coping with day to day

How to get past feelings of total lost, putting on a brave face for my children and grand children,

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Dear Kathy01

That’s the name of the game after losing one’s loving soul mate. Putting on a brave face for others so as not to draw them into our grief. Perhaps thats the only time we ever get any respite? I’m in a similar position to you and I don’t have any answers for you. Who does? For me its just a case of plodding on from day to day allowing myself to loose myself in life’s irrelevancies like; what shall I eat today? Do I fancy going for a walk? All time killers till its time for bed and escape. And I do manage to escape after a few cans of my favourite beer. And why not? I’m so sorry Kathy I have no solutions for you. Grieving is such a personal experience.

Love and Light.
Geoff.

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Kathy, we become experts at acting. It’s what we British do. Look at other countries they wail and scream but what do we British do. We smile sweetly and after a week or two we act as if nothing has happened. Inside we are broken but to the outside world we put on a show of complete calm. Not sure what good it does us but it’s expected. We don’t want to upset other people.
How do we get past these feelings, I’m afraid I have no idea, I’m not there yet. We just get through each day the best we can. We live in hope.
Take care Kathy.

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Oh how I wish I had the answer of how to get past this feeling of great loss, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, I’m like you Kathy I put on this brave face for the kids and grandkids but as soon as that front door clicked shut after they go home I’m in floods of tears, it’s so hard I can be in a room full of family and I’m looking for him and then I just want to curl up in ball and hide when the one person I want to be with is not and never will be by my side ever again
Sending a gentle hug to you Kathy xx

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I’ve been doing quite well trying to keep myself busy.Then today I received a beautiful photo of us both only taken last November. So started talking and thinking about my darling husband (who only passed away in April)and I’ve been in floods of tears again.Its so hard and something will just trigger it off.Thinking of you all.

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Hello - I have no family. But I like to think that the place you shouldn’t have to put on such a “brave” face is in front of family. Grandchildren should know that Grandma cries because she is sad and it’s okay, sadness & grief are something that happens. Sons & daughters need to know this too. I wish I had known when my father died, my mother hid her grief too well.
The feeling of great loss I will always have…this loss took half of me away in a heartbeat…how does one heal a wound that great? But I do have to try to heal myself - I’m try to be rational about this process of controlling/comforting/healing my emotions. The emotional side still has the upper hand. I (now) live a solitary life - I could easily go days without speaking to someone (other than this forum and a bit of facebook) - but I do make myself go out and talk to strangers. I’m considering counselling. I try to keep myself busy (and there is lots to be done) just because I know I should, not because I want to. I have days (sometimes in a row) where I can’t be bothered to do anything, because “being busy” is just a time filler. I am getting weary of feeling so sad and desolate, weary of crying so much - but I am the only one who can change that…So that being said, I will put on my coat & rain boots and go play in the rain…

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Oh heather if only we lived near each other I would come play in the rain with you,
I do have family, kids grandkids and sister and brother but I still feel so alone, my fault as don’t like to burden them so keep it in till I’m alone then it just hits me so hard,
It so good to be able to come on here and talk to people who know what it’s like, it’s just over two months since I lost my husband and the pain of losing him will never ever go away,
Take care all xxxxxx

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Hi Heather and Linda,
Can I come and play in the rain too?
My children and grandchildren know that when I cry is because I missing my dear Jack
But I also keep busy , work, friends, etc but there isn’t much enjoyment in what I do … one day maybe - but I think that life is precious, we tried so hard to keep Jack alive with us and I know he wouldn’t be very happy if he felt I wasn’t looking after myself
S xx

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In reply to Pattidot and Kathy01. Oh my dears, you are both so right about putting on a brave face. Since the passing of my beloved husband 17 months ago, I am still having to do just that. I still find I am rather emotional at times, in spite of doing my best to cope. I recently found that I can be with people, and, on the face of it, appear to be joining in whatever the social scene might be, but towards the end of such a meeting or gathering I feel tears well up, and I have to look away and try to hide them. Sometimes on this site there has been the discussion of how difficult it is when people in general do not seem to want to know about our grief - another thread, but it is on occasions when the tears are near, that I am grateful for the apparent ignorance. I have recently taken up helping in a charity shop for a few hours each week. I look upon this activity as helping others, and to give myself something to think about and to ‘lift’ myself out of my grief. Towards the end of my two hour shift today, which had been very pleasant working on labelling goods for sale, in congenial company, I suddenly had the familiar feeling of tears descending. Once again, I managed to cope and clear them up. This was an iinstance when, though a difficult feeling, I was glad that my companions didn’t notice, or certainly appeared not to. Perhaps they were just benig tactful. We bereaved go through so many emotions, it is difficult to know what to expect, and how to deal with such a variety of emotions. Like Pat says, we just have to get through each day as best we can. There is no shame or disgrace in feelig the effects of grief. On the whole my day was beneficial from helping at the charity shop, compared with some days when I have difficulty in stopping the tears. We can only do our best. Best wishes to all. Deidre.

