Completely lost

I don’t know how to cope. My beloved husband died of secondary cancer 4 weeks ago today. He was diagnosed just 8 weeks after we got married. We’d both been married before for 25 years but I knew when I met him he was my soul mate. I just can’t believe he’s gone it breaks my heart every day that we only got 4 and half years together. And everyone tells me be grateful for that time and I am but I wanted more time. I’m so lost without him. I don’t know what to do. I gave up work to care for him and everyone around me still has their partners (he passed 2 days before my 50th ) so I feel like no one understands the utter devastation. We had so many plans for our future and now it’s all gone. I don’t want to wake up because then I know its real. He was increasingly ill from May and we knew it was terminal but in the end it was all so quick. I’m sorry I know I’m rambling at least I know from reading some of these posts I’m not alone in how I feel. I just don’t know how to face my life without him.

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Hi Tinag
Its hard and some days it doesnt seem to get any easier, at first I think death would have been a release and sometimes still do but there are also some points in the day when better memories surface. It feels such a screwed up way to live but it is as it is. What can we do.
No amount of time is ever long enough when you find that someone that makes you whole.
Watching and caring and then knowing it is going to end I dont think we can ever prepare for because the shock at the end is what plays over and over.
I say its a mind screw and I do hope you find soon that you have better moments in your day.

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Hi TinaG
I lost my queen Linda on 28th July this year…she was only 57. I too feel lost every day - I ask myself where is she? We too were soulmates of 30 years, married for 22. From nowhere, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer this time last year and Linda was so supportive. Then again from nowhere, Linda was diagnosed terminally ill on the 17th of January this year just one week after our first grandchild Olivia was born and give just 12 weeks to live without chemo or 15 - 18 months with chemo. She bravely went for chemo as she wanted to get to Olivia’s first Christmas and birthday. Alas, the treatment was too much because she became too frail. Linda was given 3 months - she lasted 3 just weeks. Almost 4 months on and I am in tears writing this - I am in tears every day - there seems to be no let up in the vice-like grip of grief I miss her so much and sometimes feel so low as to not want to go on. But friends and family tell me she wouldn’t want that for me and I know she wouldn’t. With Covid, it is proving even more difficult to live with as friends and family contact is restricted. I try desperately to approach my grieving process one day at a time. I now allow myself my grieving time (replying to you is this time today) but then say to myself - let’s get on with this day. I am looking for a bereavement group as I can’t do this on my own at the moment. I now keep a diary of how I feel and the memories I have which bring the opposite ends of emotion. We were a team and I have lost the other half of this team. I would have shared the normal things in life with Linda…ringing her every day, planning the weekend, our next trip away or whatever it would be. These things are no longer part of my life now. I have to learn to live a different way with just the memories of my que.en…she will NEVER be forgotten

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@TinaG I’m sorry you have lost your husband so recently. Cancer is such a horrid illness.
Sadly not many people really understand how a grief stricken partner feels and it is a struggle to find someone who can truly emphasize. Hopefully you will find this site useful, for all it’s faults, it is full of bereaved people who are going through the same process as yourself
Richard

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I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly due to heart attack. I did the CPR before the ambulance came but they still could not save his life. I could not bear it when the doctor said that he was dead. He was my soulmate and always put me as his priority. I don’t think our husband want us to suffer anything. I hope you found some comfort from this website. X

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I lost my wonderful husband 17 weeks ago & I feel worse & worse as the days drag by. I cry constantly & can’t seem to find any help. I’ve tried Cruse bereavement counselling which made me feel worse. I literally go hour by hour. My family all live a long way away so I’m completely on my own. We didn’t have friends as my husband & I lived for each other & our children. It’s all the little things we did together that are so heartbreaking.
I’m considering contacting a medium as I desperately want to know that my husband is still with me. I collect white feathers which I believe he sends.
Much love to everyone in this sad situation.xx

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Tina, I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel, and I totally understand your pain. I too have lost my husband to this awful disease. The pain of losing your soulmate is heartbreaking isnt it? I also gave up work to care for my husband and now feel totally lost and completely broken inside. Empty and numb. The only comfort I find is that I know he is at peace now. He had suffered too much and the treatments were so awful. My heart breaks thinking how brave he was. The future fills me with fear and dread. Please know you are not alone in your thoughts. Not that that is any consolation, but sometimes it does help to know we all feel the same on this group. I’m sorry we are all part of this group but I’m thankful for it all the same. Sending you lots of love. Keep posting. Together we will try and get through this x

