Hope everybody is have a reasonable weekend.
Well thats it done, apart from items that my son and daughter wanted to keep and a few small things I wanted everything has now gone to charity or recycling where possible, was it easy? definitely not, do I feel and better or worse? no but it needed to be done it was hard and the memories attached to some items brought on serious moments of grief, would I recommend that others to do the same? only you feel it is right for you do not try and do anything until you feel the time is right for you as the emotions attached to the task can be very hard to take.
I have now started on my stuff and I am finding it just as hard as I keep finding birthday and anniversary cards from Hazel and that brings on beautiful but extremely sad memories that lead the the inevitable weeping sessions but like everything else it needs to be done as I cannot take half of what I have when I downsize, you do not realise what you have accumulated until you try and and plan a downsizing exercise.
Be good everybody 
Ive decised to try and sort my things first, bag up for chairity, then sort Davids, if its too hard and can put in drawers ive emptied. It will be a start. Today ive finalised his estate account’s, put everything in one folder abd found his hair and hand and finger prints, sat and cried. There last 2 weeks ive felt awful, do down and tearful and exhausted. like im done cant go on. David would be so worried im like this, he always saud i was the strong one, but now his estate is finalised , ive nothing to focus on, the grief is hitting harder than ever. I always told people its one step st a time and ill get through it, regardless of me going knit and natter to meet people and going back to church, i now feel ive hit a brick wall and just cant go on. Im a mess and dont want to burden my new friends. even though they are also widow’s, i just dont know what to do anymore. Sorry for moan but im in a rwally bad place at the minute.
This is all normal though awful stages of grief. Take your time and get plenty of rest and sunshine - and cry when you need to. Talking is good and if friends & neighbours don’t help, just talk to him. I speak to my hubby every day - especially at night to tell him everything I’ve been through and how much I love and miss him. It really, really helps x
@Arti. Thank you, I always talk to him most of the day and tell him I love him every day, but hed hate me being like this. when he was here hed pull me into a hug and let me cry on his chest, till i was ok. I miss that so much. his voice his touch. just everything, and 15 months on i m worse than i was and miss him so much more, i love him more everyday, 73 years old and struggling, we had plans he should still be here, his death was traumatic, so i have a form of PTSD from it and relive in dreams i cant wake myself up from, when he was here hed wake me up when i couldnt wake up. We were never apart, and now even if i go out with friends i come home and its so lonely and i feel so quilty because i had a nice time and he wasnt there. Im sure im getting worse.
Ronnie, I fully understand what you are going through and I reckon we all know and sympathise as we are in the same state of mind in one way or another.
It is only eight weeks since I lost Hazel and it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced before, I have waves of grief that come to me like a tidal wave crying and weeping sometimes unable to breathe.
I was always the emotional one but was a typical man when we were originally told that Hazel had cancer but once I got into the car I cried like a baby, Hazel told me to stop as it probably was not as bad as they said it was and Hazel was correct it took two and a half years instead of the instead of the predicted six months I cried a lot over the years but Hazel always had a way of getting me back on side as she hated to see me unhappy, her favourite saying was “it is what it is” so when I am really down I think back to all the good times and I know in my heart that Hazel would be devastated to see me so unhappy, it does not stop everything but it certainly helps always think positive thoughts, I know it is difficult but we are all here to help each other so no matter what you want to say always feel 100% free to say or ask and somebody will chat to you.
Hazel was 66 I am 69 and we had so many plans for our retirement Hazel even bought us a motor home for Christmas that is how positive Hazel was and that is the sort of positivity that I try to remember when I am at my lowest,
My goes out to you.
I don’t know whether you will find this reassuring - but you are definitely not alone in how you feel. I am 79 and my hubby died over 2 years ago and I definitely feel worse now than in the first few weeks/months. Adrenaline seems to carry you through the initial stages but then the awful reality kicks in. I don’t have family but some good friends, but they just do not replace that close loving relationship that you’ve lost. After 50 years together it’s like half of me is gone and the going into old age together stripped away so cruelly. Try to treat yourself gently - give into those dreams - I had one that was so real I was disappointed when I woke! Take care x
I haven’t the answer but I do agree it’s stages of grief. A good bit of advice I was given was, " If you get up, get washed, dressed and eat something, it’s a success." I have days when I achieve little more than that but anything on top of it is a win. I have lots of support but I have learnt that I am not lonely for company but lonely for the company of the man who was the love of my life. Nothing but time is going to make that bearable is what I have been told so I am just going forward and viewing every day as a step nearer to being okay. Sending love and best wishes R x
I feel your pain
One of the worst things people keep saying to me is ‘why don’t you join a group’! I so agree with you as the more people I see the more lonely I feel as I’m only lonely for my husband and companion of the last 50 years. I’m not sure about this time thing either, but as you carry on you will experience that person doesn’t disappear into a past memory but somehow grows closer - and bittersweet. X
I get this all the time also after losing my wife of 48 years. Some people keep pushing me to join a group or make new friends. i don’t think I really want to or am not ready yet. Although it very painful, I am content with the memories of of our time together.
Just over a year now and am feeling so sad while going through some of my husbands drawers. Certificates, school reports, socks, hankies, letters, old photo’s, newspaper cuttings etc. All sorts of bits and pieces accumulated over a lifetime.
