Coping with loosing someone

Need urgent advice for helping me to cope with bereavement

Hi Katt
Is there anything in particular you wanted advice on?
I lost my lovely mum very suddenly 16 months ago and struggle terribly.
I also lost my dad and all my grandparents 22 years ago.

Hi. Katt. Advice is difficult because we all grieve in our own way. Emotional grief is Nature’s way of helping relieve stress, so allow emotions to come. If you read some of the many posts from those who are coping on here you may get some help from that. We are a community and help each other as much as we are able. One thing you will get here is understanding. Platitudes and clichés have no effect on grief. We need comfort and empathy not sympathy.
Come back and talk some more if you feel like it. You are among friends. Blessings. John.

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Thanks for your response

Katt, there isn’t much help but to say we understand more than many others so we won’t just give you BS answers like many in “real life” do because we have learned there is no answer, bereavement is horrid and lonely and no one can make it better. Maybe you could tell us a bit more about your situation and who you lost?

I only came here three weeks ago as my healthy husband suddenly died of a heart attack in my arms on a regular Monday morning. This site gave me some comfort.

Sorry to here about your husband I lost nan 2 years ago with kidney failure and mum nearly a year ago due to cancer I have suffered depression and anxiety for 3 years now

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Very sorry about your nan and your mum, what a massive change to your life in just a short period. Is there ever anything that takes your mind off it all for minutes or an hour or anyone you talk to in real life about it? There is no solution I think, it’s just so hard and I’m sorry.

What was your life like before, when you still had them both? What kind of things did you like doing that you don’t now?

Hi Katt,
I lost my Mum 9 months ago and am also struggling to cope. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and developed anxiety attacks feel in a very lonely place.

@Janey1 sorry that your mum was taken from you, its just so unfair and I hope something happens to ease your loneliness. If you feel like it please tell us more about your mum and how you’re feeling. Take care x

My mum was the sweetest, kindest person, the best mum you could wish for. She put family first and was very generous with her time in helping others. She also was a counsellor she helped so many people with their problems. She had dementia for a few years and had to go into a Nursing home as it got too much for my Dad with personal care. She passed away in her sleep but not from the dementia. It was such a shock to get that phone call. It was hard as i wasn’t there to hold her hand when she passed.

HI. Janey and Welcome. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems that with many folk anxiety and often depression follow on from bereavement. Anxiety attacks can take many forms and can be very upsetting and distressing. But your body is reacting to distress caused by a feeling of danger. Yes, when bereaved we just can’t face the future without our loved ones, so we feel in danger of losing everything. Your body goes into the fight/flight mode. It’s Nature’s way of preparing you for escape. This was handed down from our caveman ancestors. Sometimes that knowledge of what is happening can help. But I strongly advise you to see your GP if you haven’t already done so. They can help if only with advice. Nine months is so little time. Grief takes as long as it takes and requires a lot of patience. Keep posting. You have already had some helpful replies. We all know and care because we have all been there.
Kind regards and Blessings. John.

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Hi Johnathan,
Thank you for your condolences and sincere wishes. I am trying to take the time to read other people’s messages about how they are coping. It is interesting to read your message about the fight and flight mode, am going to try and process that.
Have you been in this situation Johnathan, can you share anything or is it too personal?
Yes i agree 9 months is not that long especially as i have read other people have been grieving for more than 2 years. Crying everyday i guess those tears are healing tears. My mum was so intrinsical to my life and i had such an overwhelming love for her. It’s so painful and just felt like yesterday.
I am very hard on myself and need to take your advice to be more patient.
Kind regards and thank you for your advice

So sorry Katt that you lost two special people in your life. I understand what you are going through and it’s so very hard. Hope you are able to have help from your gp or sometimes a psycholgist can help. Not sure if this name will help but i have been listening to Marisa Peers on You tube. please let me know if there are any suggestions you have that have helped you. Thank you for listening

I found comfort in your words John, thank you. Really struggle to get on with life after a loss of a loved one, keep having panic attacks and feel extremely depressed. Thank you

Hi. Natalija. If only we could realise that panic and anxiety are our body’s response to what we are going through. The body reacts to thoughts often in an alarming way. ‘Oh my God, another panic attack, what shall I do?’ When you think that way you add fear to fear and prolong the episode.
Better to say, ‘well, here you are again. But this time I will not resist you. I will let you come and see it through as calmly as possible’. Adrenaline, the fear hormone, has a limited life. It always passes if we let it and don’t try and stop it. It may seem I am asking a lot, but I am not really. Calm patient acceptance and allowing time to pass can work wonders with anxiety. Anxiety added to grief can so often seem like a nightmare.
Take it as easy as you can. You will be OK if you give up the struggle.
Very best wishes. John.

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Hi. Janey. Patience is not easy. In grief it can be more than difficult, and in the early stages almost impossible. It’s OK for me to tell about my experience with anxiety. Anxiety has so much in common with the feelings and emotions in grief. The future looks bleak, It goes on from day to day with no let up. Mornings and evenings can be the worse times. We can hardly imagine being well again and despair can set in. Depression often accompanies anxiety. It was not grief that made me have anxiety but a general discontent with life. It lasted two years and was most of the time a living hell. But I had counselling from a lovely guy who was a retired Anglican priest. He set me on the road to counselling which gave me purpose in life. My introduction to human behaviour was often traumatic, but I stuck it out and for many years practised. Now this brings me to ‘The dark cloud that breaks with Blessings on your head’. Had it not been for the breakdown (breakthrough!) I would not have found my true vocation.
Although it may not seem so at the time, but every dark cloud has a silver lining. We can learn so much about ourselves and others as we proceed on this painful journey. I have coped so far because of my belief that nothing ever dies. It is transformed into something else on a level of which we have little understanding.
Let the tears come. It can give some little relief. I do hope you begin to feel little bit better. My sincere good wishes and Blessings. John.

Thank you for commenting it’s coming up to a year since I lost mum and I’m still suffering depression and anxiety don’t ever think I will get easier

Please don’t give into this bad bout of grief and anxiety. We are all given courage in equal amounts and you have your share. I can assure you, given the right help and support you can and will recover from anxiety. Grief may still stay with you for some time. We will never forget, but it does get easier. Be kind to yourself John.-

Hi John,
I am finding your words very comforting and can relate to what you are expressing, not all but am trying to process it. Thank you so much for sharing

Hi John,

Thank you for your advice I will definitely use it in the future :slight_smile: