Christmas so painful

I just want to say that I am feeling for all the people like me who have lost a loved one this year and are struggling to cope with Christmas. I lost my darling husband earlier this year, not sure how I have got through the last months. We were everything to each other and my life is now meaningless. People keep telling me it will get better with time. Well let me tell you it doesn’t. I miss him every single day and still cry my eyes out each day, obviously when I am alone, to my family, when they ask, I say I am ok. What else can I say ? They do not want to be absorbed into my never ending grief. This Christmas has been so hard to get through. Not sure I can do this anymore, just want the never ending pain and grief to end. Thinking of you all who are struggling after the loss of a loved one.

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I know and understand your deep and overwhelming grief. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago. It was sudden and a total shock. He was ill for only 4 weeks. We too meant the world to each other and I don’t know how I have got through these last few days. Don’t be hard on yourself and think that you have to spare others feelings by saying you’re ok. You’re not ok just like I’m not ok neither are the rest of us who chat on this group ok. Cry as much as you need to and like me take one day at a time. It’s all we can do at the moment. This time of year is so lonely and painful. I’m lost, lonely and so very, very sad and that’s ok. Keep in touch. Others will reply. You really are not alone.


Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s absolute hell, isn’t it? I lost my husband 18 months ago and like you I find myself hiding my grief from others. We really do become the most amazing actors. I’m fortunate in that I do have a couple of very close friends who I can talk candidly to and whilst they can laugh with me they can also cry with me.

Losing my darling husband tore my world apart and I wonder how I have got this far without him. I know I will grieve for the rest of my life but truly it does get less painful. The pain of his loss will never diminish but I do now have days when it’s less like a knife twisting in my gut. I can’t say it gets easier because it doesn’t, that’s not the way to describe it, but we do get better at handling it and living with our loss. I think I have accepted that I will grieve forever and I try to live my life around my grief. 18 months on and I can smile again, laugh again, sing again, but always with a sadness in my heart. I can and do still cry also.

I notice that even amongst your heart wrenching pain and grief, you are still able to think of others, as in your last sentence. You are stronger than you think and obviously a very caring person. What a lucky man your husband was to spend his life with you.

Like you I had a marriage filled with love and laughter so we owe it to our wonderful men to do this, to see this thing through. I accept I can never know pure joy again but I can live my life, I have to, I have no choice. I am also sitting here feeling quite smug knowing that I had the most amazing love any human being could have from the rarest soul that ever lived. Not everybody gets to say that!

Sending love xx

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Thank you to those of you who replied, your kind words are overwhelming. The support you show is so kind. I don’t want to wallow in selfish grief and I try not to let my family know that I am struggling to get through each day. Like you, my husband passed away three weeks after his diagnosis, thankfully he did not suffer any pain just slipped away three days after going into hospital. Our daughter son in law and granddaughter live in the south west and after I lost my husband I sold our family home to be near them. A wise friend adviced me that I was doing everything too quickly and needed time to grieve and adjust but I did not heed her advice. I thought being near family and away from the home that had so many wonderful but painful memories would help me. I have bought a small cottage that has been beset with problems which I have found so difficult to cope with. I am trying to be strong for my husband so that I do not let him down but I am struggling to get through each day, yes I am writing this at 3 50am as sleep only comes when I am exhausted after crying myself to sleep then three hours later awake again. Reading this back, I sound pathetic and I get so cross with myself, I used to think I was a strong person obviously only strong with my wonderful husband by my side. Each day is met with ‘ how can I get through another day ?’ Shower, strong cup of tea and put my mask on pretend everything is ok. I don’t want to be like this, I want to relive all the wonderful times we had and the love we shared but at the moment, I can’t the memories just reinforce what I have lost. How do you find peace and be able to look back with happiness and not this overwhelming pain ? I don’t expect to ever find happiness or contentment again and I can live with that but just to be able to cope day to day and get through a 24 hour period without crying and finally have some sleep. If anyone has found a coping mechanism I would love some tips. Thank you again all of you for your support

