Hi Christine
Tomorrow is 12 weeks for me too without Mum. Tuesday is usually my worst day and I sometimes make a call to Cruse to help me get through the day
Have a peaceful evening
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
These automated things that are supposed to make things easier just make me want to scream!! they were bad before Covid but now i believe itās an excuse for everything to be done at a snails pace nowadays lol x
Iām glad the lady at the Samaritans was able to bring you some relief. If I have another day like the last couple I will definitely be phoning them but Iām trying to wait and see what my counselling session this week says.
I have only seen Hamilton on the tv and although it took a while for me to get into by the end of it I really enjoyed it and found the music very catchy so Iām a little jealous and very much hope you enjoy it 
Family are just weirdā¦even my cousins who live 6 doors away only talk if Iām parked next to them 
Have a peaceful evening and chat soon,
Suzanne x
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Hi Neil,
It does sound like youāve had one of those days where I would just want to go back to bed. But on a positive note you have been extremely lucky to not have had your card and money stolen with someone looking over your shoulder to see your pin number. I bet your mam and dad were watching over you today. I wish you could have your dad there to guide and comfort you. Iāve never got on with dad and even though we try we just donāt click. Mam was everyoneās confidante, referee, guideā¦ Without her here my two sisters and their families and dad are one one side and I am on the other it seems. I didnāt know how much they all disliked me. I really am at a loss as to what I have done to deserve it. I wonāt be pushed around and will stand my ground when I am being ābulliedā for want of a better word. I have always been very generous to my sister and her children and it now seems that she was only nice to me because she had no money for Christmas. I feel like such a mug. How can anyone stop speaking to someone because they are heartbroken? I donāt understand what else is going on here. I thought my other sister was friends with me but sheās stopped speaking to me as well because I wonāt take anti depressants. Iām lost because my mam has died. Thatās why Iām so devastated. I donāt want to wake up in the morning but I have my Porscha to care for. Sheās old now and has lost a lot of weight. I think she might have cancer. Weāve always had cats growing up so I know the signs. But sheās eating and going toilet normally and is mostly sleeping. Thereāll be no point in being awake when she dies. Iām not being dramatic. I have nobody at all. Itās worse that I have a family who donāt care about me rather than not having anyone. Mam would be beyond upset if she knew. I donāt know why this is happening. I wouldnāt treat anyone like this, whoever they are. I didnāt realise how unloved I am. Mam was the only one who cared about me. I just didnāt know that until now.
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Christine I am the same and feel totally alone. Now my parents are not here , as I was a carer for so long, I feel I have no purpose. If anything happened to me and I became ill I would not want to be resuscitated and would refuse any cancer treatment . Thatās just the way I am now. I look at mortality in a different way . If I didnt have my theatre I would hate to think what I would have done . Thatās been probably the only thing that has kept me going and to look forward to.
Itās so good that we can talk openly like this on this forum x
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Hi Suzanne,
Iāll try to put my panels up tomorrow if Iām able to get up in time before my therapy. Have to drill and plug the ceiling in order to hang bamboos from a hook. Sounds a lot of work but simple to do. I ran out of light today and just felt so uninspired that I couldnāt force myself to do it. So should have pics to post tomorrow unless I have a really bad day. Iām so upset about being ignored and donāt understand why itās happening. If Iām so heartbroken about mam and canāt chat or have visits (like when my sister turned up weeks ago without phoning, leaving a message or texting) shouldnāt my family understand that and give me time to adjust? Not just cut me off because Iām not ānormalā enough for them, because I canāt stop crying?
At least you go out to work and have interaction with people. The only time I see / speak to anyone is my therapist for 1 hour a week. Thatās it. And being agoraphobic Iām frightened going out, especially alone. If I had a friend I would go to the park, swimming, on my bike. I used to do this with my niece but that stopped before mam. My sister made it very difficult when we werenāt speaking. So I gave up. Itās a constant battle and I donāt know why. Just so upset. I donāt know why life is this hard. I must have done something really bad in a past life to be getting the karma I have now.
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I agree with you about having no cancer treatment. Iāve had breast cancer twice, a double mastectomy because it came back in the same breast and there wasnāt enough tissue to leave a breast after removing the lump. I really do wish I had not had the treatment and died when I had the opportunity. Iām not feeling sorry for myself. I just canāt bear my life without mam. If it comes back again I wonāt have treatment and will look forward to meeting mam. Itās obvious my family donāt care about me now so they wouldnāt be that bothered if I died. I couldnāt have put mam through this though. She really loved me, to the point where both sisters have told me I was mams favourite and that wasnāt my fault. I feel so lost without her because nobody will allow me to express how devastated I am. I just donāt want to keep going, day after day after dayā¦So much for feeling like my life is worth having. Itās really not.
