Does anyone have any advice on coping tools after losing a loved one ( in my case my fiancé of 12 years). It’s very fresh for me but I’ve found it so difficult to think about anything else or talk about anything else. I’m at a stage where I don’t want to leave the house because being out in the real world causes me have breakdowns knowing the world keeps moving even though mine has fallen apart. Does going out for walks or being out actually help? Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated - thank you so much in advance.
hi Tash.
very sorry for the loss of your partner.
sadly there is no easy fix.many many members have posted their own thread and written replies about how they get through the hours days etc.we have to find our own way,me I got a few tattoos dedicated to my soulmate Jayne,i live with Jayne in my heart and I cannot lie,its a struggle and its been over 16 months since I lost Jayne.
some find getting back to work,as a distraction and something to divert the mindset a little,others have pets that need their love and it gives then a routine,walking and gardening are other activities people have done to distract them and give them a little comfort.
we are all very different and what suits one may not suit another.hopefully over the coming days weeks etc you will find a way to cope with the devastation, heartache and emotional turmoil caused by the loss of your partner.some write a daily or weekly journal to their partners expressing their feelings etc.
also knowing you are not alone and that you are able to write anything any time will help a little as well.just know that lots of us members know a little of how you are feeling and that the emotions are all over the place,sleeping isnt great eating is disrupted as well,nothing seems to help.and you are in the very early stages,of which for lots of us is a never ending journey were we will learn to live with the pain.
at this time please dont hold in your emtions let the tears fall as and when you need to.
and try eat well and try look after your self.none of this is easy but know we members in the same or similar boat are here to help or comfort when ever you reach out some one will try put their own heartache to one side and respond.
take care and try stay safe.
regards ian
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Hello Tash. Ian has pretty much covered it. My greatest ‘tool’ is definitely my journal. I write to my husband, tell him everything from gossip to feelings. I tell him about stuff I’ve done, where I’ve been, who I’ve seen, anything and everything. I write to him just like I’m talking to him. Honestly, writing really does help. Walking is good too, apart from the obvious, it helps clear the head for a while. During grief our headspace becomes so crammed with stuff we have to do whilst being filled with thoughts of our loved one. Our hearts fill with love almost to bursting point. I go out to work which has been great for me. Distraction is good. I have two dogs so they’re something to focus on. And of course, there is this site which has been a huge help. Simply knowing we are not alone can be of great comfort.
I am so sorry for your loss Tash. Sending love and hugs. xx
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Hi Tash, so sorry for you. If it is very fresh you could still be in shock but either way our bodies and hearts take a long time to begin to heal. Crazy Late and Ian have given you good advice and I have found walking , even in tears, does make me feel a little more normal in this horribly abnormal world. Planting seeds took my mind off for a few seconds and was something to go and check on every day, sometimes we don’t even feel like getting out of bed, especially when the weather is horrible. As they said, everyone on here is going through their own individual grief and you will find a lot of understanding and compassion, everyone is so caring, it has certainly helped me. Also it is good to be able to voice all your innermost thoughts and fears , things. you may not feel comfortable sharing with friends or family. Sending love and strength xx
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Hi Tash
Helpful and first class advice has already been offered so not much I can add.
For me, I did find walking in the countryside a big help but I have two dogs that insisted that I got out of bed and walked with them and along with their love I found this gave me strength.
Like Kate I write to my husband and I also write in my diary everything that I do so that I can make sure I am doing something each day.
I enjoy gardening and found this to be very therapeutic.
I did find shopping in town to be an obstacle. I was always in a panic in the early days but I would ask my husband to help me. Give yourself time, don’t rush, there is no time scale and let life return to you. It will, and you will know when it is right for you.
xxx
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Hello - It’s been just over a year. In the beginning it felt like there was nothing else to think or talk about. I was not able to think about other things. I didn’t even try. Some things had to be done, and by me, so I made myself perform necessary public duties such as car registration, bank, etc as soon as possible. During these tasks I found the kindness & compassion of strangers comforting. I began to acknowledge the daily tasks I was managing (dishes, making the bed, getting dressed) , and in the beginning they were very small and some days there were none.
