Constant Pain

I lost my soul mate and husband of 23 years in June this year. It was a sudden death with absolutely no warning. He got home from a long bike ride on the Sunday morning and within an hour of getting home, I found him dead in our bedroom. I performed CPR and listened from my son’s bedroom while the paramedics worked on him knowing in my heart that it was too late. He was 57. I am completely broken. The events of that day are on a constant loop in my head. It almost feels like it has been one endless day since that moment yet everyone else seems able just to carry on as if nothing has happened. I am dreading this weekend and the closer Christmas Day gets the more panicked I get. I just needed to post somewhere where people would understand where I am coming from. Thank you for reading.


Sara 5
I think we all understand your awful pain. I’m afraid there is no quick fix but I can assure you that the pain does lessen slowly but after two years of widowhood I now accept that the pain will always be there, albeit a bit easier I sadly can’t believe there will be a time when I think I will be over the pain. Love to everyone who is suffering this awful loss.


I couldn’t have put it better myself Sara. It’s been 20 months for me and yes it does lessen (the pain) but it never goes away. You just learn to live along side it. The pain and loneliness is sometimes overwhelming but I feel that’s all part of the grieving process. I doubt if my broken heart will never mend and honestly, I don’t want it to. I never want to forget the love we had for each other and weirdly the sadness just reminds me of that love I have lost.

Stay strong everyone.
Sending big hugs :hugs:


You have echoed what I feel with regards to hating the pain but at the same time not wanti g it to go away. I fear that if the pain goes away it means my love for him is lessening.

Take care all.


I lost my soulmate of 40 years in June 2019. I haven’t been on this site for quite awhile now. It brought me comfort & understanding in those first months, and many to follow. Your words so move me, I need to reply.

You are still very new on this unchosen path. It is one step at a time, no matter how small. Your body,mind & spirit need time to heal from this terrible trauma you have suffered. Each of us survive & conquer our grief in our own time, at our own pace, to our own degree…

As incomprehensible as it seems, the world around us does keep moving & people don’t seem to care, or understand. Christmas pressures are not something you need to concern yourself with. You need to heal, and if that means saying “no, I’d prefer to be alone/at home/or whatever” do that. People should understand, or at least they should respect your right to spend Christmas any way you so desire. Keep it minimal this year…

Heal yourself, one tiny step at a time. Your wounds are raw and full of pain & you have no control in the beginning. This will pass with time .
They will still be there but it is different. Healing is a never ending task, but it becomes easier with time. Sorrow and sadness will always be with me, and I accept & am learning to embrace them.

The past is behind me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I tell myself this over & over when my mind overwhelms me. I tell myself “No! Do Not Go There” - and attempt to distract myself in any meaningless task/or outdoors/or music - It works sometimes…I can only imagine the pain you are going through on the endless loop my dear…and I wish I could offer you safe harbour.

Be gentle with yourself , be patient and be kind to yourself. There will come a time, if only a minute or a brief glimpse, when you will see joy - in a child’s smile, a sunset or the song of a bird…but that is the start of finding the light at the end of the tunnel…


Your words encourage me to keep trying to find new ways and new paths to travel down.
I lost my brother a few years ago, in fact I found him and tried to do CPR but sadly I was too late.
A year later I lost my soulmate, my everything, my true love ,my wonderful partner also unexpectedly . I am still suffering the shock and the trauma.
This year in July my mum also passed away. I have lost so many loved ones, in a short time.
Each Christmas I have been faced with new grief but somehow I muddle through ( like every other day) and I have to believe this Christmas I’ll do the same.

To everyone who is suffering; I find it’s small steps, ive learnt that the pain never goes away and you never stop missing those special people but you do learn in your own way how to cope and how to live again albeit in a different way.


It must get easier as tine goes by .it exhausting. I feel i am trying to cover it up in front of my son and daughter. I dont want them ruining their lives worrying about me so i pray for strength for tomorrow to enjoy xmas day with my son n partner n grand daughter.i find it hatd .but not as hard as being in strangers company .wh8ch i find totally a nightmare.


Hi Jan
I think it’s something we all do. My younger son and his family have just left. We had a lovely day. Went for a walk played some games and had a nice dinner. Now they’ve gone and I’m all alone I’ve lit a candle for my darling John in the bedroom window so he can see it from heaven. It makes me sad to see my children sad so I put on a brave face and we talk and laugh about their dad while at the same time my heart breaks a little more.

Let all try to get through tomorrow the best way we .