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Hi Christine,
Look forward to seeing the panels when you feel up to it be it tomorrow, next week or wheneverā¦no pressure.
I donāt understand why your family is doing that and I feel bad for your niece if sheās been forced to chooseā¦that is just such a shame on both of you. I get what you mean about the hurt of family treating you like a leper because you are grieving at your own rate as it should be but I think I would rather that as there is always hope of a reconciliation with your family rather than what I have which is literally me and like Neil said I actually think I would not want resuscitated etc as I have nothing to live for and not being dramatic.
I go to work full time and wish I was at home but when Iām at home I wish I was at work purely for the human interactionsā¦.I hate my life and donāt have the strength to change it.
I kinda envy Neilās love of the theatre and how it keeps him going and hearing about his trips cheers me up as I just donāt do anything anymore. Since my mum passed I havenāt listened to music even my favourite bands and havenāt taken any photos which is so unlike meā¦just donāt see the point.
Like you only reason I get up is to feed the pets. Not their fault and need their affection more than they need mine.
Anyway now Iāve depressed everyone Iāll go eat some chocolate lol.
Each day can only be less hard and we are all here for each other.
Pray for a better day tomorrow
Suzanne x
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Wish I had some chocolate! But I do have some Mr Jubblies (icepops). Not the same but better than nothing.
Iām sure if I was able to get out regularly, go for a bike ride, to the park and woods, Iād feel better. But I just canāt make sense of why Iām being ignored. I sent texts and canāt just keep sending them without getting an answer. I just donāt know what is going on.
I do wish I could go out and do things like Neil. He is lucky to enjoy what he loves. Heās very courageous to keep going and not withdraw from life. I donāt know how you get through the day at work. My sister went back too early but I understand sheās ok now from earlier texts.
I try to bear in mind that I donāt know what is happening or how they are feeling themselves. But I am being ignored. I just hope I donāt wake up one day after Porscha is gone.
Love xxx
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Hello Neil
I relate to your bad days Neil and Iām sorry to hear you have had some bad ones. I emailed Samaritans myself yesterday evening too. It would be better if Iād ring them but Iām not that confident with talking. I donāt know how youāve gone on since you wrote the message, I get a bit mesmerized as the posts get hidden on my phone so I canāt always see more recent posts.
Itās good you have a theatre close by. I used to go, going back a fair few years. I have forgot now most of what I saw but one that sticks in my mind is āReturn to the forbidden planet.ā A bit of all kinds in that I think.
It is painful thinking in advance of the rest of the day. Sometimes flashes just enter your minds eye and it can be very difficult. Sets off the panic.
Take care Neil.
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Hello Christine
Hope you are doing ok.
I was just replying to Neil and saying I canāt always see the latest posts so I never really know how people are for sure as what I see isnāt up to date.
Just keeping going myself, and whilst I felt up to it thought Iād catch up, might be unable to tomorrow. I think we all agree our emotional states can be very changeable. Iāve decided I need to stop reading all the new nembers posts on the site as they often contained things that brought back memories and then Iād spiral into panic all over again. It doesnāt take much at the moment. Your crafts always sound interesting, unfortunately Iām wonderful at procrastination and canāt finish anything. Plus I often think who is there to show?
Keep well Christine
Tina xx
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Hi Tina
I 've found the Samaritans very good. I do email them from time to time but it always takes a while to reply. When I phone them they are very good at listening and helping you try to come to terms what is on your mind . They always ask if it has made me feel better and it usually does. I did break down today on the phone talking about my Dad and that I really wish he could help me and guide me through this.
Yes Iām lucky I live near London with some great theatres and it really helps me to clear my head for a few hours and itās good for my anxiety.
Tomorrow is usually a bad day for me as Mum passed away on a Tuesday and it will be 12 weeks.
At least we all have each other to help get through the days when we are struggling.
Have a good night
Speak again soon
Neil x
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Hello Suzanne
Sorry if Iāve cut in on your conversation, I was just explaining to Christine and Neil that I canāt see peopleās latest posts that well when Iām using my phone instead of a tablet as thereās text jumping all over the place. So I can never know for sure if youāve had a good or bad day.
