Christmas

Hello I have not been on here for a while.
I lost my Wife just over 3 months ago to Metastatic breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later to the liver age 51.
The closer we het to Christmas the harder it gets I see every body happy & putting there decorations up my Darling wife loved putting Christmas decorations up bit I do not want to this year.
We have a 14 year old Daughter who is grieving in her own way.
But the pain sadness & loneliness has hit me like a steam train.
We Miss my wife & Daughters mum so much I just wish heaven had a staircase so we could visit her. :broken_heart::cry:

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My goodness. This has really hit a nerve. I think Christmas is so difficult. I love Christmas but this year after losing my husband in October to metastatic cancer I wound be happy to just ignore it. But I have 3 children. Youngest is 16. My older daughter today helped me put up the tree but so many decorations he bought me and every one brought memories flooding back and I cried. Its too early for me to remember those memories without pain. I feel that the expectation is that we should try and I have but it’s a trial and I’ll be glad when it’s over. Same as every day. I miss him so much. For me everyone else is with their partners and loved ones and it just makes me feel even more alone. I’m so sorry for your and your daughters loss xx

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I am so sorry for your loss.
You lossing your husband to Metastatic cancer & me lossing my wife to metastatic cancer.
I have resisted putting a tree up so far but I know my Daughter would like me to put 1 up & I will like you be glad when 2020 if over as I also lost my Dad 12 hours after my wife passed away.
I agree with you about seeing people & friends that are couples I hope I dont sound awful but it makes be sad as I dont have my wife anymore only in my heart & mind & the other people are so happy & my Daughter & myself are struggling.
I get people try to avoid me or not contact me as they just dont know what to say.
Take care xx

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I sobbed reading each of those posts. My story is exactly the same. Lost my husband in October to cancer. Such a cruel disease. My daughter of 18 is struggling so badly this weekend too. My heart is breaking for her so much. We were planning on putting the Christmas bits up tomorrow. I’m dreading it and if it wasn’t for the kids I wouldn’t bother. My husband wouldn’t want that. We always did things like that together as a family and enjoyed it.
It is hard being with couples at times but I’m finding being with certain people really hard. Some people say things that are horrible and I find offensive. Someone close to me (or at least I thought they were) said that my grief is not as bad as when they lost their partner because we had only been together 25 years and they were together for over 60. Not helpful in the slightest. Unless I’m just being over sensitive.
Today has been one of my worst days. I’ve not stopped crying all day. Sending love to you all and hope our suffering, and our kids suffering, eases soon x

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Dear Nikki & Geoff I don’t think people know what to say. My husband was 65. My 50th birthday was 2 days after he died. We only got married in March and were together 4 and a half years. People do seem to judge. They don’t understand for me he was my soul mate. I’d waited so long to find that perfect someone for me and he was it. Time is irrelevant and when you have less I don’t know…I feel cheated. A lot of people say the wrong things and I’m guilty of avoiding them. I know they’re trying to help but they don’t understand how one wrong word can destroy that very fragile veneer of trying to be strong. Its all so close to the surface. I stood in Tesco today and cried over mac n cheese. Because he loved it . Suffering is the right word. Every minute. Every day. And you try so hard to carry on for them and for your kids. Sending you both hugs xxx💔

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I am so sorry it does not matter if you have been together 1 year 2 years everyone deals with grief in there own way & you are not being over sensative at all they should not be comparing there grief to yours if they have been through grief they should be supporting you.
I lost my wife in July & part of me died that day as well people say time is a healer but we all want our partners here with us & I would as we all would do anything to bring them back healthy to be with us.
I get better days never good days & I get terrible days Cancer is a cruel disease & it is about time they found a cure for it.
Take care & thank you xx

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I just dont understand why someone would say that x I have been with my partner 5 years and only married 10.5 weeks when he passed at the beginning of November. My facets of grief are different as are.yours x i feel.cheated, my own life journey, I was on my own for.18 years and didn’t feel the need to be I a relationship, then we met and I learnt that being in a relationship was wonderful x I am now grieving foe that.loss as well as losing him x It does not matter how long…
Life is tits up, the life we knew is tits up x gosh gosh gosh
On the other hand, not having lost a partner before, I’m not sure I really understood the facets of grief and the differences … no two cases are the same, death happens in many different ways, the speed, the drawn out cancer journeys, the shocks, the chaos … all so different … if only every friend and acquaintance could be reminded of this before they say something like that x Be tolerant, be forgiving as human nature is this way x x

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If I can give anybody any advice it is not to bottle it up talk about it I allways talk to friends & family people that will listen to me they may not understand what we are going through but I dont know if you have thought about getting counselling at all.
I am so sorry for you loss
Take care of your self x

To all above it’s so difficult especially around occasions normal days are bad enough my children are 27 and 26 have a granddaughter age 2 I’m not looking forward to Christmas when I think about it I can’t breathe but my husband was like a child over the Christmas period and our home always looked like a grotto 6ft singing Santa which he loved and sang with it. Always full of the joys eating all the chocolates before Christmas ha. I had to hide some so I will decorate the house because I know he would go mad if I didn’t. Just the thoughts go around and around in your head how different it will be. Sending you all hugs

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I’m having no decorations this year, no presents. i already had a card which I’m afraid i chucked away. I’m trying to avoid Christmas as much as possible as it was something we really looked forward to and cherished together, by far our favourite time of year being cosy together and my husband was really keen on electric light displays all around and in our house and garden… Every time I see a decoration or hear an advert on TV it’s like another punch in the gut.

