Hi Pat,
Both of my dogs are rescue dogs. The larger one Baxter, which is a beagle cross, come from Spain, and the smaller one, Cassie, is a jack Russell x with a chihuahua. Her owner passed away suddenly, and the family couldn’t take her. We only got them last year, after me saying ‘no more’ after our last one died. Little did I know how much they were going to help me. They both sleep with me and they are such a comfort.
I have had a bit of a downer day today. Feeling a bit emotional, and sorry for myself, but I know tomorrow I will hopefully feel better.
I hope they don’t mess with your garden!
Love
Janet x
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Hi Leslie,
I have guilt because he passed away in hospital and I never had a chance to say I loved him. He passed away, unexpectedly, during the night. He suffered from diabetes and multiple problems associated with that. I was his carer for two years and I questioned myself 'was there anything I could have done differently '. I think we all ask that question and of course the answer was no.
He was only 49. My toyboy, as I was 59.
I’m sorry you are struggling so much, but there is so much support on this site. Just keep in touch. I am thinking of you.
Love
Janet x
Hi Janet. Hope we don’t bore people talking about our dogs, but we know we owe them so much.
I too said ‘no more’ when my last dog died, like many of us do, but it’s hard to resist when we have had dogs for many years. Bugsy is also a JR x Chihuahua, at this moment he is asleep on Brian’s chair and Beepa is sprawled out on settee, with me managing to find a small area on the end. Can’t imagine life witout them. No I have no trouble with the dogs and the garden. They never cause any bother. Beepa never goes into garden (waits for her walks) and Bugsy just likes chasing the cats out which I don’t mind about as they cause the damage.
Sorry about the bad days, it’s miserable isn’t it. Seems to be a big part of the grief process. I wish there was a pill we could take to stop the sadness.
Pat xx
Hi Pat,
It was Simon who was determined to get another dog, as the house was very quiet. Simon only new them for 8 months. I wasn’t sure if I could cope on my own with them, but I didn’t want to lose them too.
I had my hair cut today, which made me feel a bit better, but it’s always the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. Grief is such a hard emotion to deal with. I had to deal with it when my mum died, 30 years ago, but this is so different.
Take care
Love
Janet xx
Hi Janet, Brian also only knew Bugsy for eight months. The little dog came to us as a foster dog from a rescue centre, he went to another home but it didn’t work out and we had to go and bring him back home. Brian was then determined that we would keep him permanently and the next day he was ours. I had never wanted a terrier or a dog (always had bitches). Funny little fellow though and loves children, and other dogs. Only dislike is pugs as one grabbed hold of him last year and shook him around.
I have photographs of us all out walking together only a few months before Brian died. He deteriorated so quickly.
I wonder if this grief will ever really go away. I am at a year now and thought I would have more acceptance by now. Although I am noticing the old me appearing on the outside but inside it’s so different. I am like two different people.
Take care
Pat
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Hi , I’m in a similar position. My husband died suddenly 3 weeks ago aged 61. It doesn’t seem real does it.i find myself crying a lot but I am determined to go forward and make my husband proud of me. I want him to see I’m doing ok even though I’m broken tbh. Hope we can all support each other on her e
Hi Pat,
i was dreading the year anniversary, and I really don’t know why. Acceptance is still hard to come by and being two different people is a good description. It just feels that a big part of me is missing. I have been looking at photos of Simon with Baxter and Cassie in the garden last July and I would never have dreamt that he wouldn’t be here in the November. But we survived the year somehow!
Are you seeing your family for Christmas?
Love
Janet x
Oh, Leslie,I know what you are going through.I lost my beloved Rob,2 weeks ago.I thought I was coping well thinking he was helping me through this.I’ve come through the numb phase and I don’t know what I’m going through now.I can’t watch programmes we used to enjoy,I can’t have the radio on in case they play Christmas songs.I will be on my own for the first time this year and I don’t know what it will be like.We should try and get each other through this!Take care
Yes accepting is the hardest part. Today I took flowers to the grave where we put Brian’s ashes. He is with his grandparents as they brought him up. The cemetery is only a short walk away and I used to go every day but it became a bit of a ritual and I felt guilty if I didn’t go, now I replace the flowers every week and go and have a chat to him.
