I wrote the longest letter ever to give to my wonderful husband when I saw him in the chapel of rest for the final time. I actually visited him 3 times in the chapel, once for our 38th wedding anniversary, then with our children & then for the 4 of us to say goodbye. This was something I had to do. I’m not in a good place, cry constantly more & more as the long lonely weeks drag by.b
Although I’d love to be with my husband, I would put our children through more heartache. My husband had cancer so no choice in leaving us. I have the choice. I’m also persuing a complaint against the hospital for negligence. I feel it’s the last thing I can do for him. I keep his ashes next to my bed with his photo & a rose. I talk to him all the time. Love & virtual hugs to all of you have lost the most important person in your life. X
I feel the same as you. Just want to be with my husband but have my children to think of and would never do anything to hurt them. I’ve promised them I will do everything possible to stay healthy for as long as humanly possible so I don’t leave this world before my time. Big hugs to you KG47. The visits to the chapel of rest are hard. I did find a tiny ounce of comfort because my husband looked at peace. He didn’t look like himself just before he passed. Cancer had taken its toll. Lots of love to you and everyone else on this site. Who’d have thought life would be so sad
I’m feeling the same things as you currently. I don’t think anybody can understand my feelings of devastation and the loss of the years we had ahead of us, we have been robbed.
Suzanne 13, I am so very sad you are here and you have list too x
You are not rambling…My partner of 30 years died on the 10/10/2020 and i also feel lost and scared .Please reach out if you can and keep talking i feel this is the worst thing that has ever happened to us.I am writing this at 5am been awake since 3am reading here and i echo everything you are feeling
@Deborah1 me too. I’m so sad and scared. Going to try again to sleep now as need to get dressed to do the bins in a few hours (a job my husband always did, our bins have to be locked up as kids steal them to burn in this area, I struggle with the locks everytime which is why my husband did it, eventhis little task is a big deal to me now).
goodnight x
Morning …I understand all you are saying the bins used to
be his job and it’s things like that that break us up more.
A lorry crashed into the side of my car yesterday and it was
my fault I know I’m not thinking straight …I worry about
you even though we have never met and hope today goes well…Please keep talking and and friends or not and they
do help but really we are alone with our grief and that sounds negative but it’s people on this site who have lost
that you can pour your heart out too…every emotion you
are feeling we feel it too…Please keep posting I disappeared for a while and regret it I read all the posts and
send my love to all of us. Hope you put the bins out ok?
One foot in front of the other my luv…that’s all we can do
and don’t give up …
It breaks my heart to read your post. The reason I came onto Sue Ryder and yours is the first post I have read is that when I lost my husband of 49 years I found the people loved it when i was bright and behaved well, ie knew that I would have to go forward, but if I said I am at the same time lost and in terrible pain they would answer as you say, ‘You have to be grateful for what you had’! I was SO GRATEFUL for those years, of course, which is why one could survive at all. But all you need is to be able to grieve and have someone maybe even grieve with you. If you don’t now it will become harder ever do so. WE are hopeless in this country and of course you are devastated. Nobody understands till they have been there. It is also so hard to take the fact that they are nowhere. I will be thinking of you and sending out my warmest wishes and love and respect your pain. Antoinette
@Deborah1 I missed the bins as had a bad meltdown. Later in the day recovered though and went to my mums and been holding it together since but can feel another one coming on, trying to resist it as I know there are a lot worse off than me but I just can’t confront this knowledge he is really dead. I can pretend for a little while but the cracks keep coming no matter how hard im trying. I can’t believe my main activity is now reading or typing into sue ryder forum which I hadn’t even heard of 6vwks ago . not to say I’m not grateful to have you all but…
I know luv and the meltdowns just come from nowhere
this is the hardest thing we will ever do and no amount of
well meaning comments help…the pain is enormous my Ma
n I get the Saturday Times article in there from a lass and her mother they both lost their husbands/partners at nearly the same time I know what you gonna say they had each other for support …yes and no grief is personal to us
I read the article and it made sense .We looking for something to make it easier to bear but I have no answers my love just one foot in front of the other daily …hourly even…keep talking it doesn’t matter you on this site a lot
just breathe and I feel what you are feeling and so do all of us on here …I miss my Chris so very much x
Never mind others right now it’s about you …
Gosh it is so painful…only those who have lost a loved one like you have can understand your pain. Everywhere I turn I see things that remind me of Linda. When I awaken in the morning and before I go to sleep she is my first and last thought. I am looking at her now and I am saying where have you gone? None of our loved ones wanted to leave us - they loved us but they have gone to another place and they suffer no longer which is such a comfort to me when at my lowest. All I know is that she is looking after me and always will. She won’t me to grieve forever. Instead she wants me to live a new way and love her still but in a new way…she has gone physically but not spiritually. Our departed loved ones want us to be happy but to never forget, to still have them in our new lives where they cannot be…try to live life now but in a different way with your loved ones…eamonn x
So true my luv…so true…All around is Chris from morning until night. I cannot feel him looking after me though I just feel his absence and have you found that other things happen because of grief…I crashed the car last week the
downstairs loo broke and the gutters overflowed …just
stuff I know but seems so overwhelming…I know you miss
Linda so and I read your posts and they resonate with me
Sooo angry with the NHS who I feel failed him when he needed care and was a Nurse for 30 years …Hope tomorrow a better day and hope that lovely lady put her bins out …
Linda was the one who organised everything, who reminded me to do things, usually kind and thoughtful things. I would look at the things that have happened to you as connections to Chris. Your concentration isn’t quite there, thinking of Chris…I find that when I am driving I am almost in autopilot…wondering sometimes how did I get home…I have had a few near misses. Accidents happen every minute of the day…the important thing is no-one was hurt…Chris was there and made sure of that! Make sure you get your car checked over and get back behind the wheel asap and be safe!
