Hi Nic,
I am pleased you were able to watch some of it. I couldn’t. I was so upset already. But how wonderful to have a float from where you are. I remember helping with my sisters costume for the school float. She was some sort of creature. I’d love o part of that community vibe. There’s nothing like that here.
The way you are feeling is exactly how I am. I think I’m ok one minute and then it knocks me off my feel again. Don’t know how to stop it. But I do know the surge of grief runs it’s course and you will reach calmer waters again. It really is like a storm. I don’t know how people get through the day unaffected. It still doesn’t seem real. How could it be real? Why did it have to happen? Mam feels so far away from me at this moment and then other times I’m with her in the garden before she was ill and we’re chatting and chilling in the sunshine with a cuppa. I wish I’d known to be more precious about her and our time together. She was always just mam. I didn’t know I had a time limit. I’m getting upset again. I don’t know how to be without her in the world. Hopeless sums it up. I know you have to carry on for the children but I don’t know how you are able to function, getting them to school etc. And just putting a brave face on it for them must crush you inside. I see you on your bench longing to be with your mam again. I’m the same. I just want to be with her. I question why we even exist if we are going to die. Nobody explained how hard it was going to be. And yet I managed to deal with the builders yesterday (did a good job repointing the outside wall) and I’ve offered to drive my neighbour / friend to the vets tomorrow if my explosive diarrhea from last night stops. Never felt more horrendous in my life! And don’t know where it’s come from. It’s strange. Because I’m so isolated I think I have no friends but my neighbour 2 doors down (very reclusive) would be there for me no matter what it is. It’s so easy to feel totally cut off from the world. You have to remember you are dealing with added stress of the divorce and house etc. I really don’t know how you are doing it but you are and we are all here for you to help with whatever is happening.
Did you see Beki’s fab caravan. I would adore one. It reminds me of holidays when I was young and life stretched out before us with nothing to worry about. I haven’t been on holiday for many years because of my agoraphobia. Could you plan something for the summer with the girls? My parents booked a lot of cottage holidays through the Sun paper offers. It was always very nice. And hotels. Not long now for the summer hols. Even a weekend break could lift your spirits a little. Don’t know if that would work on me. Just trying to be helpful. I don’t think anything will help. It’s a process we have to endure. I can’t imagine ever feeling complete again. Keep posting. We are here with you. It helps me.
Kisses to the girls and lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
A lot of people see robins after a loved one has passed. I always have robins in the garden but they had never peered through the window at me, watching and coming to the kitchen door when I was doing dishes or having a cuppa. I think there is a spiritual world we have no clue about but I do believe our loved ones are watching over us. I want mam to visit me as a ghost but she hasn’t. I’m so desperate to have her back I would do anything to make it happen.
Thinking of you today. I know Tuesdays are hard. I’ve had to cancel my therapy because I woke up during the nice with horrendous pains, a raging temperature and explosive diarrhea. Still ill today so can’t risk going out. Annoying because I have the skip booked for afters. Luckily was able to rearrange for Thursday. Hope I don’t leak when the men come round to collect the scaffolding after the work yesterday!
Good luck with your session.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Tuesday not great for me again this week although I have had a lot worse so some sort of improvement I suppose.
Robins are lovely birds. They have one of the loudest of voices and they stand up for themselves against other birds.
Sorry you havent been well. I had some stomach trouble a while back. I think it’s the grief taking its toll on the body . Just seems so much effort we have to put in trying to cope.
The sun has gone in here now . Dont even watch the weather forecast now. Mum used to keep up to date with it.
Had a memory come up on FB- went to see Phantom of the Opera on this day four years ago. I was happy and everything normal. How times change!.
Anyway look after yourself
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Neil,
I hope today isn’t too hard for you and I hope talking to the Samaritans helps you. I don’t think the weather being so up and down helps.
