Cant sleep, cant stop crying

This just doesn’t get any easier.
More tears, no sleep. Feel so alone.
I don’t know how to stop feeling like this.
I just wish I could sleep and wake up feeling like my life had some meaning, instead of just feeling totally broken.
Its waking and being hit with the truth again, you’re not coming back, everyday is like losing you all over again.
Its 5 1/2 weeks now but every day feels like the first. It hurts so much and its getting worse.
I have the funeral on Friday and dont know if I want it to come or not, at least I’ve had that to focus on, then what?

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I know, I think we all feel as you do. I’ve cried so many times every single day for over 2 months and it isn’t getting better or easier. The funeral will be a big deal, go with it and don’t worry about crying or sobbing. Please make plans for the days following it. I went to Scotland alone on a city break, it helped to focus on something and while I was there no-one knew me or what I’d been through.

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Hi @Liro
I hear you, in the early stages of grief, having the funeral to plan gives us something to focus on, but as you say, then what? I think in a way, when a loved one first passes, it’s a big shock, & we go on autopilot. Though our loved ones may no longer physically be here, they are with us in spirit, & we will carry them in our hearts forever, in that way they will never truly leave us.
My heart goes out to you at this upsetting time. Sending hugs of support.

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Hi Sadgirlfriend and pandaprincess
Thankyou for reaching out.
I know its early days and I will go on but in the early hours of the morning when sleep won’t come it all seems so much harder.
I am going to stay with my sister for a while after the funeral but sometimes I think thats just running away from reality and nothing is really going to change.
I know that my husband will be in my heart forever but its just so raw now. I’m trying to keep busy but how do you switch your brain off?
Thankyou for caring. You both take care too, you wouldn’t be there if you werent going through this too
Big hugs to you both

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Hi, you’re right. It is early days and it will get better. It never goes away but you cope better as time passes. Alan died just before Christmas and I don’t really remember much about those early days. But now, coming up to 4 months and I’m finding me again. It’s not easy and there are still days when I’m low but they are fewer now and I am able to plan and do things again. I have a lovely, and very wise, friend called Sam who says if something makes you feel happy then you should do it. And if it bothers you, you shouldn’t. Simple as that. It’s about looking after yourself and finding small pleasures where you can. How to approach the funeral? That’s a hard one. I went with Sam on that one too and had the service that was right for me and Alan would have enjoyed. No hymns, no prayers. A brilliant and funny celebrant and lots of rock music. The church going aunties tutted and scowled but who cares. It wasn’t for them. The people who loved Alan, and who love me, thought it was fabulous. And, it was nowhere near as bad as I expected. Made a fool of myself though; was hugging everyone and realised I’d hugged the taxi driver as well!! Oh dear.
Anyway, I wish you all the very best today, tomorrow and beyond. Take care of you x

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Hi @Liro - I’m right there with you. Four months in and some days I’m still just a puddle on the floor.

I have a small pile of my partner’s clothes on a pillow on the bed - the ones that smell most like him. It doesn’t really help but I don’t want to move them - I couldn’t even change the sheets for the first three months. It’s like a part of me is still trying to find him, waiting for him to come back.

All I will say is that there are now days when I’m not crying the entire time. The pain is just as deep when I feel it, but there are moments of relief in between. I guess eventually they’ll expand into longer periods of time.

I’m also not sleeping well, but it’s anxiety that’s keeping me awake at the moment. Earlier on, I didn’t feel like I was sleeping so much as passing out, and I didn’t wake up with that dawning realisation, I just woke up still knowing it had happened and wishing I could escape from that knowledge for a few hours. Sadly, reality is relentless that way.

I think all we can do is keep going and keep sharing these feelings as they arise. It feels impossible sometimes to put one foot in front of the other, but there’s no other option.

Sending you love and understanding. Hopefully this is the hardest thing we’ll ever have to do :heart:

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Hi Arvia and Mourningbird
Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply and being there for me.
I just feel so wretched at the moment and I’m just wondering if that will ever change.
I’m sure i wasnt this bad in the beginning, but then it wasnt real and I really thought he’d be coming home. I guess I realise now that he won’t.
Maybe after the funeral I’ll try harder to move on but for the life of me at the moment I dont know how.
It helps to know that people are there for me, all part of some strange club that no one wanted to join.
I hope I can reach out and help others the way you’re all reaching out to me
Thankyou. Take care

