Hi Suzanne
No way!! I bet you couldn’t believe that with the customers !!
xx
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Hello Christine
I just thought I’d check in and say Good Morning to you and everyone else.
I hope you are coping but if not just do whatever it takes to get by and know that we are all here if things are getting heavy on you.
Much love xx
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Hi Christine, sorry haven’t got back sooner. The operation went well, the consultant said my bones were badly damaged and it needed doing. First time I’ve ever had an epidural, strange watching you leg being held in the air, to be cleaned and not aware of it was being done. Never realised my leg could stretch that high.
I don’t remember anything of the operation, I was given sedation and slept through the whole thing. Only woke at the end as they were taking me through to recovery.
Haven’t been able to sleep well, the pain at night sleeping on my back to keep my leg straight, not a natural position for me usually sleep on my left side. I had to stay in an extra day as the diamorphine they gave me kept making me sick, as I live on my own wanted to make sure I would be okay. Now on a mixture of three other painkillers, still feel a bit queasy but better than I did. I have to self inject myself with a blood thinner to stop blood clots, not so keen on that but only for 14 days. Can’t believe how tired I feel all the time. Walking is an effort, I’m on crutches now, started off on a zimmer frame. I now have an impressive bruise on my leg.
The nurses and doctors were very nice at the hospital and looked after me really well. It was the same ward that Doug had been on when he broke his leg.
My daughter visited me every day with one of our grandchildren, only allowed two visitors at a time. I’ve been looked after well since I have got home, my daughter and son are doing all the jobs around my house that I can’t do at the moment. Had so many visitors and messages of get well.
I have been signed off work for 6 weeks but likely to not return to work until after October half term. Got to have the staples removed in two weeks, start physio at end of September and see consultant again in eight weeks.
By the time I go back to work I will only have 7 weeks left until I retire.
At least I will be mobile for our family holiday to Teignmouth at Oct half term.
I hope you are okay and got through the bank holiday weekend, did you go to the cemetery with your niece ?
I’m off to bed soon after another exhausting day.
Sending love
Debbie xx
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Hi Christine,
Hoping you are doing ok?
Not feeling too great myself, had an upset stomach for a couple of days - feeling sorry for myself.
Not much going on this week, just wanted to say hello & let you know missing your posts.
Take care, love Alison xx
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Hi all
Hope everyone is well. And welcome new people on the thread, sorry you have to find yourself here.
Sorry I have been MIA for so long again. All sorts happening and I just seem to be in a constant state of chasing my own tail!
@christine51 glad the card arrived safely. Mum was the card person in our house, she had a huge stash and the reason yours smelled so nice was it was in a drawer with some wax melts!
How are you doing?
I won’t bore you my stresses and such but the one constant has been the sponsored swim. It has been soooo cold!
Last night was my final leg of the swim so decided to do it in style and got dressed up for the occassion 
I am sorry for everyone with eyes but here’s the pictures from last night (wish I could share the video on here!)
The picture of me and the chocolate is a ‘thank you’ bar my cousin’s hubby sent me. He is the one currently battling bowel cancer. So far the treatment is going to plan.
Raised £1001 so far!
Otherwise it’s been work, cleaning, tidying, stressing, bit more work! Oh and crochet! We are back crocheting poppies ready to increase our Remembrance Day display. Also crocheting scarves for the people I swim with on a Wednesday night!
Have been enjoying some tv binge watching lately, just been in the mood for it!
It feels like Autumn already. My garden has totally got away from me again, just not been a summer to be outside gardening.
Did you see the blue moon last night? Beautiful.
@NEILB72 how are the theatre trips. I just had the booklet for my local theatre and nothing takes my fancy much bar one play with Rupert Everett in it - he’s a good actor and quite the character, may be worth going to see that. Am going to see Grayson Perry’s one man show later in September which should be interesting.
Take care all,
love, Beki x
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Hi Beki
Thanks for posting the pics. Always good to see what everyone is up to! Nothing much on at my local theatre either but have got a trip to the West End next Thursday to see Grease - Jason Donovan starring as ’ Teen Angel’ so that should be fun.
Haven’t been posting as much as I used to but am trying to keep up with everyone.
Speak again soon.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
Hope you are bearing up ok.
