Of course you did! I was just posting to Beki about the boating holidays I had with the family and this little guy is just like the hoard we used to feed every morning. They were so noisy wanting their breakfast. Beautiful colourings.
I managed to make a start on some textile work. Been avoiding it since mam. Was inspired by Beki doing some work with her glass. I’ve realised that I can use my textiles as chunks of time the way I do the garden. So the pressure I put on myself as ‘getting back to normal’ by sewing isn’t there now. It’s just preparing panels to finish work but it’s a start and will lead me into summer.
Must get my little POrscha in. Can’t believe the time.
Building work is finished so really pleased and such lovely blokes too. They always are. Though one turned up with the scaffolding and seemed to remember me but I didn’t remember him which was rather awkward in front of the other two. So I just played along chatting about the loft. The creep came back in the middle of them working. Sure it was to be nosy. I had no clue until I saw his van was there. I was telling the workman about the creep and it never fails to amuse me, the look on their face as they process what he actually did.
Finished the 2 series of Black Summer and waiting for 3. Will start Z Nation next. It got me through the Jubilee and I’ll just keep going to fill in the evenings. I’ll also watch After Life. Someone was saying how good it is.
Thought of you with your Glastonbury trips when I saw a documentary last night on the mechanical art that is a regular feature there. Reminds me of Mad Max.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Must get my little Porsch in from the garden but you can see from my posts to Beki and Suzanne I’ve had a good day, repairs are done and despite the creep coming back I managed to start dome textile work, inspired by Beki doing hers. So I’ve got over that massive hurdle of textiles representing ‘moving on’ from mam. I haven’t. It just means I can fill in time sewing in the house like I do the garden outside. It’s for rainy days when I can’t be out there. I can be focused on sewing but still think of mam. Had got in a real pickle about it representing not missing her. So silly.
Let us know how your session went. I have my therapy tomorrow. Always reminds me of dad now because I would phone him instead of mam before I went in. It’s been weeks now and he hasn’t rang after putting the phone down on me and saying we were parting ways. Still not a peep out of anyone else.
Catch up later.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine, did the builders do a good job. I thought you might get most of the day to yourself, with creep back at work. I see you were trying to assemble an arch when he came back.
My mum came from Yorkshire, she was born in Guisborough, she worked in service in the kitchens like in Downton Abbey, she worked in the London residence of Lord and Lady Luke, during the summer months the family moved to Odell in Bedfordshire, that’s how she met my dad, who was a farmer. We always laught as she had gone out with a Butler, and dumped him for a farmer, but she kept the teaset he gave her, called Charlie after the Butler.
I work in a secondary school been there 27 years, I run the print room doing all the photocopies, and various other things like laminating, download cameras camcorders etc.
My youngest Granddaughter is at my school. I do see students, but I try not to go out of my office at the change of lessons.
We do have a lovely therapy dog called Rosie, she belong to one of the assistant heads. First thing in the morning I like to go into the staff room to make a cuppa and have a five minute play with her. The students take it in turns to walk Rosie at break and lunch times.
Working does help keep my day busy, but I don’t enjoy it as much as I used too, I miss having no Doug at home waiting with a cup of tea for me.
When I retire I have plenty of jobs lined up, mainly at the church I go to, and I will be able to meet up with friends more. The key for me is keeping busy, if I spend too much time alone that’s when I get really down.
I can’t understand your family, why your dad doesn’t phone or even visit you more. As a mum my son is struggling at the moment, I’m just there for him, either phone or text him to make sure he is okay, the same with my daughter. That’s what a parent should be doing.
Hope tomorrow you can get out in the garden and be in your happy place.
Love Debbie X
Hi Beki, so glad you have your Grandad with you, well done for eating a proper meal. I love Pippin so cute. Matilda sounds interesting.
Debbie X
I love watching all wildlife, the duck is very cute. We have a guy on our local Facebook spotted page that takes some fantastic pictures, he just taken photos of baby peregrine falcons nesting in the church steeple.
I can only manage a robin, watching us eat at my local garden centre.
I was telling Christine we have therapy dog at work, I like a play with her every morning sets the day up.
Beautiful pic of the robin Debbie. Mum was quite superstitious about them and I am now too x
They say when a robin appears a loved one is near, I like to think it’s true. X
Hi Christine:)
I am so happy to hear of you starting your textile/craft work today as that is a massive step forward 
x
I hate having workmen at the house not because they aren’t nice…it’s just the mess they often leave lol x
Was thinking of you tonight actually cause I came home and felt very down for some reason and just was thinking about my mum and was dreading the evening stretching ahead of me so went out to the garden to get rid of some weeds in between my paving stones that was annoying me and next thing my neighbour was in helping me, cutting back my plants that were needing dead-headed etc…and then two hours later I came in lol x I felt a lot lighter and could see why you feel more free and focused when you’re working the garden as it certainly helped me tonight x
You are now ahead of me watching Black Summer as I need to start series 2…have started to watch the new version of the Midwich Cuckoos and so far not really impressed but will give it another couple of episodes.