Sorry youāve had a bit of a down period though. I was saying too that I have done very little since losing my Mum. Itās a mix really of canāt be bothered and who would I show what Iād done to without Mum. Its a bit like the grown up version of being a child at school and you bring a picture home all excited to show your Mum but doing anything now seems a bit flat. Maybe in time. You are working full time, in my mind that makes you Super Woman. I know my siblings work but I just donāt have the mental and emotional capacity to manage that With Mum not being well Iād not worked for a while and would find a full time job the stuff nightmares are made of, Iād be very anxious.
Keep going Suzanne
Tina x
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Hi Tina,
You are always welcome to respond to any of my posts so never think you are butting in etc.
Again thank you for your kind wordsā¦much appreciated 
We will all stay strong for each other and maybe one day weāll all pull through the pain (to a lesser, more bearable degree).
Stay safe everyone:)
Suzanne x
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Hi Tina, Itās so lovely to hear from you. I finished sewing my panels today but like you said, mams not here to show them to or to tell her about what Iām doing. Thought I was making progress but turns out to just be empty pockets.
Iāve been thinking of you and wondering if you got to visit your mam again? The only time I leave the house is for my therapy (tomorrow) and wish I could visit mam somewhere. I was posting about my family ignoring me. Itās like I died with mam.
I love the new pic of your dog. Heās / sheās beautiful. My little Porscha wonāt last long. I think she has cancer because of the weight loss, even though sheās eating and going toilet ok. Iāll be totally lost without her and Iām dreading having to make a decision.
Iāve missed your postings. I donāt read new posts either. So many painful stories. All I can manage is here. It makes a difference knowing we are all thinking of each other. IT helps in a small way not to be alone. Itās 12 weeks for mam now. It feels like a fog. Havenāt spoken to her in such a long time and then I realise why. I imagine your mam sitting in the sunny spot in her chair. I hope the storms havenāt been too bad where you are. Luckily my trees are intact. They give privacy and shade in the summer and some are very old.
I hope you have a peaceful night. Iām in bed with a hot choc and have a sleeping tablet so will sleep tonight. Feel very fragile when I run out.
Iām all over the place at the moment. Even finishing my panels didnāt give me joy like it usually would to finish a big project. Iāll post pics when I get them up. Itās just filling in time. Nothing means anything anymore. I wonder why I bother but if I donāt I would just sit and cry. So you are not alone. We are here. Post if you can. Even just a kiss x
Night hun xxx
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Hello Christine
How are you today?
Iām sorry Porscha doesnāt seem well. Itās always a worry. Weāve had many cats growing up as a family. Sometimes at the same time. My brother then decided heād rather have a dog and got his 1st dog which was a GSD. Weād had two all in all before Zoe, who is a GSD/Husky cross. It was supposed to be a comfort-dog for Mum. She didnāt get the time to appreciate it sadly and it turned out to be our comfort-dog. How ironic.
Sorry your family are ignoring you. You just canāt fathom it out can you. Did your Sister actually go ahead with her move away after all? My brother is getting fairly annoyed as I wonāt go out if I can help it. The only two places I go is the Supermarket and to the Churchyard. When I lost my Husband I hid away for 6months. As you know yourself, itās all too easy to get to the point where staying indoors feels more safer. I think itās a fear of having to interact with people as well.
Good you didnāt have any storm damage to stress you out. Hopefully we have seen the back of the storms.
I havenāt had sleeping tablets. I donāt sleep right though. I dream a lot, sometimes 6 times a night. Iād be concerned tablets could make things worse.
Hope the therapy went well today Christine.
xx
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Hi Tina, So lovely to hear from you. Like I said I do think about you and wonder how you are doing, even if I donāt post. Iāve been very up and down. Finished sewing my panels but didnāt have the energy to put them up. Will try tomorrow. Thought I would feel a sense of accomplishment, like I used to when Iād finished something. But without mam it doesnāt mean anything. I did it to fill in time. Everything I do is just filling in time. Iāll post pics if I get them up tomorrow.
Porscha seams to be better than she was. New flea and tapeworm treatment. Sheās eating more now so hopefully will put a bit of weight on. Thought she had cancer but hoping itās not. Zoe is adorable. And even though your mam didnāt get to spend time with her she is loved and part of the family. Iāll be lost when I donāt have my Porscha. There wonāt be a reason to get out of bed.
