You mustn’t blame yourself for anything Harry, I’m sure your wife knew you were there for her and had her best interests at heart. I too feel I should and could have done more for my husband, he passed with pneumonia as he was too weak to fight it, but at the end of the day the outcome would of been the same no matter what I did or didn’t do.
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Yes, you’re right, Mousey. The past is the past, we did what we did and it was the best we could do at the time, in all fairness. I wish I didn’t have a small nursing background, as I could read between the lines regarding what was said and done. Also, sadly when someone is given morphine for pain relief, the outcome usually isn’t good
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It’s a horrible thing to watch your loved ones decline. Even though I could see my husband deteriorating before my eyes, in the last weeks of his life, I was in denial that he was likely to pass away, I clung onto the hope that he would get the right medication he needed to give him longer, selfish I know but I just didn’t want to lose him.
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Sadly, Mousey, I think it’s a common state. My wife was ill for about a year and a half. Gradually the options dwindled down: the surgery didn’t completely remove the cancer; the radiotherapy didn’t work and the chemotherapy the same. We looked into immunotherapy, but she was told she was too ill for it. All the while we were hoping for spontaneous remission or some miracle drug. Then she died. It felt totally unexpected, but an objective observer would have said it was predictable. Of course that doesn’t make it the slightest bit easier
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So cruel and you feel so powerless as you can’t help make them better 
I honestly didn’t think I’d feel so sad for this long, I still cry every day. People suggest joining things and being with people but I’m just not interested to be honest. Maybe I’m just not ready for anything else yet, I suppose we all grieve differently and it takes some longer than others to move on.
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Hi @Mousey I also work in the nhs and have been off work since February when my husband was given a terminal diagnosis and then passed in March.
I haven’t returned to work yet and have just been signed off until Xmas but then intend to ask my GP for another sick note to take me up to a year off.
I don’t think I’ll return to work and am very lucky in that I will be able to manage financially. I am team lead and have a clinical role which can be very stressful and I just know I’m not able to do it at the moment, alongside the risks to patient care if I were to make a mistake. I also need to be at home for my teenage daughter who is really struggling. I am going to ask for a Career break in the hope that I can at some point feel like I know what I want to do going forward, but meantime I feel I need to keep my options open.
Life is so different for us all now - I don’t think I want to go back to my old life even though I was very happy. I just feel it will never feel the same and that I need to move forwards instead of back. Don’t know what that will be but am working on accepting living with such uncertainty and letting grief do its work in the meantime.
I hope you find some resolution but do what is right for you - be kind to yourself and allow time for the healing you need. Xx
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Hi Roni,
I’m sorry for your loss. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my query.
I was actually considering taking some time off unpaid but wasn’t sure how to go about this. Could I ask in my upcoming welfare meeting? This is my second one since I went off so a member of the HR team will also be on the call this time.
I’m not really in a position to give up working completely, although it’s going to be very difficult and emotional going back to my job role, as it would mean I’d have to live on money left from my husbands death, which I can do for up to a year but don’t want it all to go on bills etc long term.
I hope everything works out for you though and you manage to make a new life somehow.
Personally found work helpful but i work from home for most part so if i have a bad day i can manage it. I’m also lucky to have colleagues who support each other. I’m very lucky. I don’t think they mean to push you back to work but it can feel that way. Work gives me stress but the screaming at the laptop kinda stress - i can deal with that. Its the stuff around mum’s house
etc that’s hard and causes im brain unable to switch off.
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Hi Mousey sorry for your loss. Grief is hard and a unique experience for us all. I lost my mum 7 weeks yesterday and I miss her so so much.
I was unsure about returning to work. When is the right time etc. I was off for work for 3 weeks after mum passed. The night before I returned I did feel extremely apprehensive and it felt like such a final part in losing mum for me. Like the reality that life goes on.
Once I was back it was actually ok. Fine getting back to a routine. During my 3 weeks off I visited work 4 teams and attended a meeting with my lead team as it was important that I was still in the loop being a lead myself.
Maybe you need to try little steps. It’s not easy but hopefully this could be more achievable for you X
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No, neither did I, think I would feel sad for so long. It feels illogical, as whether death is just an endless sleep or progression to some better place, it’s very much better than being in great pain. So, for me, as I do to cry and feel upset feels selfish: it’s about what I have lost, a kind, vibrant and loving lady, not about her suffering.
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Hi @Mousey
I would have a look at your nhs policies for time off work and then ask if your manager would support you in this.
Returning to work anytime around Xmas time I feel is just too difficult for me but everyone is different and it’s just doing what is right for you.
I do think the structure of work is good for bereaved people and can be a good distraction, but for me the balance is tipped in favour of staying off at the moment, for many valid and sensible reasons.
But I want to keep my options open as I hope I will feel differently in time.
Just be honest and ask for their help in exploring the options - that’s what they are meant to do and then you can make a decision which is what is right for you.
You are the most important person in this process and although there is no right decision probably, making the best one for you at this time is so important.
Take care and good luck xx
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Hi @Mousey and @_Harry and everyone else.
I am in pretty much similar situation as you @mousey.
I worked in the NHS for 24yrs before leaving to work in my local hospice, 6 months later my husband was suddenly taken ill.
