My wife passed away seven months ago very suddenly age 58 her wardrobe is still full of all her clothes her dressing table has not been touched. She was alway immaculately dressed every day she would put on make-up and go out looking very glamorous… a friend of mine who lost his wife four years ago gave me some good advice. Don’t make any big decisions for at least a one year. So that’s the only advice I can give you that’s what I’m doing…!!
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I’ve just got back from taking the last box of my wife’s clothes to the charity shop. I have been boxing them up rather than use black bin bags.
My children and grandchildren had previously taken what they wanted as mementos and I also selected some clothes I wanted to keep.
When you decide or not whether to do it is really down to individual feelings and circumstances.
My wife hasn’t been able to wear most of her ‘posh’ clothes for years due to her illness, so most of the stuff does not invoke memories. I am planning to downsize and move back to 
in the coming months, so needed to be tough with both her clothes and mine.
Going back to the box this morning, I was fine until the lady behind the counter asked me what was in the box. I replied clothes from my wife who died a couple of months ago, bursting into tears as I said it.
Now back home, sobbing as I post here. I was doing so well today as well 
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Hi John, I managed to pass everything over without any tears but will admit it was difficult.
Hazel did not have posh clothes always dressed for comfort so most of her clothes were loose fitting and colourful but there was a hell of a lot of it, some of it I remember from at least 30years ago , H was big into crafting so anything that could be used for quilting knitting embroidery or any other craft was hoarded meaning even I was shocked with what had been squirrelled away, apart from what is going to my son and daughter everything now gone which bearing in mind that H left us on the 18th Mar is pretty good going although it was was painful it has made things a bit easier.
The decision to do this that quickly is 100% a personal thing but my thought process was that it was torturing me to see all H’s stuff every day, I am in no way trying to forget her that is something I could never do and as you know I have a large print of my favourite picture on the wall next to my bed and her ashes are on the mantlepiece in the living room with her picture on the container, I think of her all the time I speak to her constantly and have the waves of grief that we all get but as I said everything is down to personal choice we all feel the same grief at the loss but we all deal with it in our own ways there are no rules and no right way or wrong way to do anything, we all do what is best for ourselves but share those experiences here hopefully to benefit others.
None of us can ease the pain for others but we can at the very least let people know they are not alone.
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It seems like everything is destined to set me off today.
Had an M&S letter addressed to my wife with a £5 voucher in. My son had told them she had passed, so why didn’t they address the letter to me or better still not send it?
Then there was sympathy card addressed to me from a lady that my wife had worked with in1978. She and my wife exchanged birthday cards every year and when on arrived, I sent a letter to this lady, I had never met.
She sent me a lovely card that has my tears flowing again. 
Not sure how much more I can take 
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John stick with it, there will always be days like today, I actually received a sympathy card and really nice message from H’s consultant urologist last week which was completely out of the blue and although it made me sad it also made me proud as the message was very complementary and how it was so nice to have met H and how sorry she was for our loss, this was the only thing received from the medical staff in both urology and oncology but they are so busy.
With regards to the voucher it sometimes takes these large companies time to sort these things so I would buy something nice and think of the good times when you eat or drink it. John xxxx
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It’s difficult John.
Forgot to mention that first thing this morning, I met up with a nurse from the department who had been looking after my wife.
I was returning a piece of medical equipment, my wife had been using. The nurse had an appointment with someone nearby, so we arranged to meet and handover the equipment, to save me taking it to the hospital in Oxford.
We were talking about my wife and I asked her how serious her condition was. She hesitated, then said it was quite serious.
I knew she struggled with breathing but never fully took it on board that it was life threatening.
I feel so angry, if that’s the right word, with myself that she kept this to herself, with the misguided idea that she was protecting me. I could maybe have done so much more if I had known:broken_heart:
Why oh why?
In September 1967, we both uttered the words ‘in sickness and in health’.
I tried my best to uphold this as she would have done if I was the poorly one, but I feel as if I failed.
