There’s a story about a man who lost his wife after 20 years of marriage. For months, the pain was unbearable; he felt his life had no meaning or purpose without her. Then one day, he found an old notebook she used to write in; it was filled with reflections, thoughts and quotes about life. In those pages, he discovered a sentence that changed everything. “If I leave before you, I want you to keep living life for the both of us.” That moment marked a turning point for him. He realised that his grief didn’t have to be a life sentence of sorrow; it could be an invitation to honour her memory through his own existence.
So, my question is: If mindset is just a setting in the mind, can we change the setting?
I think you can but its not easy. I tend to be an overthinker and a bit negative .My Husband ,the opposite. So I talked to him ,to hear his thoughts . Listening to his perspective made me think about things and how you can see things in a totally different way. Struggling now,so I try to think what would Steve think and do. Our minds are so powerful.
Maybe in time some people can change their mindset but I doubt if I can or even want to. I’m six months into grief after losing my partner suddenly. I came home after 2 days to find him dead. I was sorting out my old flat for my niece to stay in, we’d also had a big argument the day before I left. The guilt I feel for not being there in the last two days of his life is horrendous. I have tried online counselling but it doesn’t make me feel any better. We were together for almost 40 years. We had our ups and downs but I loved him deeply. I’m not really living, I just function from day to day. How do I even begin to think of moving forward?
@Wilson9 in answer to your question, yes you can change the setting, but for me it didn’t come through one moment of realisation but rather a thousand little realisations that each, at the time, held the significance of the discovery of the man in the story.
I’ve found that these types of realisation come along but there has been no one moment that has turned out to be the year zero in my acceptance of my wife’s death and how I have learned to carry my grief and so her along with me. Rather it has been a process over time of investigation, learning, effort and patience to understand what it means to live and to experience loss. For me it has never been a direct path but instead full of loops and dead ends, often retreading the same ground but gradually moving forwards. I can’t say that after 3 and a half years I have any kind of blinding insight into the nature of human existence but I do find now that I am willing to admit that the only person you can really live your life for is yourself. I still think of my wife, tell her of things I have achieved and listen to what I think she would have said, but in the end it’s really been a willingness to accept that her story is over and she is now part of mine that has helped me to reach any kind of peace with my situation. This may not be for everyone and I respect that we have different approaches but this is what has worked for me. For now…
I have just been told i am an overthinker maybe I am bit I never really knew that or what it really means not one of my family have ever said it to me till now my nephew said it to me and I am a bit scared to ask in case I don’t like the answer I just want everybody in my family to get on with one and other i that a lot to ask for
That is what you have to try to do,live for yourself but after 55years living as a couple and never living alone,it seems impossible. You have to live it inch by inch feeling the little moments when something lifts for a second. For a fleeting moment you feel like yourself.I saw my friend yesterday and she made me laugh,I felt so guilty but it made me realise Im in there somewhere.
@Woody9 I was the same, it took me time to allow joy back into my life, for those flashes of happiness to join up and become a constant thread that can guide us out, but it does happen, and now I feel comfortable with laughter, the giddiness of life, after all the worst is behind us. I’m sure you’ll find yourself again, I did and I was once where you stand now, let the joy and laughter in there really is nothing to feel guilty about, we need it to live.
Walan. Im glad you feel the worst is behind you,it gives me hope. Im not there yet. Lots of dark days but I feel something lighter is peeping through.Im trying to just live one day at a time,not think about the future too much,make the most of the day Im in. You can really depress yourself if you just think about the lonely days ahead. Thank you for your words,I like how you think.
I don’t know when perspective will change but I can’t imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. I’m 10 months into grieving and sometimes I’m right back in the moment when I found my husband, who passed from cancer. We had just added hospice to the story and then in a matter of days you were gone. I think back on the doctors we listened to and it was all for nothing. Nothing could be done but they lie to your face and put you through procedures that were useless for what reason I will never understand. The hospice people are the only part of this story that were helpful. I can only hope that other people see through the medical bullshit and take whatever time you have to live and not listen to a useless oncologist suggest 20 appointments that let you spend more time in the oh so stupid medical world.
I totally agree with you. The Dr’s could see when my husband went into hospital that that cancer was absolutely everywhere, it started in the pancreas, yet put him through a liver biopsy which was horrendous. They also convinced him to have chemo, when there was absolutely no chance of it having any effect whatsoever. He had 1 chemo and his quality of life after that was just terrible, and was gone 3 weeks later.
As a result of this experience, I have no faith in the medical profession. They just tell you what you want to hear. All he wanted to do was come home to me, and he told palliative care he wanted to die at home but they even denied him that last wish. The first time I met with palliative care was 4 days before he died. Awful cruel people.
I’m so sorry Peg for your loss. The anger that comes with the grief is crippling. The medical system is so messed up, and when you get these terminal diseases you are so shell shocked you believe they know more than you and they sign you up for all kinds of totally useless treatments.
Lynn11 and Peg2, those must have been horrendous experiences. I would not want to be anywhere near our local hospitals at the end of my life. I hope eventually that your memories of them fade and you remember the good times.
@Wilson9 When they were growing up and one of our boys complained about life being unfair, Heather would say to them - you can’t always choose what happens to you but you can choose your reaction.