Hi @Antoinette, I noticed that this was your first post, and I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your husband and that you’ve found people around you have not being supportive of you expressing your grief. I’m glad you’ve found this site, as this is a good place to be honest about your feelings and find people who understand.
I saw that you hadn’t had anyone reply directly to you yet, and hopefully someone will soon. But, as your post was a reply to a conversation started by someone else, you may also wish to try starting a new conversation yourself, which can sometimes get noticed more easily.
That’s a lovely reply Eamonn and I will try to be less cynical and angry . Thankyou for replying to me and you be very
careful too I’m pleased no one was hurt and accidents do happen all the time I live near a city so see them daily.Good luck to everyone on here and one step at a time
Thankyou …your post resonated with me
Thank you Priscilla. I am so grateful for that. My husband died six years ago so I slightly have my head down. But I have never found it possibly to express to anyone how I really fell. I came on because I was so moved by a man on the radio who said he is broken and silent himself as no one wants to know and that say only how lucky he was to have those years.
I lost five babies too from 8 1/2 months down and have done loads of inner work on it as in my early days, I am 83, you had to be good so I never thought of talking about it. Then in middle years I collapsed. Loss will take its toll. But even now I long for a forum where I can talk about it openly, grief in general because the death of my father at five, when I was not told he was dead, has haunted my whole life. I have tried to find one. But in this kind of forum I feel maybe everyone is there for their own story and I can’t think they would be interested,. One needs a live group I think where you can give and receive. I’d love to be able to support too.
I don’t know how to start another conversation?
I am in trouble at the moment as I’ve had a massive oil spill at the top of my sloping garden. There are loads of old wells around here and the ground goes across the road to more houses and down into a valley with
a big stream. My neighbour and family had to move out of their house yesterday as they are all ill. It is in their kitchen. The engineers to remove the joy of my life, my wonderful garden may not start for 1-2 months apparently and they can’t take up the neighbour’s kitchen floor till mine is dealt with, so - dire. We all may be out over Christmas. I am terrified it is working its way to there road.
So I may not be contributing much for while. Now my boiler has also died so no heating or water. I have to wait till I know if they will have to dig under the boiler house!! And with Covid alone maybe out for Christmas! Wow Priscilla you got it all. I am so sorry.
Now I must ring the loss adjuster!
Very best wishes to you.
Hi Antionette…so true…the only people who truly understand are your friends and now my growing group of friends on this site. At times I get sick of hearing of hearing…“be positive…she wouldn’t want you to…time is a great healer”…the old cliches. But then I say to myself they care but just don’t know what to say for the best. They are feeling awkward like we feel awkward when venturing out into social situations again. No-one is born with a manual on how to deal with life. In a way I am really glad that that is not the case - we would all be clones. For me it gets to a point sometimes when I say…thanks you for your kind thoughts and I truly hope you are never put in the position I am in now with this pain of loss. You can see in their eyes a realisation of yes I can’t truly comprehend. It is such a difficult situation as everyone has your best intentions at heart. Take care.
I met someone out walking who I’ve spoken to before but we are not close friends. She told me she’d been diagnosed with leukaemia that means semi-constant chemo, but she’s feeling quite well. I then told her that my husband had died. She said, ‘oh my God! I wondered why I hadn’t seen him for a while…’
She then said two things. One was, ‘I simply don’t know what to say.’
The other was, ‘you’ll find people avoiding you. They shy away…’
So very true. We talked for a few minutes after that, and I told her that she’d uttered the wisest and most compassionate words I’ve heard in the last 10 weeks. ‘I simply don’t know what to say,’ is so true and compassionate. It’s honest and caring.
Hugs to all, Christie xxx