Coping on the outside screaming inside

My husband of 46 years died suddenly on 18/12/18, from sepsis, everyone says how well I’m coping, but inside I feel like I’m screaming, I can’t talk to my children about how I feel, because they break down in tears and I can’t cope with there grief as well as my own, I have people around me most of the time, but I can’t wait to go to bed just so I can think about my husband, he is on my head constantly, I feel like 2 people the one who is coping and going out with family and friends and doing renovations to the house (distraction) and the one who is barely hanging on, will this feeling ever go away

Hello Barbcon. I am so sorry for your loss. It will be 2 years in June since my husband passed. I know exactly how you are feeling and I’m not sure it will ever go away. Do you want it to? What I do know is that I have certainly got better at dealing with it, with my grief. The saying goes ’ You don’t get better, you just get better at it ’ and that for me is true. I have my coping strategies and one of these is writing my journal. It’s a conversation with my husband where I tell him what’s been happening, how much I love and miss him, anything and everything. There are times when I rush in to grab my journal because I have some little snippet I need to tell him. It really does give me great comfort.

Your post could have been written by me as I can relate to all that you have shared. Most of the time I keep my grief hidden from everyone including my children, more for them than me, I think. I keep busy too, like you for distraction. Looking back now, in the first few months after my loss, I was busy to the point of manic. I carried on with the projects we had planned together. I have slowed down now.

Again, like you, I love to go to bed to think of my husband. It’s where I can completely relax without distraction so he can come to me. I understand when you say he is ‘on your head constantly’ - so it is with me. Even after this length of time, I can’t even say my husband is at the back of mind all the time because he isn’t - he’s at the front of my mind - he’s there the whole time, in everything I do, everywhere I go - I carry him around on my shoulder - and that’s ok. I never want him to leave me. I can’t have him physically so the best I can do is keep his spirit with me. I live with a man who isn’t here! That’s ok too.

There are times I cry, times I scream out loud (usually in the car so no one can hear). However, I can smile too, laugh and even dance around the house (with my husband of course!). A little bit barmy? Maybe. But in everything I do is there is always a deep, deep sadness. I think we can know joy again but we can never know pure joy again.

You can do this Barbcon, you will find your coping strategies but it takes a little time. We become very good actors, more to protect those around us than ourselves but we do need to vent our emotions occasionally. So go ahead and scream if you want to, not just on the inside, out loud.

Sending you love, strength and understanding. Xx

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Hi there im so sorry for your loss I lost my soulmate of seventeen years six months and six days ago today to sepsis my heart is shattered my world has been blown apart taken away from me my hopes and dreams we dreamed of growing old together everything im traumatised by watching the deadly sepsis attack it terrifying im so scared and alone all I want is my partner back in my arms your in my thoughts take care of yourself as much as possible x

You can ting the sepsis line too they have trained nurses if it helps nothing will help me every half a second I pray that it’s my last x

Hi there, I am so sorry for your loss, it is 11 months today since my husband’s funeral and 13 months since we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary,
he passed 19th May last year, 38 hours after I was told further tests revealed a malignancy. As Kate has written, I too fully understand your pain, not a day has passed that I’ve not shed a tear, some days it’s buckets full, some days o vant stop all day. Breaking my heart as I park in a quiet spot so no one can see the grief I’m struggling to cope with. Our son and daughter are going through their own grief which is very different to ours, I understand what they’re feeling, my father passed away 2006, the grief I felt for him is far far different than the grief I feel now. I also understand how my mum feels, could never imagine before because I had not experienced the loss she had, not until losing my own husband did I fully understand.

I think that this forum is a huge help to all who join, whether to post, reply to posts or just read through the existing posts. We’re all travelling the same way, feeling the same anguish and devastation. The feeling of no longer belonging, the loss of our old life, the life we shared with our husbands/wives and the daunting future of carrying on as one half of the couple we always were.

