Gosh…..I am so grateful for you all sharing the experience of a sudden loss. Somehow , and I can’t explain why, it’s given me a bit of something …I genuinely think we must have ptsd…..I can’t get the horrendous scene from playing again and again. Thank you x
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It was a nightmare and the flash backs are horrendous, its traumatic to go through .
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Babycakes, Steve123,
I also had to do cpr, before the ambulance arrived. I was already on the phone to them. Sue had just had her first chemotherapy session, and was breathing hard. They got her to hospital, but her heart had stopped at least twice, and it was only the machines keeping it going. With the cancer and everything. I had to tell them to turn off the machines. I think they had already made up their minds. I think she went ahead at home. So I still have flashbacks and feel guilty.
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Oh my gosh so many flashbacks, it’s haunting 
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It is such a guilty feeling , and something I will live with forever, its such a lonely and quiet life now on my own, i dont like it at all, mornings hit hard after the bit of sleep I get and it hits you again.
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The flash backs appear all the time and I also think if I had done this or that may be she would be here.
It goes round and round in my head repeating the same cycle I have to go and do something else to stop it.
But I tried and did my best I know in reality she went at that moment and there was no coming back
The paramedics tried with there automatic shock machine every few minuets it stopped and said no shock available this went on for 40 min and then the said she had passed I knew that long before they said.
Then I was left with my wife on the floor a the wait for the police and the questions, then the wait for the undertakers. And the wait for the pm.
Unbelievable, crap and very very sad and heart breaking no wonder it always plays on my mind, and always will.
This is what so so many people have to suffer.
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I went through the exact same thing, it is horrendous and something you will never forget, and all the questions and explaining what happened will live with me forever, do you think life will ever get easier because I see no light at all.
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We were on holiday with the dogs and my mum……he always drove us. Me and mum had to pack all the stuff from the holiday let and somehow I drove 2hrs home the next day in his car. Getting home was unreal…everything….him dying in front of me and the dogs……all the emergency services…..I still cannot comprehend what,why,how…..loops round …the sight of him….
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I woke up to my husband making loud noises next to me, it was 6 ish in the morning, I got up to see what was happening and ge just laid there, it was horrible doing cpr till the ambulance got here, he wasn’t ill at all, we had so many plans we were looking forward to and now I have to live with the flash backs of seeing him take his last breath, its terrible.
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Babycake/Thelace
Not sure how long we will suffer. Perhaps for life the pain we now suffer is the price we have to pay for the love we had.
It may get easier over the years we will just have to wait and see.
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Too All
A nice verse it to me said it all and may help with you struggles
Love Came First by Donna Ashworth it helped me understand a bit better
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I’ve 2 of hers. Wild Hope and Growing Brave. Charlie Mackesy ones are lovely.
Oh how horrific! My husband, too, had no warning signs, all normal, we’d booked a holiday later in the year.
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At this moment in time I can’t see it getting any easier, nothing will change, i can’t imagine what will happen.
Its horrible, its such a shock when there was no warning signs, you are not prepared for what you are going through.
Same here sitting in garden together in the sun, having just come back from Sorrento.
She said I am going in to watch TV two steps later collapsed and I think she died on the spot.
For me the only thing I can say she didn’t suffer and was not in pain. Unfortunately I am the one left to suffer it was always me to go first but It didn’t go the way I planned.
We were just at the stage to retire early and enjoy our money with lots of overseas holidays and spend time in our static caravan.
Life is shit and death even worse
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I know what you mean. Your relationship was one of a partner, a team, truly your “better half”. Once you have something like that, it is so difficult to find any sense of normal again! Christmas is so hard. We had so many traditions that I just cannot bear to do, now or maybe never again.
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I relate. My husband was 8 years younger than me. I always thought I would go first. We retired last May. He took retirement early because we knew of people who delayed, and once retired, died within months. We wanted to spend our hard earned savings. Our kids are very self-sufficient and not depending on our retirement money for sn inheritence.
We loved to travel. We spent 2-weeks in july, in Italy traveling around. In October we flew from our home in California to Spain, boarded a cruise ship for a back to back 25-day cruise around the Mediterranean. My 62 year old husband was having the time of his life until 5 days before we were scheduled to disembark in New York. He fell deathly ill, he died within days of being in Intensive care at one of the best hospitals in the US from sepsis.
I am still in shock.
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My husband always said he wanted to straight away so he didn’t know and thats exactly how he did, he didn’t suffer or any pain, but it was just too early , we had so many plans going abroad enjoying the sun, like you said we also loved sitting in the garden, having an evening drink, he worked so hard to make our garden lovely snd a place to relax and now its just me on my own, I can’t do this on my own 
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Totally agree, my husband absolutely loved Christmas, he would start nagging to put the tree up from the end of October, this year there’s no tree, no cards being sent, I just want it to come and go, My son and daughter in law, and another friend have invited me to lunch but I just can’t go, all I want to do is shut the world out, lock my front door and stay home with my dogs.
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