It’s good you have shows booked and things to look forwards too. We have an air show the last weekend of June to go too. First time it’ll be just me and the girls though and I’m not the most confident driver and it’s about half an hour away but we’ll go. Mum loved things like that as did my gramps as he was in the RAF. I took mum to a proper air show one year and she nearly wet herself when she got to meet the red arrow pilots. One even signed her ticket for her. Be bittersweet to go but I made myself watch the jubilee flypast which had mum and my Gramps’s favourite planes in. Did make me tear up but wasn’t sobbing. I kept thinking they’ve got the best seats in the house to watch it now.
Sorry I’m going on a bit….
I hope today eases for you: you’re right, it is bloody hard.
Love Nic xx
Hi Christine,
I’ve been on some sort of cleaning mission today. Realised I’ve let things go a bit so I’ve had a good blitz and has made me feel a bit better. Also faced mums old tv. I hid it away and I as going to put it in my room but not been able to bring myself to do it. The last person to use it was mum on 13th Feb I expect. But I did it. I’ve set it up. She’d be pissed off more me not using it. She hated waste. I’ve only managed to use her hoover once though and could smell her house so have not used it since. But feel a bit happier knowing I’ve had a proper clean up. Hopefully the feeling will last a while. But the funk is never far away.
Sometimes I cry in front of them. Sometimes I just can’t hold it in. Especially in the first few weeks. Keep it more to myself now.
I hope you manage to get in the garden a bit today and I hope your belly feels better?
I did see Bekis caravan. I’d love a caravan or camper van so we can just go off somewhere. Half term holidays are always so expensive. Especially now a days. They are meant to be having a few days away with their dad and I’m not sure what to do. A friend said I can go and stay with him while they are away so might do that. I’ll see.
Just all shit really isn’t it?!
Lots of love
Nic xxx
Hi Suzanne,
Rosie is a cocker spaniel, there is another dog that comes into school for two days a golden retriever called sully, always wear a bandana. Its lovely having the dogs wonder around the school.
I don’t mind you asking, I do find great strength in my faith. I was brought up as Church of England, when our children were younger they went to Campaigners at our local Baptist Church. It is a uniform organisation like the Guides, Cubs etc but mixed boys and girls. So we went there. Our son drifted away when he found football, but our daughter is still very much involved, she is a young people and families minister, non-ordained in a CofE church, my son in law is training to be a lay minister. I did slightly drift away for a while, but Doug and I talked about going back after all the Covid Lockdowns.
Sadly Doug never got to go back, but we watched on line services from our daughter’s church. But after Doug died and lockdown was lifted I went back. I now go to a Methodist Church, which I can see if from my bedroom window, we all worship the same God so it doesn’t matter where I go. They have been so welcoming to me and going gives me an inner peace. I know I’m going to be with Doug again one day.
Enough of the deep stuff, my granddaughter dances twice a week a dance academy, and also she is doing GCSE dance at school. She also helps twice a week at the academy with the very young ones. The event she should have been doing on Sunday has been rearrange in the summer holidays.
You said about dog grooming is that what you do. X
Hi Beki,
Love Matilda and may look to invest in one myself just to have somewhere to go and chill and meditate 
x
I agree as mum also said that she used to laugh at me laughing at things…even programmes she hated x usually Still Game or IT Crowd are the ones that get me really laughing x
He sounds like a lovely man and can understand your concerns about age/stress but he made the trip to see you so he doesn’t appear too concerned…have a great time with him visiting xx
Hi Debbie,
Thank you for replying so openly and don’t find it too deep so don’t apologise. I find religion so interesting and fascinating so thank you x
I’m a trainee dog groomer but work full time as a retail manager so keeps me busy x I’m not very good but have a good trainer so will try post a couple of photos when I do them but only in once a week or so but do enjoy it x
Better get back to work so will chat more to you all later xx
Hi Christine, I’ve been looking at your textiles on your web page they are amazing. You should start them again in honour of your mum’s memory.
I think you just have to accept your dad is that way and not going to change, your mum was definitely the glue that kept you all together.