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John, The most important thing is you did everything you could and that is all that can be asked of you I have sat down and wondered if there was anything else I could do as I was sure that I missed something, I in effect nursed her for 18 months of the 2.5 years of her Cancer sometimes towards the end shouting at her for not eating and not even trying I knew in my heart what was happening but my anger was caused by the impotence I was feeling and it nearly broke me, I have been where you are and I think they call it the guilt stage, many of us think back and feel we failed but in reality we did what we could with the information we had.
I desperately miss my Hazel and would give anything to have her back but it will never happen so I keep the memories I have of better times foremost in my mind which on the whole negates the negative thoughts I have.
There is one thing I am sure of and that is Hazel would not want me to be as grief stricken as I am and to be fair a some of the time I am almost back to my normal self but then the little grief monster on my left shoulder wins the day and melancholy sets in and off I go but then good memories Hazel on my right shoulder speaks to me and tells me to get on with life I do like that one but it is a real battle at the moment.
I hope you find your equivalent of Hazel on your right shoulder soon so you can at least have some peace.
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John, yes I tried my best, but what I’m saying is that perhaps my best could have been better if only I had been fully aware of how serious her condition was.
Yes it’s me feeling guilty and angry at not being fully aware of her condition. These feelings may subside a bit, but they will always be there.
My Hazel is called Jackie. I know she would be telling me off for feeling this way but it still hurts.
One day, I will listen to Jackie and do as I’m told. 
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John, you cannot beat yourself for something you did not know I do understand and I have been there my self but you do not know what you do not know and there was a good reason that Jackie did not tell you everything in exactly the same way as Hazel kept some things from me the reason was they loved us and did not want to worry us any more than we already were.
We took the same vows as you and Jackie and never broke those vows and I did look after H in the best way that I could but I could never see into her mind I am sure H was protecting me and I reckon that Jackie was doing the same, all I can say to you that no matter how the past looks listen to your Jackie and take the love that will always be with you, cherish her memory and what you had forever and please try and make peace with yourself.
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Im like you, I have a lot of guilt.
Why didnt I do more.
Why didnt I try and get him to see another hospital.
I felt guilty for being here when he wasn’t.
I felt guilty because I couldn’t go back to see him in the chapel of rest I thought he would think that I didn’t love him anymore.
Everyday for nearly six months the guilt is there.
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Hi @Silver85 …. I am so sorry to hear about your wife. As all say, this is not unusual and it does not mean you are doing something weird. I am exactly the same. My beautiful wife Jill passed four months ago and her clothes (be they in wardrobes or tidy piles about the place), dressing table, bathroom items etc are still as was. And I have no intention of doing anything soon. For me, at this time, aside from the getting rid of any of her items seeming wrong and unloving, not seeing her belongings around the house would just add to the massive void of emptiness that already exists. It would make the place seem sterile, unloved and not for living in.
I have been told that there will come a time when I will know what to do and when to do it. I suspect that is true. Until then I do nothing. I will only act on surety, not impulse and wait for as long as it takes.
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I had to force myself to do some things.
I took a pic of my Jackie, just after life ebbed from her, that’s how I know exactly when she passed. She left this world at 09.38.
Why did I do it?
It wasn’t from any morbid fascination with death. I knew some of my grandchildren were not going to be able to see her and say goodbye and I wanted to show them a pic of her at peace, rather than what she may look like later that day. It was bloody hard and I cried while taking it and still doing so now as i write this.
I also forced myself to go and see her in the chapel of rest. It wasn’t my Jackie, but I knew I would regret it, if I didn’t go. I spent 10 minutes with her, before giving her one final kiss on her lips. When I came out, I nearly fainted, so the lady in reception grabbed hold of me and made me a cup of tea and chatted to me to take my mind off things.
Grief is the price we pay for love:broken_heart:
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Morning John, hope you are feeling a bit better today.
My daughter and sone were with me when H left us we did not take any pictures as H fell over in the hospital bruising her face and we did not want to remember her like that.