It’s not an easy journey, it’s a journey enforced upon us, I am beginning to feel that I must make a concerted effort to continue what life I have left as best as I can for the both of us. To do so will keep Alan alive, he will always be with me, I miss him dreadfully, he doesn’t miss me because he’s never left me, not in spirit he hasn’t, I sometimes wish it has all been a huge nightmare and I’ll wake to find him snoring his head off in front of the TV, but we all know this will never ever happen.

All we can do is … to do the best we can, if we want to cry then don’t stifle it, if we want to say exactly how we’re feeling then we say it.

Wish you blessings to help you through this living nightmare

Take care Jen☆
ps sorry for the war and peace. At times the words just keep flowing, channelling my thoughts, usually reserved for my daily journal. ☆

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So sorry for your loss it’s six months and six days since my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms im utterly heartbreakon and truamatised every second I’d getting worse all I want is the most important part of my life back words can’t describe the agony im in the anguish looking out of the window thinking just may walk up the street tell myself it can’t be I cant bring myself to even get out if bed im actually terrified I just want my soulmate back take care of yourself as much as possible x

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Dear Kate and Jen, as usual inspirational words come from both of you. Such help, so much sense written.
I too became manic after Brian died, I never stopped, I too have slowed down now. My health was suffering I was burning myself out.
My Brian will always be with me. I walked all afternoon yesterday and talked to him telling him where I was. I have a picture of him on the front of my bus pass. He used to be a bus driver so he’s still having a front seat on the bus.
I too am determined to make the best of my life and Brian is going to be on that journey with me whether he likes it or not.
Off course we all want our soulmates back with us but it’s not going to happen in the way that we remember, I am hoping there is another way and that it will give me some sort of peace. I cry everyday, I can’t stop that. If it overwhelms me then I go with it. I know it is my time to grieve. It will pass for a while until the next time. I just hope and pray that Brian knows how much I am missing him.
Two nights ago while in bed I kept smelling his aftershave. It was so clear. However I don’t know now if I was waking up and noticing it or if I was just dreaming because when I woke up I was sniffing all over the bed and there was no scent. Now I am going to tell myself that he was there with me that night. Pat xxx

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Your in my thoughts I hope my soulmate knows how much I miss our life together too another long lonely silent night full of sorrow take care x

Hi Pattidot, I am just exhausted all of the time. It was 5 months yesterday since my lovely George died and both physically and mentally I feel burnt out. I am 52 years old but feel I have aged considerably in the last few months and my health is beginning to suffer too. I look in the mirror and do not recognise the person I have become. When I walk my dog, I talk to George all the time. We always walked her together and I miss him so much and our little chats, I still cannot believe he has gone. Yesterday my daughter was in the kitchen and her partner came in and asked her if she wanted a cuddle. Oh to hear George ask me if I fancied a hug, I keep getting upset just thinking about it. He often used to come into the kitchen when I was getting dinner ready at night to give me a hug - I would give anything for one now. I am so pleased you are determined to make the best of your life and admire you for it. At the moment I don’t feel I have the energy to do anything, hopefully one day I will manage to turn that around xxx

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Hi im so sorry for your loss same here what I’d give for a cuddle our little conversations giggles just to hear footsteps on the stairs sound of laughter all those little things tske care your in my thoughts x

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Oh what memories Debra, those cuddles. What upsets me now is that Brian would also come into the kitchen and want a cuddle, usually when I was preoccupied with doing something else.Sometimes he would get a quick cuddle and then I would go back to doing whatever I was at that time. If only I had those times again, I would savour every moment in his arms. It breaks my heart to think of it now.
You will turn your life around, we all will eventually. I am nowhere near there yet. I wake up in the mornings and wish everything was just a bad dream. I am becoming reclusive, cry on a whim. worry about something different every day. Can’t cope with the slightest bit of stress, and if anyone dare to annoy me they get the sharp edge of my tongue. My future seems bleak and it frightens me. Sounds familiar to everyone. But everyday I get up, take the dogs for a long walk, which does me the power of good., and make sure I do something of interest
I just live in hope that my life will turn around one day, as it can’t get any worse. I’m sure yours will also. Pat xxxx