Just thought I’d say hello.
He had the procedure yesterday so it says on the paper that it’s 6weeks wait approx for biopsies result. It seems a long time considering. They said also that he had gastritis and duodenitis.
There was also this prisoner in handcuffs there and my brother didn’t like the way the prisoner was looking at him so he stood up, puffed his chest out and said to him “Can I help you?” Wouldn’t like to think what the prison guards thought!
Anyway after that, despite the offer of being driven home he decided to walk to the Tesco for a snack and then get in his car and drive home. Which he shouldn’t. Im sure men (some) grow older but don’t actually grow up, at least in the common sense department Sorry about that sweeping statement Neil and Nick if you saw that!
I know of nothing nice in the way of cheerful news but just wanted to come and say Hello. I can understand you aren’t feeling too well, it’s totally understandable, but I and everyone are thinking of you. We miss your chatty news but sometimes people just need peace and quiet don’t they to gather their thoughts or take cover for a bit when they don’t feel up to chit-chat. So just hold on the best you can til it passes and if you need us we are here.
I’m thinking you will have been to the Remembrance Garden since last posting. I hope you managed OK and that your Niece went with you for a bit of support.
I’ll say see you for a while and I’ll pop back soon. Look after yourself and get a brew and a chocolate bar out and watch a bit of TV. Doesn’t make things any better but it sometimes calms a busy mind.
Much love xx
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Hi all,
Finding it difficult again since adding Porsch to the shrine, creating picture galleries throughout the house, and receiving her memorial statue. The house is so empty. I went out to therapy Tues and came back home for the first time since she passed. I always shouted to her that I was home and realised I can’t do that now. I still wish her a good night, along with mam. Not sleeping again, sleeping during the day, the smallest tasks feel huge (dishes etc). There is no reason now to wake up, get up, do anything. Can’t get in the garden because the car bloke is always there and coughs as soon as I open the kitchen door. The creep has been at home all week. Not being productive in the garden cuts off my energy / productive button and I become unable to function very quickly. I imagine going swimming, for a walk in the park, visiting the woods, getting a new chain for my bike now it is Autumn but I do none of these things. I sleep or watch a film / Judge Judy until evening comes, watch tv and then go to bed and watch camping youtube videos which are comforting and readying me for sleep (2 or 3 am). The silence and absence of Porsch, my role in caring for her now being redundant, is deafening. The effort to post or even read and catch up is hard at the mo. But my anxiety in not doing finds me here. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. But here are my pics so far. The galleries in the bathroom and bedroom have dropped off the wall so I’m waiting for better sticky tabs.
Kitchen gallery:
Shrine gallery:
Shrine memorial:
Remembrance Book prepared:
Poetry tribute for Porsch on the cremation site (click on link):
Online tribute to “Porschapoopoo” (cpccares.com)
Just a quick hello to you all:
Tina, I’m pleased your bro has had the procedure. Waiting 6 weeks will be torture but time will pass, as we know it does regardless of how we feel. Was amused with the image of your bro acting brave against the prisoner (think the handcuffs helped!) Silly boy driving. Hope he doesn’t do himself a mischief. You can settle now until needed again. Hope he is kind to you and appreciates your support.
I haven’t been to the memorial garden yet. Maybe’s it will help me to settle and start doing stuff again. I got a lovely message from the crem about the garden. I will be able to take my little memorial but I can’t create an elaborate shrine with ribbons for her. I’ll ask if I can do a rainbow braid around a tree trunk instead. She isn’t in the garden yet (Dec to Jan). But I don’t think it matters really. She is there because she was cremated there. It will be a link to home for her and for me to express my love because I can’t do that at home.
Debbie, so pleased you are home and doing well. Having lots of support will get you through what you need to do. Accept all the help offered. Rest and eat well, indulge in treats to keep you going, enjoy your book and puzzles. It’s all a blur now when mam got her new hip. It will only get easier, I’m sure. And having more time off work is a real bonus. See this as getting you ready for your retirement. And having a holiday booked to look forward to will be a good timeline to work to to keep you going.
Suzanne, thank you for my lovely pressie. I love the little paw print.
