I lost my partner of 30 years nearly 11 months ago and struggling to come to terms with the loss. Losing a partner to alcoholism is a very complicated type of grief. Alcoholism is a taboo subject and something I kept to myself for years, would cover up and make excuses. It was only when I realised that I was in a coercive and emotionally abusive relationship that I started to open up to friends and family. I don’t feel great talking about someone who is no longer able to defend themself however I feel I need to open up in order to grieve and move on. I’m sure I am not alone and others have been in the same situation. I first realised he had a drinking problem half way through our relationship and it got worse during Covid, he would act very weird and have hallucinations. We always just thought he was intoxicated but since his death I have found out about hepatic encephalopathy and believe he may have had this, we didn’t realise how ill he really was or to the extent of his drinking. He would disappear for hours and drink in secret, hide bottles and he lost all interest in family life. As a result he lost his driving licence and an amazing job. I always thought it was me that was the problem. He was very jealous and possessive from day one. He had a fixation with my previous relationships and thought he was never good enough, yet it was ok for him to talk to other women, one rule for one. I never gave him any reason to believe he couldn’t trust me and loved him despite the way he treated me. I always hoped things would get better which is why I stayed for so long. I initially moved out for a week to my parents in the hope he would get help but he didn’t even notice I’d gone! Any referrals we made for support he would ignore. I finally left him 11 months prior to his passing but he just became worse, I also left for my own sanity, not a decision I made lightly. He would plead with me to go back, send me gifts, say he couldn’t do it without me or would even threaten suicide, followed by nasty texts and accusing me of having affairs and calling me a liar. Then in the next breath say he’d been offered a job and act normal, it totally messed with my head. I just thought he was manipulating me and whenever we were civil it would just escalate and turn nasty again. I was concerned about him and I just couldn’t cut ties but also thought the chaos would never end. I even reported him for stalking me as it was starting to unnerve me. Friends would tell me to block him but I just couldn’t.
Last August he became severely jaundiced and was admitted to hospital after he initially refused and was in denial. After various tests he was diagnosed with decompensated liver disease and went downhill from there with various complications. He’d had a seizure the year before and the alcohol team referred him for a scan on his liver, I found out he never attended it, only finding the letter whilst he was in hospital. His notes also stated he should not give up alcohol ( I think they meant abruptly without help) so this was a green light to carry on! I sat with him daily for 3 weeks during his time in ICU and on dialysis and watched his rapid decline, the worse thing I’ve ever had to witness and I still have visions of him lying there after passing. Whilst in hospital he could no longer speak and we never resolved our differences which leaves me ridden with guilt. Stupidly, I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss him until the end as I didn’t want him to think we were back together, I always thought he would get better. However, if he had made it out I know I would have gone back home to nurse him. I don’t feel any anger towards him and I’ve swept the past chaos under the carpet. I just feel sadness and lonely, with lots of unanswered questions. My children still live with me so I do have support but they have their own lives to live.
I have recently contacted Cruse because I’m not feeling any better and awaiting 1-1 counselling, I will also attend a support group in September. I’m hoping that hearing it from someone else’s perspective I can overcome the guilt and constant thoughts in my head.
I live my life every day with a smile for everyone to see and I do have times of happiness but they don’t really know how I feel inside. Unless you’ve lived this life they just don’t understand.
I am wondering if anyone else has lived in a toxic relationship, lost their partner and grieving too?
So sorry for your loss. You should not hold yourself to account for your partners choices. I know from experience that you cannot help if they do not wish for help and yet the guilt for not being able to save them remains yours to own it you allow it to. Not to mention the heartbreak that endures from not being able to stop loving them while they destroy themselves. All I can say is your life is your most precious possession and every new dawn is yours to own as well, if you choose to… One day the sun will shine again, just for you, believe that. Just try to be kind to yourself, that is enough for you to focus on for now…
I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner. It’s really good that you’ve reached out for support here, and with Cruse.
Sadly, many of our members have experienced the loss of a partner to addiction and will understand some of what you’re going through. If you click this link, you can read some of their threads. @Steve551posted about his wife quite recently, if you would like to connect with him.
Just thought I’d come here to say I know exactly how you feel. I lost my fiancé to a cocaine overdose and heart attack, but he was also a very jealous, controlling and in my case, I experienced physical, financial and emotional abuse. When I left him, it led him to spiral on a 5 day cocaine binge, leading to his death.
I completely understand how you feel, on the basis that you had to do what’s right to get away from the way he made you feel, but you also loved him deeply. The feeling of loving someone doesn’t just go away because they wronged you, hell, I stayed with him long after he started lying, stealing and cheating. And the pain of losing someone you care about does leave you feeling almost breathless at times, I’ve even thought many times about taking my own life since it happened.
