Coping with my wife's funeral

My wonderful wife passed away four weeks ago and Tuesday is the day of her funeral. I’m not coping with life at all. This has shocked me to my bones. I sob, I cry, I can’t get out of bed so work I suffering. I can’t eat. I have support around me but I still can’t get through this pain. How am I going to cope at her funeral. Our music is being played rather than hymns. I want to speak but I don’t think I will be able to. I already harbour guilt over her death now I feel I will let her down at her funeral. How do I manage all these emotions.

Morning Stevie
Devastated for you buddie, I can’t say this is going to be easy because you and I know it’s not. Stay strong and hopefully you will find strength to get through the funeral and the coming months… for me I found an inner coping mechanism from somewhere or someone.
Keep busy if you can and surround yourself with family and friends.
I do wish you well.
From Glasgow.

Cheers Barry I usually manage to keep myself together but this has really pulled me down. Other People on this site seem to be coping far better than I seem to be

I suggest that you ensure that you have seen the coffin, open or closed as you wish. Otherwise it can be a dreadful shock if your first sight is when it is brought in to the church/chapel.
Suggest same to other family.

Steel yourself to be a coffin bearer, with other family and friends if they want to. Funeral Directors are used to this, and will help and be standing by, though you’ll be in tears as you do it. You will be glad you did this - I guarantee it.

Do the tribute/eulogy. Get it written down and printed off in a nice large font, well spaced. Rehearse it - both at home and in the church if you can get access. Read it out loud to a trusted friend as part of your rehearsal, time it, encourage your listener to be critical, and listen to any comments or advice - but in the final analysis trust your own judgement. Get used to the parts that may be particularly difficult and likely to bring a tear.
Try and include something which will make people smile, or even laugh. Everybody wants to think of good times.
Tell little stories that most people won’t know.
Have a spare copy printed, and ask somebody else (the Minister maybe) to be following the script and be ready to step in to take over if you crack up.
Do not worry about cracking up though - you will have huge sympathy and respect for trying.
Remember, remember, remember, you are there to do honour to her. She’ll be proud of you.

Get writing, get amending, get rehearsing.

You’ll do it.

Thank you I will try

You’ll do it.

I found the hardest bit was at the crematorium which came before the service of thanksgiving. Having been to several funerals at the same crematorium I knew exactly what to expect and when it would hit me really hard. The first sight of the hearse turning off the road and up the drive, the going in behind the coffin to the strains of Elvis singing “Always on my mind”. The minister had a well rehearsed format which wasn’t too difficult and then the curtains closed and I started to breath again. We left to the sounds of her favourite Take That song. I’m glad I didn’t deliver the eulogy despite the fact I’m generally a confident public speaker. That was a central part of the service of remembrance and I couldn’t have coped with looking at so many family and friends in tears. I went to see my wife on the eve of the funeral as I felt I would regret it otherwise. I have mixed feelings about that now. The rest of the day of the funeral was a blur although I know I relaxed a bit. I just kept telling myself that it wasn’t much of her in the coffin… just an empty shell. I wore her wedding ring and found it comforting to stroke or rub it during the more difficult bits of the day.

Dear Stevie
As both Edwin and Yorkshire Lad have posted , you will get through this and the strength to do so will come to you. Your wife’s spirit has already left her body and will be with you…remember that you are in this position because of your mutual love and trust in that love to enable you to do the best that you can…God bless youx

Thank you for your message. I know your right b er spirit has left I hope you are right about her being with me. I miss her so much.

Hi Stevie wee. You will find the strength to get through the day. If you can’t shed tears at your beloveds funeral then when can you! Thinking of you.

Hi - I’ve not commented before but read with interest & understanding- I lost my hubby 17/10 unexpectedly even though he’d had cancer for 5.5 years - I am still in denial & think he’ll come home soon - if I can offer one thought which I shared with my daughters parents brother etc on day of funeral - ’ this day is going to be sad, hopefully some smiles possibly laughter amongst the tears however the worst day of our lives was the day my hubby died - we survived that & the funeral cannot be any worse - xxx we took ages to plan it all & it was a wonderful service however I’m now sinking lower & lower each day my year actually aches with physical pain x

Sorry not found an edit button but it’s my heart that is aching with physical pain - perhaps the ‘years’ slip is just how long this will continue

It’s still really raw with me… I’m at work now driving my cab but every where I drive reminds me of her. Taking her to work seeing her crossing the road. God I miss her. The pain is physical. I’m still in denial and it’s odd but I’m not eating anything why does that give me comfort. I don’t know but it does. I can’t see any future now just want to crawl back in to bed where I feel the closest to her


I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, and if I can send out vibes to give you strength, I will.

I won’t presume to speak for others, but my money is on lots of them feeling the same way too.

What time is the funeral, and where ?

Will be thinking of you on Tuesday and sending a prayer your way. X

The funeral is at 11am in Cambridge. Strangely we had spoken about what we both wanted previously so I know what songs to play, where she wanted to be buried favourite flowers so I am lucky in that sence. I already realise she has gone and all there is is a shell. I understood that when I went to see her at the funeral home. But saying goodbye again is going to be so hard. She was a popular girl having lived on the same housing estate all her life so goodness knows how many people will turn up. I have written and really would like to read it out. Maybe I will find some inner strength tomorrow.

Thank you for your support xx

I’m going to another funeral on Thursday. My Aunt had just celebrated her 98th birthday and then died suddenly. Despite being very close to her, and having a lot of love for her, I don’t feel anything much. It’s just passing me by as I’m still grieving so much for my wife. Although I am the executor my brother has stepped in to arrange the funeral. I expect it to be another tough day. Just 12 weeks after my wife’s funeral. I’m dreading it.

So sorry to hear you have to go through this again. As you heard it’s my wife’s funeral tomorrow .so today, and it may not work I’m going to try to be a bit more positive. You know what if she is watching me she will be so pissed at me. She was so full of life and here I am doing exactly the opposite. Maybe il only keep it up for an hour but I’m going to try. Tomorrow I have to keep strong somehow for the kids. I owe it to her to help them through. I’m so devastated upset angry at all of this that I’m losing sight of the bigger picture.I miss her so much every day looking at the world through tears. But she loved me as well and with that love she would hate seeing me like this. Just writing this has made me cry but since she passed this is the first time I’ve thought like this even though it only lasted minutes. Good luck Thursday il be thinking of you. Il let you know how tomorrow goes x

I shall be thinking of you tomorrow Stevie and hoping everything goes as well as it can in the circumstances. You will be surrounded by love.

I felt the same as you upon visiting my husband in the funeral parlour. He wasn’t there. I didn’t cry. I felt absolutely nothing. There was no presence in that room, it felt completely empty.

Good luck for tomorrow. You will get through it because you have no choice. Someone put a Bob Marley quote on another thread yesterday:

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”

Very apt.

Sending love xx