When I think of Beki’s wee caravan I just think of the trailer that was in Grimm (don’t know if you watched that or not but if not you should) where he kept all his books and weapons lol x
Wishing you a great night and chat soon xx
Hi Debbie 
Such a cute wee Robin and like it’s heads tilted like it’s listening to someone x
What kind of dog is your therapy dog? We had a dog in the groom room today and the noise it was making cause it was being ‘ignored’ was enough to make me what therapy…just went on and on lol x
Do you find great strength in your faith if you don’t mind me asking? You seem very involved with the church and it certainly seems to keep you busy
Is your granddaughter getting to dance again since yesterday was postponed? Did you say it may not until August or did I imagine that? xx
Hi Neil,
How are you doing today? Did you get back to your counselling today as planned?k
I made the mistake of going shopping in my lunch hour as I knew I wouldn’t bother after work and I seem to have bought the biggest pile of rubbish ever lol x only thing remotely that I needed that I actually bought was toilet roll lol x. I’ll not starve that’s for sure x
Do you have plans for the rest of the week at all? I’m working until Saturday and I completely I forgot I have a zoom conference on Wed night with Scottish Badgers so will have to make sure I’m not in a late shift that night 
x
Out little duck friend at work actually comes up to the front door in the morning and taps it with her beak if we are still closed then she has a fight with the pigeons that are loitering about and one pigeon was so fat that it was literally waddling and when it tries to fly it was like watching the Hindenburg blimp take off and then drop 
x
Anyway hope this evening finds you well, much love x
Hey Beki,
Glad to hear your grandad arrived safe and sound and it’s amazing what a good meal and some by company can do for you x
Enjoy every second he’s with you and look forward to hearing more about it xx
Here’s Matilda, she’s by my back door. Lucky I have a good space there and a long driveway.
We looked at getting a shed/workshop and the cost was astronomical! Foundations, electricity etc. was watching George Thingys Amazing Spaces and min said could we just convert a caravan. My neighbours are in VW stuff and got the caravan thrown in with a load of VW parts and vehicles - barely been used!!
I’ll find some pictures of the inside too.
but OMG Christine your artwork is exceptional. I love it! May have to make a piece of fused glass you could put on a piece.
My fused glass is just a hobby. Proper work is as a learning and development manager for a global tech company but I work from home and am the only British employee! Not so glamorous but I get to be a bit creative in my role.
With Granddad stopping he is in my room and I am in mums room - musical beds as he isn’t used to a single and May fall out 
. Feels comfortable in here but also sad as she was stuck in this room for so long. I hope she is getting the sense my being in here supercedes all those earthly shackles that spoiled her final years though not without putting up a fight.
Off to look at more of your work Christine - I’m inspired and definitely need to get back into Matilda and make some stuff
Beki x
We make sure we watch something funny every night. Mum always said the thing she loved most was the sound of me laughing.
Tonight we watched old Catherine Tate episodes.
He is my step Granddad. My actual granddad was killed when mum was 14. My gran went on to remarry John just before I was born. He was 16 years her junior!! Loveliest man you could ever meet. Took us all on lock, stock and barrel. Mum said she was lucky to have had the best dad and the best stepdad.
I worry the stress this puts on him. He is 80 but learning to cherish the moments and try not to torture myself with thinking and catastrophising the future
Beki x
Hi Debbie,
I really cannot fathom where I got the idea you were a dinner lady of little ones! Just shows what a fog I am in. Must have been someone else. I remembered it because my sister did that when the children were small, years ago. So it stuck. You must be a real busy bee in that office. And how lovely to spend time with Rosie each morning. Don’t blame you for avoiding the rush of break times. I went into McD’s once with my niece and it was mayhem with them all in there from the college. I waited outside. Made me very anxious indeed.
You’ll see from my earlier posts I actually did some textile work today. Very basic prep work but I’ve been avoiding it since mam. So now I’ve done a bit it can be my indoors filling in time, the equivalent to the garden outdoors. I felt that starting work would mean I was over the grief and I couldn’t leave her behind.
