It’s almost that time of year when I pull out the decorations and create a Christmas wonderland. My husband loved Christmas, he loved collecting Santas. We have dozen that we put all around the house…we would make a trip to the range just to buy new Santas. I love Christmas, the lights and festive things all over make it a great time of year, but this year I will be without him. I don’t know if I can decorate the house, I don’t know if I can celebrate it, cook a special meal. Half of me wants to put up the decorations and the other half hates the idea…I still have the gift he got me last year(a yarn advent calendar) I can’t bear to open it and do the projects.
I really don’t know what to do. I hate that he’s gone and left me alone. He has it easy, just sits in his jar(urn) while my life feel like it’s over. I was even thinking of suicide at one point, but our son and the 2 savannah cats he bought me grounded me.
I’m sorry for rambling, I just feel like I could look up and he’s watching Benidorm yet again. Telling me he loves me so much that the word love doesn’t even cover how he feels.
And I still have no idea what I should do.
I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to conform with what we should be doing and what we have always done but our world as we once knew it is no longer and therefore everything we once knew and experienced is now different. We are different. Grief is a time to rebuild our strength both physically and mentally, to look after ourselves and to take things slowly and steadily and move through and with the grief. We cannot plan how we will feel from one day to the next. Instead of looking for the answer as to what to do now, give yourself time to be in the present. Christmas can be a lonely time when you have lost a loved one and all the decorations in the world will not hide the empty seat at the table. It is just filling the edges around the loss.
I will be totally alone as I have no family but I’m ok with that because I don’t have to mask the fact I am alone and I will do my best to embrace it and have no distractions and can share the time to remember my loved ones in my time and my emotions whatever they will be
I totally understand about Christmas. My husband would put tree up, decorated living room. He really enjoyed it. Going to garden centre to see all decorations, going to the range. I wasnt so keen but went along with it. Now i cannot do it. This home will never have Christmas decorations up again. I can’t do it. I am heartbroken already, this would make me even worse. I just want it to pass and start a new year. I feel numb even after 5 months without him.
My goodness. It’s as if I wrote your letter. I am exactly the same, even the five month period.
We loved Christmas together just the two of us, we only ever needed each other.
We used to go mad with decorations, now I don’t even want to acknowledge Christmas, and feel angry with the shops putting up their Christmas stuff. I fast forward through all Christmas adverts on TV.
I am broken and empty.
I know how you feel. I feel so angry. And the fact that he passed near Christmas makes things even worse. I just want to shout at him for leaving me. We only had 10 years but as he was retired and I worked from home we were always together. Now like you just seeing the adverts makes me feel sick. If it was only me I wouldn’t bother, but we have a son,grown up, but I can’t get him to tell me what he thinks about Christmas.
I call 2023 the year from hell. I lost my husband, my home(council kicked us out after he died), and the closeness of my best friend. We were forced to move a long way from home. My boss asks how I’m doing and I tell her awful because of all that’s happened and I get well ‘we can’t help that, so why did you bring it up?’
6 weeks and this horrible period is gone for another year. I just wish I could magic it away.
I would do the tree, he would garlands on every picture. I can’t bear to go to the range I would be a total mess.
Same sooner xmas is over the better no tree here this year im dreading it i feel ill thinking about it 
x
I was on Christmas and New Year on my own before, but my Mum and friends called and I received cards and presents. And I was ok. This Christmas will be completely different. My Philmore loved the Christmas time. He was always so excited about the Christmas dinner at work and the Christmas tree and lights at home. He cooked the turkey and all the trimmings and I was responsible for the decorations. Philmore always told me not to bother about presents and cards and I told him always don’t worry you are not getting anything - which of course was a big fat lie. He was so excited about his card and presents. Last Christmas I bought a new tree with new lights and he loved the tree and lights so much that he did not want that I took it down. Maybe he knew that it would be our last Christmas together? This Christmas I will hang up the Christmas wreath outside as I have done this before but that is it. No tree or other decorations but I will write cards. My Philmore loved Christmas carols so much that two of his favourite carols were played at his funeral. I will try to avoid Christmas songs and also Christmas adverts. Might my German friends call me? I will be on my own but that is ok. I bought already a few DVDs and books to read. I will be all right. Sending love and hugs.