I remember that feeling of looking around and realizing that everything was moving along in its natural rhythm except me. The first few weeks I left home and went out into the real world I felt disconnected, almost like I was observing from a distance. I felt I was being bombarded with the sounds and smells and activity. I would try to put up a mental wall so I could just make it through “this” trip to the store. Just looking or thinking about buying a certain food would reduce me to tears. I would just abandon my shopping, head back to my car (and then home) and break down in tears…I couldn’t cope with the normalcy. I just kept forcing myself to go out in public and try again,- sometimes it was okay, sometimes not. I walked (or shuffled) about, not making eye contact, not responding to any human interaction, totally immersed in my grief. I finally had a day where I felt a bit better, and when I went to town, I tried to put on a brave face and smile (a very small smile) at people. Much to my utter amazement, everyone smiled back at me. I still carry that memory with me as it was the first time I felt like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I live rural and nature is so very important to me. I realized immediately that nature-the natural world was still moving along, as it always had and always will, and my grief had no effect upon it. Sitting in a quiet,beautiful place or going for a walk through the forest were my first steps in coming back into the real world. I truly believe that nature (and there is even nature in a city) does help. On this forum, there are those with health problems that do not allow them to go out in sunlight. Oh how my heart aches for them.
Triggers - oh the triggers - in the beginning everything was one - I had no control over my emotions, there was no point in even trying. I never knew I could cry so much. Slowly I began to recognize certain “triggers” that would set me off - certain music, pictures,memories - I would endeavor (and still do) to avoid them (never buying foods he liked, not cooking favorites, not listening to certain songs) , sometimes it worked. I came to recognize a physical reaction (pit of stomach and throat) just before I would break down, and learned that I could sometimes avert the meltdown. There will always be triggers, small & large, and I will always cry, but I’m learning to accept that. Jan.15 I wrote a post about this, just reread it, and it still holds true.
Grief is so intensely personal. Allow yourself to grieve. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Make yourself eat and exercise (whether you want to or not)! There will come a day when you will laugh (possibly catching yourself by surprise) and smile - do so as often as possible!!!
Working on healing myself and learning to live this new life are the most difficult things I have ever done. This journey has just begun.
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So sorry for your loss. The best advice is that each thing that works is different for everyone. Walks can be great but then again it depends where you are walking some walks are great because it is beside the sea and you might find the sea relaxing or maybe a walk in the trees can be enjoyable. Exercise can be good because it can exercise the negative energy of anger, stress and frustration built up in your body as part of grief it can also help with depression. However going on your own and watching others enjoy their lives can be very difficult to see. Walking with someone or a dog is better. Take small steps and get support if you are having panic attacks due to bereavement all this is perfectly natural Its okay to feel how you feel dont feel guilty or berate yourself for how you feel.
Giving your self small goals might also help if you cant see a reason to go on then goal setting and slowly making your way towards it even if you dont feel like it can help. It gives you a sense of achievement and I can do this so I can go on. Feeling a little success will make you feel a little better and make it a little easier to cope.
Maybe you and your fiance had a hobby you shared dont give it up because you miss him keep a little bit of him alive by continuing this.
Perhaps you could also talk with some of his friends and get them to reminisce with you, sharing memories and laughs about times gone by can make you feel better, it makes you feel better to know someone else cherished and remembers the person you loved. Look at old photos or videos. Turn one of his old t-shirts or sweatshirts into a cushion and give it a hug when you feel down. Make a meal that was his favourite and put on a movie you both loved and just wallow.
Do what you can cope with and what makes you feel better whatever that is then that is what is right. However whatever you choose to do make sure that you have someone a friend or relative to support you and keep in touch with them and talk or text them often. Make sure that you know that you have someone around you that cares. Take care of you.
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Oh and use deep luxurious moisturiser or facepacks after you have been frowning treat yourself and spoil yourself just now just a little.
