Coping mechanisms

Hi. I know this is early, but my loving partner of 30 years passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago. We had no children and at the age of 63, retired I’m on my own.
Although the funeral was only a couple of days ago, I am having difficulty sleeping, eating and my mind is reliving all the things I should have said and done. I feel as though I am in a dream and I will wake up. I have a few friend who I usually only had contact with if we went out for a night. I used to go to the gym but I don’t feel motivated at all, haven’t slept more than 4 hours per night. I am trying to get out the house to occupy my mind but can’t just walk round town all day or round the supermarket. I tried to call Cruise, may have spelt it wrong, but they don’t have anyone to talk to in this area.
I know it’s early but I sit watching t.v., can’t watch things we watched together, get the same paper we read, can’t do that. I know I am going through the grieving process but unsure what I should be doing.

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Hi, I am 3 months down the line and I went through exactly what you are, I felt as though I was in shock, I think whatever you do you will feel the same, I got some herbal tablets that made me sleep longer, in respect of eating I bought ready meals, easy to cook and eat, I too still find thoughts go over and over in my head, I don’t know when that eases, I try to remember that we have been through a traumatic experience and it will take time to go through it, I never realised you could feel this much pain and survive it.

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Flower garden. Thanks. I know it’s terrible. My mum passed away suddenly 3 years ago, my dad 2 and a half. They were 83 and my dad was 89. My partner had lost her parents who she cared for and adored. They had a good life, but my partner was only 63 and it was sudden in our home. Yes, sure it is shock. You can’t believe it’s happened and the whole course of your future dissapears in a second. I know how you feel. Hopefully things will improve with time and I send you my best regards and wishes for the future.

My husband was only 60, the plans you have for retirement gone, makes you wonder now about all the worries you have about retirement, not realising you might not get there, I lost my father 6 months before again to cancer, I was very close to him but my husbands loss is truly traumatic, I try not to think about the future and just concentrate on being a bit like a robot, eating, going to bed, going to work, I’m hoping that with time the shock will ease and I can remember happy times & hope that when my tome comes we will be together again.

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I send you my best wishes for the future.

I wish you well on your journey,

Dear Leslie22
I lost my husband 20 weeks ago, it’s our 41st anniversary today. Last Year’s cards are up. I have only just started watching tv dramas. I just couldn’t concentrate before. Friends used today, ‘ what do you do in the evening ‘I honestly didn’t know. I just wandered around. I too wish I had said more as my husband was in hospital. But I’m beginning to realise that we didn’t always need to talk, we could almost read each other’s mind. Before he became ill we would sit holding hands watching tv. Not saying anything, just being together. It was a comfortable silence. Friends say that I’m so strong and doing really well, but they only see me when I meet them. They don’t see me in my dark moments. This is a horrible boat to be in for all of us. The vicar said to me that when the anguish of bereavement begins to pass we remember the good times. I’m still waiting for that. You will begin to pick up things again. Give yourself time. I try to give myself one challenge a day. Something simple. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Take care.

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Montague. Thank you. I concur with your feelings. My relationship with my partner for 30 years was strong. We had our ups and downs like every couple be we were devoted. My partner passed away suddenly. My few friends have family, I have no parents or siblings. I have found it particularly difficult over the last few days. Yes looking at the t.v. Just to pass time. I wish I was still at work but retired 2 years ago. I hope and send you my best wishes. I have been told by an old friend, who lives away to take my time, eat well and look after myself but I feel as though I am living in a dreamscape, it’s not happened. I understand exactly how you feel and it is difficult but I hope and wish you well.

Condolences and sending hugs…

I read a book on grieving and looked on the internet and tried in the word grieving and also went on you tube and typed in grief and listen to tedx talk and that helped me understand. How to process…
I also have a grief journal as well. My husband passed away 17 weeks today. We were together 20 years. …
I do struggle every day…

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Thanks Lucy. My partner passed away 3 weeks to the day. There does not appear to be any support available in my area. I live alone, parents have passed away and I have no siblings. It is so hard filling the day in now. We were together and had both retired early. The loneliness is unbearable. Today I walked into town, left the car, thought that would eat half an hour up. Sat in the sun. Bought a paper, sat in the pub with 1 beer for 1 and a half hours. Walked home. Never would I have done this when we were together. The phone doesn’t ring, I don’t like bothering everyone to disrupt their plans. I am trying my best but I’m dreading the next day. Thank you for your kindness and I wish you well.

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Hi Leslie 22,
I have just read your post and was wondering how you are doing. I’m really sorry for your loss and I’m sure many people have said it is early days for you.
My partner of 30 years suddenly passed away last November, so it has now been a year for me. I have been through all the emotions you are going through and I still have my bad days. I can now watch tv programmes we used to watch together and listen to music we liked. I was able to go in the garden, as long as I was doing something, but I’ve got two dogs to keep me occupied. They made me get up, go out, and I don’t know what I would have done without them. We had no children, but I have got two brothers for support, and I still see Simons dad and brother. As they say, just take one day at a time.
Take care
Janet x

Hi janet. Well I am really struggling on. What a bad time of year this is for people who have a bereaved partner. I walk around endlessly watching couples holding hands. The loneliness is terrible, particularly on an evening.
I just walked back from town today muttering along to myself. I don’t know how I have managed so far. Having no siblings or a pet does me no favours.
Thank you for your kind wishes. I wish I could say I’m improving.

