Coping

Hi, I’m Stu,
On the 16th of May I lost my beautiful wife to brain cancer. She was 52. She had battled 4 different cancers in the last 8 years, she was & still is the love of my life, I’m finding it difficult to cope, the days seem so long. When i get up in the morning i break down in tears & same when I go to bed. & it comes in waves all day. I have never been a cryer but this has hit me for six,i have never felt pain like this. I myself suffer with MS so i try to keep busy but with my illness its difficult.

Hi Stu, I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your wife and at such a young age, how you are feeling is completely normal, I think I spent the first 6 months in tears, then gradually it got less, but even now 9 years down the line, certain things and memories will start me off again, just take every day at a time, some will be better than others, but that’s ok, hopefully you will find some support from this forum, be kind to yourself xx

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Hello Stu, I am truly sorry for your loss. What a difficult few years you’ve had. Your beautiful wife was a fighter, she didn’t want to leave you. Your grief is so raw, take is easy, take it slowly. In the words of a children’s story book ‘We can’t go under it, we can’t go over it, we have to go through it.’ And that’s exactly what we do Stu, we go through it, but we never quite come out the other end. Perhaps a better description is to say we move forward with our grief and our grief moves forward with us. Grief becomes our new companion. It’s been three years this month since I lost the most amazing man in the world. Whilst it doesn’t define me, my grief is now a part of who I am. I carry my grief with pride. It reminds me that the rarest soul in the world was mine, is mine still, will always be mine. Of course, I would much rather he was here in person but that can’t be. I do feel him all around me though. I live with his spirit which is better than not living with him at all. My love for him continues to grow, filling my heart almost to bursting point. I can smile, laugh, sing and dance again. I can know a certain happiness and contentment, always carrying my husband with me. None of this will be be of any solace to you at the moment Stu, but I wanted you to know that there is a future. Not the future we had planned but a different future. I wanted you to know that there is hope. There is hope.

I remember the early days, after my loss, only too well. The pain was agonising, excruciating. There’s no pain on earth like it. The tears just kept flowing. How was I ever going to move forward? I had no idea and I still have no idea but I do know that I have. It just happened - slowly, gradually.

I hope you can find some comfort from this site; I know I have. Nothing can ease your sadness at this time but just knowing others understand and are going through the same thing, can offer some help and support. You are not alone.
Sending love and strength. xx

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Hi. Kate. There is no more to say. You have really said it all.
‘There is hope’. Oh yes indeed. My light gets brighter now and there are more better times than bad. But it’s all so agonisingly slow. Best wishes. John.

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Absolutely John. I could say a lot more and I know you could too. The thing is, I’m always fearful that my words will be of little or no comfort to the newly bereaved because of where I am on my grief journey. But we understand, don’t we John? We’ve been there. I can recall those early days, vividly, and yet I struggle to find the right words for the newly bereaved. Why is that, I wonder? :thinking: x

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Hi Kate,
Your words and your experience, so far through all of this, is great help and comforting to know we can get through the most painful of times in our lives .
Don’t be fearful of sharing your thoughts, it helps everyone who is newly bereaved.
At the beginning it is all so very raw and we feel we can never get through it, so it is nice to read others who are further down the line as we say.
Thank you xx

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Bless you Steph, thank you. :kissing_heart:

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Thank you Kate - love the quote from the children’s book . I am 8 months since my lovely hubby died . I think my grief has made me realise how dreadful it is losing a husband of 50 years . It certainly makes me more understanding of others who suffer the same loss too . However EVERY loss is personal to that person and we all find different ways to cope . I miss my husband every minute of every day BUT some days are worse than others . I find distraction helps but with lockdown that has been an extra thing to deal with . I am lucky to have family and friends to chat with every day . However they don’t want to hear me crying and grumbling all the time . I recently started zoom counselling which is good as I can say anything to her !! Look forward to seeing my 9 grandchildren as soon as I can - Good wishes to all and look after yourselves .

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Hello Susan. The children’s book isn’t about grief at all but it fits. It’s called ‘We’re going on a bear hunt’. I used to read it to my children many years ago. I was surprised to hear those very words uttered on Casualty last Saturday.
I’m pleased your Zoom counselling is helping you. Sending love and hugs to you Susan. xx

Hi. Kate. You do yourself an injustice. I have never found your words to be anything but right for the occasion. The difficulty I have is not knowing enough about the person to comment. Sometimes it only one line from a newcomer, and it seems they are reaching out tentatively because they find opening up painful. After all, those who have not been here long don’t really know each other and our circumstances.
I remember I was very hesitant about coming here because I imagined it would all be platitudes and cliches. Far from it.
I suppose none of us realised what grief would be like never having really suffered. When my parents died at a good age I did mourn, but nothing like the present grief. I accepted their deaths far more easily.
Struggling to find the right words is understandable. What can we say!? Words are totally inadequate. There are no words to express how we or they feel. But I do think that all the replies given are from the heart. Keep moving forward Kate. We journey together.

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Sweet Jonathan. Thank you x

got agree with Jonathan,you hit the nail directly on the head in your responses Kate,sadly some of us like myself have hit my thumb more times than I care to mention.
and yes it can be hard when the thread started by a newbie only involves a sentence with little if any real insight into the person behind the thread.so can be way easier when a person as written several replies and revealed a little behind the emotions to be able give a more individual response as oppose to a generic response aimed at every one and any one.my 2 cents.
sorry for your loss Stu.
nothing add just know lots of us are in your boat,and totally understand the emotions going through your whole body.say what ever you need ask anything and hopefully one of the caring considerate members will try help if at all possible.
just know you are not on your own on this traumatic life altering journey.
regards
ian

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Hi Jude, thanks for your kind words.

Hi Kate, thank you. Finding it difficult at the moment. Thanks for your lovely words.
Stu

Hi Stu so sorry that you lost your precious wife I myself lost my husband 6 weeks ago I was on automatic pilot at first then it sinks in The only advice I can give is she will be looking after you and keep talking to her I do this all the time to my hubby Keeo busy and keep in touch with with family and friends who will be there for you

Hi, I’m sorry for your loss, it’s been almost 5 weeks now & people say it will get easier in time, but at the moment it just seems to be getting worse. I’ve never been an emotional person but this has knocked me out. I seem to break down at the slightest thing. She was the love of my life & I feel robbed as she was only 52. My life revolved around her. I myself suffer with MS, so she use to do for me, but as from xmas last year when she had her 1st seizure I had to take care of her. Difficult at times but we managed some how. Thanks again, I hope you are doing ok.
Cheers Stu

Thank you for your response We were married 30 years he was my soulmate He was never ill but cancer got him I was so grateful to be with him at the end Please speak and communicate to friends and family at this time Iam here if you ever need to chat

Remember what your lovely wife would want for you. Everything I have done in the last year has been with my husband in mind. Painful as the year has been it has kept the despair and self pity at bay and got me through the first 12 months. Speak to the stars when you next have a clear evening, its emotional but heart warming.

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Hello Stu
I would like to share with you my blog, where I’m sharing the Absolute Miracle that is happening in my life. The Miracle that will bring you comfort and Faith, knowing that your wife in waiting for you in a Beautiful Heaven.

God Bless
Anna

Hi Anna, Thanks for your kind words, sorry for your loss, finding it difficult at the moment,
Thanks Stu

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