@noisii So, I’m new to this forum. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on 3rd January this year so like many people here this will be my first Christmas alone. I thought I’d share the decisions (which are in flux) I’ve made so far. I’ve been invited to share Christmas day with 3 families. I’ve said yes to one of them on the basis that I might change my mind on the day or may not stay for long. I’ve decided to ask the others if I can visit on other days. I decided I’d like to put up decorations - because so many of our tree decorations hold wonderful memories I don’t want to be without (not just of Brian but my parents and friends). And Brian loved the tree more than anything (well, apart from the cake - which I baked this year for nobody to eat!). I think everyone should simply do what they feel comfortable with but give themselves the right to change their mind without feeling any guilt - and change it again if they feel it’s right. The thing I don’t want to do is write cards, but I’m sure I’ll manage to somehow even if some are dotted with tear stains. It’s just going to be what it is. It’s so close to the anniversary of his death too that I somehow don’t want a drab house to move through Christmas in. I am truly dreading 3 January and will no doubt have the decorations down by then - while Christmas was my focus for the last couple of months, it’s now moved forward by a few days into January and I become anxious every time I even think about that day and what happened. Having no idea what to do is no bad thing. Just move forward one day at a time and do whatever feels right - if that means beans on toast for Christmas lunch, so be it! Who says that’s wrong?
I woke up next to Bob at 04:05 on New Year’s Eve. He was grey. That memory will haunt me forever. Along with the doctor coming down and giving me his condolences. I thought he would tell me it was a mistake, he was ok.
My husband loved Christmas. We did loads of decorations. Think it will be an understated xmas. If I don’t do anything I feel I will be letting him down. Just need to get the balance right. Xx
I won’t be celebrating Christmas this year. Last year I was in shock and numb. My husband suddenly and unexpectedly died a week before Christmas. He was 53 years old. I had wrapped up his presents and gave him his card previously. I found my presents unwrapped in the back room with my Christmas card unwritten. My son doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas either as my husband first anniversary of him going which is going to be so hard. Such a horrible journey that we are all on. Xx
Like most people i will be on my own for Christmas. My choice we spent last Christmas and New Year in Australia visiting our daughter son in law grandchildren and my son in laws family.
This year i couldnt do family Christmas abroad. Usually we spent it just the two of us at home. The trip last year was 3 months away little did we know 3 months later he would be taken away.
Life is short and i cant plan too far ahead now but Christmas and New Year i will spend time remembering last year’s on my own.
Take care
Lynne x
I’m the same as you, dreading Christmas my husband also died 3 January suddenly, our wedding anniversary is or was Christmas Eve how I am supposed to to get through this I really have no idea, my daughter wants me to be with her and her family for Christmas Day which I said I will go but all I will see is the empty chair the life and soul of my world is missing, the one that loved to do the after dinner games and quizzes it’s going to be lots of emotions and tears 
Same. Dreading Christmas and the New Year. My gorgeous Christine died 6th January 2022. Our wedding anniversary is Christmas Eve as well.
We would always spend Christmas on our own; just us and the two cats. We were very happy and content. We would have a little Christmas tree in the bedroom with fairy lights draped around.
All it is now is terribly upsetting. A reminder of what is lost. I don’t need any additional reminders, I really don’t.
Best wishes.
Like everyone on here the dread of Christmas is increasing every day. It was a big event for us in the past. Going all out with decorations etc inside and out. Because I have grandchildren I feel I can’t not do anything. They would be so disappointed (and probably so would my husband). So I have decided this year to only do a Christmas tree. Not our usual one filled with all the memories of 35 years of marriage but a new one and new baubles etc. I will spend Christmas day and Boxing day with my daughter and family. But the anxiety around the whole festive season is building and I keep trying to tell myself it’s just like any another day. The thing I’m struggling with the most is waking up on Christmas day alone. In 56 years I have never done that. Sending hugs to everyone going through this.
Hi @Jan17
Moring hope you managed some sleep.
I will be spending christmas alone this year but will start a new trend of lighting a candle on the day.
We never used to have Christmas tree as only the 2 of us together at that time
We had a large bonsai in the house which died is only a twig but we put baubles and tinsel on. I wil start a new tradition of a new Christmas bauble on it each year to remember him.
I guess what else can we do but keep memories. After all it really is just another day. We gave more special days when we met anniversary 
birthdays.
Take care have a good Friday x
I like the idea of lighting a candle Christmas Day. I think I will skip over the Christmas festivities and not think too much about New Year’s Eve. I really just wish the year from hell ends with a whisper rather than a bang. I really can’t take anymore loss. I hope you all can find some peace on the days ahead. The rest of my life without my bossy Brit seems too daunting and I really don’t like that he’s no longer calling me a silly female or that he loves me more than he can put into words.
@Galaxy75. Morning Lynne. I hope you are feeling better? I feel for you and hope Christmas goes as well as it can for you on your own. I think you have the right idea about changing things up a little this year. Creating new traditions while holding our memories dear. I might feel different after this first Christmas without my husband but I know I can’t face doing Christmas the way we used to this year.
Same here Jan and Galaxy but as my children want me to be with them I have no choice I know it’s also going to be so hard for my daughter as she dotted on her dad he would want us to all be happy I know that but seeing him missing especially round the dinner table and wearing a funny Christmas hat breaks my heart 
one thing I will say I’ll be thinking of you all and hoping you all have peace and healing x