I really don’t know where to post this. I’m so confused. I’ll just start typing I guess. 5 years ago today, my step son died by suicide. My wife and I were completely devastated and I never really got over it before my wife died.
But somehow this date had totally slipped my mind until I got to work. I had to date a form and when I did I realized the significance of this day. I broke down and managed to get out of there before anyone noticed my distress. Now I’m home, bouncing off of the walls. I used to always take this date off from work so that my wife and I could comfort each other and reminisce about our son’s life. It’s always been a sad day for us, but now there isn’t an us any more. It’s just me left to crumble all alone.
When we moved into this house, there were four of us and my dog. Now all I’ve got is four boxes filled with ashes sitting on a shelf, waiting for me to die so that they can all be scattered together. The reality of it all is just starting to hit home, I think.
How could I forget this day? It was always so important to us. And to add to it all, the date of my wife’s passing is this Friday. Man, I hate April. To be honest, I don’t know why I dwell on these dates. I can’t help it. I have to find something new to do on this day but I don’t know what that will be.
My mind’s running a thousand miles an hour right now, and yet I’m tired. Someday I’ll figure this grief thing out but obviously that won’t be today. Sorry if I seem scattered, but I guess I am.
I guess I’ll try to sleep for a while. Sometimes there’s peace in sleep, or at least a chance to escape the emotions. I just miss everyone so badly and these dates only seem to make it worse. I’ll get through this. Somehow I always do.
Just wanted to let you know you have been heard and that I emphasise. I’m so sorry for your losses! Those important days are hard, it’s just a number, but yet so fraught with memories and pain. I had one of those dates myself during Easter. Reality hits you like a sledgehammer and you reel from the blow. The only time my mind stops racing is when I sleep, though sometimes a walk in nature can help a little too. Sending hugs!
I understand, dates seem to open wounds again, I forgot my wedding anniversary and felt terrible, but i reminded myself it’s just a date & remind myself that I am but human.
Dates are meaningful. And before our losses they were once a shared experience with our life partners . Your mind is full of grief you can’t possibly remember everything including dates that are significant . They were important to you both, and now , it’s all been turned upside down ! Which way is up! My memory has been impacted on in an unhelpful way since the death of my husband.
I’m sending you kindness and compassion , take it and show love to yourself x
@cclay
I don’t know if this will help or not but I have had several losses and I have come to realise why do we focus on the “D day”? The person had a whole wonderful life so why do we think of the end the last day? Try and refocus on their lives and happy memories. Your stepson and wife would surely want you to remember nice times. We all do it but I personally decided I will not think about the day they died, instead the day we met and the love we shared. Death and grief will not rob me of the person/s I love. Just a thought…
Throughout their lives, it was their birthdays that were important. I can tell you in an instant the birth date of my grandma, grandad and dad. But I’m not sure of the date that my grandma and grandad passed away. To me, their birthday is their special day .
Please don’t beat yourself over this. Dates are going to be hard, especially the “first” . It would have been our Anniversary this Friday. I’m going to mark it by buying the locket he wanted to get me at Christmas, then I shall take my Grandaughter to lunch, she was so super supportive while Roger was ill and they got really close. I don’t know how I’ll cope with the other dates. Hopefully I’ll be calmer then than I am now.
I agree, birthdays mark and occasion where they entered the world not left it. When it’s my time, I hope people remember me and my life not sit in pain because of the day I died. It’s easier said than done I know but why punish ourselves with more pain and heartbreak? I know he’s not here, I don’t need to be reminded of that day with additional pain. My husband certainly would want me to immortalise the day he left
Thank you all for listening. I agree that dates really aren’t that important when it comes to someone passing on. I think my meltdown came more from the memories that my wife and I shared on this day because yes, after the first couple of years we did celebrate his life on this day. We would laugh at the memories of his antics and remember that big, giant smile he would have when we were together.
We never really knew of his sadness. He hid it so well. He was a person who would drop everything just to help someone out. He loved his gaming and at times we just thought of him as a happy kid, even though he was in his thirties when he passed.
All I can say is that I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far without this support group. I’m so happy that I found you. Those internal feelings of grief can be so isolating at times. So much of what I’m experiencing since my wife’s passing made me feel inadequate. Like I wasn’t getting over the loss fast enough. I felt like I was weak because I was processing my loss the way I was.
But now I know I’m not quite so alone in this crazy world. That s lot of what I’m feeling is the same as others feel. For this, I am grateful.
@cclay I hear you and recognise what you’re going through. I find myself being drawn to areas where I had shared experiences with my wife, our holidays breaks at Center Parcs Longleat, or trip to Washington DC etc. My son asked why would I want to go where I will be so upset, I think I’m mentally looking to stay connected, I fear losing that connection. I don’t want life to ‘move on’, possibly you feel similarly? As others have said the dates don’t matter, the memories will stay with us for evermore.
@Liro It’s only thoughts at this time and I plan them in my head, visiting the shop she loved, the lodge we stayed in, the bench in DC where we ate custard filled donuts. I suspect I’m simply searching for somewhere that will give me the connection I crave. My son understandably sees it more being painful and disappointing - he may well have a point.
Im just searching gor anything, anything to ease the heartbreak. Since the funeral I seem to have gone downhill. I know I need to pick myself up but how? My friends and family tell me I’m doing ok. One step at a time. I dont feel like Im doing ok
It was only after the funeral that it really hit me and for a couple of months it was very very hard it’s still hard 10 months later but those first few weeks were the worst .Before the funeral you have so much to do and think about it doesn’t really hit you
Thankyou LyndaK. I suppose what I’m feeling is normal. I feel like I’m drowning but there aremany hands trying to pull me out. I’ve just got to be able to reach them, I keep slipping back
Wilderness you dont say how far into this journey you are. I cant ever seeing a time when I will want to go to places we went together, just the two of us, happy in each others company
So sorry for you eildetness, I’m 6 1/2 weeks in and dont know how I’m going to mske it. But I’m going to try, I promised him I’d be o
We were together for 42 years. Hurts like hell doesnt it
I was just thinking that just a few minutes ago . The daylight was just fading and I thought I miss you so so much and it triggered off my tears . It hurts so badly Liro
Tomorrow I’ve got a 6 months diabetic check . He would be saying hope it goes well and would later be asking me how it went . But tomorrow no one will be asking me . Such a small thing Liro but it represents so many other experiences now that are unwanted .
I’m so sorry for your losses! Those important days are hard, it’s just a number, but yet so fraught with memories and pain. I had one of those dates myself during Easter. Reality hits you like a sledgehammer and you reel from the blow. The only time my mind stops racing is when I sleep, though sometimes a walk in nature can help a little too. Sending hugs!
