Coping with comments from others

I am recently widowed. How do others handle when people say things that are not helpful? IE your husband would want you to see people and do things. I know that but my heart is broken that he is gone so hearing that is very upsetting to me.

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Its definitely hard to deal with a comment such as that.
I lost my partner nearly 3 years ago and always get worried about writing how i feel incase i get a comment about how long its been and how i cant move on fron things or get my life back to normal. (which im sure it will never be)
Me personally i would maybe just reply to comments you think are helpful to you. Everyone here is grieving is some kind of way but i guess everyone is diffrent and it takes everyone diffrent amount of times in life to feel at a point they could accept a comment like that.
But on the positive side this website is so very helpful and there is some lovely helpful people on here too!
Take care x

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Sorry for your loss.

How do we handle it?
We smile sweetly, switch off and let them get on with it.
They just don’t get it, how can they unless they’ve been through it. I just hope for them they never have to.

Our hearts are broken and may or may not ever mend. We really don’t need platitudes but unfortunately that’s what we get. From people that mean well, but haven’t got a clue about our suffering and inner turmoil.
On this forum you will be talking to people who do understand, we’ve are all going through the same grief journey. Please keep posting, it does help.

Love and hugs x

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Joey199217

Thanks. I don’t think I will ever get over his loss. Good to be in a forum with people that understand.
X

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Liro

Thanks for a lovely response. When reading it, peaceful came to my mind as you are right that people don’t understand who aren’t in the situation we are. And letting it go helps conserve the little energy I have at the moment for important things.

I appreciate you encouraging me to continue to post and glad if it helps you too, and/or others.

It’s helped me
X

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I’m a bit futher along in this horrendous journey than you I lost my husband at the end of February.
I’d like to say it gets easier, but I think its more a case of learning to cope. The pain and heartache really don’t go. And reading others posts on here I don’t think they ever do.
I think we just learn to carry on, while carrying our loved ones in our hearts and in our minds forever. We get through somehow because we have to. Because thats what our husbands would have wanted.

I hope that helps, if only a little

X x

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Liro,

End of February sounds very recent still to me.
Sorry for your loss
Your post does help
Thanks
X

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Yes it is pretty recent, but my husband wanted me to carry on living and i promised I would be ok.
I’m not, but hopefully one day I will be. Because I promised I must do it. Somehow, someday, I will. But he’ll always be with me.

Sending you big hugs
Liz x

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I tell it as it is. When someone asks how I am, I say that I’m having a really shit year, and that Steve’s death is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. That usually shuts them up.

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I get the generic comments you’re coping so well and your Chris will be smiling down on you! He would want you to move on.
Nothing anyone ever says comforts me and in my head I’m thinking you have no clue how I feel and he isn’t looking down on me smiling how would they know… I think people just don’t know how to react so they come out with utter crap!
If someone asks now I just say I may look okay but I’m broken inside :cry: but I still get it’s early days and you haven’t had all the firsts… as if the second third and even hundreth is going to make any difference

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Good morning @2hard2bear

I’m sorry for you loss :purple_heart:

I think people generally care and struggle to know what to say. I do believe that the majority of people are trying to be supportive and there comments are comming from a good place. It’s impossible to know what to say to someone who has lost a partner as people are very complex. What might be the right this to say to someone will be hurtful to say to another. People will not truly understand unless it has happened to them but it doesn’t mean that they do not care only that they do not how to support you. You could be honest and advise how you would like to be supported and thank them for there thoughts. Id take things with a pinch of salt and think to myself they ment well. I recently went to a wake and seen a friend and her husband and she said give me a text I’ll take you for a coffee, that’ll “cheer you up” bloody hell what I really wanted to say was “like fuck it will” but instead I said that’s kind of you I’ll text you when I’m ready :joy:

I don’t think there is anything good comes out of being held up on what people say, after all the majority have good intentions.

I hope this makes sense :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Oh gimme a break ! You just lost your husband - course youre not up to doing much ! Take it at your own pace and dont listen to anybody else ! I cancelled loads of stuff people invited me to cos just wasnt up to it - especially in those early days xx

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Katyh

Thanks so much for your post especially focusing on the positive. It is sometimes hard to remember that people don’t know what to say so thanks for reminding me. I am also being careful to conserve my energy so don’t want to waste it on explaining things to people. But great response to say I will contact when I am ready.

Appreciate your comments and this community from people who understand.
Thanks
X

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@2hard2bear

It’s just a really hard time we are going through at the moment, the absolute worst. I just think there is no point in feeling extra bad by the actions or words of others, especially when it was more than likely not ment to be insensitive. I know that is easier said than done :hugs:

Take care xx

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Talk about conserving energy. This morning mum rang, I haven’t spoken to her for 4 weeks as she gave me absolutely no support. After explaining to her that I’ve really had enough of a lifetime of this treatment, I was exhausted and realised that I shouldn’t have even picked up the phone. After that, I’ve been SO tired, physically and mentally. I’m ready for bed and it’s only 1915hrs. So many times we have written on this forum to stay away from negative people, but I forgot for a moment and here is the result. Take care, everyone.

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Youre not the only one … i forget about staying away from people like that too ! Its hard when its family - hope u can relax a but tonight xx

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SadGirlfriend,

So sorry to hear it but it’s also really hard to stay away when it’s someone so close. Try to do something good for yourself whether it’s read a good book, have a bath or watch a comedy. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know all of this is easier said than done. My sister can drive me crazy but when she says things that might not be what I want to hear I just try to let it go over my head. I keep thinking she means well but doesn’t know how to deliver it the way I want her to and even if I tell her she probably couldn’t. It’s good you came on this forum to get support. Keep doing it.

I don’t know if I helped but please know people here will listen and support you at the least, so maybe that will help a little?

Take care
Xx

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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, @Deb5 and @2hard2bear, it means a lot. I feel like having a big glass of wine but I won’t!

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Why not a glass of wine ? Xx

Im going out tomorrow night with a friend. It’ll be drinks, a meal and more drinks, we do it once a month, so I’ll save myself.
Having said that…

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