Seeing your beautiful pics reminds me of the freedom I will feel when I do get out to the park / woods. Nothing better than a big space, fresh air, physically being away from the upset of Porsch. Did you get any more sorting done? Sorting the easy stuff will have cleared a lot of bumph and ready you to tackle the more difficult stuff. Glad you are enjoying your time off, getting out and about, even if you can’t escape your customers! Never heard of that meat expression. Such a weird one.
Beki, loved your swim pics. Been waiting for them. Love your swim hat! Did you customize it yourself? Still amazed you’re doing it now the summer heat is cooling down. I’ve been wearing socks and cardy for bed. Going to be hot next week again. Fab that you have raised that much and really lovely that the hubby gave you a yummy thank you gift. Shows he appreciates all you are doing. Glad to see the knitting and crochet is still going strong. Maybe’s your ladies can wear their scarves for their winter swimming! That would make a fab pic. Being busy keeps you going. I find it difficult when I stop and then find it hard to get going again. So don’t stop! You could always do your winter swimming in a pool until it warms up again.
Alison, I find weekends and holidays really hard too because I would always go over mam’s for a garden party, BBQ, Sunday tea, visiting the garden centre, doing the garden, doing jobs etc. I really miss the old house before they moved into assisted living. I just miss her. And now Porsch is gone too I feel even more alone. Didn’t think I could feel any worse after losing mam. I know I’ll get back into it again, living life, being busy, getting things done. I looked at the simple seam stitching for my textiles and put it away again. I’ll get there. Did you get your glasses sorted? That will be an achievement. I still haven’t given the bags of food to the animal rescue charity. But I did wipe the blackboard of Porsch’a timetable of tablets and weight records. It’s as if she is being deleted from the house. Haven’t got into the garden apart from feeding the birds and fox. Just not brave enough at the mo. I’m going to tie the rainbow braids around the big tree trunks to celebrate Porscha’s love of her garden. Maybe’s decorate the steel frame of her daybed where she loved to sit. Just have no oomph at the mo. It’s good that you have your holiday with your mam to look forward to. It’s something you will enjoy even if you aren’t feeling good at the mo. I find recharging my batteries when I am sad is necessary for when I am feeling able to join the world again. I’ll get there. And you will too.
Neil, Glad you have Grease to look forward to next week. The original was on tv but I only caught the end of it where Sandy dresses up in her sexy outfit. Still don’t see why everyone fancies John Travolta. Preferred him in Sat Night Fever. Fab dancer. Will the ballet season be starting again? Mam always took the children to the local xmas panto at The Old Bull Arts Centre. She was a fabulous dancer, trained in ballet and tap, and then danced in the clubs in Newcastle as a teenager until she met dad, got married and settled down to having a family. She loved life, getting all dressed up, buying fabric on a Sat morning to make a new outfit for the evening. Wish I had her zest for life. I hope life is ticking along and you are still enjoying your regular chats with your friend. Do you have any plans for meeting up? I’m hoping to get my oomph back soon, to get a bike chain so I can get out in the woods and park again. Have to try harder to start my swimming again too.
Nick, I hope you’re recovering from the stress of the move. It will have really taken it out of you. Did you get the things sorted or into storage until later? I hope you had help. And are you still going for your walks in the park? Hope so. I know how hard it becomes to keep going. Starting again after stopping is the hardest of all.
Nic, I hope you are well and the girls are settling down to getting back to school. I always hated going back after the long summer hols but once there quickly settled down to a routine again. I think there is a comfort in routine, gets us through the day, putting time behind us so we can feel a sense of achievement. I’m quite exhausted now after posting. Losing Porsch has really taken it out of me. But it comforting having her all around me. Or she will be when I get my new stickers.
Lots of love to you all. xxx
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Hi Christine,
Lovely to hear from you, was worrying about you. Of course losing Porsch has taken it out of you, losing anyone we love is just the worst thing in the world.
Your shrine to Porsch is beautiful & the poetry tribute on the cremation site brought tears to my eyes - it is lovely. The memorial statue is so pretty.
Sorry you cannot get into the garden due to the creep & the car bloke. Hopefully things will improve for you next week.
I have not been at all productive this week, not done a lot really. I have felt really down & not great. Hopefully next week will be better for both of us.
Going to take my glasses back tomorrow morning, do not get chance to get there during the week. I honestly think they have given me someone else’s prescription.