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I am feeling the same @Liro. It’s been just over a month and I have the funeral to get through next Tuesday. It is awful isn’t it? I find it utterly relentless. The numbness is wearing off for me and I feel less like he will just walk in grinning about the practical joke he’s played on me and full of a horrible sense of finality. I hope everything goes as you hope it will on Friday and will be thinking of you xx

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Thankyou starbright
I know what you mean about the numbness, I thought i was struggling before but now the reality is hitting me and its getting worse and worse.
I’ve also started thinking that I did something wrong, or missed something
Something that would have meant he would still be here. I know its just my brain playing its mind games but it doesnt stop the thoughts.
Thankyou and I’m sure Friday will go ok
And then, who knows I’ve just got to fulfill the promise I made him and be ok, but I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
I hope everything goes well for you on Tuesday and I will be there with you in my heart
Love and hugs xx

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I lost my husband coming up to 3 months ,and still heartbroken ,Just focus on the funeral ,then just take one day at a time ,that is what i try to do .grief is hard ,but you will get through this . It is early days for you and i feel your pain.Sending hugsx

Thankyou lucycat
I know its early days, friends keep telling me to stop being hard on myself and cry as much as I need to. But then I would be crying all the time and I’m sure they’ll soon get fed up with that.
Thats why I’m finding so much comfort with this community, this club of broken hearts. We’re all in the same boat and we all understand each others feelings.
3 months is no time at all, thats how long since we were told that Roger had terminal cancer. Never got to process that. He was gone in 6 weeks.
I know this won’t go on forever but at the moment I can’t see a way out. But I will get there. With the help and support of my family, friends and this wonderful community, I know eventually I will get through and although my heart will never fully mend I will learn a new way of life and carry on as he wanted me to and how I promised him I would.
Huge hugs to you all x x

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What a day I’ve had! Up and down all day. Didn’t want to get out of bed til 10.30am, made a shopping list (dog food and paint supplies), met a friend in a shop and had a chat, that cheered me up. Caught in the rain. Took my dog round the park between showers. Home again to cry. Spoke to my Mum (140 miles away, hardly ever rings me), she told me I shouldn’t cry any more…!!!
Then a friend rang me for a chat and I was happy again.
A few hours to go before bedtime, who knows what’ll happen next with these emotions?
Hope you’ve had a manageable day. X

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I feel for you. I didn’t want to get out of bed either but did eventually. Did some tidying ready for the funeral, not that anyone will notice. Cried most of the morning. Went and paid some bills. Bumped into 2 different people who didnt know about Roger, that was tough. Came home and did some dusting, the hoovering can wait until tomorrow. My friend rang and got the tears but she’s very understanding. She lost her husband about a year ago.
Now like you got to fill the time until bedtime, and just hope I can sleep tonight.
Maybe not sleeping is the brains way of not having to face the truth in the morning :roll_eyes:

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The funeral will be hard, maybe not as bad as you think because in a weird way you are still working together, being involved, doing something and being close for a while . . . But afterwards the real journey starts. You will still be with your love but in a new way that will become more real over time. What you had and now have cannot be taken away - ‘for thou art with me and will comfort me’ And Love is stronger than death. You can and you will go forward, not as you were for that can never be and is the source of your sadness, slipping away, away. But out of that your love will re-form, re-grow and be with you as a constant friend and companion, as potent as comforting, always there, always with you to make the journey ahead together.

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Thankyou Lapizst.
Thats the problem, we’ve always done everything together, we even had covid together, both of us testing positive for 15 days. But still he looked after me, even though he was ill himself. That was the sort of man he was, always putting me first, looking after me and worrying about me right until the end. Now I’ve got to learn to care for myself and do things on my own. He’ll always be in my heart but I just miss him so much. I feel so broken, like a child although I’m far from being a child. But grief is no respector of age. Its cruel and crippling, and just as you think you’ve turned a corner it comes to knock you right back down again, and we’ve all got a lot of corners to turn
As I’ve said before I made Roger s promise and thats the one thing that will get me through this, somehow. After the funeral I’ve got to start my new life and I’m dreading it. But one day at a time. One week after the funeral is our wedding anniversary, thats going to be so hard and I dont know what to do, wallow in bed or go out and do something special, except I dont know what.
Take care