Hope you start seeing your niece again, I used to be very good at swimming but tend to do it only when I go on holiday now.
Was all the scaffolding still there when the men came to pick it up, it would be really cheeky of you neighbour to touch it.
I went with my daughter to see new Downton Abbey film you will enjoy it when it gets to streaming services. A warning it is sad in a couple of places and I sobbed at the end, we had to wait until everyone else had gone before I was composed enough to leave.
Our son hasn’t gone to church since he was eleven, he found football and most of his matches were on Sundays. Doug loved going to watch him. He was quite talented and was signed by Northampton Town FC in their youth programme, but at fifteen he stopped going, it became to serious, he just wanted to play with him mates and for the school team, that was frowned upon. He plays in Goal.
I was a dinner lady for a few years when our two were at infant and junior school.
I hope your therapy went okay today and your are not too down.
Love Debbie X
Hi everyone, just trying to catch up on all the messages.
@christine51, I hope you feel better soon, just seen your not well today.
@Beki, I love Matilda. Your grandad sounds fun to be, and you are sounding more positive now he is here.
@nicnic , so sorry your feeling down, not surprised with everything that is going on in your life at the moment. I know holidays can be difficult my son is split from his wife and arranging holidays is a nightmare for everyone.
Your going to have periods of time when you feel tearful and sad, just hug your girls tell them you love them and have a good cry.
I watched a bit of the pageant, was that float that came from Bridgewater, the one you were talking about, it was very impressive.
@NEILB72, shame the robin hasn’t come back, but as you have you mum at home perhaps that is the reason why.
Hope you are not feeling too down today, I see you some shows coming up, something to look forward to.
Hi @Suzanne30, look forward to seeing your photos
Hi @Tina19, I see you said in one of your posts you lost your husband, I’m am so sorry, is that why you came back to live at home and ended up with your difficult brother. I hope you don’t mind me asking.
Well I think I have caught up now, speak to you all later.
Sending love Debbie X X
Feeling a bit glum today. Odd feeling of butterflies in my stomach likes nervousness. Didn’t get a great nights sleep and thinking/worry about work and thinking too far ahead
Without doubt though my hormone cycle really is adding to mix of crapness. Bugger! Really need to see the GP soon.
One rubbish thing is I am struggling to get outside and into the garden or just sit outside for a bit. I don’t know why. I just hermit in the house but I know it would do me good to get fresh air. Not sure how to get around that. Maybe promise to go out and take a photo a day for you guys and if I don’t you can quiz me?!
@christine51 I often find with anxiety etc if you’ve had a good day or done something it almost kicks you up the bum later as you almost frighten yourself you did it and then think you can’t do it again. Another wave to let pass
Right back to try and do some work. Not sure what granddad and I will watch tonight
@NEILB72 hope this Tuesday is being kind to you
@nicnic. I need some oomph to tidy
@Debbie57 lovely to read about your faith. I do believe in something bigger and we will meet our loved ones again. Perhaps it just isn’t our place in this realm to know how that all works it is after all, faith
Best, Beki
Hi Neil,
It really is shit trying to plod on. Been watching the first season of After Life with Ricky Gervais. Someone on here said how good it is. I totally agree with how he sees the world, that the best of life has gone and what is left isn’t worth having. But I also see that the small things can matter, being kind to others. I think I stopped living a long time ago, before mam, being trapped at home. Been thinking of you today. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day.
Got a random phone call to book me in for the booster covid jab next week. Builder came to collect all the scaffolding. Annoyed (if I had the energy to be) that the council have stopped repairs in the loft until they have more staff. Been sleeping and then watching After Life. Porscha’s been snoozing too. So a pretty non eventful day. Didn’t even get in the garden to finish the arch. Had to cancel therapy and the skip afterwards. But I have rearranged for later in the week. Taking my neighbour/friend to the vet tomorrow as he doesn’t drive. He has anxiety too so understands my panic. I forgot he was a friend because I hardly see him but I know he would be there whenever I need someone. So I’m actually not completely isolated as I feel. Will reach out to my niece to see if she wants to meet up for swimming or going to a park on the bike when I’m ok again. There’s a nasty bug going round but I haven’t a clue how I’ve caught it. On the mend.