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Eamonn1957, sorry for your loss. What an awful time for you and your family. I too wish we could physically attend a bereavement group. Hopefully once Covid restrictions change, groups will open up. Me and my kids were offered counselling through the hospice but 5 weeks after my husband passed away and we haven’t heard anything. Luckily the school are looking out for them too. I pray they dont feel as broken inside as I do. One day at a time sounds like a good strategy. Even a whole day seems too long sometimes. Take care x

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. It’s so heartbreaking that everyone is feeling the same and yet it does help to know you’re not alone. I am so scared of the future I can’t imagine it without him. Everything just seems so empty. I cried all day yesterday because it had been a month and we’d never really been apart. When he was in hospital we messaged and called constantly. He was my best friend. I’m so grateful for the support so thank you all and sending thoughts back to you all xx

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Oh my gosh! My story is so similar. I married my husband in August of this year and now he’s gone. We did not know je was ill. This is a crazy, almost ridiculous place to be. I can t get my head around it as I am guessing you can’t either. I would love to chat to you privately, the quiet times.are the hardest x Hope that right now you are able to think straight, I know.that the majority of the time my head is so confused. All the love x

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Our hearts are broken x my live to you x

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I am so sorry x it’s all so traumatic x so many different things to grieve x I have found in the 3.5 weeks since my husband died x At first, I could not wait to get back to him at.the chapel of rest, now that time is here and I will see him tomorrow, I am.feeling different, like it’s part of the responsibility… but then, I still can not wait to see him again even if it is for.the very last time. I am.broken for me and now I am broken for all of you x

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I’m so sorry for loss and thank you for your reply. I understand your desire not to carry on and yet the knowledge that your loved one really wouldn’t that for you forces you to try. I’ve always been such a positive person and yet now I struggle to find any meaning in anything. As you say everything is complicated by covid. Your diary idea is a good one and one I think I will adopt. There was so much that only the 2 of us shared and maybe writing it down would help. And yes they will never be forgotten.

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Mrs C and Cinders21 my heart goes out to you both. Life is just so unfair. Sending you both lots of love x

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I am so sorry, x thank you x my heart is breaking for all of you too x Tina G, you are not alone and it’s Ok to not be Ok, although I have tried to read the book … it’s too hard at the moment x bless you all and let’s hope we all find strength to continue x

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@Cinders21 good luck tomorrow at the Chapel of Rest. All the best and take care x

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@cinders21 I hope you find some peace when you go to the Chapel of Rest. I was concerned as to how I would feel when I went to see Karen, it was obviously emotional, but it was also very peaceful and my last opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me.

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Hi everyone. It is sad that we need someone else to be going through what we are in order to feel a little better. Yet that is what the lesser known verse of The Serenity Prayer tells us…Good grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference…now the lesser known verse…I sought my soul, I could not see, I sought my God, he eluded me, I sought my brother (and sister) and found all three. It is only someone who has gone through our pain that really understands so you are all my brothers and sisters in grief. Take care everyone x

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I went to bed last night feeling suicidal and even looked on the internet for the least painful way to go. There were various articles as I looked at page one of the list of replies, I looked over at my favourite photo of Linda and she seemed to smile at me. I then did something I very rarely do…I went onto page two and then to page 3 and here I found an article about why it is futile to take your life. It compared it to taking a gamble. It described how a man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge and survived said to himself on the way down…I really am in trouble now. It wasn’t that he wanted to die, he just wanted the pain to go away. His next day could have been his best yet in grieving and could have led to more good days. Some people consider it fir financial reasons - security for their loved ones left behind. But you would be gambling not only with your own life but those of family and friends who would be saying…what ifs…why didn’t I see…they could feel so guilty they themselves could become depressed and even suicidal! You could have given them money now as a gift and be there to see their joy at your generosity
Some people contemplate and do it as an expressive act of love and anger that they have lost their soulmate. Instead of gambling with their life and others…why not take you anger out in the gym or in a boxing club? This article from nowhere has changed my whole thought re suicide…I am NOT for gambling my life away or that of others. My Queen would not want me to and I believe she guided me from what I believe was my rock bottom last night to one of my best days today. I still had tears today but I was more like my old self…take care everyone x

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Eamomn I find not know about the serenity prayer second verse.

Both your posts were helpful to me, thank you.

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