You’re so right about spending time alone not being good. I see my therapist once a week for an hour and that is the only human contact I have, including the phone and text apart from an odd one from my niece and sister up north. My other sister lives 5 mins in the car round the corner and I pass her house to go to therapy. I don’t know why she cut me dead. Just stopped answering my texts after I chased her to pay money back into my account for a takeaway. My card was on the app used so it was a genuine thing. Nothing has happened apart from that. We haven’t fallen out. Dad just fights with me every time I’ve seen him. He gets very angry and won’t own it. He says it’s both of us. I won’t put up with that behaviour. He said I would have a very miserable life if I didn’t stop hiding away in my grief for mam and that he has moved on and I should too. So I am not allowed to grieve or be upset. But my sister can. That is the reason why he slammed the phone down on me, saying that he didn’t want to but we would have to part ways. That was weeks ago now. He is just so angry towards me. Mam would be so upset and angry at him for treating me like this. He is angry that I haven’t got better with my agoraphobia or panic attacks. The whole family believe that. They were all against me and I don’t know why mam’s leaving meant that I wasn’t part of the family any longer. So I remain totally isolated. But I will contact my niece and hope to start swimming and going for bike rides like we used to. Don’t know how that will work out with my sister (her mam). I cannot understand how any of this can happen in a family. Mam obviously controlled a lot more than I realised. We would just look at each other and know what the other one was thinking. It didn’t need to be said. She accepted me with my agoraphobia and fear of being outside and around people (PTSD after being stalked). She understood my limitations and loved me anyway. She knew what it took for me to actually visit them (40 mins drive alone). I don’t know how mam tolerated dad all these years. I kept telling her she didn’t have to. Loving your children the way you do is natural and it is unconditional. That is what mams are. I love my mam more than life itself and still want to be with her. When I visited her at the chapel of rest I wanted to crawl inside her coffin and stay there. I still see her little purple fingers holding the gold buddha I gave her to accompany her on her journey. I’ve always found life really hard and it is unbearable now. But I fill in the day with segments of time to get me to evening. I still wake up crying and it still smacks me in the face throughout the day that she is gone and it is real and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It’s so horrific that it can’t possibly be true. But I know it is.
I would like to help out at the church. There are so many here. I was baptised, went to Sunday school etc but stopped going with mam when I was a rebellious teenager. It must be nice to be part of something, to help others, to do something good that makes a difference to others. You are a lovely lady! My mam was always kind and charitable to people, especially the homeless. I wish I was more like her. I can’t do things alone.
It’s funny that your mam worked in service. Both my old aunties did from being young girls. Really hard graft. But that was what girls did then, those who were fortunate to get a position. I love those period dramas and remember ‘Upstairs Downstairs’ growing up. I find it fascinating how social classes remain in that fixed tier system with adhering to the rituals of generations gone before. My fave film is ‘Brideshead Revisited’. Adore the beautiful buildings and opulence. Very sad though. Mam loved those films too. I was really upset when they announced the new Downton Abbey film at the cinema, the one in India. Can’t go to the cinema so will see it on Netflix.
I am so pleased that the work is done (very well) on the outside wall. Lovely blokes. They always are. Mam would always come over to be with me whenever I had repairs because I am so claustrophobic and panic. But I did well today. The creep came back after a couple of hours so wasn’t at work. Probably being nosy. I told the workman what he did with the loft wall and getting in through the ceiling hatch. It’s always amusing to me watching their faces as they process what I am telling them. They have to collect the scaffolding tomorrow. I hope the creep doesn’t nick it during the night from my back garden.
OMG! This has become a mammoth reply! So I’ll leave it there and just want to say your Doug is always with you but just imagine him there while you’re making your tea when you get in from work. He’ll be watching over you while he’s waiting for you to join him. I wish I could take comfort in that, that mam is with me but I don’t feel her near me. I do when I’m in the garden. Hope to get out there tomorrow after therapy. I will either be balling my eyes out missing mam because it makes no sense that she isn’t here or I am numb and mechanical. Can’t win wither way. No balance.
Going to make a start on Z Nation (zombie horror).
Lots of love xxx
Lots of love xxx
Hi Suzanne,
I can certainly see why gardening is being prescribed by GP’s because it really does lift the soul. You do have good neighbours! And each small task is part of a big jigsaw puzzle. The workman was admiring my garden so I walked him round and all he kept saying was how much work it took. I’m so used to seeing it I don’t have the perspective of new eyes. What I do see is all the jobs to do!
It is fab that I made a start on the textiles. It’s been haunting me and becoming a huge thing to avoid. I started it to fill in time while the workmen were here and I’ve prepared panels for 4 pieces to be quilted. Mam taught me so many textile skills before I even started school. She is the reason I am a textile artist. Still can’t see it as a form of therapy though. I’ll just see how I go. A little bit each day will get me back into it.
I can’t wait to start Z Nation. That was my plan tonight but my post to Debbie became a huge essay. I get so carried away. I type like I chat. Haven’t seen Grimm but it is on the tv. Never heard of the Midwich Cuckoos. Now I’ve joined Netflix I realise how shit Amazon Prime is!