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@Liro
I’m very sorry for your recent loss & feel your pain.
I felt exactly as you have felt regarding the Funeral when my Wife Anna passed away following a long Cancer battle last November. Although i had all the funeral arrangements to focus on i was still struggling to come to terms with the day drawing ever closer. Fortunately a fair bit of it was made easier by the fact that Anna had left me a letter with her exact instructions on how she wanted the Funeral to be conducted, along with our Son & Daughter’s help i carried out her requests to the letter which made me feel a bit better about it all.
All the things you are feeling right now are exactly how it was for me in the very beginning, i couldn’t eat, sleep or focus on anything other than losing my beloved Wife of 31 years, my best friend and soulmate, we did everything together & in all those years, never spent a day apart. Suddenly she was gone, the pain was unbearable. When I’d eventually drop off to sleep through sheer exhaustion I’d awake only to be hit with the same feelings all over again. I cried & cried for days on end not knowing how to deal with the pain of it all. I had days where i just couldn’t face anything or anyone, just feeling completely numb, sometimes not even getting out of bed. I felt a sense of overwhelming guilt that it was her who had gone & not me, asking time after time after time, " Why ? Why ? Why ? "
As Christmas approached i was dreading it, how could I face it on my own ? Thankfully my two Children were a huge support to me & didn’t allow me to be on my own.
Once the Funeral had passed i decided to go back to work, only for a couple of days a week to begin with, i decided that being around people i knew might help me & it did. I’m 5 months in now & although i still have bad days, they are fewer & not as raw.
Don’t be afraid to let your feelings do what they need to do, Cry if you need to cry, if something reminds you of a happy time you & Roger had, have a little smile about it, it is allowed. Be kind to yourself & take things slowly, your heart is broken & needs time to slowly begin to heal, it wil never fully mend but you will learn new ways of coping with your feelings. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that all goes well on Friday.
Love & hugs xx :heart:

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Villaboy22
Thankyou for your wishes and care.
I dont know how any of us manage to carry on, yet somehow we do. I’m retired so no prospect of going to work to distract me but I will try to focus on things that I can do, the garden, the decorating etc.
After the funeral i shall go yo my sisters for a while to try to make sense of it all and try to start picking myself up and climbing out of this deep hole I’m in.
I actually managed some sleep last night and do feel a bit calmer this morning, but I dont know how long that will last.
Today will be the last time I can go and sit with him, I know he’s in my heart but sitting by him gave me a small comfort.
I’ll go through the motions today and try to act as if I’m ok but I’m already getting tearful so that didnt last long. I have a list of jobs today to get ready for tomorrow so maybe that’ll be a distraction.
The sun is shining but the rain is pouring in my heart. I thought I could kid myself that I’m ok but I’m really not. Somehow I’ll get through tomorrow and then… who knows, its going to be such a hard journey to start, I really dont know if I can. There, the calmness didn’t last long did it?
Take care everyone

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@Liro
When my Anna’s Funeral had finally arrived it all went as we had planned & she had an amazingly touching & emotional service conducted by a lovely lady celebrant, we couldn’t have asked for better. So many people turned up that they couldn’t all fit inside the Crematorium.
It was a hugely emotional day but when it was all over & the day was done the next morning when i woke i felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness, like i was trapped in a massive dark room with no doors or windows, nothing inside just four black walls & nothing else, no matter which way i turned. I believe this was the reality of her being separated from me forever dawning on me. Before the Funeral i went to the Funeral Directors to see her every few days so still had a connection to her, but now i couldn’t do that any more & every day felt the same, still trapped inside the huge dark room. After around 5 days of this the Funeral Directors contacted me to collect her ashes, i dreaded going as i didn’t know how I’d feel but once I’d been & collected them & returned home, strangely i didn’t feel as if i was in the huge dark room any longer, i felt a sense of calmness, like she was back with me again where she belonged.
I keep her ashes in my front room with some pictures & some candles lit as she absolutely adored the scented ones. I sit & talk to her throughout the day just like she’s still here with me. At night i take her urn upstairs & place it on the table on her side of the bed, talk to her some more & give her a kiss goodnight before going off to sleep. I’m comforted by this & stick to this same procedure every day, it has become part of my daily routine. Sleeping has improved a little but it’s not what it should be.
Once the Funeral has been & gone you will find your own way to continue on, the grief journey is different for everyone & you will get through yours in your own way, there’s no handbook or rules, just let your feelings guide you through. Prayers & Thoughts are with you for tomorrow, Stay Strong xx :heart:

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Thankyou so much
I’m just off to sit with Roger for the last time. Im absolutely heartbroken knowing I wont be able to go again.
My friends and family have got plans for me for the weekend to help me get through but I know inside I shall be totally lost
Take care x

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Thank you for your reply