Hahahaha Neil…actually made me laugh out loud 
xx
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@christine51…hope you feel better soon and if your body needs you nap and take it easy then do it and cuddle up to Porscha 
. I’ve started series 2 of Black Summer but can’t stand Ricky Gervais so never tried After Life. Do try iZombie x
@NEILB72…how has your Tuesday been? You said you were feeling a bit down…did you have a wee chat with the Samaritans? Least you have you call tomorrow from your friend also to look forward to. Have a peaceful evening xx
@Tina19…just checking in to see how you and Zoe are doing this week. Much love 
@nicnic…hope you’ve managed to get out to your bench tonight and has the bat ever to be seen again? Hope the wee one sleeps tonight and that you get nearly a whole nights sleep x
@Beki…what plans do you have for you and your grandad? If read your were saying you don’t really feel up to going out much but maybe all you need is to have him there x I do hope you feel better soon x I love your rose quartz elephant x
@Debbie57…you may regret saying about me posting photos as when I start I don’t stop lol x. Your description of you sitting in your garden listening to your fountain sounds so tranquil…I’m kinda jealous lol x
Have a good evening everyone and blessings to you all 
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Hello to everyone
Goodness me, there’s loads of interesting things been going on.
Beki, I think the caravan idea is brilliant. Did you say you’d converted it into a workshop or have I remembered wrong. We got some quotes to have some brick outbuildings knocked down with a view to building a workshop but the costs involved are horrendous. Saying that, builders can pick and choose their work it seems so there must be plenty of money going around.
Debbie. Yes you are right I lost my Husband in 2016 and our home was in Blackpool but I didn’t really know anyone so came to the family home 25 miles away with the intention of going back after a few months but I wasn’t coping at all, then Mum got Alzheimer’s, had several falls and then the worst happened. It’s our family home but Mum had an amazing right-to-buy discount and so they bought it together, well Mum did in all honesty. I still have my home but I doubt in reality I’ll be able to go back but at the same time can’t let it go. It’s all I have left of the life I had (one of the life’s I had) the other being my life with Mum, and now that’s gone. I suppose I have no right to be here but I pay almost all the bills, all the food shopping and provide house-keeping and valet services so my brother can’t say I’m taking advantage. Everything is such a mess. I know people say memories aren’t in bricks and mortar but I can’t muster up the courage to make a decision.
Nic and Neil.
So sorry to hear you’ve both had some bad days. I’ve had a couple of bad days also. Really badly troubled by distressing thoughts and things have been so bleak I’ve thought I really don’t want to do this anymore. I won’t go into detail but it’s not been good. Just miss waiting to hear Mum shouting at me, as she often did! or having to leave a job in hand to see if she needs something. All the things I could have done differently are just eating me up inside. As bad as it is I’m sure I’m not the only one having to deal with such thoughts. I see you both had a bit of a peek at the Jubilee. I didn’t see anything other than bits on my newsfeed about Prince Louis antics. Sounds like he knows how to make his presence felt. It’s nice to see them being the same as everyone else’s children isn’t it. I hope you are both feeling a bit lifted since you posted at that time. I am a lot behind I think.
Suzanne and Christine
Hope the animals have been treating you well Suzanne. What with your pets, the sanctuary animals and the dog grooming it sounds like you’ve got a natural affinity with animals. Preferable to human company sometimes some would say. Sounds like you are happy with them and that’s the main thing. Christine I understand entirely what you are saying about missing your Mum, you have a way with words and there’s plenty of times you’ve said things that I couldn’t have expressed as well as you have. I’d actually forgotten about that site with your work on, I’ll probably take another look at that as I enjoyed seeing what you do, it’s pretty amazing. Well, you’ve certainly had your share of activity with the council men coming. I can just imagine the chaos of you having to get ready for them at short notice!
I’m shattered today. Who would have thought one dog could be the equivalent of a classroom of delinquent adolescents. It was 15minutes after midnight and I’m standing in the garden in the pouring rain with my umbrella trying to get Zoe to wee whilst playing ball with it because that’s all it wants to do. It hadn’t wee’d since 5pm. It’s my next door neighbour that does the drugs but he’s probably looking down from his bedroom window thinking it’s me that’s on the drugs - or should be. I’ll be sectioned at this rate if anyone sees me. 6.30am tomorrow and I’ll be on dog-wee duty all over again.
What a right state to get in.
It’s 1.52am and I just try to get some sleep somehow.
