Can we love too much

So many of us on here are hurting beyond measure. Can you love a person so much that you exclude the rest of the world?
My husband and I lived just for each other and never needed friends or outside interests (other than he played golf) We lived and breathed for each other. When he died 4 months ago I thought my tears were self pity but they are not.
Mike was such a kind, gentle, caring soul and loved life. I loved him so much that I would gladly have given my own life if his could have been spared. He didn’t deserve to die and was fit all his life until the last 3 weeks of a sudden illness and he was always certain that he would live to be over 100.
I feel so lost and sad that we are apart and the tears just never stop despite the fact that I try to be so positive.
I keep hoping this pain will ease and I’m sure it will in time but for now I am missing him so much it is unbearable.

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Hi. Jean. Can we love too much? No, not possible. Love is never ending, it can overcome the worst possible experiences we can have such as grief. We do exclude the rest of the world so often when we love so deeply. Our world is shattered when we suffer such loss. I never used to believe in a ‘broken heart’ but I do now. The pieces do come together in time, but the scars never fade. Four months is so little time. You may find, as I have, that the edge is taken off the pain after time. It’s two years since my wife died and although I still have my moments, the awful initial pain has lessened.
But everyone copes in their own way.
Bless you and take care. John.

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Hi Jean
Did I believe in a broken heart, NO, do I believe in a broken heart now, YES. It shatters but it will slowly start to mend. That love doesn’t go away though.
I can only agree with what Jonathan has already said. The edge may go off the pain of loss. It’s a slow process so don’t try to rush through grief, it’s just not possible. It’s said that we have to travel the road of grief to come out the other end and this is so true.
It’s not just losing them it’s all that they take with them. Our life changes so very much. Those memories that hurt so much now, will start to become happy ones that you will cherish but probably not just yet.
Four months is just no time and far to raw to even begin to make sense of anything and they are never, tears of self pity. They are tears that we have no control over, so let them come freely. I found that they became my friend, they eased my pain. They are a tribute to our loved ones.
Keep searching for that positive outlook, nothing wrong in that, but don’t let it rule your life just yet. We all find our own way and time will show you how.
Thinking of you Jean.
Pat xxx

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Thank you Pat and John. Your comments mean a lot to me as I can’t ever imagine a time when I will be happy again, and I believe you that the pain will ease with time. Thank you for taking the time to give some reassurance.

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@Jean2 I identify with everything you say. It is also 4 months since my John died. We were joined at the hip, did everything together and loved each other totally. I also thought I cried for myself but in reality I was crying for everything John had lost. He was a kind, gentle, funny and beautiful man. Such a big heart that let him down at the last moment. You can guarantee that I understand exactly how you are feeling. We can only try to support each other on here and hope that the others further down the road are right. Time will be kind to us. Take care :butterfly::broken_heart:

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Dear Jean2,
What a sorrowful story! I feel for your loss - I believe I know how you feel. You emulate the kind of love where you would have given your life for his - that’s what struck me most and I felt I needed to tell you how I feel for your loss. I felt the same when I left the hospital when they told me my wife had died. I went home alone - wishing to this date how I wish it would ha been me instead of her. She had so much to live for - she died too early in life. I am truly sorry to hear your story. They all leave us too soon and early in life sometimes. My heart grieves for all of you on this site who have lost a loved one. Please accept my sympathy!!
Herb

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I so agree with you. About grieving for the things they have lost. Tony loved his new car, but only managed to drive it for a few months before he had leg problems. He wanted to see our granddaughter become a midwife, but died when she is still at uni. So much he wanted to do and can’t. I don’t know which hurts more, losing them or feeling heartbroken for what they have lost.

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Dear AnnR,
Thank you for writing back to me. I read your post and all I can say is maybe it is a combination of both. If I may, I’d like to share my most recent experience. I live in a low part of our city. Last night it rained so hard that I awoke to find my basement nearly flooded. My son-in law is staying there because he made a big mistake and his wife kicked him put. (I don’t blame her but what can I do? ) I have spent a good part of the day cleaning out all the crud and trying to put i back together. Seems like the story of my life in a way. Always trying to put things back together. How I wish my wife was back with me — she was my cheering section! I would have done it for her - but my son-in law always seemed to have had an attitude problem with his Mom. I am seriously thinking of giving him his option of moving out or working out his differences with his wife or living with his brother (who has offered to take him in). I don’t wish to be cold hearted but he rarely does anything to help me. He’s been here for 2 months now. (What a Sap I am). Anyway, I know this is not what you need to hear - I am sorry for crying on your shoulder but it seemed to always be something going wrong doesn’t it? I do feel for you and what you say about your husband. My wife had plans too - she was trying to improve our house for eventual family get togethers. Now, she’s gone! I am left here facing all this drama. Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t have brought it up - I hope you will understand.
Thank you for your time! Blessings to you!
Herb