Christmas last year was so very hard. I told my family that I didn’t want to see anyone. I wouldn’t be good company but my daughter and partner were over from Spain and staying with my grandson and bless him he came a fetched me to have dinner with them. (about a 30 minutes drive away) I don’t know about this year as I don’t want them to think that I have got to be entertained they might want to have their own friends with them. So I will see what happens. if I am on my own it will just be a day. nothing special. I will probably walk along the seafront with the dogs and work on my allotment, where I feel the closest to Brian. He so loved the allotments. My son isn’t far away but is not a lover of Christmas and prefers to be alone or with a couple of mates having a drink (he isn’t married). So doubt I will hear from him.
I look at photo’s and can’t believe what has happened. I listen to him singing as I have CD’s of him with his band. This cracks me up and I haven’t got through this without crying. Sometimes I sing along with him. He’s good but I must sound terrible as I’m crying at the same time. I can’t look at video’s of us, this is too much and I don’t watch many of the programmes we watched together, I usually go for a film on Netflix. The forum is comforting as we all know what we are feeling and having to deal with and understand and that is very important and supportive.
Blessings Pat xxx
I see photos of Rob that I took on holiday this year.I couldn’t imagine he would be dead 4 weeks later.It doesn’t seem possible.I wish he had never gone to A&E that day.The treatment didn’t help him.He could have had a few more weeks at home.It’s all ifs and buts though isn’t it?
Hi Elaine. So sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband was also 61. It’s 8 weeks now and the shock has ebbed and I am making small steps forward. It’s still very soon for you sweetheart so be gentle with yourself. Take care and sending you strength and love
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Hi Pat,
Simons ashes are in a churchyard with his mum and twin sister, in the village he grew up in, about 15 minutes away. We did live in the village, five doors down from his mum and dad for about 5 years.
Christmas was a bit of a blur last year. I went to Simons brother and sister in laws house with his dad. As you can imagine, it was a bit subdued. This year a friend has told me that I’m going to their house on Christmas Day, as I’m not going to be on my own. I just keep telling myself, it’s just another day. It sounds lovely that you can walk along the seafront with your dogs. We did get an allotment, just as his symptoms got worse, so were unable to keep it. Mind you, we found out when it rained hard, it flooded!
Well I suppose that I’d better try to sleep.
Love
Janet
Hi Janet I have just found your details and see that we are on the same length of this torturous journey and also the photograph of your dogs. Your little one is very similar to my Bugsy except that he is black.
Christmas is hard. Last year I felt so lost and confused but as there was children in the house I had to put on a brave face. I could only manage a couple of hours though. To me it is just another day.
The allotment gave Brian a new lease of life and he became the site manager and did other jobs around the place. He asked me to keep ours on and I have done that. We had a plot each, fortunately next door to each other. When I work on Brian’s I feel as if I am helping him out and should be asking if he want’s things done as I am doing as we couldn’t really work together when gardening, different idea’s, hence the reason we had a plot each. His name is still at the top of his plot. I am fortunate that the committee have let me keep it. A bench has been put on a small garden area in his name and plaque. I look after that garden for him. Brian managed to plant his onions on September 18th 2018 and this was the last time he went there. The allotment has been a godsend and kept me busy there is also the interaction with the other plot holders with chats. Unfortunately I also find it hard at times looking around for him and remembering he’s not there, physically anyway.
Take care
Pat
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Hi Pat,
Cassie has got the jack Russell markings and very long legs, but a small face like a chihuahua. That picture was taken last summer. Was it November for you too? I went to see my counsellor again today, which has helped me a lot. I find I can say things to her that I can’t to my family, and she gives a different perspective on it.
I found it hard to be in the garden at first, but I realised I had to keep it up together for Simon. He loved his rose bushes and I managed to take one rose to the church. I couldn’t just sit and look around, I had to be doing something. I hope he would be pleased with what I did. Apart from Baxter digging a big hole, which I’ve tried to fill!