Going to the supermarket and churchyard is more than Iām doing. Your brother canāt hurry your grief. I have to drive past my sisters house from therapy to get home and she was laughing, coming home on the school run. She has ignored me for weeks now, since she had to pay the money back into my account. She didnāt answer any of the texts I sent after that. Itās like Iāve died and sheās happy Iām not in her life. She is obviously not even sad about mam. I donāt understand what is going on. She hasnāt moved away, obviously. My niece is also ignoring me since the money situation. I think if I died she would be free of any responsibility. Mam asked her to make sure I was ok, because of my agoraphobia and panic. Sheclearly doesnāt want to speak to me ever again and I donāt know why. I havenāt done anything other than be devastated about mam. How can she be so callous? My dad doesnāt phone and hasnāt answered the phone because he canāt hear it. My other sister hasnāt ignored me when I explained that I donāt have the freedom to choose whether I can visit dad because I was able to when mam was in hospital. She will not accept my explanation so she ignores me. Itās like Iām dead and nobody cares.
Iām relieved that I can sleep, though I do feel groggy the next day. I feel so fragile and emotional without sleep. It makes such a difference. It might help you.
I still donāt know what the point is in getting up each day but I do it and look forward to a film in the evening. There isnāt any human interaction now apart from my therapist. I just keep going over the same stuff about mam. Wishing Iād known how precious the time was because we didnāt know about the cancer. Itās like Iāve come to a dead stop. Iām not myself. I hate that Iām not a naturally quiet person. I have too much to say. My sister says Iām too much, too opinionated, too strong minded. Dad agrees. They all think the same. Itās like a character assassination without anything happening. No event, no argument, just too loud, too ā¦ Why would I make my life difficult when my world is so very tiny and I am afraid of so many things? I fight with my sister because she is so vile towards me and I will not be walked all over. Itās like treading on eggshells with her. Sheās so angry unless she wants something from me. Then sheās nice. And I fall for it every time. She knows I am completely isolated and have been for years because she used to be my carer. She knows the effect this is having on me. I donāt know why I am being punished. I wish I didnāt exist. I hope to not wake up when Porscha dies. Iām still only here for her because she would die without me to care for her. Mam is the only one who loved me. It is so clear now that nobody cares about me.
Sorry Iām not more positive. I really donāt want to wake up tomorrow but I have to and itās a battle to keep going. I didnāt realise this was my life without mam. I had no clue it would be this.
Iām so pleased to hear from you.
Sending you much love xxx
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Hello Christine
Iām so pleased Porscha has picked up, at least thatās a relief for you.
I understand how down you must be about whatās going on with your Sisterās. I imagine itās not so much what they are doing, as much as knowing your Mum would be upset about their behaviour towards you. Before losing Mum my Brother had me in such a bad place mentally that I barely had any self-worth. It wasnāt name calling but constant belittling and demeaning remarks. It had abated for a bit but itās all under the surface ready to erupt as thereās been a few times where he has had a go at me over the last few days. I promised Mum weād look after each other so donāt feel able to stand my ground. (Iām not assertive anyway). You kind of think you donāt belong to anyone, or belong anywhere. I know the grief will be a massive element in his behaviour but I also know that itās not just the grief. Iām just trying to not start bad feeling but like you say, itās like walking on eggshells. So I understand a bit of how you must be feeling. Doesnāt really matter how strong you are I donāt think when itās family involved. Did you say your Mam had a Sister? Is she ok with you? Would it help spending time with her?
I just feel like Iāve given up really. I see what you mean when you donāt feel like yourself. Itās like some of lifeās innocence has been lost. No matter what, you always see your Mum as being āthereā. Logically we know thatās not reality but we seem to think the worst is in the far distant future.
Had another distressing nightmare early hours this morning, they wonāt seem to leave me alone.
Hope the sleep has put you in a better place today.