I did not see her after we left the hospital but I did go to the crematorium at the time of her cremation and sat in the garden for nearly 2 hours which I must say was beautiful with themed gardens and a pond, Hazel would have loved it as everything was starting to flower Spring was always her favourite time of year.
There was no service as this is what we had always planned,
I now have H’s ashes and they will stay with me until it is my turn upon which time I will be cremated and our ashes will be combined and scattered together in a suitable place to be together forever,
As I have always said the amount of grief we feel is in direct relation to the amount of love we had which is why the grief is so extreme.
Picture is H’s ashes on the mantlepiece above the log burner which she loved so much, obviously there is a scatter tube inside the bag.
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Obviously there is a scatter tube inside the bag.
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I can understand not taking pics or even viewing if there are injuries.
I saw my younger brother who passed aged 32, back in 1980. I wished I hadn’t as his face had been cut about a bit with the autopsy.
Life is full of choices and whatever people do is right for them. There is no right or wrong way.
Your wife is smiling lovely in the pic.
When I move I will get a bigger pic of her to hang in the living room
I may get this enlarged. Taken back in 2007 on our trip across Canada. At the time she was passionate about crosswords and puzzles.
All the amazing scenery outside the train and she was doing a crossword 
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Our grandson was only 2 when his passed away, he doesn’t understand where grampy is, he still thinks he is in the hospice.
Its been nearly 6 months now and I still remember that night, I can still imagine him. Saturday 23rd November 2024 8.30pm.
I too had to force myself to go see him in the chapel of rest, it broke my heart seeing him like that, it wasn’t him even though it was (if that makes sense).
I get angry with him for leaving me alone, I never thought I would lose him at 50 and be a widow at 51. We were supposed to grow old together, I feel like half of me is missing
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I have a 2 year old grandson that kept saying ‘where’s Nanny’ whenever we FaceTimed.
He seems to have stopped saying it lately. I think his older sister explained she’s gone to heaven.
I’m currently angry with her for not let me know how serious she was. I know she was trying to protect me, but I could have maybe done better for her.
Jackie was nearly 77 and I am 79, so we did grow old together, but I wish we could have had more than the 60 years together we did have.
Jackie passed away in my arms at home, so at least she got the peace she sought
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The picture on the ashes was taken in Malta on holiday it is the one I have had made into a 400mm x 300mm canvas and is on the wall beside my bed so is the first and last thing I see every day.
Fortunately our grand children are in their 20’s so no explanations required.
I was cuddling Hazel and son and daughter were holding her hands when Hazel left us it was a difficult time bur we were all so glad we were together, I am coping reasonably well but just feel empty most of the time but I coming to accept that I will never hold her or hear her voice ever again but I will love and cherish all of the memories until the day I leave this life.
Writing this has set me off again and I was doing so well today 
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I’m not sure whether to have a pic of us together, or just Jackie on her own.
I used this one for the order of service, which was taken on the same trip across Canada. I quite like the way her eyes seem to follow me across the room, so she could keep an eye on me.
When I put this one in a frame last year, she seemed to criticise me saying why I didn’t use the one of us both. I told her it was a pic of her I wanted. I think my mind is made up. It’s her on her own.
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Silver, my husband died 33 weeks ago. I can not remove all of his clothing yet. I did give away some things to a charity collecting items for the victims of a terrible flood and a couple of things to his friends. I sorted and purged socks and underclothes, swimwear, and tattered things. Other than that, it is all still here and I just keep the door closed.
If I had to see it all everyday, I would have to let it go because it is too painful to see.
My suggestion to all of you suffering this dilemma is to start small. Underclothes, socks, nightgowns, stockings, make-up, hair products, etc. Select 5 things at a time to donate or toss and slowly, the overwhelming sad chore will be more manageable.
My mother purged my father’s things almost immediately and I am grateful for that as when it was time to empty the house after her death, I only had her things left and that took 4 years for me to left it all go. I imagine I would still have it all if I had my dad’s things too.
5 things, then 5 things, then 5 things. Step-by-step, bit-by-bit.
Love
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