Much love to all. xx
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Hi Tina
Lovely to see you post. Yes wasn’t a great day yesterday being a Tuesday, although I have had plenty worse. When those really dark days happen its frightening. You go over everything that happened and you cant get it out of your mind. I had one of those days a couple of weeks back and when you get the feelings of guilt that should have done something different that’s the worst . Makes me sick to my stomach.
That’s why I had to have counselling and still phone Samaritans for that bit of extra help . A few months ago I started with anxiety attacks and wished I could stay asleep rather than face the day or hope to wake up and it’s all been a terrible nightmare.
Thankfully those really bad days are getting fewer as I learn to cope with trying to live in the moment and that does really help.
Hope today can be a better one for you.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Tina,
Always lovely to have you here with us. Do you think the Jubilee celebrations was the cause of your darkness? I avoided it all and was so upset because mam would have been throwing a big party and we would have probably had one here and at my sisters. For me it’s not just losing mam but not being part of the family because my dad and sister have disowned me because I am so grief stricken. How is that right?
I see Zoe is still trying to wee at all hours and is the brother as difficult as ever or worse? If you refused to do all that you do he’d soon realise what a pickle he’d be in. Mam did everything at home and dad expected it, even when they were both working full time after we’d grown up. Under appreciated and expected to just do everything is so wrong. If dad did the dishes or hoovered it was ‘for mam’. He still hasn’t rang and never will. He will die soon without having spoken to me after the fight.
I’ve been so ill with a stomach bug. Thought there was something seriously wrong. It was worse than having chemo. But I seem to be over the worst. Been watching ‘After Life’ with Ricky Gervaise because someone said it was really good and it is brilliant. He describes grief beautifully in all its layers. Characters are endearing and I felt I was with friends in a way. I know that sounds daft but it’s like getting to know everyone here. I’d be lost without you all and cannot believe I’ve got this far. Been on the verge of tears for a week now, what with the celebrations and then having a bug. Don’t know where that came from because I don’t go anywhere. Had to rearrange my therapy for tomorrow.
I’m hoping to get into the garden again, even if its just to finish the arch and have a tidy. I was inspired by Beki to make a start on some textile work. Been avoiding it this whole time. I cut and pinned panels in preparation for finishing 4 pieces which were framed originally and now need quilting. I’ll photograph as I go and create a ‘how to’ blog for the online mag. I always felt that getting back to it would take me away from mam, like getting over the grief but it’s not that at all. Like the garden I will be filling in time to get through the day. Nothing more than that. Mam feels very far away from me at the mo. Feel very stuck. The sadness and questioning what I could/should have done is still present. It’s questioning myself, always being told I should not be who I am. I can’t be someone else. I’m not attacking anyone for being themselves. I refuse to be the scapegoat because they cannot deal with their own grief. And so I am alone and continue to be without mam. I didn’t appreciate who mam was outside of her being my mam. It’s like being a child and taking for granted that mam loved and cared for me the way she did. I think dad is jealous that she loved me so much. I know that sounds weird but it’s how it feels.
You should watch After Life. It’s really good once you get past the upset initially. He made me laugh out loud inbetween tears. Netflix is £6.99 a month but you can leave at any time. So much better than what’s available on Amazon Prime. Wish I’d joined sooner.
Offered to take my neighbour/friend to the vet today. I always feel alone like I have noone to call on but I know he would drop everything to help me if I need it. He’s a recluse too so we don’t see much of each other. He’s a kind soul and rings me every so often to check I’m ok after mam, especially if I don’t go in the garden. He has lost both parents and is the same age. Drinks to cope (doesn’t bother me). Life is so sad when a parents leaves. We feel so lost without them. Some give up, some plod on, and others face grief and get through the day. We can only do what is infront of us. All we can do is try.
The builders did a good repair job on the outside wall but the inside job has been cancelled through lack of staff. Maybe they’ve all got the bug. Think the rats are getting in through another hole in the inside wall from the creep. He must be coaxing them in with nibbles! But at least the pong in the loft has gone.
Must dash to get dressed. Having a reason to get out of bed gives me enthusiasm to tackle the bench full of dishes I have waiting for me when I get back. So easy to let things slide and become a thing.
Keep posting. I miss you when you aren’t here.
Lots of love xxx
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How cute, they are spreading the word free food
Should be working instead of checking my phone, but just be sent a horrendous job I keep putting off 
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How lovely 
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Tough day. More new furniture arrived and whilst I know Mum would love it and love I am making the house nice, I don’t know it just makes me feel very lonely. Granddad downstairs currently putting the knobs on the draw. I have a work meeting in 5 mins
Just feel bleurgh today. I really need to see the GP but just can’t face the battle to get an appointment, it’s a proper 3 ring circus.
