Hi Christine
I think it’s awful the way you have been treated by your family. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Please know that we all support you on here .
One thing I have managed to do is sleep well. Probably because when Mum was here I sometimes used to have an interrupted night as she needed the bathroom. But that’s how it was and part of being a carer. I 'd go back to that in a shot.
What makes things feel worse for me is the feeling that I have no purpose anymore after looking after both parents for so long over time and having that responsibility. Really hard to get my head round.
Anyway I think I’ll get some things ready for an early tea
Try and have a good evening
Best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Lovely to hear from you and glad to hear the trip to the job centre wasn’t too bad for you. Is there any line of work that you think you’d like to do or maybe go to college/uni and kind of reinvent yourself?
I know what you all mean cause I’m not sure where I got in with anyone or anything any more. What I thought I knew/had had been ripped from me and I don’t know what to do with that. I’m not really anything to anyone anymore and that’s just weird.
I’m now off on a weeks holiday because the holiday I was going on had to be cancelled so I’m off with pretty much nothing to do and no one to see but I’ve promised myself I need to stop looking further than one day ahead and take each day as it comes to stop myself freaking about ‘what ifs’……will see how that goes lol.
What are you having for tea? Something tasty I hope.
Anyway we’re all here for each other and it may be weird but I actually talk to you all more about how I actually am feeling than my close friends and family…odd how things turn out.
Take care and chat soon
Suzanne x
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Hi Christine,
I am so sorry you are having to go through all this with your family cause as Neil says they should be ashamed of themselves.
I do find it very interesting how grief actually pushes a lot of people apart rather than unite them when they probably need each other most.
I’m not entirely surprised (and I apologise if I am speaking out of turn) that money was involved in their despicable attitude towards you and I pleased to hear that you won’t be walked over and stand up for yourself…well done you 
People often describe others as ‘too much…’ etc when they can’t be controlled or manipulated and that to me says more about them than you so you keep being that way.
Just wanted to say hi and say that thinking of you x
Suzanne x
Hey Tina,
Just wondering how you are doing today?
Thinking of you,
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne
Started off the day with a bad dream having barely slept all night then opened an email from the Samaritans which was quite direct and wiped me out mentally.
I had to take some paperwork to my Sister’s a few hours back but my Mum would go there often and as I left her house I pictured when Mum was last there. So I got home upset. It was still light and I thought should I go to Churchyard? It’s 2miles away, part bus and part walk but here I am sat with my coat on and not managed it. Which makes me feel somewhat weak and pathetic.
Also not very proud of myself as when I was at my Sister’s I looked at the bungalow opposite and thought if the lady that lives there is still around, at the same age, then why not my Mum - obviously that’s how self-focussed I have become
Sorry if I have gone on a bit.
How are you managing Suzanne?
Hope it’s one of the better days.
Tina x
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Hello Neil
Hope you are bearing up well Neil. I can understand significant days being particularly painful. I experienced the same when I lost my Husband several years ago but they do kind of blend in over time. With my Mum it’s a different kind of trigger. It’s more to do with a certain time of the day as there are times when I don’t really know what the actual day is. Would you believe I’ve had to check on my phone before now first thing to be sure.
Well done for sorting out the Job Centre. It was good to hear it turned out to be a positive experience. Like most things it’s sometimes down to luck on who it is you end up speaking with and how at ease they make you feel.
I’m quite fragile today as I opened an Email from the Samaritans. It was quite direct really and upset me a fair bit but again, it’s luck as to who replies and how they view things as well.
Hope you’ve enjoyed your tea!
Tina x
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Hi Tina,
First of all can I just tell you that you are not pathetic and that the fact you got up and went to your sisters after receiving a pretty rubbish letter that rocked the start of your day…you should be proud of yourself for carrying on 
Secondly I have these thoughts and instantly chastise myself as I work in an environment where there are a lot of elderly customers and on a bad day I often find myself thinking….why my mum? Why not you?? I then instantly am disgusted with myself but can’t stop the thoughts at times so don’t feel too hard on yourself as I see that as a normal thought when grieving.
Funny I was speaking to my friend on Saturday and he lost his mum a few years back and I said I felt I had become more selfish and he said that it wasn’t selfish it was more that you are looking out for yourself as no one really now to do it so I think that’s all you’re doing.
Please stop being so hard on yourself as you are doing amazing and a great support to us here. Be kind to yourself and look forward to hearing from you x
Take care,
Suzanne x
Hello Christine
I’d seen your post and started to reply within 5minutes but the later it got the more my mind was getting jumbled and I couldn’t make the words sound right so eventually had to abandon it. At least I think I did.
I’m glad Porscha is a bit better, what a weight that must be off your mind for a bit at least.
