When we lose a loved one we become self focussed, naturally, our heartbreak, our pain, our sadness, our life smashed to pieces, our thoughts, our emotions, our future and all the million things we have to go through. A while ago I sat quietly and asked myself what if I had gone before them? I realised then that I was actually grateful “they were spared all of this” those words changed my view and I was relieved they didn’t have to suffer any of this, to think of them going through this would be devastating as I couldn’t bear them to suffer like I have so I am strangely grateful they didn’t. This is the meaning of love and sometimes a change of view can help. “They are at peace” was a saying I hated to hear at the beginning of this journey because I didn’t grasp the meaning but those words to me are now powerful because they will never experience this unwanted journey and that for me is a blessing. I am having to bear all this because I chose to love someone and with that choice there is a risk of loss of that love, we just never think it will happen
Yes, it stands to reason that when you commit to a partner, the chances are that eventually one of you will be left alone.
Of course, we don’t actually know how our partners would have coped. All I know is that the pain I have felt is agonising. I know my husband would have been better at all the practical stuff, finances and mending things. I suspect he would have found the emotional stuff very difficult. He would have had little or no support as the friends that have supported me are women, the men who have helped with jobs are my relatives. He had no family. My son would still have helped with his sister.
As many on this site have said, I would not wish this pain on anyone, let alone on the man I love. At least he has been spared that pain.
I don’t know the figures, but thousands of people die every day and most of them leave someone or several people feeling as we do now. There must be millions before us that survived and went on to have a useful and bearable life.
I wish the same for everyone here.
Sadly we never really discussed what would happen if one of us went before the other, we never thought about it and didn’t make wills either, probably naivety looking back as I guess we thought at 63 we were still too young, both fit and healthy, my husband died suddenly no symptoms, warnings anything. Had a cardiac arrest, no time to say goodbye. It was quick for him but agonising for me.
I often think of our wedding vows ‘til death do us part’ guess didn’t take that literally.
If I ever got married again it would be on my mind as not sure I could go through all this again but on the other hand don’t want to spend another possible 20 yrs on my own, I guess it’s the price we pay for love
We were both widowed when we met. My first husband had a cardiac arrest, his first wife had bowel cancer. So, we were both aware of the possibility of one of us dying before the other. Sadly, he also had a cardiac arrest, although, just like my first husband, he seemed fit and well and neither had a history of heart problems. I guess I thought that lightning wouldn’t strike twice in the same place, but it did.
Because I had a disabled daughter and a son we both had Wills. He did not have any family.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell I did wrong to deserve this a second time. Other times I think how lucky I was to have two wonderful husbands.
I survived it once, although I can’t remember how. It seems worse the second time around. Maybe grief is cumulative, or perhaps it is because I am 20 years older, and my daughter is more disabled. I tend to believe it is because the first time I was widowed my son lived at home and the house was always full. I had plenty of family members, but they have all died. This time it is just me and my daughter, with some visits from my son.
I was also used to going out on my own, driving, shopping, banking, etc. because my husband was at work.
This time was different because my second husband was here all the time. We never went out without each other and were together 24/7. He used to teach IT skills at a college and was a bit of a techno-geek, loved spreadsheets and numbers and could mend anything. I just let him get on with it while I cared for my daughter.
Now I regret that because I literally don’t know how to manage on my own.
As for meeting anyone else, I can’t see that happening. I have neither the energy or the inclination. Besides, I am too busy learning how to operate all the gadgets! Xx
I have asked myself the same questions, my wife and I have been so lucky through our life together and compared to others including recent events and I find that an almost impossible thing to say, as we got older and experienced the things that happened on the way, her dad died of cancer, her mum died of a stroke, she would say what we all do “I hope I don’t go through that” she lived to 69 without a serious days illness in her life, one little scare that proved to be nothing, the one thing that seriously worried her was being left on her own, she had quite a severe problem with her left knee due to arthritis but was adamant she was not having a replacement, too many scare stories from people who had had a bad experience.
