Coming up to a year

Losing a partner
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It’s coming up to a year since my wife passed. While it feels just like yesterday since it happened, it also feels like a lifetime since we were last together. The last few weeks have stirred up an awful lot of emotions as I move towards the anniversary date, which I’m sure is quite normal.

Each and every day I still always feel lost, empty, no spark, no drive, little enthusiasm. Even after a year I still feel like this grief is all consuming. I still think about it constantly, missing her desperately. I feel like it’s my whole identity.

I try to keep reasonably active with sports, and I’m no hermit by any means but have little or no desire to socialise. I see friends when doing sports, but little else. I would say that social anxiety has developed, which is not something I’ve experienced before. My confidence had been massively knocked, and now if I’m out anywhere a lot of the time I’m just keen to get back home. Then I feel desperately lonely. I have two teenagers which keeps me busy and I’m trying my best to keep them happy and on track. Which all seems to be going well, albeit exhausting. The kids are very much the focus of my life now, anything but family doesn’t seem hugely important to me anymore.

Colleagues at work are all very kind and nice, and supportive, and it’s certainly not a bad job by any means. But most days I hate it. I have no passion for it, little or no desire to get up each day and go into work, or log-on to my PC. I go through the motions, doing what I have to do and no more.

Is this all normal. Can anybody else relate.

I often get told by well-meaning people that hopefully things will get easier once you get through the first year. I really do appreciate their concern, but none have lived through what I’m going through, so I just nod and smile, knowing full well that it doesn’t quite work like that.

I guess really, I was wondering how others have felt as they came up to the first anniversary? I’ve taken the day off work as I know it’s going to be a particularly awful day, but I know she wouldn’t want me to just sit around the house. I may go for a walk, or a quiet surf on my own, and visit the grave. What have you all done to acknowledge days like this? I’m also really not sure how to approach this with the kids, I need to acknowledge the day, but I don’t want to put them in position where they feel uncomfortable or unnecessarily upset them.

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It’s now 14 months for me since I lost my Keef. The first anniversary was really hard and so my daughter and her family came to stay overnight as they were worried about me being on my own. I had thought that once I’d got through the dreaded date things would get easier, but it’s different. It feels now like reality has really set in, possibly the first year was spent going through the motions and each 1st, but now I seem to be floundering. I do try and socialise but it’s become more difficult recently, I get the impression that people don’t really care anymore. It was a really hard day to get through and it felt good to talk to my daughter and her husband about Keef, my grandkids are only 7 and 12 so we didn’t want to upset them too much but saying that the older one was keen to be included in remembering his grandad. At the end of the evening we toasted my husband we the last of a very special malt whisky we had bought on our last holiday in 2022 and it felt like the right thing to do. It’s probably best to sound your kids out as I’m sure they would want to do something and be included. I do believe it’s important to talk about things like this rather than hide them, metaphorically speaking, under the carpet. Take care and try and sound them out, you may be surprised. Take care Gail

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The first anniversary of my husband dying has just passed. I coped very well up until then, probably too well. Since that date my confidence has taken a battering, I feel lost, lonely and wonder what is the point. My whole reason for being is gone, so yes I can relate to how you feel.

I’m trying to accept that this is how I feel at the moment but it will get better. There is no other way than forward

My son came to stay with me for the weekend and we went out for a lovely meal, both acknowledging the reason for being together but not going into it in any depth. I’m hoping we’ll mark it like that every year

All the best to you and your children with however you mark the occasion but I’m guessing teenagers won’t want to dwell and will find it a struggle. They don’t often cope with high emotions

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That’s certainly how I’ve been feeling a lot lately, wondering what the point is. I’m lucky that I have the kids to drive me forward and I know I need to stay strong and positive to help them navigate life. But when it comes to me I just think, well, it’s only me now, why bother, I’ve no longer got my wife to share this with.

I think you are right about them not wanting to dwell on things. I don’t want to put them in a situation where they don’t know how to react and deal with it.

I like the idea of a meal. My wife always liked to go for meals on special occasions, I’m sure she would like the idea of the family going out somewhere nice, and as you say we all know why we’re there, we don’t need to talk about it if we don’t feel like it.

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I know what you mean about other people. I have to remind myself often that this is affecting me, not others. Yes they miss their friend, but they are carrying on with their live’s, and that’s fine. It’s not that they don’t care, its just that its not something they are living with 24/7. It can get a bit frustrating at times when people don’t fully realise that your life will never be the same again, you haven’t just re-adjusted and got on with things.

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It’s so very difficult, this situation that we’re in, but in memory of the one’s who are no longer here we must keep going.
My son and I had a lovely time and I look at the fact we spent that day together as very special
Keep strong and keep going for your sake as much as for your children and also for your wife who,I’m sure, would be proud of what you’ve achieved

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I was really sad on the first anniversary which was xmas just gone - i didnt expect to be so sad but i was … were all different and if you have teenagers you may wanna try keep it low key for them ? I threw a red rose in the canal near where we lived in rememberance of our love ! Do you live near any water ?. I hope that helps x

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Sorry to hear it hit you badly as well. I think you are all right about not making a big thing about it with the kids, keep it low key and at least give them the space to talk aboit it if they want to.

