I just wanted to know how other people feel or felt at the one year anniversary of their loved ones death. I have been doing reasonably well, I think, trying hard, going out, meeting friends, and I’m still attending counselling which has been a godsend. Next Sunday, October 6th will be a year, since I lost my beloved John, my soul mate of 44 years. and I am getting the weirdest feelings and emotions. Some days it feels like it only happened yesterday. I am crying more, feeling very frightened of the future without him, I keep thinking back to this time last year, the last year of his life, and thinking of struggling through another long year without him. I am so sad and lonely, even when I am with people. I have no family, but I have some wonderful friends. I don’t quite know how to handle these feelings, and wonder if this is ‘normal’, well whatever is normal in these situations. I just feel like it is happening all over again.
Just interested to hear people’s views on this.
Thanks,
Heather. X
Hi. Heather. ‘Normal’ is a difficult word to use in bereavement. I suggest that there is a ‘normality’ in this process called grief that affects us all, but there is no normality in how each individual accepts what’s happened. We all cope in our own way.
It’s nearly a year since my wife died, but anniversaries don’t affect me much. I try to live day by day.
What is time in this awful process? People come back after 20 years and still have memories that upset them. This does not necessarily mean we go on grieving after a long time, but it can occur, and delayed grief can be as awful as when we first begin this journey.
Perhaps we underestimate the strength of the trauma we have all suffered. I can’t think of a worse life trauma than this one. Often the illness leading up to it becomes almost unbearable, but we do cope.
It’s when it’s all over it may hit us and hit hard.
Being a carer takes the edge off the feelings we have, but when it’s all over those feelings will surely come. Let them. Have a good cry if it helps, no shame in that.
I cry often and we guys are brought up to believe ‘men don’t cry’. Well this one does.
Take it easy, well as easy as you can. It will pass slowly and it’s NOT abnormal.
Be kind to yourself.
Hi Heather although my first year anniversary isn’t till November 3rd my longing to hold my wife Jane ,cuddle her,hold her hand gets worst every day we were married for 43 years and still am for that matter.
I too cry certainly not ashamed the lost of Jane was like somebody taking a part of me she was my true friend,wife and life .
I have a nephew no other family who rings and text now and again friends have all but disappeared except for one lady I worked with.
This time last year even though Jane was on kidney dialysis she was always chipper even though at times it took its toll,she had got great plans to go to the Harry Potter experience in London,revisit Buckingham palace,Windsor Castle and even go to our local stock car track just seems like yesterday.
I am hoping to finish the plans we had for our house due to my own business alot of it was put on the back boiler she can then see what we planned yes I do believe she is still here and if that’s is not normal to grieve for your one true love then I am certainly not normal certainly lost without my my true love.
Kind regards and wishes MM69
It’s just over a year for me and I made a conscious decision to just treat the anniversary as I would any other day. The previous 364 days were pretty rubbish so I didn’t see that the anniversary need be any worse. Two of my daughters asked if I intended to mark the day and I just replied that I didn’t know how to. I had no intention of building things up in my mind. So many things happened in the last four years of my wife’s life that had I the inclination I could probably mark an anniversary of some memorable event on each day of the year…scans, scan results, chemotherapy sessions, radiotherapy sessions, operations, time in hospital, time in hospice, death, etc. I’ve no wish to replay all of that.
it’s 4 months since my 1st anniversary, I too was dreading it. decided to go to the chapel of remembrance at the crematorium and place some red roses there, our son and daughter along with our two dogs came with me but they couldn’t face coming into the chapel with me,
must have spent a good 20 to 30 minutes in there before I could compose myself to actually leave. all of us went to a local dog friendly pub and had a something to eat none of us could face a proper Sunday lunch that day.
it was a very emotional day and the following day I felt I was reliving the day after his funeral. these past 4 months have been a rollercoaster, I don’t think with the same intensity as the rollercoaster days during the first 12 months but equally upsetting. it is only recently that the days have been improving and I continue to take each day at a time.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
We didn’t talk much of death as for us it felt some time away. What my husband could never understand was why, when folks died, the date of death seemed to gain priority over other significant dates in that person’s life. I made the conscious decision to minimise the 1st year anniversary; to treat it as any other day. The reality - 1st anniversary coincided with a very challenging day at work. I got though it but it took its toll. It also reminded me that life (warts and all) goes on. Every day is different, difficult and lacks direction. Moving into year 2 - I’ve transitioned from numbness to flatness now unsettlement. I’m questioning the purpose of the life I have ahead of me. What’s it all about? It is terrifying and very unsettling. For me - my significant anniversary is 22 April - our first date ( in 1984). I can embrace it anyway I want. I don’t need to share this with anyone I know. Our relationship belonged to ourselves and so does this significant date. I love him and miss him with every fibre of my being. Love and respect to you all. Cx
I am so pleased that this topic has been brought up. I lost Brian last November and don’t quite know how to cope with it. Will the reminders of this time last year overpower every other thought in my mind, and I can’t see that it’s anything to ‘celebrate’ I would rather blank it out of my mind and try to remember the happy times we shared. At the moment I am considering spending the day alone, possibly just remembering or planting spring bulbs where his ashes are. Your views are much appreciated giving me something to consider.
Pat xxx
Hi YL. I’m inclined to agree with your method. I too don’t know what to do that day. It’s not exactly a celebration is it. Yet feel that I should be thinking of him I don’t want to remember the struggle, I don’t want to remember him taking his last breath, I don’t want to remember his pain, and I don’t want to remember how inadequate I felt throughout. Like you I have no wish to replay it all.
Hello All
This is the first time on this site for me. I have been reading all your posts in this section. It is nearly a year since my darling husband died. I use the word “died” because that is what happened. He didn’t pass or pass away and he wasn’t taken from me. He died.