It is so hard. I am doing this sorting and clearing out bit by bit because I don’t want my children to have to do it and I may have to downsize eventually but It is so painful and makes me miss him so much. I want to go back to when we were young.
I’ve watched lots of YouTube ‘grief’ video’s over the last year and found some to be very helpful. The latest ones I’ve started watching are mygriefcare.com I like them because I can easily relate to what is being said and the video’s are short, 5-6minutes, and to the point. Maybe helpful for others on this painful journey ?
Scousebaz, I know of 3 widows that immediately (within weeks) began to clear out their deceased spouses’ things. None could bear to see the clothes, shoes, belts, ties, socks, etc. None regretted it.
I, on the other hand, moved all my mother’s things to my house and it took me four years to let it all go. Four years of being near tears every time I walked into my own closet. I could not let it go, yet it brought only sadness to me. I was relieved when I found someone to take it all.
I don’t want to repeat that with my husband’s things. Although I have let much of his possessions go, his clothes are the hardest for me.
There is no reason for you to keep these items. We all must do what we must.
If the shoe were on the other foot, I hope my husband would invite all my friends for wine and shopping in my closet. Then, they would be required to bag the rest and take it to a thrift store or a women’s shelter. He would be free of the burden of holding on to things that I would never wear again and not have to see them and remember me wearing any of it.
LisD, I like the idea of “loaner suits” for interviews. However, I can’t even look at my husband’s suits. He looked so handsome in them. He was a very polished dresser. I, too, can just close the door. For now. We have to learn to live with the loss. I can’t think about the future lost or I will be reduced to a puddle of tears. For now, I am just keeping my head above water.
Arti, bittersweet is the word. Thank you.
Lydia, it is painful to sort through the things they kept for years because it held some memory for them. I cried while shredding my husband’s many certificates. As if he never was. But, we have no children who might want this memorabilia of their father, and I do not know what will happen as I age, so I was brutal with the initial purge.
Ronnie, sorted mine first as well. Honey, sometimes the finality hits and it crushes us. We think when we finish X,Y,Z, we will be better. We aren’t. We are just the same, but without the worry of estate and purging.
This grief thing isn’t a straight line of stages. It is more like the line of a polygraph machine detecting suspicion. Your husband s happy that you had a good time. He does not want you to spend the rest of your time here, mourning him and not living you life to it’s fullest. It’s the same as you would want for him. Right?
When I feel low, I turn it to gratitude. I am grateful that I had 25 years with my husband and for the wonderful life we shared. Grateful to him for making sure I would be financially secure after his death. Grateful that he introduced me to such wonderful people and places. Grateful to God for sending my husband to me. Grateful that he is no longer suffering in pain and that I will be reunited with him when it is my time. We were together 24/7/365 as we were both retired when we married. I used to joke and say that we were married for three time whatever year.
I miss him all day, everyday and will for the rest of my life. I signed up for that when we fell in love and married. My one and only irreplaceable man.
“I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you,
but I am honored you spent the rest of yours with me.”
That sums it all up.
Hugs
I have photographs of my husband on the bedroom wall so I can see him first in the morning and last thing at night. It helps me negotiate the difficult times of day like putting the light out at night.
It was one of the first things I did, had my favourite photo of Hazel put onto canvas and put on the wall beside our bed, it allows me to say good night and good morning and as you say first and last thing I see every day.
There is very little left to take to charity shops now I have kept a few things but not much, I have also heavily culled my own clothes and stuff.
I sat down one day and just thought that I have just experienced the biggest change in my life so I decided to go even further and will be downsizing.
I have lost the one constant in my life but I am sure that Hazel would want me to move on and look after myself.
I cry every day and constantly chat to Hazel and I do not see a day in the future when I stop.
The one thing that will never change is my love and devotion for and to Hazel, wherever I end up Hazel will be with me in my thoughts her memory will never leave me and neither will the picture or her ashes which will be combined with mine when it is my turn and scattered in a suitable place so that we are together for ever.
I had a canvas done if David, I have on by the bed , which i see furst thing in a morning and last thing at night, I alway tell him about my day and tell him I love him. There is also a canvas of him in the living room. I carry a picture on a memorial card in my phone and purse, and a lock of his hair and photo in a locket, as well as wearing his wedding ring. Davids ashes were scattered with his mum and dad, and other family members., i have more of his hair and a portion of his ashes, which will go with me. i have a family plot so ill be there, but a portion of of ashes will be scattered where David is. So our ohysical remains eill ne separated, at least partly, but our souls are entwined and out love forever and always so we will be together again , at least i have to beli
eve that.
Cup of tea I cropped out of the canvas print
I intend putting mine near the bed as well.
I have a smaller pic on the window sill of the dining room where watch TV.
My wife’s ashes are interred in the garden of remembrance at the church where we got married in 67, just up the path on the left of the church. When I go, my ashes will be interred beside her.
Nice pic of your David
@Johnr thank you, your photo is lovely as well. My family plot is the other side of town, 13 miles away from here, all Davids family were just scarrered in garden of remembrance at the crematorium, so i have nowhere to go and be near him, but that was his wush and I honoured it. Our plot is my mum and dad, Gran and Gramps and my first husband. I paud for a double grave, but i want to change yo cremation so David and I will be together in both places. David made me happier than ive ever been before, we were never apart, which is why the grief is so hard.