Anyway hope you have peaceful, restful weekend.
Take care & lots of love, Alison xxx
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Hi Alison,
I think putting my energy into creating the prints / galleries/ tributes for Porsch kept me going for a short time and now I just feel so lost without her. Coming back home after therapy hit me for the first time that she really isn’t at home. She would come to greet me, call out, follow me into the kitchen for a bite. I keep thinking how busy I am when not hit with grief. I wish I had given her the time I have now, now that nothing I did before means anything to me now. She loved it when I wasn’t busy. If I had known it was her last week I would have got her favourite treats in, stopped forcing her to have the tablets she hated, sit with her all day long, carry her around the garden she loved, sleep next to her every night on the floor. I knew she wasn’t well but couldn’t imagine her not being here. She trusted me to love her and look after her and I made the decision to have her die. I can still hear her cry from the vet room when I wasn’t with her getting the canula fitted. It was like I was sleep walking through the whole thing. I wish I had done things differently, been more aware of what was happening. I love and miss her like she is my child. I am totally lost without her.
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Hi Christine,
You need something to keep you going and you are bound to feel totally lost without her. You gave her so much love & were together for so long it will hurt like hell now you are on your own. I feel for you I really do. I lost my dog 30 years ago and when I think about her leaving me I can still cry, I loved her so much. But also we are so vulnerable anyway as we have lost someone so precious to us, for you your mam, for me my Rich & dad - so it hits you even harder.
You know you loved her & she knew you loved her. You are torturing yourself again that you did not do enough, when you were trying your hardest to keep her with you in the last week.
Why do we all beat ourselves up that we did not do enough or done things differently. We do know - we are just hurting and that makes us torment ourselves for some weird reason. Love hurts & when we lose the love that hurts even more. And you will be totally lost without her - but look at all the lovely, beautiful things you are doing for her to show her your love.
Stop beating yourself up. I know you are not a hugger but I am 
sending you a few virtual hugs & love. xxxx
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Hi Alison,
I do agree with you. I did everything I could and was so stressed at the end because what I was doing was failing. Wishing it wasn’t real, that it could have been different, that I’m turning on myself because it is the only thing I can do etc. I miss her, looking after her because she needed me to even though I’m not naturally maternal. I kept wondering what mam would have done, said, advised etc. Doing the photos etc is better than not doing anything at all. But it doesn’t help. Having her all around me makes me miss having her here for real. I don’t think I can take anymore sadness. It feels like I’ll break. To sleep away the time is the easiest thing to do, then I only have to miss her when I’m awake.
Thank you for my hug! I’m so not used to being hugged / touched / comforted etc that when I was crying my eyes out at the vets and the receptionist came over and hugged me it felt so alien to me. I let her but I felt like a robot. This is how isolated I have become.
Nothing on tv tonight so I’m back in bed and will look for a film. So tired and bored, sick of feeling sad but know I can’t do anything to change things. Porscha would have to return in the morning as if it was all a bad dream for things to feel like normal again. And if mam was to visit me I’d be ecstatic with joy that my life wasn’t really real anymore. I’ll clean the fishtank tomorrow , clean the floors and bathroom. Have a shop being delivered in the evening. My therapist thinks I should live in the moment, not grieve for her, move forward, that she is no longer in pain / ill. I can’t switch off. Like you say, we are all vulnerable and more susceptible to grief now. I can’t / won’t pretend that I love her less than I do. The things that meant so much before mean nothing now. All I want is for them both to come back. It won’t happen and that makes it worse because I can’t change things.
I’m so very tired of being sad
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Hi Christine,
Hope you had a comfortable night and managed to find a film to watch.
I went to bed early. I know what you mean about sleeping away the time - sleep is my retreat from the horrible lonely life I now endure without my love. Only trouble is the waking up at the crack of dawn every day, not even any light yet. Sometimes I wake up & forget this is my life now, expect it all to have been a bad dream & things are back to normal. No normal nowadays. I was planning on meeting a pal for a drink last night, but decided I was better on my own. I’m struggling a bit at the moment. I need to get going with a jigsaw, stops my mind whirring round. I never did jigsaws until after he left me, but find they are a great distraction for me. I have managed to do the outside of one during this week - so need to get on with it. Even watching TV my mind wanders to places I don’t want it to go. Usually fall asleep watching TV nowadays, hardly ever see the end of anything, that’s why I watch crap. 