Hi Leslie you are not alone in your feelings. It’s seems to be what we have to go through. The pain is like nothing else ever suffered. I certainly never expected this. I am a year on now and thought I would be coping better. I suppose on paper I’m not doing too bad. I love gardening and have our allotments to care for and they can certainly keep me busy. I have our garden, I enjoy walking and go off for hours into the countryside. But above all I also have my two dogs and they have kept me going. Their love is unconditional, my house doesn’t seem empty and the welcome I receive when returning home is wonderful. I have to get up in the morning when I feel so miserable. I have to go out and walk and through this I meet other people and walk and chat with them. If I have a day when I am struggling then I go out for a walk with the dogs. I would advise anybody in our situation to think about getting a pet. I prefer a dog and there are plenty in rescue centres awaiting loving homes. If not sure consider fostering a dog. Contact a local rescue centre. Pets will give you so much love and it will help. My dogs are rescue dogs and we rescued each other.
Take care and thinking of you.

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Thank you Pattidot. I really appreciate your kind words.
Many Thanks.

Hi ladies. There are so many people like us feeling lonely and not knowing what to do. I am 45 and am considering joining WAY (widowed and young). They organise meets and social events in regions. There is also way up for over 50s who are widowed. https://way-up.co.uk/
I don’t know what it’s like but it might help with the loneliness over Christmas as there might be people near us who will understand but also want to get out and about…even if it’s just meeting up for a coffee. I wish you all well and hope we can find company to fill some of these winter days x

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Hi Leslie 22,
The nights are the worst, especially this time of year. Watching the Christmas adverts and seeing people busy Christmas shopping. I still find it difficult to sleep most nights too. I know you are struggling, and you aren’t alone feeling that way. I keep being told how strong I am, but they don’t see me when I’m alone, in the house that we shared for 24 years. I do see a counsellor once a month, just to get things off of my chest, and it has helped me. I’ve been going since January. I know it’s not for everybody. I just think about today and don’t think any further than that.
I just miss him.
Take care
Love
Janet x

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Hi Pattidot,
I am now a year on and I don’t feel much different. I have learned to live by myself, I don’t like it, but I have survived. As you say, it’s having your dogs that makes the difference. They need to go out, get fed, made a fuss of. Sometimes I feel I just want to stay in bed in the mornings, but you can’t with two dogs jumping on you! I did some cementing paving stones in the summer and that was therapeutic, but now it’s dark and wet. I think you told me about your dogs before, but what have you got?
Take care
Love
Janet x

Janet. I see a councillor every 2 weeks. I feel I can manage after I come out but it isn’t long before I’m in the deep black hole again soon.
It’s the regret guilt all the things associated with bereavement and grief.
I’m totally stuck in my new life and my health is not great.

I do wish like all you ladies I could express myself as you do. I am often the odd man out in so many conversations. All my messages are from ladies. I know, men find it difficult to express emotions which is sad. Some can but most don’t. Men have a feminine side to their nature just as women have a male side. This is psychologically true. If only men would develop their feminine side more they could save themselves a lot of grief. I suppose talking to people over the years has enabled me to express emotions better. But it’s still difficulty at times. It’s like crying. ‘Men don’t cry’ us boys are told, and that sticks in my generation especially. I do and in no way does it bother me. We guys need to open up more. I spoke to a man recently who had lost his partner. I suggested this site but he thought it would make him more miserable and anyway, he could cope. Typically a male response. A woman would have said she would give it a try and thank you.
Ok ladies, it’s always a pleasure to talk to you all, so keep going and posting such lovely helpful posts. XXX.

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Hi Janet. Like you some mornings I dread getting up. I wasn’t like this in the early days though, it seems to have appeared over the last month or two.
My dogs sleep upstairs with me and please themselves where they go. Now it’s colder they seem to prefer getting down into the bed with me. I don’t mind we all cuddle up together, they are such a comfort. I get dirty looks from them when it’s time for their walk. One of them is a little terrier X and a cheeky chappie with a mind of his own. The other I have no idea about her. She was found on the streets and picked up by a dog warden and taken to a dog pound. I got her from there with no knowledge about her but what a treasure she has turned out to be. She’s a special little lady. I do mention my dogs I’m afraid but they have helped me so much. Everyone I speak to that has had a loss and has a dog have all told me that the dogs have literally saved them.
I too am a bit limited with what I can do now with the wet but I have managed to take up some of the garden area and extend the patio. I recently re-designed the front garden which is small. Now the water board have a leak under the path outside my house and I am dreading them wanting to take up my garden. I only have a dribble of water coming out of the taps and consequently no hot water. So not a happy bunny… They come tomorrow.
Pat xxx

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