Complete Absence

It is the complete absence of T that I am struggling with at the moment. Everywhere here are his things - shoes, clothes, kit, stuff, ski boots, jackets. His photo. Evidence that he existed. That he was here. But he is not. He has gone. Totally and permanently gone. I can’t process this at the moment. How can someone be so alive, so vibrant, so present - and then be so utterly absent? So totally silent?

It is hard. It remains hard. I just have to keep going, keep going and talk to him as much as I can - to remember, to keep him close, to feel him near me.

Anyone else feel like this?


Oh I feel like this, the memories make me smile. I feel angry though as I havent dreamt about him it’s like he has totally abandoned me. How can someone be there one minute then gone so completely gone that if it wasn’t for there material objects you’d think did they ever really exist.


@Vancouver - I understand completely what you are saying. We had plans that are now cancelled. I look around the house and his shoes, coats and clothes are still around. I’m not sure when I am supposed to clear them away - pack his things, when is the right time for that?
He was here one day and then suddenly gone - no warning, no time to prepare. I’m not sure how to adjust.
My special person is gone. The house is quiet and still. I’m not sure how we get used to it.


My husband’s things are still out as he left them a year on. I don’t want to erase him so they stay where they are. I cannot bring myself to get rid of the things that were ‘him’. What good would it do? My mind will not stop thinking about him anyway.


Hi Jules4

I feel exactly the same. It’s been 42 weeks for me and yet, it still seems like yesterday. Ian’s unfinished jigsaw puzzle is under the settee, his one and only get well card still out and all his belongings exactly as he left them. This is still his home and so why should I get rid of anything?
His ashes are in the room he was supposed to come back to from hospital but sadly, he never made it home…

Julie x


I totally get this and am sorry for your losses, 17 weeks for me and I find it just gets harder and harder. My brain won’t let me compute moving forward or learning to live with it. I don’t want to, I get tired of telling people I’m fine when I’m not, it seems to bey automated response and most people are happy to jump all over it because it makes it easier for them.

I tell myself I have to keep going for my son’s, but as the days and weeks pass even that gets harder, people say be kind to yourself, put yourself first but if I did put myself first I wouldn’t be here. I’m having counselling and she’s so lovely is the counselor but this voice in the back of my head just keeps telling me nothing is going to change this feeling, how can it :disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved::broken_heart::broken_heart:



I totally get what your saying, I’m 3 years down the line, I look at my husbands dressing gown hanging up, his clothes in the wardrobe, the pictures on the wall that we are both in & think to myself “he’s not next to me so where is he?”

I still say to people “I don’t understand?”

Death is still the unknown, that just makes it so much harder.


Yes, I feel the same, I just can’t take in that someone who was so full of life has just suddenly gone, where does all that love go?
It’s been 21 weeks now and I have not had any dreams, about anything, it seems so strange.
Pete was so charismatic, always smiling and he made a big impact on everyone he met.
How can that just disappear?
All his things are all around me, I envy people who say they can feel a presence, I feel empty and lost. There’s just nothing but silence.


Yes, it’s been 1month today & I’m just surviving! Thought I was strong but nothing can prepare you for loosing your best friend, partner & soul mate al at the same time?!? Thought I’d try this site my mum sent me the link, Bless, at least I know I’m not alone but it’s Sooooo lonely!!! , good luck & god bless , stay strong & I’m trying to remember how lucky I was to have known my Ste & you your T! X


I too feel the same Hs things are all over the house. I have pictures of him as they were. Why should I take them down. He’s my husband he’s in my head my heart our home. He will never be anywhere else. I may not be able to see him but he is around me wanting the best for me. I have spoken to a medium who has told me only things that he would know so I know he listen to me talking to him all the time. I share my day with him and talk to him at night. I walk the dog with him and talk to him all the time. I love him and nothing and everything has changed x


Hello @Mish23 - I am so sorry about Ste - I hope you were able to get some rest last night. I remember being at 1 month after T died. A blizzard of paperwork and shock, is as I remember that time. I am now nearly at 3 months. Weird - feel like I am in a revolving door, moving fast, getting nowhere. I had people round last night, to our apartment where T used to host the most amazing parties. We raised a glass to him and to the future but I am not leaving him behind. He is with me, I with him. Take care everyone today xxx


I can’t comprehend how someone so big and full of life can be reduced to a little box that sits on my bookcase, his coat still hangs next to mine from the last day we came home from work, and his uniform jacket on the wardrobe door with his hat. Sometimes I feel I’m watching someone else’s life then I look to his place in the living room or at the dinner table and it’s like a wave rushing over me that he is gone. I saw something in a record shop the other day that I thought my husband would have laughed out and I had my phone in my hand ready to take a photo and send it to him when I remembered that he is gone, it’s those things that squeeze at my broken heart that hurt the most x


I completely understand. I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly just over three years ago - the first I knew about it was a knock on the door from a policeman. You think that this can’t be right, that he was healthy, such a huge part of our lives and so enjoying his retirement, his cycling, holidays in France etc. all ended in a split second, it seemed/still seems so unfair on him and on the rest of us.

You’ll never forget your partner though, your good memories will ensure that and help you cope through the tough times ahead and as for his clothes and personal things, just take your time before deciding what to do.

Someone once crassly referred to him as my “ex husband”. I’m not often at a loss for words but though gone, he’ll always be my husband, Dad to our children and I’ll continue to wear my wedding rings.


Hi Jojo,
I’m so sorry for your loss, exactly the same thing happened to me, my wonderful soulmate walked out the door fit and healthy in November 2021 and less than an hour later there were 2 police men at my door.
That was the day my life came crashing down, we had just bought a house and had so many plans fotr the future.
Its such a huge shock and something I will never get over.
Take care


I feel very similar to you,I lost Malcolm on the 19th January this year.It was unexpected we would have been together 40years in September.
I have gone through all the usual emotions and find it exhausting.I have had the occasional brighter day but my mood changes constantly.The overwhelming feeling of loss,some guilt is ghastly.It doesn’t help that we didn’t have children and a few good friends.
Some days I feel as though he died yesterday others i feels like years.I just keep wishing it was me who died,not him.x


I’ve just sat at dinner table and ate dinner at 5pm, the radio is on but it just hurts that I’m now crying after realising what my subconscious has done. I dud admire walk with my friend today and feel all that good has just been squashed.

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Everything is so hard on our own. I don’t think that will ever change x


@Griff @Pushkin28 @Nel @Misprint @Muldool - firstly, I am so lucky to have you in my life - thank you for being there and for being with me. We are friends through grief and widows together - we share an understanding about how tough this is. We show here for each other and I am so lucky to have you here with me. I have felt so up and down, so sad and unsure, suddenly happy, suddenly lost. T’s absence exhausts me every day. Today I am dealing with more stuff with the business - it is on a knife edge. And I miss him so much it hurts, it burns, it leaves me winded. Let’s stick together, let’s hold each other up as we go.


Vancouver I pleased we are all supporting each other. No one can ever know what it’s like till they experience it. I’ve washed the pots and thinking what else can I do before going into the lounge to feel the absence of Graham not being there with me, I can barely breathe for fighting off tears. X


Thank you Vancouver for being here. We will all have to keep supporting each other. Are you back in England. I hope that you can sort out the business for all involved. It is so hard to talk to people that do not understand what we are going through and to know that eventually they will experience this devastation. Take care xx