it would be to live in a world without my Mum. I’ve had over five months to adapt and adjust but I haven’t really been successful yet. I’m trying hard because I know my stoic, strong Mum would want me to get on with life. Thanks to everyone for sharing as it helps so much to know that my experience is similar to others…:broken_heart:xx


Thank you to everyone for commenting on here it really means a lot. I can relate to everything each of you says which is very comforting.

I still wake up every day finding it very hard to believe that she’s not actually here anymore. I would give literally anything just to sit and have a brew with her and give her a big hug.

Times a healer everyone says so suppose we have to just be kind to ourselves and take each day at a time x


The loss of our Mums has changed us forever and we have no choice but to adapt. However it’s so hard, I find it difficult to be motivated in things that used to bring me joy. I literally force myself to keep going but often feel my heart is not in whatever I am doing…:cry: But then, I imagine what my Mum would say to me, (something along the lines of, “well you just have to keep going because life must go on”) and I grit my teeth in the face of my grief. We have to keep going until the difficult feelings pass… Best wishes xx


Yes it is so so hard every day. We just have to keep going.
I often sit in my lounge and look across to where mum would sit on the sofa and often think outloud as if I were to ask her: “Mum, how will I cope when you’re not here?”. She was strong and I’m sure the words come to us. I’m sure mum would say “You’ll manage to keep going!”. Love to all of you. If anyone wants to chat anytime personally with me, let me know. I’m in Lincolnshire.


I lost my Dad 5 months ago and just wanted to say i am also finding it harder not easier.
Wasn’t really sure what i expected it to feel like but it certainly wasn’t how i feel so lost.
Sending hugs to everyone who needs one x


I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad Lost19. It is so unbearably hard to lose a parent. I also find that time isn’t doing anything to lessen the pain so far. Maybe one day in the future it won’t feel so raw and so devastating, that’s the hope anyway.

Sending a huge hug back to you xx


13 weeks tonight for me and I HATE Thursday’s now. 8.25pm every Thursday I watch the clock and remember that night. The district nurses in and out, the “just in case” box, the wailing in her last minutes and her taking her final breaths… my heart just aches repeatedly. Love, hugs and strength to all xx


Bless you, that sounds awful :disappointed: I felt like that for a while about Fridays as that’s when I received the call about my Mum…:broken_heart:xx


It will scar me for life but I’m so grateful I was with her when she took her last breath, she was surrounded by love, she had seen her 3 grandchildren that day and my sister, my dad and I were by her side when she past but she was scared, she told me she was scared, she didn’t want to go :broken_heart::broken_heart:


I am trying to mask my grief, I feel I need to be the strong one, for my dad, my sister and my daughter who is 14. I don’t want her to see me broken and a mess. I save my tears until she goes to bed. Grateful to have people here to hear me and who can relate to me. I honestly feel like the whole world has moved on and I am still frozen in the spot