Thinking of you
xx
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Hi Tina,
I understand your brothers behaviour. My sister E is like that the whole time, for no reason. I never know what is going on. Thereās been a pattern where she involves my other sister D when sheās visiting so she will be unfriendly without me opening my mouth. Like when she came down to have a clear out in prep for the move from my parents old house. I offered to help, having a 7 seater car with fold down seats to go to the skip with stuff. She said she didnāt need me interfering. I was trying to help clear stuff. When I would visit with sister E and family she would ignore me and not speak to me the whole time we were there. So between them I am left out, ignored, told I am mentally ill because of my anxiety (is it really surprising I am anxious around them?). Dad doesnāt listen to me. My mams sister was very spiteful to me years ago after I got my drink spiked. When I tried to explain what had happened she wouldnāt listen and said I was mad and she had always thought that. The Police said the club was notorious for that happening to girls. I had to have an ECG I was in such a state. Sheās my auntie. I used to spend summers with them. I could sense she didnāt like me but couldnāt figure it out. I couldnāt imagine behaving like that to any of my nieces and nephews. It seems mam was the only one I could rely on for having a realistic sense of what was happening. I just donāt have any fight left. Everything is a battle. I just canāt do it anymore. It feels like Iām being phased out of the family. Do you remember the nasty email from S? Both sisters were included in that, like I was being publicly shamed for speaking out because he wouldnāt give me access to my mams tribute site so I could post pics etc. Dad knew nothing about it. I havenāt commented to any of them about their grief other than to ask how they are feeling and to have thanked S for everything he did with sorting out things (funeral etc). Nobody could understand how devastated I was / am and it annoyed them. Labelling me as āmentalā is a reflection of their ignorance, not my instability. I am still devastated 3 months on and have reached a level of sadness I suppose where Iāve been doing stuff but wonder what is the point, filling in time. I canāt chase a family who clearly wants to control me and regulate who I am for whatever reasons they have. They seem to deeply resent me, I canāt make sense of being ignored like this. There must be a reason. Iām not a horrible person. I will not be bullied. That leaves me alone and without my mam. Mam wanted us to all be friends after rifts in the family. It was her dying wish and I made up with both of them. She would be heartbroken to know how they are treating me. Thereās none to uphold standards of behaviour. My dad joins in. He believes everything they are telling him about ne being unhinged because I ma so bereft. Why would they do this to me when I feel at my most vulnerable? Easy target I suppose. If they can pick on me, leave me out, exclude me their attention is on me and not dealing with their own grief. Seeing my sister laughing yesterday really upset me given how she is behaving (after she had to repay the money).
So Iām back to a place where I cannot even open the curtains. I didnāt sleep, despite taking a tablet. Iām just so very unhappy having to deal with my family on top of missing mam. They all know how fragile I feel and donāt care. What have I done to deserve this? Sorry Iām not able to be more positive. I thought I was doing better but itās all for nothing.
Take care xxx
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Hi everyone
Tuesdays and Wednesdays always bad days for me. Tuesday was the day Mum died and Wednesday was the day we always went out somewhere together.
I had to go to my local jobcentre for my Universal Credit appointment and going there actually helped for some strange reason. It feels like Iām living in a parallel world to what I was before- and this oneās a horrible world.
I will be honest and admit I do get very dark thoughts from time to time. Itās just that this has really torn me apart . Mum would be devastated to see me when I get very bad.
Suzanne, Christine and Tina hope your day is better than mine and hope we all have some better days ahead
Best wishes
Neil xxx
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Hi Neil, Wishing you kindness and positivity today. You probably seen from my post yesterday how upset I was to drive past my sister on the school run, laughing with the mams and children. Itās been weeks now that Iāve been ignored by the family, despite sending texts saying I was feeling a bit better. Just donāt understand it at all.
Didnāt sleep last night (even with a sleeping tablet) and couldnāt open my curtains until about 2pm. But I have put up my hangings (drilling ceiling for hooks and hanging bamboo rails with panels attached). Plus some hooks for hanging planters to hide corners. So I can now do some shopping for hangers and plants to finish off the look. Itās been an ongoing project to try to do something after mam. Now itās done donāt know what Iāll do. I have my blog to do and post so that is next, a āhow to createā thing.
Iām so glad I donāt have to go out to do anything. If I force myself I panic. If the internet went down Iād not be able to shop for food. Thatās how bad my anxiety is to walk into a shop. Iād rather starve. Itās fab that you are doing what you need to do outside. You probably are depersonalising, feeling like going through the motions but not really feeling or being attached to what is happening. This is a horrible world now, empty without our mams. And I agree, my mam would be heartbroken to see the state Iām in and how the family are treating me. She would be so hurt.
Iām not even dressed yet so going to relax and wash my hair. Will take up some time because thatās now how I fill my day - creating things to do so Iām not just sitting crying for mam.
Take care xxx
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