Patti, from what you’ve just wrote about Brian’s scent tells me you had a visitation from him. Please hold on to that. He wants you to. As I keep saying, it’s the subtle signs telling us they are always near. I talk to Alan constantly even when I’m just walking up the stairs , I tell him where I’m going, what I’m thinking etc, even her answers back. Have on the odd occasion had a little disagreement. Only short lived of course.

Please hold on to the subtle signs. Its wonderful that you’ve had ap vusitstikn from Brian, he’s found a way to let you know he’s always close by

Blessings patti, blessings

Jen☆

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Jen thank you so much for replying. It was so real. As I said I don’t know if it was all a dream or if I was waking up but the scent was so strong. I kept thinking It will be there in the morning but of course it wasn’t. Everytime I think he’s forgotten me, something else happens. Last time it was a dream that was so real. I had dropped off in front of the TV,like you do, but got up and went into the dining room. Brian was going through his cupboards drawers which I had just cleaned out. I said “Oh it’s you in here” and he said “Yes your not on your own”. Then I woke up and found myself still on the settee. It was so real as if I had really walked into the dining room, perhaps I had. I ran in to that room just to make sure he wasn’t still there. He hated anyone going near his things and I like to think he came back to check on what I had been doing. You have cheered me up and I await eagerly for another visit. I too talk to Brian all the time, he is as much a part of my life as ever. I promised him that I would have him with me always. There is a photograph in a frame in front of me, he is sat on a rock while we climbed in Greece. He’s in shorts and looks fit and well and I look at it and talk to him, sometimes I tell him off if I’m not very happy. I tell him it’s his fault I’m miserable and he should be ashamed of himself. He would only laugh. Thanks Pat xxx

Morning Pat the ‘dream’ snout him looking through the cupboard and drawers gave you a definite and precise message… he’s eith you you’re not on your own. If you can, write these ‘visitations’ down in your journal, you’ll be surprised by the thoughts Brian sends to you (one of their ways of communicating).

I’m so pleased he’s letting you know he’s always close.

Blessings

Jen☆

Thanks for your understanding words,a lot of what you said resonated with me, I think all theses projects I’m attempting are my manic stage, anything to halt the constant what ifs maybe and buts. These are projects we had planned together and I feel I have to complete them or I have let him down, I certainly think I will try the screaming out loud sounds like good therapy.

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Hi there ever since we went to see the film Ghost Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore we perhaps used the word ditto as in the film loosely but we always talked about comunicating with the one who was left.
My wife passed away last November aged 67,I was walking my dog down by the sea 10 miles away from home when 2 ladies and their dogs and mine started running and playing together we stood talking about the dogs and the weather (mid February) when one of the ladies suddenly said to me your coping alright are you,glad to see your getting out of the house it will do you good,I had never seen this lady in my life or since visiting the same place every week on my way to visit Janes grave,I am hoping that it was a visitation from Jane because if not it very much sounded like words she would have used.
. Just those few words were gospel as I sit here and would never have written them if untrue.
. To be honest I don’t think I could even recognise the lady again not a dream either even if it sounds like one I certainly wouldn’t mind if it happened again
Wishing you all well MM69

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Well put I feel exactly byte same, :heart:

The same

This website explains quite a bit about visitations, hope it helps to give you some answers

http://blairrobertson.com/blog/visitation-dreams-real-imagined/

Blessings
Jen☆

Hi M, I had something similar happen to me. Mine was a phone call from a person we hadn’t had contact with for years. He knew I was concerned about something concerning my husbands wishes and gave me the answer. I had asked my husband for help two days previously and I feel he got the message through to me via this person. I haven’t heard from this man since.

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