I just miss him so much, but I know he is looking down on me.
Love
Janet xx
I lost my darling Rob just 2 weeks ago on the 12th November.I’m still finding my way through this fog and I thought I was doing OK but I’ve just had a call from the undertaker asking me if I want to keep his 2 rings and his watch with him.Of course I do!I put the phone down and just burst into tears.Bless my dear little cats,they are trying to comfort me but it’s the injustice of it all.I am so tired and run down and I want this to stop.This can’t get any worse,surely?
My grief has changed. It’s been 5 months, and I feel different. There’s a profound sadness within me that will never go away. I might cry every day for the rest of my life, but I do have “some” control over my tears now. I say some as I still have days that I cry frequently, others not so much. I had an outburst of anger at the injustice a few days ago. In the beginning I was raging.
The first 2months or so were terrible.terrible. I didn’t know I could cry so much. I had no control over my many emotions that were bare and exposed and on the surface. Triggers were (and still are) everywhere , and set me off a million times a day. It is very, very wearing on body & spirit. You have to look after yourself the best you can - eat well, exercise (fresh air) and try to sleep. Those things will help you to heal.
Small steps - one day at a time will get you through to a different place than you are now.
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Thanks Heather for another inspirational message. Like you I don’t feel that the sadness will ever really leave me but at this moment I do feel a bit more in control. When I wake in the mornings the sadness is like a black cloud hanging over me and I cry. I now accept this and let the tears come, I don’t fight them. I think of it as my time to let Brian know that I am thinking of him.
Wise words indeed, we must look after ourselves by eating well. Can’t agree more about the exercise, no matter what you do. Fresh air is in abundance and free so take advantage of it, and if you have the beauty and wonder of nature nearby then enjoy it. For me all these things help, they are my therapy, they do help me to heal. Sitting at home crying does not.
Today the sun was shining, no wind so I took myself and the dogs out into the countryside and we walked. I stopped near the river that Brian loved to sail on and remembered, I walked as we did so often and remembered and these memories didn’t bring the usual tears, they brought me some joy at last.
I often think about Brian and how he would have coped without me and I think he would have been just fine. He was a good cook, liked his own company, took everything in his stride, never making a fuss and would have probably bought himself a boat to live on by now and be living the life on the ocean wave, or at least on the river nearby, enjoying the peace and quiet…
Take care
Pat
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Today I found Robs well worn wheelchair gloves in a drawer.I smelt them and held them to my face and the tears started again.I can’t help finding things and I wish it would stop,it’s too painful.I don’t think I can move forward if I keep looking back but we have to hang on to our good memories,don’t we?It’s all we have. X
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Hi Jill we certainly do, can’t help it. I had to get rid of so much of Brian’s things as it was just not possible to hang onto them. There was his guitars, an accordian, a keyboard, his beloved scooter, an electric bike and a room full of painting material. Camera’s that I never knew he had and a loft fuil of memories, some from his past before he met me. It was hearbreaking but it all went on to be useful again. His clothes went to charity but I did keep some of his things and wear them myself. However his crash helmit and gloves are still in the cupboard. His tools are what really set me off as he loved them and would never let me touch them. My memories were what caused so much pain as we enjoyed the same things. We were Ramblers so the walks would make me remember all those times we spent together. We had the allotments and working on those would also upset me. But now I am actually starting to find some joy in still doing the walks and remembering our happy times together, planning the planting of the veg and finding enjoyment again instead of ending up in tears We went on lots of holidays which were mostly walking holidays and that is something I can’t do now and don’t think I ever will again. Take your time Jill, do what feels right for you at this moment. Time will heal a little or change things a little and you will cope as and when.
Pat xxx
I can’t go in his wardrobe yet.He had so many clothes and it would take forever to clear out.I’m nowhere near that yet.I went on his laptop yesterday and I couldn’t believe how many Leeds United groups he belonged to.The man was fanatical!Apart from that,he didn’t have much else,Thankfully. X