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Hi Deidre
I think we just have to accept that it is as it is. Some days are good or days not so, some moments are challenging - I think it will always will be like this - I have accepted this is what it is - I accept my happy moments but there is no joy inside me

I know that I keep repeating myself, but a few weeks ago I stateted doing some cross stitch and it has been very good therapy - it settles my mind - it helps me to stay completely immersed in the present while my soul heals
Sadie xx

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dancing in the rain seems such a great idea, life just is not the same, i am trying to get some normality in my life for the children and grand children, my world in my eyes stopped the day my beautiful John was taken away, but i have to keep the brave face (to fool others) , my hearts goes out to all of us…

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Morning Kathy - we will get used to it
As someone explained to me we will learn to live with this void inside us and life will grow around the void
We are different people with different lives
S x

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Hi Ladies, wise words indeed from you all and oh so true…

Sadie I have decided that this pain will never go away so I am going to do my best to learn to live with it and as you say, learn to live with this void inside us and accept that life will grow around the void. Accept those good days as a bonus and live with the bad. My tears are for Brian, so he knows I haven’t forgotten him. that is how I cope.
I don’t feel my life has finished but I do feel it has changed, not for the better but hopefully I will get used to it eventually.
I would love to join you in a dance in the rain. I happen to love rain.
Sorry I’m smiling at the thought of a bunch of women in their wellies dancing in rain.

Pat xxx

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Its so nice to have the support from others, that have gone and are going through this loss, I have learnt to dance in the rain…fill the void, and cope with everyday moments, and keep my memories alive…thank you all love Kathy xx

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Dear Pat

Yes to dancing in the rain - but lets be brave and go barefoot. If we are going be doing things differently sounds more fun to feel the wet grass between our feet. Can hear Gary saying - you were always mad but that is why I love you. Yes I am living with the void and that void is now part of me - but I still want to be me and the person he loved for forty years.

Trisha xx

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Hi Trisha
I like what you say that you are living w the void but you still want to be you and the person Gary loved.

I wished I could feel this way. The me I am now is different , I died when Jack died - would he live this new woman I am now? Probably , I hope so because I don’t think I can go back to whom I was!!!

Today is 11 months since Jack died - and how I miss him

Sadie xx

What an interesting conversation. I think I’m definitely the same person I always was. I do the same things, I look the same, I’m still in love with the same man. I just carry this extra baggage now; it’s called grief. I think more deeply and I have a sadness inside me which remains hidden to the outside world now most of the time. Sometimes the sadness threatens to choke me but then I overcome it. I feel sure my husband would certainly recognise me as the same person. I think all of us are burdened by our experience and that will stay with us for ever.
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain”

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Hi Kate, I read what you wrote and I like you do the same things and maybe more things because I know I have to make the effort, I look the same, etc but as you said I also carry this sadness inside me, and it is this sadness tahat made me a different person: I have no joy inside me, I have no excitement , I feel very lonely, more cautious, and these feelings made me a different person - I also think that is a part of me that feels that how can I have joy without Jack? Very complex

Hope your Sunday is good
Sadie xx

Hi Pat, interresting what you said that you cry for Brian
I cry for Jack - I cry because he is missing so many things that are happening .
But I mainly cry for my loss, I cry because I miss him, I cry because I miss him close to me etc etc
Have a good Sunday
Sadie xxx

Hi Pat,Kate & Tricia.
I totally understand how you all feel as it’s only just over 4 months since I lost my husband David .One minute I feel I’m coping well the next I’m in floods of tears.Its remembering all the lovely times we had together and as you say the sharing of day to day things.But most of all I just miss him terribly. Its helpful to come on here and know you are not the only one feeling this grief.My love goes out to all of you.Oh by the way my name is Jeanette and I’m 65 my husband was 67 and we were married for 40yrs.x

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