I am approaching the first year of losing my husband, like all of you on here I have been to hell and back. A few weeks ago, I found myself decluttering, moving furniture around and changing things thinking it was to busy myself and a distraction from the grief and empty void I feel. I haven’t been able to sleep for a long while and over the weekend I was sat on the bed and a thought popped up that maybe I needed a new bed, for some reason I checked and found the receipt for it, surprisingly it was 12yrs old. I decided it needed to be replaced so after much researching ordered a new one which was delivered today, the delivery guys took away the old one and to my horror I sobbed my eyes out as they were removing it from the bedroom. I completely broke down. What was I thinking?, 12yrs he slept next to me in that bed and now it was going. I felt a shift inside of me, like a snake shedding it’s skin, I was leaving the past behind, it felt so horribly sad but deep inside I knew all the changing etc was the old me saying goodbye to me and a new me is emerging. Such a sad feeling of acceptance that I was letting go as the acceptance is dawning that I am heading into a new life. I wanted to hold on to that bed for dear life but knew I couldn’t… anyone else have this strange awakening that we have to let go but not really wanting to? I constantly feel like I am living in 2 worlds, the past and the future…it’s like cutting an umbilical cord…heartbreaking. It’s the long goodbye, no longer our bed but my bed, no longer “our” anything. The shift to the it’s now just me is excrutiating…
I’m 9 months in and still not able to change or get rid of anything.
I struggled rearranging the house a bit so my folks could stay for couple of weeks.
Not ready to face this world alone yet but know I will have to at some point
I am at that crossroads where you feel something inside of you changing, not wanting to ever let go of them but the weight of grief and sadness forcing you into an acceptance that you have to let go in order to live in the present, that present that they are now no part of. It’s a weird feeling. It happens and you can’t stop it. Time has a way of pushing the past further and further behind us where even our memories over time fade, for example I couldn’t get the images out of my mind when he died for ages and now they are still there but have faded and that’s where the letting go occurs naturally, where I used to hear his voice as clear as a bell, it’s now difficult to recall. The longer they are gone the more they fade away and it’s just so so sad and you try so hard to hold on. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. Bizarre as it sounds I miss the raw grief and emotions of him leaving me, I guess I’m probably not making sense…
I’m petrified of forgetting and know what you mean - stuck in limbo that know you have to leave at some point, but just don’t want to because then you’re truly leaving them in the past
That’s exactly it! You have said what I was trying to say.
I am also now entering into the realm of thinking about what happens after we die…this is going to sound bizarre but although I believe there is some form of an existence after we die, I want to physically see my husband not some form of energy? Does that make sense? The not knowing is bothering me as what is the point of everything? I feel like life is just a movie and none of it is actually real…I probably need a large gin and tonic at this point lol
Do you feel like part of your history has gone too with them and floating around the ether somewhere? Can’t get it back so if you met someone else you have to start as a completely new person? One you don’t know anymore… It’s completely mind blowing
I feel exactly the same,like you i do not know anymore
I was brought up Roman Catholic, so ended atheist, or at very least agnostic
Its a pretty dismal prospect thinking that’s it, she’s gone and will never see her again 
What’s the point of life
Can’t force yourself to believe what you don’t believe - almost jealous of devout religious types that are so certain in their convictions of the afterlife
Yeah but not only history - a future that seemed so certain, has now just evaporated
I think you are a different person now - there’s a stick in the sand - life before and life after, and just will never be the same
Nobody regardless of their beliefs knows though do they? I wonder what the purpose of this life actually is and how do you continue without knowing a purpose. I’m just surviving each day but surely there has to be more? Like you the thought of not seeing my husband exactly as he was is literally soul destroying. I can’t see how it can happen anyway without being conscious and if you die that consciousness ceases anyway. I definitely need a large G&T this is what happens when we become alone, our brains go into overdrive. If my husband heard me now he would be laughing his head off. He didn’t believe in afterlife. He said when your dead that’s it, he also said when your numbers up that’s it 
No, no one knows - age old question - did God create man or man create God
Always thought the latter and also been of the opinion when your card gets drawn, it gets drawn and that’s it.
But it’s a distant intangible concept until you’re faced with it
Now you hold on to anything and hope you’re wrong
Need something a lot stronger than g & t these days
See what you think of this:
When my dad was dying in hospital there was an elderly man in the next bed called Cyril who had dementia (also end of life) and when I visited dad he asked me to help him get his slippers on to which I replied I will get a nurse to help as I didn’t want to be responsible for him falling over. The nurse came over and said “what do you need your slippers for Cyril?” He replied I am going to a funeral and she said you are in hospital Cyril so whose funeral is it? He said mine…the next night I went to see dad and no Cyril so I asked the nurse where he was and she said he died last night…
My partner had colorectal cancer and I nursed her through end of life at home.
We had a hospital bed in living room where she slept as she was too weak to get upstairs the last 3 weeks.
On the Sunday she insisted on going upstairs to sleep in our bed together - I had to help her a step at a time, but she was adamant.
The next day she went into liver failure and started end of life and I lost her that Saturday.
She hadn’t been upstairs for 3 weeks - I’ve always wondered did she know - like a sixth sense - that time had run out and she wanted to sleep in our bed one last time.
Thats exactly what my husband did … he refused for a week to go to bed and slept on couch … then night before he passed he announced he wanted to get in our bed … i think they know 
its too sad … i dont like to think about it
I believe she did, as I think we all have a sixth sense…a knowing of what is going to happen to us. I also think like animals we instinctively know when we are going to die and have a final burst of energy to do what we need to do. You should treasure that moment when you have bad days knowing her final moments were spent with you 
My husband was on life support and the night before he passed I was sat on the sofa in complete silence and my sofa started vibrating up and down, I thought I was imagining it (It’s not a recliner so no electrics going haywire) it went on for a good few minutes, I dismissed it. He passed away in the early hours and before I could get there. I know it was him saying goodbye…the bonds invisibly continue…right off to get into this new strange unfamiliar bed I have bought…
Also don’t like thinking about it - mind just wanders there
She was very stoic and kept a lot to herself - I’ve often wondered what she was really thinking
They don’t tell you do they cos theyre trying to be brave xx
We sometimes forget it is just as hard for them leaving us as it is for us living without them. Sometimes there are never the words to express the love we feel and when you are already weak and end of your life words become unimportant
Can’t fathom what it must be like facing your own mortality and knowing that the end is coming
She kept a lot from me - both physical pain and psychological
I dont think it matters what they were thinking you know … they knew we were there and they knew we loved them and at end of the day thats all that really matters … x