Dear Ian, Sorry for the loss of your partner. What great advice you have given. A colleague at work also got a tattoo embedded with a few ashes of her loved one and it gave her great comfort and another got some ashes made into a necklace. I had a dogtag necklace engraved with my dads photo especially for my mum and this gave her great comfort.
thank you Meebee,i try though its not always easy to try put my own heartbreak to one side and try give out helpful replies.at times they are just my humble opinionated opinions .
hope your getting some comfort wearing the dog tag with your dads photo.
Theres a book The Art of Not Falling Apart which is real stories about how people have coped with tragedy and loss. I found it really helpful and inspiring. Everyone is different its finding what works for you x
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Thank you for that Jeanette, will look for it online. And Heather, one word in your post really resonated, “disconnected”, that’s just how it feels f, making our way, at least trying to, in a strange and alien world. Trying to make sense of everything and somehow find a place to slot back in. We must keep trying, it’s the only option isn’t it… Virtual hugsx
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Dear HeatherDiane
Wow what you have said I can totally connect with I felt exactly the same way when my dad died the disconnection with society and almost as if I could feel time itself. Very strange feeling you described it so accurately and i am sure many on here understand that feeling. Again I too understand the connection to nature and how it helps and yes music too, I dont think I could get through sometimes at work without playing some music.
Your point about triggers is so spot on and I am sure will resonate with lots of people on here. I also think that certain dates are triggers that is to say fathers day mothers day birthdays wedding anniversaries and date of death these are such hard dates for many of us to get through. The best idea is if you can then not to be alone on these days or if you want to be alone with a duvet day then its ok too but have a plan before hand when you know its coming and dont let it just hit. That I think might be harder.
The rest of your words are really inspirational and so true. You have written some great advice and I am sure many of us appreciate your thoughts. Thank you and take care of yourself.
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Actually I bought the dog tag for my mum when my dad passed I would so love it back now that she too is gone. But I have no idea where it is. My brother was supposed to give me it among other things but he is the 
Take care
Oh no!!! Hope you get it! Night night, sleep tight xxxx
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Hi,
First of all let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Being out walking is a fantastic coping strategy and one that helped me through my grief. If you’re nervous about being in a crowd go into the countryside and walk in the Earths greatest healer - Nature. Experience the bird song, the smells and the sights, also the peace and quiet that enters your soul will amaze you. Talk to your fiancé as you walk, tell him about your day and your hopes for the future, he will be very glad to hear you.
I’m Wiccan and we believe a loved one is never truly lost to us, they just go somewhere else for a while to rest before being reborn but, they are always near us. Wiccans do not fear death in fact we have a certain time of the year when we celebrate it, to everyone else this is known as Halloween, to me its known Samhain. The things that our culture fears most about dying has no meaning in Wicca.
Walk in Peace
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Thank you I agree nature soothes the soul. Also I found an article that describes how I’m feeling now, I will try to share x
“Don’t believe that crap about what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What doesn’t kill you hurts and makes you vulnerable and leaves you traumatized.”
Can I just say it was an enormous relief to hear him say that?
You mean, I don’t have to be strong all the time? I can feel unhappy about things that happened in my life and not have to always grow from the most awful experiences? Sometimes, things are just bad?
Yes. Sometimes bad things happen and we don’t grow stronger. Sometimes we just feel… bad.
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Most of the time, strength doesn’t come from life’s worst moments – it comes from the best. I feel strong because I’ve been loved – and am loved – by some amazing people, and because I’ve loved them back. I find strength in the times when I’ve been most generous and caring. I find strength in my ability to sometimes deal well with the bad days, to look for help when I need it, to disappear when I have to, and to re-emerge when I’m ready.
I’m allowed to be sad and unhappy about the things that have hurt me in my life.
I don’t feel like I’m strong because of them – but I do feel I can be strong in spite of them. This article just made sense to me hope it resonates with someone else x
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That makes so much sense and is also reassuring to feel we aren’t failing when we have a bad day and everything seems so pointless. Thank you for posting that, sometimes I feel we expect miracles of ourselves when we’ve been through what has been, for most of us, the worst trauma we’ve ever experienced. Will look into Wiccan beliefs, I don’t know anything about it but I love the idea of our loved ones always being near in some form. Sending love to all, hope you have a good day xxx
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