I’m a community Palliative care specialist nurse for my local hospice , where my wonderful colleagues cared for my husband and where in fact died as an inpatient at the end of June. He too had cancer and our journey took 18months from diagnosis to death.
I’m not back at work yet, I’m just not able to do it. I can’t support others and their families reaching end of life whilst I’m still grieving so acutely. I actually had a massive problem with returning to the hospice itself , the care he received was excellent but he died in a room only a few doors down from my office. I have since visited my colleagues which was tough but I’m glad I did it. It was becoming a bit of a monster in my head!!. Suddenly it had gone from my place of work (work which I love) to the saddest place on earth!!
I would check your sick policy , I believe you’re entitled to stay off fir 6 months although your pay will change 3 monthly until your on unpaid. You will also still accrue annual leave which you can add onto your sick leave.
To return I suggest speaking to your manager /HR dept and ask for contact of your employee wellness scheme, they can support you in returning.
I’m not planning to return to work until after Christmas, I simply can’t although I do know I desperately need the structure and social side work gives. I’m on unpaid leave as hospice sick policy not as long as NHS.
I still need to provide a sick note which my GP does without needing to speak to me, I just tell the receptionist.
Christmas was huge for M, so my kids and I need to figure out how we do it. M would have also been 50 just before Xmas. Two big occasions I’m now actually a little apprehensive about, but I’ll figure that out nearer the time .
For me January is when I’ll go back, on a 4 week phased return.
Hopefully I’ll be able to go back to the job I love .
Good luck, I hope it works out for you 
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@Swantaff I really am so very sorry to hear that your husband died in the hospice you work in. I work in care too, but caring for people with learning disabilities. I tried to care for my partner at home, but I think pressure was put on her to go to our local hospice, so that’s where she was cared for. I have thought of giving up working in care, as I find it hard now, but I can see it must be much harder. My best wishes to you and I hope you end up doing whatever is best
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Yes it does feel selfish to cry but I think we need to let our emotions out, like a release valve I suppose.
I had an abusive first marriage, so meeting my second husband was amazing as he was so loving and selfless. He always gave me the confidence to do things where my first husband put me down all the time.
So I grieve so many things that I have lost from him passing away. He loved me unconditionally and never asked for much in return. He really was a diamond, who I was fortunate to have 11 and a half years with. However now without him by my side I’m completely lost and feel so alone. Even when we weren’t together we were always texting each other, usually while I was at work so that’s another reason why going back will be difficult as I’ll miss his messages very much.
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Hi Swantoff,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for replying and sharing your experience.
I feel I’ll need to be off until after Christmas too, but I’ll just take as long as I need before I feel I’ll be able to cope with being back at work.
It must make it so much more difficult for you with your husband being in the Hospice where you have a major job role. It must also be a comfort to know he would have received excellent care from your colleagues in his final days.
I work in radiology, so my husband had regular scans with us so got to know a lot of the team. He also had chemo and immunotherapy at one of the hospitals I work in.
I’m patient facing most of the time so need to be sure I’m strong enough emotionally to speak to patients with the same or similar to what my husband had without bursting into tears, obviously wouldn’t be good for the poor patient!
So I’ll probably request another sick note from my GP when this current one has ended.
I hope everything works out as good as it can for you too. Out lives will never be the same but hopefully we’ll carry on, somehow. xx
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He sounds a lovely man ; I am glad you had 11 and a half years together and I can see why you feel so sad and lost now. I feel similar over my partner, she was almost always kind and even when she was in a lot of pain - this is making me cry - she didn’t " make a fuss" . I feel guilty, that I should have been there for her more.
I think sadly there are a lot of abusive people out there. I was with a woman long ago who took great pleasure in trying to belittle me. It was a bit of a waste of time really, as I had seen a lot of aberrant behaviour from a small number of people when I worked as a psychiatric nurse. I remember getting fed up with it so much once that I told her she could say what she liked about me, but I didn’t have to believe it. God was she angry!
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Oh he really was, totally genuine and honest. I’d be extremely lucky to find anyone as good, so will probably be destined to a life alone now sadly. He also didn’t make a fuss so if he ever said something was bothering him, his breathing or any pain, I knew it was really bad, bless him.
I didn’t have the nerve to stand up to my ex husband as I was scared of him, which he totally exploited. Anyway it’s good you stood up for yourself and hopefully the woman in question has learnt to treat people better.
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Terrible that your ex- was so awful. Sounds like he had a personality disorder to be the way you describe him, Mousey.
I feel the same about my partner. She was always worrying about other people, in a caring way. She thought of other people before herself and I think this made her life hard.
I don’t imagine I will find anyone to match her. But that being said, I think we all need to build a new life, as happy as it can be. This is what they would want for us .
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Hi _Harry, Hi Cookie1973
So sorry for your losses. My husband died in early July the day after his birthday, 2 weeks after his cancer was diagnosed - it all happened so fast that there was little time to process it all… The rawness is definitely still there and difficult to deal with - like you I am on my own a lot. Also like you, Harry, we were planning for retirement, so I have lost my future as well as my husband. Just feeling very lost and alone.
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Hi hazd,
I’m very sorry for your loss. It must of been very traumatic for you with happening so quickly
I hate being on my own, but also feel safest in our home so it’s torture that my husband is gone. We literally did everything together apart from work and were extremely close.
I hope things start to get a little easier for you soon and chatting on here helps you.