I do indeed understand, Herb, and of course you should have brought it up. Whst sre we all on here for if not to listen and be heard? What a nightmare. It sems as though your son-in-law is taking advantage of you big-time and you must be a saint to have put up with him for all that time. You say that someone else has offered to take him. What are you waiting for??? Kick him out pronto and take back his key. Don’t feel bad about it. I know for a fact that if your wife had to choose between your happines and that of a relative, she would choose your happiness without a doubt. Don’t feel guilty, just do it! Good luck and do let us know how it goes.Hugs, Ann

I understand also Herb. You know things that might have happened when we had our loved ones with us would be no big deal then, now the slightest little hiccup is a major disaster in our lives. Don’t let people take advantage of you especially at a time like this. Easily said than done I know. Having your basement nearly flooded is bad enough without the worry of your son in law. Tell your son in law to get off his backside and help you or move on. Whatever you decide do it for yourself, think about yourself and take care.
Pat

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In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety. You are one of them.
Thank you,
Herb

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Not yet three weeks since I “lost” my husband (all these polite terms we use for something so wild and terrible).

I cannot imagine managing four months or two years or more time. I only managed this because family stay with me most minutes since and I eat so they eat and watch news about trump, covid brexit and all things that seemed important but aren’t for hours because they do and all the rest… I don’t want to do any of it.

Herb how did it go with your son in law? its hard to take small actions so big actions like that sound very difficult.

May we all have some good moments today.

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@FleurDeLis How I hate that expression LOST. It’s as if we dropped them somewhere. If they were just LOST we would bl***y well go and find them. Three weeks. You are doing well to be even able to post on here. Take care and keep taking to us. :butterfly::broken_heart:

Thank you Johnswife. To be honest sometimes I am posting here as it keeps me occupied typing whilst my mum and stepdad watch the news. I am not sure if what I am typing is authentic as sometimes I sound sensible but inside all I am really saying is “aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh”. I am trying but don’t know who I am these last weeks as this is not my life. Its like I am playing a part.

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Hello Sheila, Thank you for your kind reply. I feel sorry your lovely Peter died 6 years ago but I feel heartened that you still miss him this far down the line. It means I won’t be forgetting Mike in the near future as I have to make a new unwanted routine for myself. Sometimes it feels that when we put all our legal paperwork into just our name it feels as if we are discarding a part of them and I don’t want to do that. Like you, I would love to go back to the beginning and live our lives over again - married 41 years - together 47 years. Oh for a magic wand.

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Hello Jean. Do you think you loved too much? I can’t imagine you will say yes but I wonder.

I spent all my time with my husband. Very occasionally we met other friends and usually every other weekend we went for breakfast or a walk with my family.

Even on his birthday party at Christmas we were over with the party by early evening. I didn’t go to my work Christmas doo the last few years as it felt like wasting a nice evening I could have with him at home. All family celebrations except my 3 close family members we avoided as preferred being together at home. Even separate hobbies we did together in the same room. I loved the covid lock down as we both worked from home again in the same room and so all week we spent all our minutes together really. I always knew I’d put all my eggs in one basket and some friends fell out with me because I used to bring him to everything (he had moved to this country to be with me so didn’t have separate family or friends to start with). I guess now I pay for that as I don’t have real good friends or any activities I can do that aren’t entwined in him but still I think that’s probably a fair price for what we had when I try and be rational. I wouldn’t give up what we had even though this is torture.

Dear FleurDeLis, After nearly 2 months, he decided to return to his wife. (He’s not totally out of the picture yet, but he knows how I feel). It appears he is devoted to his 2 children - I told him he needs to start thinking about them, he complained that his father was not there for him and his brother when they were younger - so he stays distant with him. His father was also a “hot headed” person and I can see why my wife left him - he could be abusive. He told me that when I met his mother she was a happy person. I was sorry to hear him recall those days. I think he sees the affect being selfish can be and the lasting affects on his children. Just as an aside comment - when I see and hear about children having to endure hardships, disapointments in life it makes me a bit furious. I just have to put my basement back in order now. I hope he can make his life better for his family. Thanks for asking - take care!
Herb

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Dear Pattydot — you are so right! My son-in-law returned to his wife - I think he got the message! Thank you and AnnR for being my cheering section! Nice to know I am not the Bad Guy.
Thank you!!!
Herb

Hi Herb
Well, what excellent news! Now change the locks! Seriously, now is the time to take stock and think about the best way you can help yourself… it is hard, I know, but the only one who can help you sort out some sort of a life, even if it’s not the life you want, is you.
I wish you all the best, and I am always here if you want a chat. Ann xx

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Ann, how right you are. The only person that can really help us is ourselves. Sometimes we can see that light and sometimes we are lost in a black fog and it does help to come on this forum but I have always believed that no matter how hard it gets we are the ones that can sort out the jumbled up thoughts and emotions that are running through us at a time of loss. It really does turn our world upside down and we have to put it right again. We are being tested that’s for sure.
Pat
xx

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