Only tea 1?
Didnât that add have Linda Baron in it?
Hi Everyone. I have been busy helping out with some admin and tax returns for a few friends. It has been a distraction. Still not sleeping well, but not feeling so down. A few weeks ago I put Richards photograph on my phone screen. Everytime I picked it up to unlock it, I could see his lovely face. I was getting upset and tearful, multiple times a day. I changed the screen to a picture of my grandson. I canât believe I never associated it with how sad I felt. Take care everyone xx
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I know!! Linda Bellingham, I believe. After Katie xx
I would like to share something as I think you will understand.I am sorry it is so long.
I have been struggling since the end of February, the first year marker was in early March.
It has been a long time feeling down but I am starting some movement up the rollercoaster (and then downs). So I hope that gives some hope to others who are struggling.
Things can still distress me and yesterday I had to look at where I am emotionally.
Every Wednesday I meet up with school friends.
We met up when Paul was alive. In a way itâs tiny bit of normality from my old life. Although of course when it was over I went back to the empty house, etc, it was very helpful to me.
One friend rarely comes now. Leaving three of us. It went very well until recently.
One of us has many health problems and is now in a wheelchair.
She has great support from carers, family and friends. She was ok when she used an ordinary wheelchair pushed by others.
After long resistance to therapistâsâ recommendations, she finally agreed to have an electric wheelchair. She was nervous but quickly learned to use it. She impressed us!
She soon started to resist using it. Everyone encouraged and complimented her.
No change.
It was explained that friends and family arenât young and getting older with all that brings.
She has put on a tremendous amount of weight and the local ground is very challenging when pushing a wheelchair. So it was put to her an electric wheelchair would be better for everyone.
She seems more determined not to use it and decided to rarely go out if she has to use it. She will happily go out if pushed in the old one.
The wheelchair suppliers come out at intervals to see how she is getting on and recently told her she will lose the chair if she doesnât use it.
I think she believes if she uses the electric one then people will not visit her so often. Increased independence was one of the reasons therapists recommended it. Idonât think she wants independence, a friend said that ages ago
I donât think she is depressed. I think her mindset has changed.
Sheâs always been passive and I think itâs developed into a belief she is incapable of doing anything and others must look after her.
She does little for herself and expects others to do housework, shopping, etc, that she could do.
Her sister, 75, who also has a lot on her plate, travels 40-50 miles each way by bus to visit every week and is now finding it stressful. This mindset, not the electric wheelchair, is affecting others.
On Wednesday we turned up and sheâd decided she wasnât going out. My friend and I were looking forward to going out but she did her quite regular tactic, not cancelling her lunchtime carer. She never tell us beforehand we only find out when we suggest going out.
My other friend made the tea washed a couple cat bowls and I fed the cat.
Tasks she can do but if we hadnât there wouldnât have been any tea and a hungry cat.
Iâve really been struggling and the weekly meeting has turned into a carersâ visit.
That probably sounds heartless and uncaring.I truly feel for her and am so sad for her as her thinking has changed and impacted her life. However professionals, family and friends can only do so much. We are trying so hard to support her but she has to help herself.
I am really struggling and this change to our cuppa tea and chat meetings isnât helping.
So I told my other visitor friend that I was concerned about the other friends mindset.
I said this Wednesday I would wait at a very local cafes we have used in the past.
I am afraid I got an answer that started with what read as a lecture that sorting out her attitude was the business of others.
She did end by saying it was a good plan for Wednesday.
I am afraid that was too much and brought tears.
So I explained. She said she was sorry and asked me not to leave her to deal with the friend by herself.
I am finding this difficult but I have decided to put myself first.
I have said I will try to be at the cafe waiting and if she wonât come out in the wheelchair thatâs her decision.
I will not go to the flat.
I feel awful as the friend has been so very good to me. She came home with me, in the police car, after Paul died. I hate letting her down but she has her husband and many friends and a supportive brother.
Thank you for letting me share xxxx
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Linda I feel for you but I think you are doing the right thing. Grief is really hard to deal with and you need to do whatâs right for you. You have been there but she clearly has a mindset that wants others to do stuff for her. Perhaps if people were like you she would have to do things for herself. Itâs hard but be kind to yourself
Siobhan 
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I wanted to meet my friends for lunch but had to prioritise my health. I read that withdrawing from mirtizapine can cause headaches and flu like symptoms but I think I have a cold on top of that too. Feeling a little better but will still take it easy.
I find it hard looking after myself because I helped look after drew for so long, which I loved.
Siobhan
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It is very difficult at times to do the best things for ourselvesâŚ
It can feel strange, maybe indulgent and selfish.
Obviously, this is something we will have to learn to develop in our ânewâ lives.
Thank for reading my post, caring and replying.
Love and hugs xxxx
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Yes. Bellingham not Baron
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I must admit I am probably guilty of getting people to do things I can do except on the days my arthritis is exceptionally bad. If there is no one there though they do still get done. E.g if for some reason my carers canât make it for lunch or dinner I still feed myself and take the dirty dishes out to the sink. I will manage to put the washing in and move it to the airers if I really need to.
So if left and no one came to feed her would she just sit and go hungry?
I donât think anyone can change your friends mind set. Only she can do that. You need to look after you.
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Thank you Sandra.
I really appreciate you reading my long post and replying.
I thought those in our group would care and understand.
I agree she is the only one who can turn this round.
Xx
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Oops, just looked it up. I got it wrong. She did the adverts for OXO
No, you need to prioritise yourself. I could understand it if this friend was alone, and suffered anxiety at the thought of going out, but it sounds like she has a lot of support which she is deliberately ignoring. You can take a horse to water but you canât make it drink. Youâve got enough on your plate at the moment, so stick to your plan. xx
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Thank you so much for understanding and supporting me in my decision.
It wasnât easy as I really care about here and try to help people.
As you say, nobody can force her to do what is best for everyone including herself xx
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Hi had read through the posts, linda you are doing the right thing, you need to look after you. I am eith my family at the house our daughter rented for the weekend 7 of us. The house is huge with a sauna and
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Gorgeous, and it looks like a lovely view from the window.
Linda, I think you are completely right, youâve been struggling for some time and you need to look after your own wellbeing. I havenât posted much recently though I read comments everyday. Thought I was coping but today not. Iâm getting obsessed with the past and how much we were in love. I have to stop it. Not doing me any good. But you have made right decision with your friend. You need support not other way round. Take care Linda 2 xxxx
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Wow! It looks like it also has a great view Enjoy xx
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Thank you for reading my post and supporting my decision.
It means so much to me xx
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