I’ve thought of that phrase often in the 14 months since she died and thought about whether I could just change my mindset. On balance I think she’s right but the reality is that this overwhelming grief is the reaction I want, no need, to choose.
I wish I could change my mindset but.i cannot I.feel all I want is to have paul back with me I want and need him so much it’s horrible feeling like this all of the time I am physically and mentally drained nobody tells you what it is like and I loved him so much I cannot see myself going on any longer without him I feel so lost in this pain I want it to leave me now I want to be able to smile and be happy but that is never going to happen I have to go out into this world paint a face on that is acceptable even although my heart is broken into all these pecies and I dont think it will ever mend how can it I just feel.so sad all of the time I just want to.scream at this world why ,why did you have to.take him and leave me here with nothing ,nothing at.all this is the cruelest thing to happen to anybody
I’ve read your posts and I would like to add this.
Grief is like drowning. You keep sinking but there comes a time when you hit bottom and then you have a choice. Do I stay here in the darkness, or do I push off, rise to the surface and live in the light again?
Do you think of your loved one’s life as an ending or a continuation? Do you think that they no longer exist, or do you think they were transformed into something else? Do you identify with them as they were or with what they’ve become? I’m convinced that the essence of who they were, when they were here, lives on in a form and in a realm, we can’t begin to imagine. We may have lost the conscious, physical connection we had with them, but we remain connected to them on an unconscious, spiritual level.
I can only speak from my own experience, but life does become a little more bearable if you can start thinking about your grief from a different perspective. Thinking of your loved one’s life as a continuation not an ending, accepting their spiritual existence and identifying with them as they are, not as they were, is crucial. Being able to look at their photographs, listen to a special song or recall a special event in your lives without breaking down in tears, but just smiling because you know, even though they may be absent physically, their spiritual presence is still with you sharing every moment, every memory and every emotion.
It’s taken me 12 months and a lot of practice to be able join up the minutes, the hours and the days which help to make life a little more bearable for me some of the time. It still feels like a roller coaster ride and there are still some bad days but knowing that I can change my mindset is a lifeline.
They say the first step towards getting somewhere better is when you decide you’re not going to stay where you are.
I don’t know if this is making any sense to anyone or if you think I’m talking bollocks. Just wanted to share.
Well all.i.can sst is i am at the bottom off the sea and cannot rise at the moment i just wanted people to understand me and get what.i.am going through not to judge me not to.make me feel.guilty.for.trying my.hardest to cope Paul’s family well let’s.just say they judge me.they look at me and think why are you still here what do you want off of us we lost paul and i get that but paul was my husband for 44yrs I lost my best friend and soulmate and lover all in one go it was like puff and he’s gone how do.you expect me to feel i am so lost in all off this i dont have anyone that.i.can talk to who will sit and listen to.me and understand me what.am I supposed to do how do I cope i dont know anymore but I know one thing is that.no one should judge you at all please feel free to get to.know me first then you can say what you think is appropriate and may help.me but do not judge me for the sake of judging me I would never do that.to.anyone as I am the kind and considerate person I was brought.up to be some beg you not.to.judge me on words get to know the real sarah the girl behind all this pain as I am still here I just need someone to take to and help.me understand all of it that’s all I can say for know as been out for.meal pub gave me.a.free bottle of wine for.my birthday and I took it and thanked them as that’s.who.i am and I do not.even like wine but I took it and was grateful and now I am back home with nobody here the tears have come I cannot stop them
Yes, that’s what I know to be true. I miss the physical, but I know this is where we are all eventually heading–to spirit, energy, whatever one calls it. I think we need correct thinking to begin to understand and accept. We are all so used to thinking about ourselves as “physical,” but it’s only a small part of the ultimate reality about “ourselves.”
These posts are not directed at you personally. No one is trying to judge you or make you feel guilty. We’re all in the same boat on this forum and we’re just trying to help each other.
Clearly, you are in a lot of pain but you can’t deal with this on your own. You need to speak to someone about it. Why don’t you contact your GP? Maybe he/she could refer for grief counselling. Alternatively, you could ring Cruse Bereavement Support on 0808 808 1677. I found them very helpful.
Hi Peg my wife’s first oncologist started shouting like a crazy woman because we wanted to look into alternatives, she said you’ll be dead in a few months. I told her that she should have never become a doctor even less an oncologist, dealing with people in such a delicate moment and that she could at least act like a human being. My wife also had a liver biopsy and a student made the first try and failed in the end the head doctor took over. They know that a biopsy makes the cancer spread as they break up the tumor but… In the two years my wife was ill we read up every thing we could and doctors hated our questions but we tried lots different alternative treatments in the end what should have been an easy draining of her bile duct turn into an infection that killed her.
Wishing you peace
Tom
I am physically and mentally drained nobody tells you what it is like and I loved him so much I cannot see myself going on any longer without him I feel so lost in this pain I want it to leave me now I want to be able to smile and be happy but that is never going to happen I have to go out into this world paint a face on that is acceptable even although my heart is broken into all these pecies and I dont think it will ever mend how can it I just feel.so sad all of the time I just want to.scream at this world why ,why did you have to.take him and leave me here with nothing ,nothing at.all this is the cruelest thing to happen to anybody 
but I took it and was grateful and now I am back home with nobody here the tears have come I cannot stop them