Hello, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s just a nightmare isn’t it. I think what you are asking and looking for comes with time. You can’t get there quickly or painlessly. The grieving we do each day is part of this journey we have been sent on and we can’t get there quickly or by a different route. The level of pain you feel is also a measure of the love you felt for your husband. I lost my son in July and my heart is just broken. He was the most amazing young man and so many have been devestated by his death. But in the middle of my pain I also tell myself wasn’t I so lucky to have been his mum. There will come a time when you won’t cry all day every day I promise. You will smile now and again. But there’s no cure either. We will live with this pain for the rest of our lives. Keep talking about your husband, don’t keep all to yourself. Love to you x

Hello to you all. My husband died 2 weeks ago, we’d been married for 42 years. Although he’d been in and out of hospital a lot over the last couple of years it was still so unexpected and such a shock. My family live thousands of miles away and this Christmas has been awful. I wanted to shut myself away until it was all over and apart from a couple of hours on Christmas day that is what I did.
For the last couple of weeks it’s seemed like I’ve had a revolving front door with people I haven’t seen for years turning up, all of whom will disappear into the woodwork again apart from a handful of true friends.
I know I’m sounding resentful but where were these people when I’ve needed support over the last couple of years and I’m hating how they all ask about every last detail about what happened.
I’m coping with practical things OK, it’s other things I’m sitting here thinking about. How long do I leave the Sympathy cards on display, should I sort out my Husbands personal things. I know there’s no right or wrong way.
For the last few days the phone isn’t ringing and there have been no visitors. I’d been feeling really calm during the ‘business’ but now I just feel absolutely worn out and finding it an effort to do anything but it’s all so raw.
Thank you for reading/listening to my ramblings. Love to all you who are in same place x

Oh the sympathy cards! So difficult to take down. After my mum died I just couldn’t take them down and they stayed up for months. So with my husband I never put them up at all. I put them all in a box and that’s where they’ve stayed. That was 18 months ago and it was only a few weeks ago that I plucked up the courage to read them all.

You must do what you feel is right for you, with your husband’s personal things too. You’ll know when it’s time and bear in mind that it might never be time but that’s ok.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in this place but this site will show you that you’re not alone.

My love goes out to you xx

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I am truly sorry for your loss. My husband,Tim, died nearly 4 weeks ago just 6 weeks after diagnosis.

He was a strong, gentle, funny, sexy, handsome man and the most selfless person I ever met. Every day spent with him was filled with love and laughter. I am so honoured and privelidged that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. We are as one and forever will be.

It’s a long slow painful journey that we are travelling on but thankfully we have each other to help us on our way.

Thank you Kate x

Thank you for your kind words. I hope we all feel stronger with each others help…

Hello I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I understand all the emotions you’re feeling as I have felt the same. People are there one minute and gone the next. It’s difficult to reach out to those who have said ‘Call me if you need anything’ or ‘If there’s anything I can do’. How do I do that? I know what I want and that’s my husband back but they can’t give me that. I feel I just want to scream till this lonely helpless feeling goes away but I know it won’t. People say how affected they are by my loss but their lives will continue as normal. Mine will never be the same again. The sympathy cards are down but all his belongings are in the same place. I’m still trying to get on with painting my house so that I can sell it. I have no happy memories here. Just the few days Gerald was out of hospital, not well enough to get up the stairs. I hate being here. I don’t have a home just a house that can’t offer comfort through happy times we would have spent here. Loosing Gerald felt like the worst thing that could happen to me but today living life without him is beyond words. Today is a bad day but being able to write helps as I know there are those of you out there going through it and will understand.

Hi Daphne
I’m so sad to read your message and can feel the pain you are going through. I understand how you will want to be rid of the house that should have been a happy place but is now full of unhappiness. It takes considerable strength to contemplate moving so soon after losing your husband, I hope you have some support in this.
My husband died five months ago we had lived in this house for 2 years , our previous for 34. There are some good memories but I can only see the recent bad ones with him being so sick, he was diagnosed 53 days before dying and spent his last two weeks in hospice.
The house is just so empty now and I hate being on my own here. I think I will move but don’t have the emotional energy to tackle that yet and still feel unable to think clearly about the big decisions.
I’ve lost the spark that I had that made me get on and do things and I spend hours just sitting . I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling sad and unhappy like this but can’t see how it will be any different in the future. Like you I just want my husband back.
I think I’ve also come to the point where I can’t really tell people how I’m still feeling, even those family close to me, as I don’t want to burden them any longer and be worried about me they have to live their lives.
At the moment I can’t see a way forward.
I hope you find the strength you need to make your change and find yourself in a happier place

