Hi Suzanne, I’ll post pics when I’m finished and send a link to the magazine blog. I got a little bit excited when I realised I had finished creating the individual panels and was sorting into the colour / pattern ranges for the rooms. Then I remembered mam isn’t here to tell her about it and I couldn’t keep the energy up. But I was surprised by it. The first time since mam left. A chink of light in the darkness I’ve been living in since mid November.
Also got a shop delivery for today after trying yesterday. So today is a good day. Not sure how long it will last but I’m grabbing it with both hands!
Raining here but not windy. I love the rain. Me and Porsch have been sitting watching the birds feasting. My jaybird appeared and a load of baby starlings. They’re so loud. Lovely to watch.
Take care and have a good weekend. I only know its Sat because the new Gogglebox was on last night.
Much love xxx
Hi Christine,
Yes please I would love to see your blog. Feel as invigorated for as long as you can and can feel the tiny bit energy in the words you have written 
x
We actually have sun up here today and have hit a tropical temperature of 7C lol x
Met a friend for coffee was lovely as haven’t seen him since Xmas and came home and been quite productive so a decent day up here too.
You take care of yourself and yourself enjoy your good day,
Suzanne x
Hello to Christine, Suzanne and Neil
Love and kindness to you all.
9th December since I lost my Mum. Seems like 9months ago. (I might have said that already, I don’t know what I’m doing.) Sometimes the life I had doesn’t even feel like it was mine.
It’s all the should have, could have, if only’s and what if’s. A few shockingly bad days.
On a lighter note (just), it’s a good job I don’t drink or the lads at the late night shop would be thinking I’m stocking up for next Christmas.
Keep going, to all three of you lovely people.
xx
Thank you for asking Suzanne. x
Hi Tina
You’ve hit the nail on the head- the could have, should have and what ifs- it’s torture isn’t it? I think all the time if I had got Mum in hospital a day earlier … but I didn’t know she had a couple of undetected conditions. At least I did get some sort of peace of mind from Mum’s consultant as he said that her quality of life would not have been good if she had lived. Miss her so , so much as we all do with our Mums. Having more better days but when I get a bad day it’s awful.
Sending my best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
I lost my mum on 8th Dec so I know what you mean about the passage of time…some days it feels like years and some I hurt so much like it was yesterday 
x
It still just doesn’t feel real and I look at photos and see her smile (always smiling) and feel a bit of my soul wither.
Then on a good day I just smile and think how lucky I was to have so many memories…today is a bit bad day so will take it 
x
I have so many bottles of Southern Comfort as people keep buying me them they must all think I have a drinking problem lol x
Doesn’t matter what kind of day you’re having…if you wanna talk we’re here x
Suzanne x
Tina, Suzanne and Neil,
The bad days are horrific and I truly wanted to die (I really did so I could be with her) so I know exactly where you are at the moment Tina. I’ve been thinking of you because I can sense your despair and know that nothing helps to ease it. But you will start coming back again and days will seem less torturous. My mam left on Thursday 25 November at 2.50 am. 12 weeks. I still have to tell myself it is true. We are all thinking of you and sending you love because we know how painful this is. I can’t imagine anything worse. My therapist says it is a rite of passage, that we all must endure it and go through it, that mankind has been doing this since the beginning of time. When I tell him I can’t bear it he tells me that I am bearing it now. I’m doing it and I will reach a point where I will be comfortable when I think of mam and hear her voice again when I’m in the garden or doing whatever. Suzanne has described that feeling of immense pain as the withering of the soul. What a poignant expression. It is so true. I always used to be so bold in life, a fighter and I’ve been reduced to a child again. It is an ongoing battle to return to who we were before we lost the most important person we will ever have - our mams. I wonder if they knew just how fabulous they are.
Today is still going well and I’m surprised at how catching up on my sleep has helped enormously (Zopiclone sleeping tablets). I will post my pics of the Indian panels soon (I hope). I’m amazed at the turnaround from where I was less than a week ago. Don’t know how long it will last but it’s nice to have a bit of relief from the intensity of longing.
Just a thought Suzanne, you could recycle all your drink as xmas pressies and treat yourself with the money you save!
Wishing you all love. Enjoy your theatre tomorrow Neil. I have been paying attention! xxx
Hi all. Didn’t think I was going to make my theatre trip as some idiots were trespassing on the line at London Bridge causing chaos to the services. Made it in plenty of time though.
It was the first performance of The Cunning Little Vixen at the London Coliseum, where I went last week. I think I’ve been to that theatre 6 times now. Love the place. Enjoyed the show- still learning about opera but liking it so far!
Hope you are all as well as can be. I’ll most probably have at least a couple of bad days next week which is the usual for me, if not more.
Thinking of you all, Suzanne, Christine and Tina
Best wishes , Neil xxx
Hi Neil,
So glad you made it and enjoyed the performance
I know very little about opera so feel free to recommend anything as I am willing to listen to most genres…except jazz as just hate that 
x
If you find yourself having a bad day/s during the week we’re here for you.
Enjoy your night and hope you have had a good tea to finish your nice day off.
Take care,
Suzanne x
Hi Neil,
I do so envy your ability to enjoy what you love despite everything. It must be wonderful to be transported to another world for a few hours. Something to look forward to to balance the bad days. It’s good that you recognise they will come and you will endure them and move through them. Your mam would be so very proud of you. Do you have another booked for next week?
I had another productive day. I stitched 3 panels and will finish the other 3 tomorrow. Having an early night so I can catch up from not sleeping. Even though I took a tablet I was still awake at 4am today. Just can’t switch off.