These past 10 months have been he’ll. I miss him so much. We had 50 happy years of marriage and I am so glad we had a lovely Golden Wedding celebration with family and friends and he was so well then.
Two months later he became unwell and he died 2 days before our 51st anniversary.
Like everyone on this site I hide my feelings from family and friends. So fed up with folk saying “You are coping well”, “keep busy”, etc etc.
I am still falling apart. I didn’t know it was possible to cry so much and I didn’t know it was possible to feel so lonely and wretched.
Take care all. This is a hellish thing for us all to bear
Hello All,
I’m really sorry for all your losses and I can’t believe there are so many of us feeling the same way. Chris my hubby of 30 years passed away on 13th October 2019. I have kept so busy all year, sometimes too busy but still feel utter heartache. I have been really worried about the anniversary and how to cope. A few months ago I booked a holiday scuba diving in the Maldives with my sister and we go 2 days before Chris’s anniversay. I’m going to take some of Chris’s ashes and put them in the see so that he is with me. Apart from that I am going to try and just have a nice time. I know though when I get home it will all hit me like a tonne of bricks. Every morning when I wake up and see Chris’s photo it still really shocks be and makes me cry realising he isn’t here. Love to all of us living this nightmare without our soulmates xxxc
Hello All,
I’m really sorry for all your losses and I can’t believe there are so many of us feeling the same way. Chris my hubby of 30 years passed away on 13th October 2019. I have kept so busy all year, sometimes too busy but still feel utter heartache. I have been really worried about the anniversary and how to cope. A few months ago I booked a holiday scuba diving in the Maldives with my sister and we go 2 days before Chris’s anniversay. I’m going to take some of Chris’s ashes and put them in the sea so that he is with me. Apart from that I am going to try and just have a nice time. I know though when I get home it will all hit me like a tonne of bricks. Every morning when I wake up and see Chris’s photo it still really shocks be and makes me cry realising he isn’t here. Love to all of us living this nightmare without our soulmates xxxc
Hello Jean just to let you know we are very similar my lovely Ron died 9mths after our Golden Wedding and we had such a wonderful anniversary year celebrating with all our family which I am eternally grateful but I miss him so much. We used to say to each other that when one of us died it still means we are married and I love him so much. It is 3 years since he passed and I still cry so very much. I have joined a group of ladies who have also lost their husbands and we go out for lunch even holiday breaks and of course we are talking about loved ones which is so comforting. It is very hard this grief but I just keep thinking what would he say if here were here. Love and hugs xxx Carol xxx
Hello Carol
Thanks for replying to me. I really don’t know how to get over this. Today 2 sons, 1 daughter in law and 1 granddaughter came to see me and took me out for Sunday lunch. I try so hard to enjoy myself, but find it so difficult without Duncan. Then they all go home and once more I am on my own. The loneliness is dreadful. What do you do to cope with this
Thanks Jean
It will be a year since my husband died on 18th December - a week before the 54th anniversary of our first date (Christmas day). We had been married over 52 years and I miss him so much. I haven’t really come to terms with his sudden death and how I couldn’t help him (I gave him CPR until the paramedics arrived) but I couldn’t sVe him. I feel so guilty.
I manage to keep myself busy during the day. I have friends to go out with and my children and grandchildren are wonderful. It’s when I come home and he isn’t there and the long lonely nights.
Hello everyone
I don’t often post on here, but it’s coming up to the first anniversary of my husbands death on October 15th . I understand completely how you are all feeling at this difficult time. Time passes but the deep feeling of loss never goes. Thinking of you all.
Lucy
I wouldn’t normally post on this thread as I have lost my mum and not my partner.
However, I just wanted you to know that my mum and I tried to save my dad with CPR 21 years ago when he had a massive heart attack at home. We felt guilty for years until I researched and discovered that only 10 percent of people survive an incident like this outside of a hospital. Although chances have increased with the onset of defibrillators, saving someone with cpr is very unlikely and you shouldn’t feel guilty that you didnt manage to. My dad had a postmortem which concluded that he would have died instantly.
I cant help you with your grief as I’m grieving terribly myself with the sudden death of my mum, I just wanted to comment on the guilt you feel.
Cheryl x
You describe exactly how I am feeling. My husband of 50 years died 10 months ago and as the anniversary approaches I am reliving those last months more and more. I have a lovely family and many supportive friends but the desolation is still there all the time and like you I am wondering how I am going to cope with another year like this one, then another one. …
I have found that filling my time with activities is the best thing to numb the pain; I have accepted that it will always be hard when I come home and shut the door, although I have a loving little cat which is something of a comfort. I don’t think there is any "normal " in our situation ; we all have to do what is best for us although most of the time we don’t know what that is !
I found it was completely out of my control.I didn’t want to relive any of those moments either but our brains don’t always respect our wishes.The emotions and feelings were so intense.I was a total mess.It’s sixteen and a half months since I lost my darling Roy and every day is a struggle,but that’s a drop in the ocean compared to the wonderful 30 years we had together isn’t it.I am seeing my counsellor today,she helps to temporarily unscramble the mess in my head!and I am on medication which I know many of you don’t agree with but I seriously wouldn’t be here today if my counsellor and doctor hadn’t intervened.My animals my sister and my good friends are a wonderful support,I am lucky to have them,but it’s still lonely isn’t it without the love of our lives beside us.It’s hard bl…y hard and so so exhausting,Sending love and peace to all of you on this terrible journey,Corinna xx
Dear Jean Jeanie
Like you I prefer to say died as that’s what happened. It was 10 months ago - five days before our Golden Wedding. We exchanged rings a week before and I still had the planned celebration with my lovely family on the day. Looking back, I don’t know how I did that but I felt numb for the first month. Now assessment