I think we need to remember why we left them, what actions led us to realising this was not the right man for us, and understanding that we had to do the right thing for US. And most importantly not to blame ourselves for their demise, which is really easy to do, as he usually made me feel like the way he acted was always my fault, I’m almost programmed to believe that now. You’ll have wonderful memories which you should never take away from, and remember him the way you see fit, but also not be too hard on yourself to move on because of his life choices. Drugs and alcohol are a disease and by the time the person passes, there’s not much left of the person we loved. I saw the way he looked the day he died; he was a demon by then, the man I loved was gone.
Thank you for your support and encouragement to open up. It’s good to know I am not alone in the circumstances of my grief and there are other people out there who have experienced the same
Thank you for you kind words @Matt9@schofs15@Steve551 at a time when you are also grieving, for a lot of us not in great circumstances. It’s good to hear we are not alone and talking about it really helps. However difficult, it is good to open up in order to move on It would be good to report back once I’ve had my counselling and see if I feel different about it all and my guilt.
@MrsD0ubtfire - so sorry to read of your loss, I lost my wife of 37 years in 2013 and I can completely relate to your story, I would like to offer some things that helped me, I was lucky to work with someone who was an AA counsellor who gave me some really good advice that helped me. There is an organisation called Al-Anon (https://al-anonuk.org.uk/) which is run by Alcoholics Anonymous specifically for the family members of alcoholics There are groups everywhere across the UK and he encouraged me to go to one of their meetings and to try to go at least 6 times. I would encourage you to try them, they really helped me, I got out of it what I needed in 6 visits but many people there go continuously and in my group there were people who like you, had lost their alcoholic partner. The group were all welcoming without being patronising and they each know and understand what you are going through and I felt it really helpful to listen to them, share my story and it really helped with the guilt because you realise with their help that you have absolutely nothing to be guilty for, I found it a huge help. I would urge you to have the courage to give the local group a call and attend a couple of meetings, it helped me and I am sure it would help you. I found that Alcoholics anonymous and Al-Anon are the only people I talked to who could actually relate to my experiences and that really helped. Do have a go if you can. Very best wishes Duncan
Apologies for the delay in responding @DSC
I have been on a much needed break with my friend. Thank you so much for this information about Al-Anon, I did contact them recently but was in 2 minds as I felt like it was too late and after the event. However on reading this and you saying there were people there in the same circumstances I will consider going. It will be the anniversary of my partners passing in 2 weeks time and I’m still going over the same old stuff in my head.
Hope you are ok yourself, I see you have had a lot of grief to deal with and it doesn’t go away even after 12 years. I note a comment you made about being everyone else’s rock, I know exactly what you mean. I have always been the strong person in our family but feel I now need to start thinking about my own wellbeing
@MrsD0ubtfire - no need to apologise and I am glad that you are thinking of going to a meeting, I am sure it will help, I found it a relief to talk to people who were going through what I was and even to compare notes about our experiences. You will find that you are definitely not alone. Just to reassure you , in the group I attended there were several people who had lost their partners years ago but kept coming because of the support of being with people who have been through the same thing brings.
Thank you for you kind wishes, I am not in a good place at the moment having had a few anxiety issues recently, I remarried about 2 years after my wife died and sadly my second wife developed MND and I lost her 2 years ago after nursing her for 3 years. So I have a double whammy of grief. I am having grief counselling which will hopefully get me into a better mind-set.
Thank you Duncan. I hope the grief counselling helps you overcome your anxiety issues. I have become increasingly aware of how fragile life can be since my partner passed only aged 54 and more concerned about the safety of our children even though they are now adults. My mother in law is quite fragile too since she lost her son so I am having to stay strong for her. Hopefully I will be a grandparent one day and things will start to look brighter. My parents are not getting any younger although they enjoy life and are reasonably fit and healthy. I try to make more time to see them and I’ve started researching our family trees so that takes my mind off things for a bit. Take care too and let us know how the counselling goes.
Thank you - I will. One thing though, something you said about be concerned about your family strikes a cord, my counsellor recommends this book ‘Its OK that you’re not OK’ by Megan Devine - I got mine from Amazon for about £9. I thoroughly recommend it. I was hesitant at first but I gave it ago and I think that like me, you will see yourself in it. As I read it I would come across a section and think ‘That’s me! I do that too!’ Megan is a counsellor and this book is the result of her findings when she lost her partner. It is very readable and I’m glad I bought it. Take care - Duncan
Thanks for the recommendation Duncan, I will definitely look this up. I have a few books I’ve bought and yet to read, including one from Al-Anon called Transforming Our Losses