Its certainly been hitting me hard the last couple of weeks, even harder than usual. It’s this sinking realisation that this really is it. They are never coming back, you’re never going to speak to them again, see them again. I mean, I’m well aware of that and think about it every day, but coming up to the first year really does drill that home. I’ll be getting a headstone installed shortly, and that just makes it all seem so perminant.

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Yeh its awful isnt it ? The worse thing thats ever happened to me. I miss his love and care so much :frowning: some days i just dont wanna go on without him ,its such a hard life as a widow , nothing good about it at all :frowning: i think i can honestly say that every single day since i lost him has been a battle to survive and its been horrible too ;( xx

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Its coming up to the first anniversary of my husband dying and I am dreading it. It would have been our 50th wedding anniversary last saturday so I took my self away to a lovely log cabin retreat for a couple of days that we had planned to do. It was so peaceful but very emotional day. I feel really lost and dont know how to cope anymore. I thought I was getting used to all the ‘first times’ but they seem to get harder. take care everyone.
Ann

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Rhat sounds lovely a log cabin but it can be so hard by yourself i find … makes me feel even more alone :frowning: i know were alone now anyway but i hate to be reminded of it too - makes me feel sadder. Hope you enjoy your time as best you can. Take care xx

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Hi everyone May 1st was the first anniversary of my husband passing as each day got nearer I felt so depressed on the actual day my daughter had taken the day off work to make sure we were kept busy, she took me to a few shops then we went to the pub for a late lunch early tea my grandaughter and great grandson came to the pub we then went to her house were she has a bar friends who my husband knew came for a drink we played his favourite music heavy rock toasted him with what was left of his toffee vodka had a really good day then came home to the empty house and as usual had a really good cry but I did get through that awful day thanks to family and friends :orange_heart:

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Rep
So very sorry for your loss ,not a journey we all want to be on ,
Lost my husband 19 months ago, and the first of everything is so difficult,
On my husband Angelversary i went to his favourite place with his cousin for a meal ,

On our wedding Anniversary i went to the cemetery and played Dave his favourite
Music and took a drink for him,
I go out for a walk when my anxiety gets bad ,
Take care,
Susie

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Hi Susie sorry for your your loss I’ve just come back from Benidorm with my daughter and a few friends the first time away without my husband what an amazing crowd they are had a good cry before I went as some were husband and wife felt a little jealous but it was amazing they looked after me we laughed and it was my birthday last Saturday so they planned a good day for me was so good to laugh thoroughly enjoyed the break from the house didn’t cry once till I’ve came home to the quiet empty house realising my husband wasn’t here and haven’t stopped crying but the break did me the world of good I miss him so much you take care :heart: Wendy

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Im struggling so much today without him … it all feels so bleak doesnt it ? When does it ever stop ? This pain in our heart for them … its not fair … he was only person i ever really loved and now hes gone. I dunno if i even wanna carry on … i cant be bothered anymore … got my lovely lucy my 16 month old dog and she keeps me going bless her but not same without our darling husbands is it ! Its crap ! Xx.

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Hi Deb5 it certainly is crap I just wish this pain would go I struggle a lot and sometimes don’t think I’ll get through the day I do but then it starts all over again the next day today I feel like screaming and yes the pain in our hearts never ends that’s because we loved them that much and now our love has know were to go, trying to make a new life for ourselves is horrible like everyone on this site we all liked the life we had this new life it what we have got now and it’s so hard to come to terms with it like everyone I didn’t choose it but I tell myself do I want to carry on like this in pain grieving or have some sort of life to get by. take care

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Ive just tried to explain these feelings to my dog walker friend who has not lost her husband ! People just dont understand do they ! Im so sick of trying to explain it to people who not lost their husband ! They not got a bloody clue how hard it is do they ? !! X

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I don’t even try anymore. If people ask me how I am I just tell them I’m fine. There is little point trying to explain, I just ended up getting utterly frustrated like your experience today, and I don’t think my brain and body can cope with much more than it’s already going through.

Unless somebody has been in the same position they just won’t understand. At first it was annoying but now I realise that the are not going through what we are, how could they understand. Of course, if I’m having a bad day I might not be as understanding.

In fact I very nearly did snap at a good friend recently when I mentioned how exhausing life is. There was a comment about knowing how I feel as they had often had to lone parent their kids when partner went away for work for a few days. I did grin and bear it, rather than going into a rant about lone parenting for the rest of my life, while also dealing with often overwhelming grief, let alone the impact on the kids and never having mum with them at milestones in their life or supporting them in ways I can’t, as much as I try sometimes they just need their mum.

I do often get looks of surprise from friends when I talk about the things I do now. I’ve always been heavily involved in all aspects of my children’s lives, but they just can’t seem to fathom that I’m both mum and dad now.

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No people don’t understand till it happens to them it’s a really horrific thing we go through even your family all you get from them is your doing absolutely fine better than you think, so if that’s the case why do I feel like my whole life has ended heart broken and into pieces and feel so lost and sad and angry just hope one day I can get some relief take care everyone

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Thanks for your messages … having a bad week and i dunno why ? Just sick of it all and sick of people tbh… people who just dont want or try to understand the heartache think im gonna have to swerve my lady dog walker friend for a while - shes getting on my nerves … she doesnt understand and im not gonna keep repeating it to her ! People just want to live in their own little bubble dont they ? Well so do i …so go away then and leave me alone X

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