The elephant in the room was what she would do if she was left on her own, she didn’t have a driving licence, our dream home is based in a very small, rural hamlet, its not even a village, no shops, no bus service but that didn’t matter because i would always be here! talking with my daughter after my wifes death about what if it had been me, apparently it was almost accepted that my wife would have had to move to my daughters, she knew she would not be able to stay, small house but 4 acres of very rustic land, that would have broken her heart. I can’t say I wish it were me but it gives me very little comfort if any that she went first, even tho’ her worries will never be a reality and she won’t deal with this shit, sometimes I think the human mind/brain cannot comprehend things, cannot come up with an answer that is fair, it is what it is.
I cannot imagine going through this twice, it certainly makes me think hard about it all. My husband and I were together 24/7 as well, it was me, him and our dog but I was happy and content but in hindsight I wish I had been more independent. Gosh did he know my husband, he was a techno geek too. I am clueless with gadgets, a male friend of mine gave me a firestick so I could watch the footy and I keep phoning every time I use it as haven’t a clue what I’m doing.
I have no family left alive so I have had to pull up my big girls pants fairly rapidly but found YouTube is my new best friend lol xx
I agree there isn’t an answer that is fair either way but knowing my husband I know he wouldn’t want to be the one left behind. The only time we ever mentioned the ‘D’ word in a conversation he looked at me and said I want to go first and I remember laughing saying you have no choice in the matter. God how ironic was that conversation 
I am a spiritual person and I could talk about death but he wouldn’t, no way
Haha, I would be lost without YouTube!
I have a loft full of stuff that would make Tandy, Curry’s and B & Q weep with envy. Not a clue what to do with them. Angle grinders, masonry drills, wood planes, spirit levels, etc. The Guinness World Record collection of Allen keys, and nails and screws by the kilo. A whole cupboard full of computer bits and pieces and a filing cabinet full of documents. But, can I find a screwdriver when I need one? No, I used a nail file.
I found the screwdriver collection several days later, some of them even light up when you stick them in a socket! But I have since been told by my electrician nephew that I should not do that.
I couldn’t resist telling him that was exactly the same thing I said to him when he was four years old when he pushed a bead in his ear!
That has really me made me laugh and I so relate, I bought a garden planter and new plant and shock horror there were no drainage holes in it! Did I use his drill NO, I used a Stanley knife, took me ages and my hands were red raw lol
So funny! My husband was a builder so I have a garage full of tools but have to youtube how to use any of them 
Honestly though it kills me to go in the garage. It was his workshop His jacket is hanging off a drop saw as though he has popped out, it smells of timber, which smells of him and there are bits n pieces of ongoing projects. I miss him so much and can’t wait to see him again, hopefully very soon 
It’s the ladders that kill me. I look at them and see him with a paint brush in his hand. And every coat has a bit of string and a packet of tissues, and a pound coin for the parking machine.
Exactly the same for me. Garage full of tools, spare parts, bit and bobs. Have no idea what to do with them. My husband was an electrician and keen sailor. So much stuff! I lost him 5 months ago, and thought I was doing relatively ok. But these last few weeks have been hell on earth. I miss him so much, I feel physical pain. I can’t sleep, hence typing this at midnight. I wake up with panic attacks. I’m struggling to eat and generally function like I used to. I thought I was a strong person but this is too much. I fear for my future. We had so many plans for when we eventually retired but now that’s gone, I have no idea what my future looks like. I just want to be near him again, hug him, talk to him, laugh and cry with him. We were together 37 years. I’m constantly being told give it time, it will get better. But does it? How do you cope with being so alone?
Sorry ladies I am totally the opposite, my tool kit consists of a set of screwdrivers and a hammer,I am useless at diy if anything wanted doing or repairing my wife used to hand me the phone and say ring an expert,I’ve had so many disasters.
@LynT Thank you for your words. They have made me realise that, as much as my loss is killing me, he wouldn’t have known what to do or where to start. As you say he is also at peace x
Hi Julia
I found it did give me some comfort to see things from a different angle. My husband like yours wouldn’t have coped x
Ron
I will take you off my list of possible tradesmen then 
It’s my only consolation that it’s me that’s left and not him ,I really would not want him to go through all this rubbish and he would never have coped.He could cook and clean and brilliant at diy.But the emotional stuff he would never have coped with.
Please do the bless you want carnage.
That should be unless you want carnage,bloody spellcheck
Haha! A day of carnage might cheer us up Ron lol