Can anyone share any strategies that help them deal with the periods of intense distress- i dont mean panic attacks, but just that heart rending grief and pain and the isolation of having no one there when you need it?
Unfortunately i dont have anyone readily available at the end of the phone, and im waiting for counselling to be scheduled. I tried called Cruse helpine - one day it was shut, next day they just said we’re too busy and terminated the call. Ive tried CALM helpline - they dont open till 5pm. So last resort i tried Samaritans and it just rang and rang. So when you cant even get help from the helplines it makes you feel even worse
So ive come to the conclusion i need to be able to get thru this on my own for 99% of the time and i need coping strategies for those times when there really is no one available. If anyone can recommend anything that works for them please share!
Ps i know you might say “post on here” but i find it very hit and miss as with most online platforms - you can pour your heart out in a post and then noone might respond for days/at all, which makes you feel even worse!
I find walking helps. I talk to him out loud as I’m walking. But I do live in a rural area, so thankfully don’t usually meet anyone who would think I’m nuts to be rabbiting on to myself.
Hi, all I can offer that works for me is distraction. I lost my son almost 8 weeks ago and some days are worse than others. I went back to work to keep busy and the weekends I find the morning is when I’m at my lowest. I have to talk myself into doing something… even having a wash. I have had a few days this week when I’ve had no motivation and I have cried and I know that is normal when grieving. I have my eldest son at home but he prefers his own space so it sometimes feels like I’m on my own. Once the weather is better I will be able to get out into the garden as I know that helped me when my brother passed away. Sorry if this is of no use… it’s just what is helping me get through each day. I’m sure others will offer better solutions to support you X
Ally, you’re amazing at responding to poeple on here with calm, considered, well-thought-out responses, so I’d like to return the favour, but I’m thinking on the spot, here. What about any local churches? Can you wander in to any of your local places of worship?
Dont apologise @Anne25 - all suggestions are welcome as im really struggling. I love my garden too and am hoping that will comfort me once the weather improves.
It helped me being out there after my dad and brother passed away. Just a good distraction and fresh air. I hope to add a bench for my son… he always used to take himself off out there when he was chatting on the phone to girls! It’ll go next to the rose bush he bought me
You just have to take your time and each day will be different. I am fine today so far but had a few bad days at the beginning of the week. I try and keep busy x
Hiya I know this is a bit late in the day for you but I was in exactly the same situation as you. To me it was a moment where I just couldn’t see past the next minute and being stuck in front of a brick wall. I actually did get through to the samaratines, albeit the second time of trying. It got me past that intense distress you mentioned, just enough to calm myself down a bit. I’ve actually called twice now but not for a while.
If you do feel that distress again I suggest you persevere and just keep ringing.
Hopefully though you are in a slightly better place now, take care 🩷
Thank you Pixiecat - this week hasnt been quite as dark, but i do find my hormones affect just how intense the grief is. When im hanging on the phone to someone like samaritans i end up persuading myself they’ll just think im wasting their time! This is such a horrendous journey to travel alone, and im just feeling exhausted with trying to keep “hanging on” and what for? Its not like its suddenly all going to be over if i just “hang on” a couple more months - mums not going to suddenly walk in the door like some episode of eastenders!
I know exactly how you feel, it’s so exhausting. The thing that I’ve learned about grief though is that you/we never get over grief but learn to live with it peacefully. Don’t get me wrong I’m no where near over or living with grief, im not even back at work yet, but I had an ok day yesterday for the first time since mam passed and it’s given me a bit of hope. Bad day today but that’s another thing about grief it’s like a roller coaster and unpredictable.
The trouble is that we have to hang on and I think that’s why it’s so exhausting and painful
Take care and be kind to yourself, thats all you can do for now.
By the way the samaritans would never thing your waisting their time, just think they exist for people like you and I
Take care❤️
I think i find the prospect of hanging on scary, because often i read on here about how people are still finding things difficult years down the line, so i dont get much sense of hope. Im 16 weeks in and ive had enough already, and then i think of those years ahead which are going to be more of the same and it just feels too tough to keep hanging on. Sorry i dont want to bring you down if youre having an ok day!
I can’t speak with much experience on the topic, being new to this hell, as well. But, I think probably the idea is that with time our perspectives may change. I know that in my old life, before I lost my dad, I could get quite caught up in a feeling, and feel like there was no way out, and then at some point my perspective would change. I’m not saying that that is directly transferable to this hell that we find ourselves in, but that with time and distance we may be able to find some peace/enjoyment as well as the broken heart that we will always carry for our loved ones.
Having reflected on my answer, I’d just like to tweak it a little: I think that the idea is not that it takes time for our perspectives to change, but that it takes time for healing to take place .
I totally agree, I think because grief is is so torturous we try to rush through it and it just doesn’t work like that. I’ve thought about the fact that we live in such a fast paced world, and when grief strikes, you have no choice but take time out and heal at your own pace. Everyone is unique and so everyone’s healing time is unique.
I just wish I could listen to my own advice xx
Hi Ally6
Only just seen this post and I totally agree with you, the thought of grieving for years on end terrifies me.
I had a counselling session yesterday and she asked me if my mum would want me to be happy and carry on living and obviously I said yes. I’ve also read it on here, so if you think of it like that, surely we can’t grieve so painfully forever? I’m praying I’ll be able to move forward with love in my heart for my mam, but without the torture and pain
Take care
Having a bit of a bad day today as my youngest brother should be celebrating his 41st birthday . It’s the third birthday without him and the first feelings of denial and not accepting he’s gone have slowly crept back. I looked at his Facebook page and seeing all the messages from his friends acknowledging his day was a small comfort as they haven’t forgotten him… but also a reminder that he isn’t here anymore.
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