I know what you mean about feeling tired of being sad. I cannot remember what it feels like to feel happy. I put the face on but it is only a mask. Underneath I am thinking why is this my life, what did I do that was so awful that I deserved this. Other people still have their love and they don’t love them as much as I loved him/him me. It’s not fair.
Plans for today are - opticians for opening time, hoovering, dusting, load of washing, cut the grass, racing on TV this afternoon, fall asleep, drinks this evening with mum & pal, sleep. Nothing yet planned for tomorrow.
Hope you have had a good sleep and feel slightly better today, know you will not be ok, but hoping you can manage to function.
Sending a couple of hugs again.
xx
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Hello Christine
I hope the next few days will be more settled than the last have been. I understand completely about opening the front door. I had a permanent fear Zara (our previous GSD) would escape and I’d always pause before opening the door wider and when I did this without needing to for the 1st time it was heartbreaking. But you’ve done that hurdle now. There’ll never need to be a 1st time again and with each passing time the pain will get ever so slightly less than the last. Pets have a “presence” all of their and the silence can be unbearable so dont go thinking you need to feel less distressed anytime soon. All in your own good time.
I am in awe of your shrine to Porsch Christine I really am. I can see why you have had a surge of extra sadness as now you have finished where does all the energy/sadness go? I can remember that happening when you’ve been busy doing things for your Mam and then once completed there is nowhere to channel that sadness to. I know you’ll know this and that you’ll climb out of the dip and on to the side for while but it doesn’t make it less easy I can truly understand that.
Brother came home last night with a bottle of the hard stuff (vodka) and considering the condition of things I could just sat there and sobbed. Even the Dr said alcohol isn’t good for gastric issues. So that was a conversation that didn’t go well. I did think though this morning that I’m pre-diabetic and am hardly sensible with the Chocolate so if anyone said I couldn’t have it I’d explode. So I’ll have to concede it was a case of the proverbial kettle calling the pan sooty-bum.
Sorry to hear as well your neighbours aren’t behaving much better. It’s hard to comprehend what goes on in the mind’s of other people for them to think it’s acceptable but it’s probably best not knowing. Sometimes living in a field seems a nice idea. Have you ever thought of swapping your car to a little camper van and then you’d be able to have a change of scenery without those two pests?
Dont be sorry for not posting. It’s perfectly fine, we are just glad to know you are safe.
Will drop by later.
Much love xx
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Hi Alison
Sorry to hear your sadness has been a bit heavier recently. It’s so unpredictable isn’t it. It’s been several years since I lost my Husband but have been focused quite heavily recently on my loss. Sometimes I think I’ve got two existences and that I’m living a life here but my life with my husband is still going on somewhere and that I can go back to it as easy as catching a bus. The grief mind shows no mercy sometimes.
Hope you feel a little lighter this weekend.
Much love xx
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Hi Tina,
Thank you for your message & kind words.
It is a bad time of year for me, 2 years last month since I lost him & his birthday on 16th September. Weird how sometimes I can function & just feel him in the background & other times I just want him with me so badly I cannot breathe/eat/sleep/function. Very strange thing this grief & you are right the grief mind shows no mercy.
The darker lights do not help, makes you feel more alone in a way when you close the curtains.
Got some jobs done & planning a lazy afternoon planned now. I am hoping I doze off while watching the racing, sends me to sleep nowadays even though I love going to the actual races - no accounting for how my mind works. 
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
Much love, Alison xx
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Hi Alison,
Mam loved a jigsaw puzzle, especially at xmas time. We would sit for hours doing it when I visited, popping a tablecloth over it for lunch and then getting back to it again afterwards with a cuppa. I never wanted to go home. I did all the puzzles she had collected (stored in my loft during their move) last xmas. Might get a new one this xmas just to do something that brings me close to her at the most awful time of year for me. Mam was xmas. She made it magical, both as a child and an adult. I can’t celebrate xmas now but get a real tree for the garden for her. And now for my Porscha too.