Beki x
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Hi Tina, it’s sounds like you had alot going on in just a few short years. Losing your husband then your mum needing help, my mum had dementia too, we didn’t realise how bad it was until my dad fell over and mum just left him on the floor. Dad had protected her, but couldn’t do it anymore. They lived in a one bedroom bungalow, so no one was in a position to stay with them, we all worked apart from my eldest sister who was no help at all. In the end my cousin who’s a social worker helped us find residential care for them. But it was cancer in the end that caused mum death.
I can understand you not wanting to let go of the home you shared with you husband, it would hard to go back after all that has happened. Now your very unhelpful brother is giving you a guilt trip, he needs a swift kick up the bum. I know he’s grieving in his own way but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you the way he does. It’s your home too.
Zoe sounds mischievous, I can just picture you in the back garden playing ball late at night.
Are you a teacher, it was the comment on liking Zoe to a classroom of delinquent teenagers that made me think you might be.
My friend was telling me yesterday she was fed up of her cat yoweling in the night for no reason, she ignored her. Her reward in the morning the cat had 
in the bedroom.
I hope you have caught up on some much needed sleep.
Sending love Debbie X
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Hi @Tina19
Yes I made the caravan into my little fused glass/craft space. It’s lovely to have it all together and be it’s own space plus glass art and cat paws in the house don’t mix!
You’ve had so much happen. I can appreciate just how tiring and overwhelming it must feel at times. Sending you gentle hugs
Beki x
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The new furniture arrived and whilst J was in my meeting Granddad unpacked it all including the new tv stand so a nice surprise to come down to.
I’ve managed to get all the wires sorted and we have lift off!
Pippin cat has already been in the cupboard!!
Beki x
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I don’t want to get in trouble with @christine51 so have made myself come outside to sit on the sun for a few minutes as it is a nice day
Garden photo - my mum, usual purveyor of good taste just loved garden and Christmas kitsch! I rubbed her something rotten about her lady bird hanging basket 
but have planted it up this week:
Also when I came out, by where I sit:
Beki x
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Hi Tina,
Lovely as always to read your posts and have always found binding with animals a heck of a lot easier than humans lol x. With animals there’s no deception, hatred or sneakiness…if they don’t like or trust you they let you and try avoid you….and I get that totally x
That’s a hard choice to have to perhaps make in future…sell your house or not to sell. I do believe memories are not made in bricks and mortar but I know if I ever want to sell ul and move from the house I shared with mum then I would have her blessing as she wanted to move for decades but do you think it would maybe help if you did go home even for a couple of days just to get away from your brother? x it’s not a judgement., I am just concerned that your brother’s behaviour is making things even more hard for you x
I so wish I could come give you a big hug and slap him xx
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Hi Neil,
How are things with you today? Will your friend phone you tonight?
Just seen that there are train and underground strikes on June 25th and of course that’s when I’m due to be in London…so between that and EasyJet cancelling flights left, right and centre…so watch this space!!
Have you had a peaceful day today?
Wishing you much love xx
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Love this unit and that was great of your grandad just to build it for you
I know what you mean about buying new furniture…I had to get a new until for the tv etc and felt disloyal getting rid of the one mum had bought and also saddened that she wouldn’t see the new one but I know she would have approved especially as she didn’t have to build it lol x
Hopefully you’ve had a quiet day in the garden and really like the ladybirds face x
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Yes, all sorted at work that horrible job is done.
Those ducks are going to bring all their mates tomorrow 
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Hi Christine,
How do you find yourself today? Have you managed to get in to your garden?
I haven’t managed to check out your updates yet on your blog but I will do as soon as I can x
I got my new watering can yesterday as it’s been so hot up here the plants are parched…woke up this missing to pissing it down 
lol x so as it stands it remains unused lol
Looking forward to seeing any photos you may have taken of your new projects x
As regards your dad…i honestly believe he will be in touch with you again but probably not until he’s been up North and I suggest if you are offered some ashes then even if you’re not sure just not I would keep some because of you say no then there will be no changing your mind afterwards as don’t want you regretting it down the line x I still have some of mums and tbh I sometimes feel quite detached from them as I don’t equate them with being her…but it brings me peace to know she’s there in part if I want them x however you have to do what you feel is right and no one can judge until they are in the same situation x
I hope you are still enjoying your programmes and that Porscha is keeping you on your toes lol x I have no idea where my ginger ninja ie Cal is but I reckon I’ll find him on ‘his’ weighted blanket x
Take care and chat soon x
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