So yes I’m with you.

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It is such a bitter truth that the happiest memories can make you weep the most. Christmas was my partner’s favourite festival too, he always cooked us a wonderful roasted dinner every year, and the anticipation and surprise of presents… I may just light a white candle for him this year.

The thought of spending Christmas and New Year alone is indeed dreadful… I feel for all of you.

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I see all the people putting there Decorations up & it sends me back to when my Darling wife put all the lights around the window.
What a lovely idea about the candel I might put 2 out 1 for my wife and 1 for my Dad.
My Daughter is a animal lover & she has just started looking after a horse & to see her smile is priceless as inside she must be going through heartbreak as we both are it is good she has something to look forward to.
I have & allways will put myself last as my aim is to try & help Amy my Daughter try to enjoy life her Mum will always be in her thoughts & her heart.
I have to something for my self as I drop Amy of at School & come home & the house is so cold & lonely without my wife in it.
Take care all & stay safe. X💔

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Geoff.I think there is a post somewhere that had asked us all to light a candle on Christmas Eve for our loved ones. I think it is at 7 PM
Scroll through the other forums and you should find it. I too will be feeling totally lost with my heart full of happy memories that only serve to break me even after 2 years.

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Thank you very much for that I will have a look .
Take care x

Geoff I so feel for you. My daughter died in May of the same disease, and leaves her husband and two teenage sons of 17 and 14. You describe exactly how I know my son in law is feeling, and it’s hard to know how the boys feel as they find it so difficult to talk about. They are all doing ‘normal’ things, working, going to school and college. But everything is so not normal, made even harder by Covid restrictions on families being together. Losing a wife and a mum is unbelievably tragic, losing a daughter equally so. I don’t know how we will get through this Christmas, other than by being together in our support bubble. Like your wife, my daughter loved Christmas and was the one who decorated everywhere, cooked and baked, made the house look amazing. I hope you and your daughter have some support and can spend time with loved ones. I have found writing a journal helps me articulate thoughts which I cannot speak about. And the closeness I feel to my grandsons and son in law is a comfort to us all. I cannot replace their mother, but I can provide some of the love that she surrounded them with. That’s all any of us can do I suppose. I hope you can find the strength to get through this difficult period.

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Many thanks & so sorry for your loss Cancer is such a horrible disease.
We will spend Christmas Day with my Mum as my Dad passed away 12 hours later so we will look out for her we both are not interested in Christmas but I need to do it for Amy my Daughter.
I gave up my job that I was at for 25 years as wanted to help my wife try & beet the Cancer but I feel guilty that I could not help her beet it as I loved her so much.
My mother in law has never been a nice person to us & my wife she blamed me for everything so we don’t have any thing to do with her any more…
Good luck to you & your family & all of you stay safe x
So I will try & get

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Sorry for your loss. It’s so hard this time of year. I lost my husband March 2019 and he loved Christmas. I was really dreading last year. The build up was worse than the actual day it’s self. Although I am not a fan of Christmas this year seems a little easier. I hope you and your daughter find comfort in each other and get through the Christmas periodx

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I understand completely, I lost my daughter in March and I am dreading Christmas. We are going to my son’s for Christmas dinner which will be bitter sweet as we were there last Christmas, my daughter’s last one. Am trying for my grandchildren but can’t wait for it to be over. I have made a donation to our local hospice in lieu of cards, I couldn’t face writing them this time. I think the first for everything will be hard, so the tears will be done in private and the smile plastered on although I know we will all be thinking of her. You will find the inner strength from somewhere, we are tougher than we think. I know my life has changed forever, but it’s not ended it’s just changed direction

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So sorry that you too have lost your daughter. I think plastering in a smile on Christmas Day for the sake of the grandchildren will be ok, but I’m finding the lead up very hard. We used to do stuff together, shopping, sharing recipes, sending each other photos of our trees and other decorations. She was always much better at crafting and a more adventurous cook than me! Last weekend was so hard as we always went to Bbc Good Food Show at the NEC together with my younger daughter. The three of us shopped, had cocktails, are out and were groupies to the many famous chefs (not really!). But the Facebook memories were just too much over the last few days. We were so happy, her little family was so happy. How do we ever come to terms with something like this and accept it?

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I think you just learn to live with it a little easier. My daughter was single girl we did everything together, shopping, holidays theatre meals out so I know my life will never be the same am going to have to sort myself out but nit sure how yet. She lived with us for the last 18 months so we were together 24/7. I just think I was so so lucky to have had such an amazing relationship with her and we made so many memories. Those I will treasure and hopefully draw strength from them. You will get through Christmas as I will but they will be with us in spirit am sure x

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