Life really does feel unfair. If I believed in karma (retribution in this life for the last) I must have been a real horror! to have endured what life has thrown at me. But I’d go through it all again if only I could still have mam. I would gladly take her place so she could come back and I would watch her and wait for her to join me. I’m still waiting for her to visit me. I think my Porscha was here last night when I was watching tv. I got the tiniest whiff of cat wee but it went as quickly as it came. She had renal failure so I was always cleaning her tray. I looked to see if she’d sneaked a wee under the sofa but she hasn’t. I think she had come to sit with me.
Creep is away so I’m doing the fishtank clean with the windows and doors open, getting a blast of fresh air through the house. Always feel better for sunlight. It’s going to be hot all this week so if you have a big load to get through do it this week. Might wash the kitchen door curtain. I’ll be shattered after this, with all the floors to clean after bringing the hose through the house, and then the bathroom. But I always feel better for getting it done. Feeling quite empty emotionally. The tears are always there, waiting to burst out. But it feels like I can’t cry because there’s no point. I can’t change what has happened.
More of my pics have dropped off again. I’m not even bothered. It would usually annoy the hell out of me after all the work that has gone into the placement of it. I’ve never been a ‘relaxed’ person, always on the go with a project, brimming with enthusiasm, eager to get it done. Except in grief. It feels like I’m someone else. Wish I was like this for Porsch. She would have been so happy just sitting with me doing nothing.
It does seem unfair that some of us are ‘punished’ with losing our loved ones while others sail through life, unaffected. Mam was/is the kindest, most loving person I have known in my life. It feels like I’m waiting now for the next thing to happen. I’m terrified that my therapist will die. He is the one constant in my life who I trust and know I can rely on to not hurt me. My niece has a life with her boyfriend so I can’t make any demands on her to help me. I have nobody else. So I live in isolation and that is why I fill in time to get through the days / weeks / months. It will be 2 years ion Nov for mam.
Time has become something I just don’t recognise anymore. And making the effort to do stuff feels like an enormous task most of the time. I had been swimming as a routine during the week but it never felt like I was really there. I would be swimming and wondering why am I doing this? But I would persevere until it stopped. I need to try to get back into it because it broke up the day, got me out of the house (just a half hour swim) and I felt like I had accomplished something, just because that was better than having not done anything at all. So if you do have the opportunity to go for a drink / meet up with a pal etc I would try really hard to go. It is so easy to not do anything but that then becomes the new normal and is so hard to get out of.
Still doing the fish tank. I have have a hose filling up and one letting it out until there is a balance of clean water. And inbetween I have fed the birds, had a sweep up of old bird seed, hung the washing out, put washing on, changed the bed, done dishes. I find doing small things I can achieve quickly compels me to do more until I have done all my tasks. I have a shopping delivery tonight so have treats to look forward to. It’s strange how normal things take on new importance when I can’t do my work. I’m sure I’ll get back into it over winter. But for now I just can’t.
Enjoy your drinks tonight. I know it can be a real effort but you’ll probably feel better for getting out. I’ll be watching Casualty and seeing what is on tv. Might buy the Walking Dead series I haven’t seen. Keep putting off doing it, hoping I can get it for free!
Need to get back to the fishtank now.
Lots of love xxx
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@christine51 i am so glad the bracelet arrived as the tracking seemed to stop 
x
Sitting at the Loch as I write to you and all is serene and quiet up here now all the osprey have gone on their migration to Africa…will see if the mum and dad turn up again in March x
Sorry to read you are feeling so down as losing Porsch I imagine would make all your losses raw again and as you said it seems impossible it’s coming up two years since our mums passed x found out a couple of weeks ago that mum’s best friend had a stroke out the blue and is now in hospital and seeing her not being her usual self is hard but I know if anyone can pull through she will as she’s a tough old bird and have said to mum in our daily conversations if she even tries to leave us she needs to send her right back for a few more years at least lol x
Your memorial statue is beautiful and very fitting for a Queen cat 
x
Been invited to a friends son’s first birthday party tomorrow but it may be a bit awkward as the granny and the aunt of the child aren’t speaking and the granny and I used to be great friends but she kinda drifted off after mum passed…hope for the sake of the wee one everyone can get along 
x
Anyway better away and serve some customers and nice to read your posts 
xx
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