I don’t have stuff on facebook and don’t go on social media apart from posting my blogs for work (not done any since mam) so there’s nothing comes up to remind me of mam. It was such a luxury being cared for by mam before she got ill, blindly going through life untouched by grief. I was always mams worry, having had cancer twice and with the panic and anxiety. I wish I hadn’t been such a worry to her. I wish I was more grown up and responsible than I am, to have cared for her more than I was able to. I always tried hard but it just wasn’t enough. Watching films helps me zone out of reality and my own head. I’m so tired of the struggle to engage with life. I’m sure I’ll feel revived again when I get into the garden.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Nic,
I was just saying that to Neil, how shit it is and I’m so exhausted with the struggle to keep facing another day when all I want to do is not wake up. It is good that you cry in from of the girls. Its natural. To hide our feelings isn’t healthy. I think that’s why my family are so angry, because they run from grief. I think you should go and stay at your friends for a few days. A change of scene and some company will take you out of your environment, the daily struggle to cope. And if you are overwhelmed then so be it. I’m sure he will be their for you whatever you feel.
I’ve been so ill with a bug but am on the mend now (at least not on the loo!) and have spent all day in bed, sleeping and then watching Ricky Gervais’s After Life. It is so true that the best of life has gone and all we can do is try to continue until we join our loved ones again, taking some pleasure in the little things if we can. I hope I can get the second series. If not I’ll be binging more Z Nation. Have no energy at all.
I do love a good clean up. The rituals of washing dishes and cleaning clothes is comforting in a way. Well done for setting up the tv and using your mams hoover. They are hurdles to cross with much pain attached. But once you have done it you can become accustomed to it and then it becomes part of you again. I didn’t have a ‘caring’ role in cooking or cleaning etc and didn’t live with mam because she had dad. They moved to a place where care was on hand 24 7 with their own flat in the building. Not a care home but something similar. Independent living, with a roof garden with their own patch to nurture. Mam didn’t get to enjoy it with lockdown and then her illnesses. There’s so much sadness, in whatever shape or form. We all share it. I know tragedy is part of life but I didn’t have a clue what was coming. It’s a silent world. People don’t talk about grief. It’s hidden away. We are just left facing it. But I’m glad I have you all here with me. Feeling so fragile. Always on the edge of tears. It’s a new version of myself I didn’t know existed. I never cried before mam.
At least you have routines throughout the day, like taking the girls to school etc. I find each day stretching out is a torture if I have nothing planned. Too ill to get in the garden. So I’ll just get back to my Netflix. It fills in time and even though I always wander back to mam I can zone out for a while. We can only get through it best we can. But keep posting . It helps me to know you are all here.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Debbie,
I think its wonderful that your family are involved in the Church and that you find great comfort in it. I was christened Church of England and did the brownies and guides until I rebelled as a teenager and wanted to have ‘fun’. I had other stuff going on with ballet and then gymnastics as well as being very academic at school. I always wanted to be an artist and that is what I am but it’s all so meaningless now. Striving to achieve. Mam was always there to encourage me and be proud. You must be so proud of your children.
Do you really believe we will see our loved ones again? I want to believe that is true because if it isn’t then what is the point in any of it? My therapist has clients and friends who have died and been resuscitated and they described a feeling pure bliss. I want to know mam is with me just because I am so needy for her to be there. But more than anything I need to know that she is happy and safe where she is and that she will be there waiting for me. I hope she is with her parents and all the old aunties and pets we have ever had (lots of cats). I want her to be there for Porscha. I’m feeling really fragile because I’ve had a bug and it’s knocked me for six. But the feeling of needing to know she is happy is always there, It’s not knowing that is driving me mad.