Good luck with the job hunting too. Have you thought of being a care worker? You must have lots of experience to offer.
Take good care of yourself. Lots of love xxx
Hello Suzanne and Tina,
Just wanted to say hi. Hope this week offers some good days. Love to you both xxx
Thinking of you Tina, sending you love and kindness xxx
Hi Suzanne. It was good to get out yesterday . Theatre is so good for the mind.
Not having a good day today though. It’s nearly always the early part of the week when I have bad days. Had an anxiety attack this morning and felt really down . I think it’s when you look too far ahead into the future and it seems scary. Where I’ve had a certain life and now weeks later it’s completely changed it plays on my mind. That’s why I need theatre as I can have some very dark days.
Hope you have had a decent start to the week
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Christine
Pleased to hear you had a productive day and you were going to catch up on your sleep.
From yesterday where I was feeling better going to my show, today feeling the opposite. Anxiety attack this morning and feeling really down. I get days where I keep thinking about the life I once had compared to now and apart from my theatre everything seems so overwhelming and awful. Will be speaking to Samaritans and Cruse later to help.
Hope you are having a decent day so far
Best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina
Just checking in to see how you are today. I’m not having a good one I’m afraid. Anxiety attack this morning and a feeling of dread about the future which becomes overwhelming on my bad days. My days up and then down again
Sending my best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I think we have to just be grateful for the better days and know that the downs are coming and there’s no preparation or control (hence the anxiety) and it’s a new pattern to our lives.
Getting back to my sewing is very mechanical and alongside the sense of achievement is a heavy reality of ‘but mams dead…she’s not here to see it…I can’t tell her what I’m doing…’ and I return to the emptiness of existing in a void, longing to be with her again and knowing I didn’t make my time with her more precious. I want to ask her why everyone is ignoring me. It’s been over 2 weeks now that my sisters have ignored texts from me saying I’m feeling a little better and I know I spoke to dad twice but he hasn’t phoned since or answered the phone when I’ve called him. It’s like I died with mam. I wish I had. Nobody in my family cares about me. How can they if they ignore me? I don’t understand how losing mam means I am now totally alone. Nobody will make room for my grief or my agoraphobia / panic attacks. They ere angry that I wouldn’t just do as I’m told, like a child. I’m just so shocked that there is no kindness towards me. I don’t understand what is going on.
So today will be filled with stitching my Indian panels to bamboo rails. It’s quite soothing sitting by the window watching the birds and seeing the garden starting to get buds on the trees. No fences or trees down in the storm so thankful for that.
Take care xxx
Love to Tina and Suzanne xxx
Hi Christine
Yes family can be so cruel at times. On my late father’s side of the family there was s big falling out and still to this day dont speak to many of them. On Mum’s side she didn’t have much family left but I speak to them more. Can’t help having days where I’m thinking ’ what we be doing at this time normally? ’ and just getting a huge surge of grief and sadness washing over me.
It does help you lovely people on here are there for me as I am for you all as you all understand
Take care
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I understand where you are coming from as honestly not having a good day myself tbh and you’re right it all stems from looking too far in to the future and thinking of the plans etc mum and I had made. Also keep thinking about why some friends just seem to have dropped me like a hot potato and I’m talking friends I’ve had for decades. I actually could just disappear and no one would care or notice.
I’m sorry as I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine just now and don’t mean to pull you down.
Sorry if you’ve already said but what is your next play? Is it an opera?
Here for you be it a good or bad day so hoping your evening lets you have some peace.
Take care of yourself and chat soon,
Suzanne x
Hi Neil and Suzanne and Tina,
I’ve finished stitching my panels but there’s no elation because I can’t tell or show mam. I don’t understand why I’m being ignored. Nothing has happened, there’s been no falling out other than me being so grief stricken that I was not able to see / talk to anyone. Everyone knows how heartbroken I am. I love and miss my mam. There’s nothing else to it. I sent texts over 2 weeks ago saying I was feeling a bit better but no reply. I could have died and nobody would know. Why does nobody love me enough to care whether I’m still here? Why does this happen to family after a funeral?
Neil I totally understand that surge of grief and sadness. I have that now. I had a plan to finish stitching and I’ve done that. I just feel very lost again and with that comes the longing and tears. It been over 12 weeks. I miss her so very much. I want to run away and disappear. Have therapy tomorrow. Don’t know how I will be.
Take care all, with love xxx
Hi Christine,
Sorry to hear that your family is blanking you and behaving so cruelly towards you. I don’t understand why they aren’t as chuffed to hear about your good days as we are.
I don’t understand why family and friends disappear when we need them most. I get they maybe are grieving etc themselves but I am at a loss. I do get it though that I too could disappear and only people that might notice is my work when I didn’t turn up for a shift x
I was thinking today that I must be a really nasty awful person to be in this situation where no one cares for me literally but I just don’t know anymore.
On a lighter note when you feel up to it post a photo of your panels as they sound delightful.
I know it’s so very hard but keep chin up and we all very much like hearing from you.
Love also to Neil and Tina 
Suzanne x
Hi Suzanne
I totally get it when you say friends have dropped you like a hot potato- I find that too and even more so with so-called ‘family’.
Been going round in circles trying to pay something over the phone this morning - automated payment system not working and staff working from home. Also the bank phoned and said I left my card in the machine so had to go back again. These things set me off.
Made a call to Samaritans earlier as I really needed to let things off my chest and the lady on the phone was great . Been thinking about and getting upset about my Dad today . Just wish he was here to guide me and help me . He was my hero.
Next show for me is the big West End musical Hamilton a week on Thursday- it can’t come quick enough !
Have a peaceful evening
Best wishes
Neil x