Warmest wishes


So true.i think as mothers our job is always to orotect our children. We will get through tomorrow and i also think we all will have our lifed ones with us .x



In time it gets easier to cope with the pain
I lost my husband 4 years ago just like you out of the blue found him at the bottom of our stairs tried to save him with CPR but I know he had gone

You will always be broken a part of you died when he died
But tomorrow you put on a brave face smile laugh be jolly
But inside you want to scream why did he have to go

Life is just not fair

Don’t cry because it is over
Smile because of all the memories you have made with him

We will all get through tomorrow as best as we can
Remember though
It is ok not to be ok

We are all here unfortunately for each other
Wishing everyone all the best not just for Christmas Day
But every day


Sara I understand that pain. My husband was also a sudden death, he was laughing and then seconds later gone. I too tried cpr, the ambulance crews did all they could. The shock is the same as ptsd. It took time for my physical symptoms to subside but the grief is still as strong four years on. Time doesn’t heal as people who are not bereaved say. We just learn to keep going through the motions until life gets easier to cope with. But Christmas, anniversaries etc are tough. Luckily there are always people on this site who understand, so reach out whenever you need too. It helped me. Xx


I feel for you and I wish I could tell you that the pain eases quickly, but I can’t. The firsts are the worst and you need to get those over with; can I suggest that you try to be as normal as possible for your son? There will be moments where you just want to cry, of course there will, but go with the flow. Your son will be feeling the same, so remember your husband together, past Christmases, the things he did that made you laugh, the things you did together, even what made you mad about him! But do it together and make sure you spend half an hour just for you, talk to him (your husband) he’ll let you know he’s there in some way (Sorry if you don’t believe in this) a robin in the garden, a white feather from nowhere, a song on the radio when you turn it on, even a smell around you, all of those happen. For me, it’s a robin all year round and a smell for both my parents, one lost 3 weeks before Christmas (and my birthday) the other a week into the New Year and 2 weeks before my youngest’s birthday.
Things will get a little better with each passing year, I promise, but for now, just go with the flow. Cry when you need to, but laugh, reach out to one another, remember him and most of all talk to one another. xx


I too believe this too we will kearn to live a different life .i miss Robert so very much its early days for me…last night i had a Chinese for tge first time it was Roberts favourite and the wee white feather appeared. Gave me a strange comfort of him watchingbover me and telling me everything will work out…lots of love and peace and contentment at Christmas xx


I feel your pain. I am so sorry for your loss.
My partner of 28 years passed away suddenly in May. He too had just come home from work on his bike, it was all so sudden. I have struggled since to accept what has happened and deal with the aftermath. I replay every detail of that day in my head.
I have found great comfort in this forum, and this is why on Christmas morning when I am feeling very low I am here with all you people xxx


I dont think we ever forget that person butbi oray we all folow a different life path.the pain must lessen through time and im trying to think of thee bext years as a different path…


It is so good to hear that the pain becomes easier to manage over time. I lost my Dad in April this year and I do really want to be happy, as Dad wants me to be happy, but it is so difficult - I think Dad is watching over me and praying for world peace. I have aches but I try to put a brave face in front of my daughter. Christmas Day is particularly difficult - one day at a time ,…

Love and light


I don’t believe the love for our lost loved one ever lessons. I lost my precious husband in Aug after 52 years of marriage. I have found my love has intensified, which I did not think possible as I adored my husband. So never worry about love lessening. They are always with us. Our relationship with them will never end. It is eternal.
Love and peace to everyone.


Yes, the love is eternal. I just hope I can live my best life for the sake of my Dad. I love him and always will for eternity. I just want him to be happy for the way I live my life. Dad, please help me. Wishing everyone peace and calm.

Love and light,


Hi Sara I lost my husband 14 weeks ago suddenly as well. We had just came back from holiday that night and in the early hours he said he had heartburn, I told him to take omiprazol and try to get a sleep as it would be with all the travelling , minutes later he was gone. The call handler talked me through CPR and myself and my son tried so hard but we both knew he was gone. I too play that on a loop practically 24hrs a day and keep wishing i had done things differently. I blame myself no matter how many people say they would have done the same.
He was 64 and had fought and won against cancer twice, life is so unfair!!


Why do we do the “if we had done this…” to ourselves? We did the same withy dad; if we’d made him go to the doctor earlier; if we’d insisted with the doctor that it wasn’t IBS; if we’d said we wanted tests doing earlier… the list goes on and on and even now, 13 years later I still ask myself why I didn’t do those things.
Try not to be so hard on yourself and get some help from counselling via Sue Ryder; their counsellor was amazing with my youngest daughter, communicating with her by email rather than in person because she suffers with GAD. She still says that the woman she spoke with saved her life, all this time later. She suffered badly with depression at 14 when my mum died and I didn’t want her going down that path again.
I know that it’s easier said than done, but please do be kind to yourself. Remember your husband and the happy times you had, cry when you need to, vent to a friend (and I know that it’s surprising who sticks around and who doesn’t!), take it out on an inanimate object like a pillow, anything to get your feelings out in the open, don’t bottle it all up. And as I’ve said to Tahereh, watch for those signs, when he’s well enough they’ll happen, only small things, but they will come! xx