Can’t wait to see Beki caravan. Would adore one for myself. Would go in there just to mooch about with Porsch. Reminds me of holidays, being little, freedom.
There was something on tv tonight about a nest of baby turtles. I thought of you with your badger obsession! No connection. It’s like you have become the animal whisperer x
Have you seen the shaky cats on you tube? They must have some kind of condition. It was hilarious watching them trying to eat (not in a mean way, just I knew they were naturally like that so could enjoy the humour in it).
Trying to catch up with everyone before I start on my Z Nation. Just realised the time!
Lots of love xxx
Glad you are inspired! I’ve been creating this stuff since I was at school. The Mother and Child (Mary and baby Jesus) and Jesus 1 was created at school for A level and grew as I added more to it. Had a fab textile teacher. Before discovering textiles I would have been a portrait fine artist using charcoal and pastels. The textiles is so time consuming I gave up drawing and wish I hadn’t. Because my work is abstract I don’t need to do that much drawing. But you inspired me to get back into it so a huge thankyou. And a piece of glasswork would look fab. I’ve got a new piece to start on a stained glass window for the religious series.
You are so lucky to have your caravan as a work space. Looking forward to seeing inside. I’ll take some pics of my workspaces at home. Basically, the sofa beside the window for light or my bed if the creep is at home (I have a single bed now just so I have more floor space and have never fallen out of it!) and in the summer the patio with the cats lounging around overhead.
It must be a bittersweet feeling of being in your mams bedroom but just remember how pleased she was when she came downstairs with that lovely screen (beautiful). I do hope I haven’t mixed you up with someone else. I thought Debbie was a dinner lady! Brain fog. Your mam knew she was loved and taken good care of. You are not perfect (I would like to be!) and write down the wonder things you did together that made her day. Like Tina said, it’s the little things that count just as much as a big gesture. Can you feel her close to you? I feel a sense of mam in the garden with me.
Enjoy having your grandad there. Maybe he could make it a regular thing. I’m sure he will enjoy being with you just as you with him. Is he a gardener? I know its going to rain some of the week here. Maybe you could go out for a meal to make it a bit special. I do wish my family would be there for me. I don’t understand it. I don’t need babysitting. A bit of kindest is all I’m after. Have my therapy tomorrow so hope to find some clarity. An hour goes so quickly. Basically I’m a gobby cow and never shut up and run out of time! He’s so lovely. But he doesn’t get a chance to speak generally speaking.
If you are able to get a collection together (vary colour and scale and pricing) you could try selling on Etsy and Folksy. My work is too large and not commercial enough (I have tried). You could create window hangings to catch the light like Tina’s sun catchers as an addition to what you already do. Jewelry is another popular line. Always worth trying something to see if it sells. Looking at venues gives you insight into what is on there and the range offered. And what you have to do to compete.
Your ‘real job’ sounds very grown up and complicated! My website is a do it yourself platform. When I started I hadn’t used a computer and had to learn from scratch, having no skills or knowledge. So I taught myself. Have to revamp the websites again. Was in the middle of it when mam happened and haven’t looked at it since. That’s another huge hurdle to tackle. Just have no interest in it now.
I am so jel of your Matilda! Makes me want to go on holiday seeing her. Such a lucky girl!
Lots of love xxx
I keep telling my therapist he cannot leave me like mam has and his reply is ‘I’m not planning to!’
Morning everyone.
I’ve a lot to catch up on but love all the pictures.
It has been a rough few days lately and found I’ve been crying a lot and feeling quite low. I need to somehow get out of this mood but don’t know how to. Life feels hopeless really at the moment.
I hope everyone else is ok. I did watch some of the jubilee stuff. The parade especially as there was a carnival float that was made and performed by people from where I live. We have a carnival every November except covid obv. I was even in it myself when I was younger. Was great fun and lots of happy memories.
I hope today treats you all well.
Sending lots of love,
Nic xxx
Morning Nic
Having said I wouldn’t watch any of the jubilee, I did watch some of the concert and a bit of the pageant, although couldnt watch Cliff as immediately got upset because of Mum.
I felt nearly normal again on Saturday as went up to London and apart from a security scare when I got there and the nightmare of getting in the station to come home, everything in between was great.
Counselling went well yesterday but the Tuesday sadness rearing its head today and I will cope by speaking to Samaritans later on.
At least having some shows booked, if I have a bad day then a good day is round the corner.
I think we will get these tearful days for a long time yet but hopefully fewer and fewer as we try and live alongside our grief. I’m still trying to say living one day at a time and in the moment but it is bloody hard.
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Yes I would like to think that is true as well.
When I had the call to collect Mums ashes I went in the kitchen afterwards and a robin flew under the window and looked me right in the eye and I felt a shiver up my spine. Really strange feeling. Since the ashes have been here I haven’t seen the robin x