Mam loved her church and stopped going because dad didn’t want to be involved at all. I wish I’d gone with her. She didn’t want to go alone. Dad would sit in the car outside while she attended midnight mass on Christmas Eve until she stopped going all together. It is so sad that she stopped doing the thing she loved and that brought her comfort. I wish I could go back and make it better for her but I know I can’t. My therapist said she didn’t want to be saved and chose the life she had. I want it to be perfect for her because I love her so much.
Sorry, I’m really sad today. Think the stomach bug has zapped whatever reserves I have in me for getting through the day.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Beki,
Feeling really down and worn out with a stomach bug so just sleeping and resting watched After Life and Z Nation to zone out. On the verge of tears all day. Wasn’t able to get into the garden at all. It will help push you into the garden each day if take pics to post here. It really motivates me. I found it extremely difficult getting out there so started with having the kitchen door open while I did dishes, making a cuppa etc. I just wanted to hide. But being out there is really therapeutic. And getting some sun improves the mood, nourishes the soul. I always feel motivated and uplifted when its sunny. Try just sitting with a cuppa, take in the view, look at what you would like to do and make a list of jobs. Looking at other gardens is great for inspiration. Try Pinterest online. I gave mam a subscription for Gardeners World for a Mothers Day gift and she kept it going afterwards so I have collections of her magazines. Took a long time before I was able to look at them. I used to cut them up for my work to create scrap books for colour and form but now house them in the kitchen to use as a source of gardening tips and ideas for layout. You have a fabulous space. A few climbing roses up arches to lead you around the area would be fab. I’m envious of your dense trees. Can imagine sitting in there in the summer keeping cool.
Enjoy having your grandad there. He’ll enjoy it too. Whatever surge of energy of joy may be short lived but it’s still there to be enjoyed in the moment. I’ve been in bed all day with a bug but I’m on the mend. Just going to watch more After Life on Netflix. Have you seen it? He describes perfectly the desolation and sadness we all feel. Try to make your time count with your grandad. When he leaves again you’ll be wishing you had done more. That is how I would feel anyway. Not telling you what to do, though I am very bossy! Even if it is just enjoying each others company in the sunshine. Mind you I think its going to rain here.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine, never give up on your dreams of being an artist it’s never to late to start. From what I saw of your textile work you already are on that road to success. Your mum will still be cheering you on to achieve what you want to.
Yes I am proud of our children, as I said before our daughter works for the church and our son is a groundsman, he’s to old to play competitive football now, so he looks after the pitches of two of our local football clubs and he does gardening for a few people. He takes after his grandad always loved working in the garden, since he was very small. He also DJs at the weekends. Mine you he never thinks to come and cut my grass for me. 
Yes I really do believe we will see our loved ones again, and I am sure they are watching over us.
I hope your feeling a bit better now, stomach bugs are horrible.
It’s a lovely evening I’m still sitting in the garden with a cup of coffee, listening to the fountain in our pond, it lovely and peaceful, all the neighbours have gone in.
Speak to you tomorrow.
Love Debbie X
Hi everyone
Looking at some of the posts and seems like today has been crappy for most of us. Here’s just a little something I saw and thought I would post x
That’s brilliant 
Just a little something to make us smile
He’s currently watching the football and he’s well fed so all well!
Many of those trees will have to be cut severely back or taken down as some are dead but I will replant with new trees as I don’t want to see into the people behinds garden (snotty mare!)
No photo from outside today but a friend sent me a little elephant in a matchbox “remember we love you”. Mum collected elephants so put it with her photo in the new display cabinet and other little members of the herd. The new one is the white one bottom left. Also by her picture are the salt and peppers she used to always pinch off Virgin Atlantic, think we have about 6 pairs 
Also have a little light box thing in my work study and redid that today
Saw the first 2 series of After Life and started series 3 before Mum died and can’t face it yet. A beautifully written and thoughtful show though. So true, no gloss
Beki x