It’s heart-breaking how your family are with you. I can imagine how upsetting it must feel that they seem to be disrespecting to your Mum. You’ve done everything in your power to make things right. The onus isn’t on you to make them feel comfortable. It’s as you say, standards are lost as it’s our Mum’s that keep us all on the straight and narrow I think.
It’s good you got loads done. I know sometimes it can be short lived but anything is something.
I’ve been upset today as I went to my Sister’s with paperwork and it brought back memories. I decided to go to the Churchyard when I got home then couldn’t face the bus journey and walk as it’s 2 miles away so I’m feeling pathetic right now.
Speak later and have a peaceful evening.
xx
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Hi Suzanne
I’m looking for retail, office or warehouse work ideally as I’ve done those before.My ideal job is working in one of my theatres that I go to and have sent my CV to some of them . Trouble is there are so many applicants and they tend to hire seasonally. I have a few contacts in the industry so they have let me know when vacancies come up.
Didn’t have anything extravagant for tea , just a big bowl of soup. Have to do a bit of shopping tomorrow. Never used to mind shopping but now I see stuff Mum used to like and I get upset .
Try to enjoy your week off . As you say the ‘what if’s’ come into your mind when you’re home alone as I find most days but hopefully you can get through.
If you need to chat I should be around here somewhere
Take care
Neil x
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Hi all
I don’t know if any of you are on Facebook but there are a couple of helpful bereavement groups on there . I joined one after Dad passed and returned to it again recently .
Just thought I would pass that on x
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Thank you Neil and likewise if you’re having a bad hour/day or if you even have a good day
I wish you well in your job hunt and hopefully one of your contacts can be of help in getting you something you love.
Take care and chat soon,
Suzanne x
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Thanks Neil, I really don’t understand what I’ve done other than be destroyed by mam’s leaving me. I haven’t done or said anything to deserve this. I’m just devastated because I didn’t realise how disliked I am. Maybe it is because I won’t be pushed around and they don’t like that. But why would anyone do that after the death of a loved one? I would have thought they’d be so upset themselves they wouldn’t be looking around at who they could pick on. I will not be bullied. I have never felt so vulnerable but that doesn’t make me a push over. And confusing my grief with my agoraphobia / anxiety just shows their lack of understanding. They can’t say I am ‘mental’ because I’m devastated! How dare they!
You will be feeling so lost without your ‘role’ as care giver. You’re probably making up for years of sleeping lightly. It’s good that you can sleep. While you were looking after your parents was there anything you wished you could do? Like Suzanne said, would you do a course to train in something? It’s an ideal opportunity. I know its not the best time but things happen in life which make us adapt and move forward. And if you have to go out to work you could look at alternatives because whatever you choose you will need to train in it I should think. You will have skills you aren’t even aware of. Can you speak to a person for advice at the job centre? They will be a source of knowledge about what is available to someone in your position. I know your passion for the theatre could be something to explore, working behind the scenes with costume and props? You could enquire next time you’re there. Pop up a notice saying you are looking for something in the arts and see what comes back. I know that will take some enthusiasm and I’m in no position to do anything like that myself. Just trying to help x
I can only imagine the emptiness you are feeling for your mam and dad. I think my loss and love for mam is so overwhelming that I have nothing left to give. If I had a loving and stable relationship with my family I would possibly have been able to deal with the loss better. But I’ll never know because I have mams death and being abandoned by family as well. Horrific.
Enjoy your tea x
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I came off Facebook after mum passed as it kept tagging me in memories with her so was too upsetting x
But if I do ever get the strength I’ll check them out.
Thank you ,
Suzanne x
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Hi Suzanne, Thank you for some perspective on how my sister is treating me. I don’t understand why my relationship with her is so volatile. There is no reason for it to be. I am beyond generous to her and the children, always have been. I fall for it every time she is ‘nice’ to me. I feel like such a mug. I don’t even understand what has happened for all of them to be ignoring me. I feel like I should just be removed from the entire family. She actually said that it wasn’t fair on them that I was behaving the way I was (so devastated that all I could do was cry my eyes out all of the time and they didn’t want to see it or hear it and that I was ‘mentally ill’ and needed help! ) How can anyone regulative someone else’s grief for their own mother? Totally baffled! I did google info about why families fight and there’s a battle about position in the family for control and dominance. I’m the eldest but would never hold up the age card to gain some sort of authority over the other two. It’s ridiculous. Control over what? The upset is beyond explanation. I just don’t understand that level of jealousy. My life is no walk in the park so I don’t get it at all.
I’ve just read your comments about wondering why your mam and not any of your customers. I totally get it. Why mam? She didn’t smoke or drink and wasn’t horrible to anyone. She was so lovely. The cleaner said it was a pleasure to have known her because she was such a lovely lady. That really upset me. Mam was kind and always put others first. It’s like entering another world where nothing makes any sense and there are no answers to my questions.
