Hi, I’ve been off work since June when my husband passed away. I have a sicknote dated until mid November.
I work in the NHS and really don’t think I’ll be able to go back for a while yet.
I’m worried as I have a meeting this week, because I’m off sick they do welfare meetings every so often, but I’m worried they may pressure for a date for me to go back to work. I can’t say when that might be but knowing how I’m feeling now I doubt it being before Christmas. Then there’s another worry regarding getting another sicknote from my GP.
I feel I really don’t need this extra pressure and worry, it’s enough coping with life without my husband on a daily basis without this added worry.
So any advice on what to say and how best to deal with my situation would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Be open and honest with work, and the GP, about how you feel, about how you’re coping.
Maybe you could ask them to consider a phased return?
I was dreading going back, I had a phased return, was allowed to work from home on my counselling days as I knew I’d be a mess… the first few weeks weren’t great, people didn’t know what to say but I spoke with HR and said people need to know I’m still normal, they can still talk to me, not avoid me.
Generally, people were kind and going back actually gave some structure and normality to a part of my life.
It wasn’t easy, I cried somedays, still do, but I’m glad to be back.
Thank you for your reply.
They will probably allow a phased return but only for 4 weeks and I would have to use leave for the days I don’t work. I wouldn’t be able to work from home due to the job I do.
Also Christmas is going to be a very difficult emotional time for me to get through I really don’t feel I’ll be able to return before then.
Definitely talk you your GP…tell them how you’re feeling and ask them to extend xx
I also lost my partner very recently and some friends at work put pressure on me to get a sick note. I resisted that and just took a week of compassionate leave. What I did do was to ask my colleagues not to mention my partner’s death and this has generally been respected. I must admit I have been on automatic pilot since, but the work does take my mind off my grief, especially on Sundays, which was the day she died
It really isn’t easy Harry, you’re much stronger than I am though. Well done going back to work so soon I’m glad it’s working out well for you.
No, Mousey, I am not really that strong. I just find that I am on my own a lot, most of the contacts I had were through my partner
Now she’s gone, despite the ton of promises to be in touch and that we “must meet up soon”, I am on my own most of the time.
What I thought might help you, when -if- you go back, is to make a similar request to mine. Talking about my partner’s death made me quite tearful and I didn’t want to spend a lot of time going over my feelings at work.
Anyway, I hope whatever you choose to do works well for you.
I’m pretty much the same as you. My friends are all couples who were friends of my husbands before I met him almost 12 years ago. They are supportive and try and include me in things but they have their own lives and work too. So I’m also on my own a lot, but I don’t think being back at work yet is the answer for me.
Take care and stay strong Harry.
Entirely my fault, Mousey. I got lazy, I didn’t bother to keep up the friendships I had and thought I was friends with my partner’s family and friends. Now I realise that it wasn’t close to them, as I felt it was. That being said, I bonded with my partner’s son and he involves me .
You too, stay strong. I think all we can do is what our partners would have wanted: to carry on with our lives and be as we can be.
Hi there I am exactly the same as you, I lost my husband in June this year and I’ve been off sick since and still off now, I have had 1 meeting with work and I know they will be planning another gif this week or next, I don’t think I can go back until after Christmas really, it’s going to be so painful listening to everyone talking about their Xmas when I don’t want to think about it, I work at the same place as my husband did so it’s even more painful, how old was your husband? Do you have family to support you ?
Hi Harry I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband in June this year and I’m on my a lot, it’s painful isn’t it
Its good you have a good relationship with your partners son. I have a son from my first marriage who is very supportive to me also. He also has work and his own life and doesn’t live very close to me so I can’t see him too often, but I do when I can.
Hopefully I’ll get used to a life without my husband eventually, and maybe fortunate to find love again one day. I can’t bear the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, but I still love my husband very much it’s so so difficult.
Hi Cookie,
I’m sorry for your loss.
My husband was almost 60 when he passed and I’ve just turned 58.
If you read my replies to Harry most of your questions are answered in them.
My husband had treatment etc at the hospital I work in and knew a lot of my colleagues. They all thought he was a lovely man, so this is another reason why going back will be incredibly difficult for me.
I hope you’re employer are understanding for you and you have the time you need before you go back to work.
Yes, awfully painful, I am sorry for your loss too. My partner died late in June just before her birthday. Probably much like you, I still feel very raw over her death. I think it’s the would-have-been future that has also been lost makes me grieve. I am within a year of retirement and now know none of the holidays or things we planned are going to happen
Oh Harry, life is so cruel. I hope in time you find the strength to do some of the things you had planned in your wife’s honour.
Thank you, Mousey. You have a good point there! No-one s partner would want the lives of their loved ones to be miserable after their death.
No problem, I’m happy to be able to help and hopefully bring you some kind of comfort and support, after all we’re all we’ve got now. As you say we have to make the most of life, when the times right, and try and make it the best we can. My husband had cancer and always said I had to carry on with life without him when he’d gone. Easier said than done, I miss everything about him more than words can say, but hopefully in time who knows what’s out there for us?
I’m sorry Harry it’s just horrendous isn’t it.
Don’t have any family?
My wife also had cancer, but I felt a lot of things I would/should have said weren’t. This was because, despite not wanting to, she ended up being cared for in the local hospice. Because of the morphine and other drugs, she was very sleepy towards the end and I didn’t want to bother her when she was awake.
I’m a tadge older, Mousey, just past 65
I agree, going back to a hospital or hospice that gave care is very hard. I have been back to the hospice to give a donation, as they were very kind - apart from the nurse who was chewing gum when she gave me the “what to do next” booklet