I’m posting in anticipation of what’s to come. My partner has had cancer since summer '22 but none of the treatments have worked and we heard last week that there are no more options available. His kidney cancer has spread to his lungs, lymph system and liver - and even in the last week he has deteriorated rapidly. On Friday he had 6l of fluid drained from his abdomen which we hoped would make him more comfortable but so far he has been unable to get out of bed or eat anything much. He has no energy at all and is asleep 98% of the time.
I’m caring for him at home on my own and it’s so exhausting. I’m not sleeping much as I’m constantly on alert for if he needs me. Friends and family are doing all they can but none of us can make this better and it’s so painful watching him deteriorated so quickly. He still gets sickness, finds it hard to get to the bathroom, can’t really hold a conversation - it’s such a cruel disease.
I don’t know what I’m asking for as it feels like this can only get worse rather than better. My life as I knew it is over and I’ll have to start picking up the pieces. I just want to scream.
Hello @Rose_meteor,
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. Sadly, many of our members have cared for their loved ones and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. I also just wanted to let you know that if you feel it would be helpful to talk on the phone, Macmillan Support Line is open until 8pm everyday. You can find out more about the support Macmillan offer to people affected by cancer and their loved ones on their website . You can call the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00.
Take good care,
Seaneen
So sorry you are going through this You will get support on here .I lost my partner last april after a long battle with lung cancer and it is heartbreaking lots of us have been in similar position so know how painfull it is .You are there for him and im sure he will know that .Glad you have some support and sending my love and support xxx
Thankyou both.
A nurse has been to the house today and thinks he may only have 2 weeks left. My heart just keeps on breaking.
So sorry .im glad the nurses are coming in we had a mackmillan nurse coming in the last few also and district nurses for any pain relief they were all very supportive hope you have other support with you because it is excausting im thinking of you cancer is so cruel xxx
Talk to him also because he will hear you .xx
Thankyou that’s a useful reminder. He doesn’t always answer so I’m not sure he does. But I’ll keep trying x
Im so sorry about your situation you need help ask for a care package i nursed my husband at end off life at home left it to late really but got carers in the last week kev was alive and district nurses came twice a day in the last week to do meds just to keep him from pain and anxiety.spend every spare minute with him talk sing hold his hand kiss him because he knows your there.
Thankyou. I think that mignt have kicked in after yesterday’s visit but just waiting for it to start. I don’t know how to tell whether I’m capable of keeping him at home until the end or if he needs to go to the hospice, or how I’ll know when to move him if that’s the right call - do you have any advice? I’m sorry you’re in a position to advise me on this, it’s not the type of experience any of us hope to have, and understand if you can’t answer but wonder if you might have some thoughts? X
We had cares twice a day to help district nurses and a macmillan nurse so were able to keep my partner at home that is where he wanted to be but everyones circumstances are different .But agree with the other lady talk to him hold his hand he will hear you tell i sat with my partner on the night of his death holding his hand for hours before he passed he knew i was there and how much i loved him hope this helps a little.xxxx
Oh my lovely! I cared for my husband at home. He had dementia. Its the hardest, but most rewarding thing ive ever done. He died at home in November and its only just hit me. I am devastated, anxious cross and so so sad. I also feel ive lost my identity as i was 24hr carer and now redundant. I feel for you. End of life care is a minefield and tough. Your love and kindness is your strength. The reality will bomb you when you least expect. Know that the love and memories are there. Do reach out. Grief is lonely, particularly when you’re living with the dying. Keep loving. Im here if you want a chat although i may cry as im in a weird universe
There are no words and my heart goes out to you. I went through end of life with my dad and it will be heartbreaking, there is no hiding from that. 
If someone, friend or relative, can stay with you during this time, consider it. Tell your partner everything you can think of as if he hears you (he probably does) and don’t let anything go unsaid, no matter insignificant or silly it might seem. Let him hear, see and experience things you think he would like to, as best you can (scents, tastes, music, people etc). Do you have help from nurses on a daily basis? If it comes to the point where he won’t be able to stay at home, both you and they will know, so don’t worry about that ahead of time. Trust your gut and do what feels right, what you need to do to have no regrets. It’s the only way to navigate, because logic doesn’t help in a situation like this. You’ll be in my thoughts. 
He died just before Christmas. No words to describe it. My whole purpose and future is scarey and unknown. I don’t even recognise myself x
Thank you sooo much x
I agree with everything Sunset has written which totally echos my experience. Care for him at home if you possibly can; get help…you need it and you deserve it but you may have to stamp your feet to get it, fight to get the commodes the hospital bed the incontinence supplies, the pain relief drugs whatever you need to make him comfortable. Don’t pressure him to eat if he can’t face it but offer little bites of things if he can and drinks. But most of all be with him, play his favourite music, hold his hand, tell him you love him. Then when it’s over , as it shockingly and inevitably will be, you will know you did everything you could. Which won’t stop it hurting worse than anything you ever imagined, but at least you won’t have guilt and what ifs.
Thankyou all for your posts.
I can’t believe that Im already adding this newest comment but my lovely, funny, gentle, wonderful Stu went to sleep yesterday. I am so so so broken. I thought we had more time together and I knew it was going to be hard but I feel like I’ve been knocked sideways.
I suppose one blessing is that his pain is over and we never had to move him out of home, which I know he would have hated. But I am devastated we couldn’t do more for him. I don’t know how to do this.
@Rose_meteor
I’m so sorry for your loss. You will cope but it will be tough.
Keep in touch in the loss of a partner section.
Sending a hug
Envelops you in the hugest of hugs for the longest time. Keep posting here, the forum and the support of people who understand can be a lifeline.
Thank you. I don’t think i can bear this. The physical pain is enormous the emotional pain i could never have imagined. I actually feel quite out of my body. The emotions are something ive never felt before. Sorry for being so self pitying, i understand others are suffering too
In my book it’s not self pitying, it’s telling it like it is. Grief knocks you sideways. Why, on top of the awful pain, should you feel obliged to pretend you are not hurting? At some point you may find you spend some of some days almost feeling normal. But no one can say how long that will take.