I have now been widowed for 22 months. Apart from dealing with all the emotional and practical issues I have sadly joined the “What to do about mum this Christmas” club. I only have one son but of course his wife’s family want to see her at Christmas too. I understand this completely, but it means I’m waiting and hoping for a friend to invite me in to join her family Christmas.
I worry about this for at least 2 months of the year, which I know is stupid, but Christmas was always a big thing when my husband was alive and I now just feel like a spare part. Does anyone else encounter this please? Is it possible to enjoy Christmas Day on your own?
What a horrible journey bereavement is. Always throwing up emotional challenges.
So sorry you are having this worry for Christmas. Are you friendly with your “daughter in laws” family?
Could you have the meal with them? Do you spend time with your son & others leading up to it etc? So able to feel part of something overalll? A friend of mine & his wife spend every chritsmas day meal apart with their respective families sos not to feel pressured by either family, he said it works really well for them both. Theyve been married for about 12 years. Is that an option for you? Maybe you & your son both go to the other inlaws for left over turkey sarnies & loveable crap Xmas TV /games?
If you were to spend the day to yourself would you do as you would if your husband were here? Or would you prefer it be a non-day?
For me, christmas is a season, the actual day is over hyped & pressured by what we think it should be but ive never had the big family christmas day so that would probably be why i try not to hinge too much on the actual day.
I dont think its stupid to worry at all. I am already having meltdowns in shops because of the christmas items, it is my first christmas without my mum, she loved christmas, so i am dreading the next few months & their constant reminders of what i dont have but other people do. Definitely an upset baaa humbug here but not a complete scrooge…
Just to add, ive had few christmas days alone a few years back and they were actually ok. I did everything on my own terms & quite enjoyed it. leading up to & after i did spend time with others so it wasnt too bad. x
I spent my 1st christmas without Rob last year. I got invited to each of my childrens houses but they live miles apart, to keep them happy, I went to each one 2 on christmas day and one boxing day driving over 300 miles to make them happy. This year, I want to spend it at home on my own then hext year. I’ve thought about going away for christmas to try something different. I would go this year but I cannot get my dog in the kennels.
I am fed up of trying to please everyone except myself, so next year it will be me 1st then family 2nd.
Last year my neighbours invited me to spend the day with them, as it was my first Christmas without him. This year I’ll be alone; friends have their own family Christmas, but as I don’t have any family, there’s no alternative. To be honest, I think I just want to shut out the whole day, no tv or anything, and just pretend it’s a normal day, if ‘normal’ is the word now.
I haven’t got any family apart from my brother. It will be my first Christmas without mum. I’m not sure if I feel like celebrating. If I don’t get invited to my brother’s, I’ll just have a duvet day. Hope everyone is ok xx
Its rubbish isnt it! My partner has a family, but im not close with them. So its difficult because i cant face going there & it being false neither do i think its fair for him to be around me when im going to be miserable not wanting to celebrate xmas at all. I think im going to start shopping online for 3 months because i cant face it in the shops with all the families, another reminder of my mum not being here this year
When I was facing my first Xmas, people were inviting me to join them. My Niece said to me “your problem is that wherever you go, Penny won’t be there!” She is absolutely right. Is there anywhere where I actually wanted to be?? . My answer was No!
I didnt want to be alone either, so I decided to celebrate Xmas with my memories of her. I just took my self off for a walk in our Peak District with my two dogs. I talked to her a lot as we walked. There were lots of families out and about, trying to work up an appetite, and most of them stopped for a chat.
Then off to country pub for a pint, where they were serving up Xmas cheer.
I had a few sad moments, but overall I had a far better day than I could ever have imagined.
The families and friends who had invited me to them, all phoned to make sure I was ok and to exchange seasons greetings.
I’ll be doing the same again this year.
The “not being there wherever you go” - something so obvious but never ocurred to me…
Even though your christmas wouldnt have been the one youd hoped without your loved one its nice to hear your experience was something that you took control of instead of the turmoil of obligations to everyone else
I’m dreading it as are my two girls!! They’ll make sure I’m not alone but I keep thinking of getting Jackie home last Christmas as she loved Christmas so much! Putting the tree up was her specialty with a glass of mulled wine afterwards. I’ve got lots of family around me here in Chelmsford but I’m still dreading it….
Hi @Ribena99 , I think you are right about the obligations. For weeks beforehand we are bombarded from every direction about enjoying ourselves at Xmas. We are told in order to be happy, we must do the same as most other people, parties, presents, cards, overeating and drinking for day after day (both at work and by families). If we dont, we cannot be happy.
Then we do feel “obligated” to join in, even though we know it will make us unhappy.
I might well come across as a “bah humbug” sort of person, but spending time with my memories of Penny are what makes me far happier.
Im still trying to decide what “special activity” to do this Xmas day! Any suggestions welcome.
@tykey totally agree. I think your day in the peaks , with your dogs & post walk pint & memories
of Penny sounded as pleasant as it could be so i have no other suggestions for an alternative, that said us baaaaaa humbugs need not do anything at all if we dont want to & that is completely fine isnt it
DerekG, almost neighbours, I am at Hatfield Peverel, I decided years ago not to feel we have to subscribe to the accepted view of Christmas along with overspending expected to socialise (well, I don’t) in fact, anything that caused a problem we discarded, I lost my wife in March, I have sort of got to the point where I know I can cope a little better some days (others not!) but still the Christmas thing weighs heavy, my wife loved Christmas, we had to do the tree, shopping without being extravagant, those special pressies for limited number of special people, lights outside, her excitement was almost child like and I loved it, I am hoping it is just the expectation rather than the actual day that is causing the problem.
I have to admit I am rather glad that my close family is very limited as i will not be expected to do the rounds.
I think its a very over hyped celebration, and alot is “built up” in our heads. … im already making it an issue. Its so nice to read your fond memories & also your almost peace with the “big day”.
My mum loved chritsmas, we spent the odd one apart for various reasons, but its no less gutting that i (we) dont get the option now.
Its the lack of awareness for how hard it might be, and how hard it is. Like my mum isnt here & people just chit chat ideas & get togethers like the death of my mum a few weeks ago hasnt happened. Then, (as if i should be grateful) they mention , oh by the way, dont be alone this year, come to us… just to add a bit more of a sting. Not intentionally in most cases but it just seems the natutal response to us that are alone. I am not a charity case, please dont insult me with a well meant spare chair at your table on the big day because society tells us we shouldnt be alone…
Youve hit the nail on the head, @Ribena99. I find that being “lonely in a crowd” is FAR worse than quietly and calmly being on my own with my memories. Its called being content with myself.
Can I be the first to wish you (and everybody else on here) a very happy Xmas, doing whatever makes you happy.