Thank you for your support. I think we find strength we didn’t know we had. I feel that if I focus on moving I don’t have to think about anything else. I’m like you, I can sit and do nothing and that is just not me. My husband believed you have to have a purpose to get up in the morning and he lived by that, now I feel I need to do the same so that I don’t let him down. Time will help us, that’s what we have to hang on to. Be kind to yourself and keep talking about how you feel I’m sure it helps xx

Hi Sadone, I just want to say how much I identify with your pain. My lovely husband died 5months ago and it feels worse now than immediately afterwards. Like you, people say to me call me if I can do anything etc etc but I just want Peter back. I got through most of Christmas day but eventually my children left and as the electricity had gone I sat alone in a dark house for 3 hours until the electricity boàrd men came (reading my kindle which had a small light) . I have spent today alone and I have been so weepy and low… l know we have no alternative but I hate living alone, and in fact if I am honest, currently I hate living. Luv Toria

Thanks for your response. The irony is that when my husband was alive ,(pre becoming ill) he was always telling me to sit down and I never did because I hated just sitting and always wanted to be ‘doing’ similarly I would always have at least one purpose to my day that I wanted to achieve but now I just can’t get that motivation that sends the signal to my brain to impel me. I keep hoping the next day part of the old me will return and I’ll be able to move forward a little.

I lost my wife in July after 50yrs of happiness together. I think of her all the time; life is really hard right now, and you’re right about the right meaning comments of “things will get better”. But I have found that by taking a short holiday with my son to give myself a break, from all the memories that surround me at home, did help. Speaking to people who are just getting on with their lives, and who were not aware of what was going on inside my head, did give me hope that there is probably a light at the end of the tunnel, somewhere? This what we are going through, I guess, is a part of life, the worst part ever I know! The penalty we pay for having happiest marriages. But how lucky we were to have that! I know I’m not very good at saying the right things, but at least you know there is another person out there who is going through the same thing. I wish you well. Neil.

Hi Toria, my heart goes out to you it really does. Looking back I think I also was doing better say two months after he died. I thought I need to look after myself, that’s what everyone told me and I knew he would want me so I tried to be positive but that feeling has gone now and I’m definitely in a worse place. I’m tired of myself, tired of crying , tired of the lonliness,. In the early days I just cried out for someone to rescue me but I knew then as now that the only one that can rescue me is myself.
I do feel relief when I’m with other people as I hope you do but it’s when I turn the key in the door of an empty, silent house that the despair surrounds again.
I hope somehow we and others like us can rediscover some meaning in our lives that will bring us some joy and that you have a better day tomorrow xx

I lost my partner 6 weeks ago and am in a state of total devastation. We had 5 children between us, all adults, who have all been amazing. I try to be strong as we are all grieving but I feel like I’m breaking in two. I don’t know what to do, I’m struggling just to go out alone, I’m struggling to even see myself returning to work but know I have to. We spent the last 6 years making our house a home, everywhere I turn there’s memories of us working together, I struggle to find comfort right now as all I feel is pain. I don’t want to think about moving anything of his but it’s so difficult seeing it.
I struggle more going upstairs, upstairs was our sanctuary away from the hustle and bustle, we still have 3 kids @ home, but I’m struggling so much to even sleep upstairs, falling asleep downstairs most evenings. When does it stop hurting???

I went to stay with oldest grandson for a couple of days, my expat son-in-law, daughter and granddaughter were there too, having driven me there and back. (I am too anxious to drive in London, though I was able to contribute by navigating.)
My 24/7 canine pals were welcome there too, and there was much love, tinged with sorrow, thoughtfulness, togetherness and mutual understanding.

A regret is that I had to miss visiting Eileen’s grave for a day - Christmas Day - having visited her and tended it every other day since she was laid to rest.

Hi Jayne, I know what you are going through. How I’m coping is visiting friends and going to community coffee mornings etc., just to give me short breaks from the memories surrounding me a home. I’m leaving the house just as it was when my dear Betty was here - No rush to move anything. Then when I’m ready, each now and again I find the urge to just move a few of her bits and pieces, which I do bringing back our memories as I do so. Very sad, but also happy thoughts.
what I’ve found is, not to rush anything, and to do just a little bit at a time. I’ve also taken photos in case I want to refer back in the future. I hope this helps you a little. Look after yourself - Neil.