Enjoy your time off. IUs there anything you used to enjoy doing before your mam left? If I had someone to go with I’d go swimming, for a bike ride, go to the woods and parks. What about some extra time in the gym? The wanting to do stuff for me is there but I can’t go out myself and do it.
I finished my panels and got them up today so I’ve achieved something. It will be 13 weeks tomorrow that mam passed and I don’t know how that time has gone. Feels like it’s just happened and then other times its a fog and I haven’t got any clear timeline.
I hope you have some good weather on your time off. Enjoy it x
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Hi Tina, It’s always so lovely to hear from you. It doesn’t matter what you write but I do get the jumbled mind. I only know what day it is from going to therapy on a Tuesday and tv programs that I like. But time isn’t defined anymore. And like you said, achieving something counts because its better than nothing. Everything is such an effort and then empty. I got the panels up and will post pics tomorrow when I have daylight.
I really don’t know what I have done to deserve the way they are treating me. I’m always on the receiving end and having to defend myself when it comes to my sisters. I haven’t contacted anyone again and it’s been weeks now. I’m giving up. They care so little for me that they ignore me at my lowest. My mam has died and they are judging me because I’m so devastated. To call me ‘mental’ and say I need help is appalling. Can you imagine treating anyone like that after they have lost their mam? It’s beyond my comprehension. Mam would be appalled. I’m glad she can’t see this. It would be so upsetting to her. I do think there’s a lot of jealousy towards me but can’t understand it because I am trapped in my house in total isolation. It seems there is an opinion of me without me being aware of what is it but clearly there is a united front against me. I’ve never felt so perplexed as to why and which one of them started this off against me. I know that sounds paranoid but I’m not. I’m responding to how I’ve been treated.
I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’ve been getting on. I know how hard I am on myself when I don’t do things I’d planned. Could you try again on another day visiting your mam? I wish I was closer. I would go with you. And it’s good that you have a sister to help with paperwork. I find doing it in chunks helps with the easiest first just so I know I’ve made a start.
Lots of love xxx
Thanks for your reply Christine as always appreciate it.
Family seem to think they can get away with saying and doing what they want and get away with it because ‘they are family’……I think it’s cause if they treat people badly and someone stands up for themselves then they are the victim and that to me is very narcissistic behaviour and unfortunately people like that unless you are doing what they want/when they want you are no use to them.
You can’t nor should you change your reaction to your grief for others especially when they should be supporting you. You will have done nothing other than stand up for yourself and miss your mum. And equally as disappointed that the children have been so influenced by your sisters.
My mum and her sister had such a fantastic relationship that it upsets me greatly to hear of you being treated like this.
I have a tattoo booked for tomorrow and my first counselling session on Friday and then the gym. You’re right thought I will try and go to the gym daily and have a couple of friends to catch up over the week so will keep busy and do what I want for a change.
Keep your chin up as you have done nothing and hopefully one day they will realise how badly they have treated you
Suzanne x
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Hi Tina
I much prefer to speak to the Samaritans rather than email because it makes me feel better getting things off my chest talking to an actual person. But we’re all different and there’s no right way. The important thing is we’re reaching out .
Jobcentres are a different world now from when I last visited one . The staff are nice too.
Just had a bit of soup for tea . Will be doing some shopping tomorrow.
Sending you best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Christine
I think the only thing I wished I could have done more when I was a carer was I missed out on holidays and a few nights out but I wouldn’t have changed anything to be honest - I was so proud and regarded it as a privilege to look after both.
I have a work coach at the job centre and he said he’ll arrange some training when he comes back from his leave.
The theatre jobs I’m looking at are the front of house staff jobs and box office .
Had my tea , just a big bowl of soup but nice and filling.
Hope you have a peaceful evening
Speak soon
Neil x
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Hello Suzanne
Thanks for your comments. Appreciated.
Just thinking what you said about having a tattoo. That’s a really nice gesture. My Niece is a tattoo artist and if I had been a bit (lot)! younger I might have asked her to do one for me. The most adventurous thing I’ve had done is having my ears pierced three times!.
Are you going to the Gym to lose weight or just keep fit? Not that long ago I lost nearly 3 stone in just a few months simply by doing the YouTube “walking workouts”. I used to do the Lesley Sansone Walk At Home routines. Sadly I put 7lb back on as I couldn’t carry on with them but I was amazed you could lose so much weight by not leaving home.
Hope your days off go as planned.
Tina x
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I’m intrigued by your big bowl of soup Neil. It’s making me want to go and pop a can of Morrisons chicken curry soup in the microwave. x
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