Hi Suzanne
Not too bad a day considering it is a Wednesday . A few ups and downs. My friend phoned me about an hour ago. I keep him up to date with all my pics from shows etc so he can see where I’ve been.
I haven’t got a show booked for that week with the strikes happening. I was planning on a couple of museum visits one day that week so will do it last minute when the trains are running again. Hope you can get to see your show. You can get a refund or change the date but it all depends who you booked it with .
Hope your evening is as good as can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil,
Glad to hear today hasn’t been too bad and that friend of yours is such a nice soul x
Luckily we paid cancellation fees on the theatre tickets and don’t pay the hotel until we get there and can cancel up to the actual day so lucky in that respect x
I just hope all the industrial action doesn’t cause more job losses cause they may relent and give a higher wage etc but they won’t take it out of the shareholders money or am I just being too cynical lol x
Have a pleasant evening and chat soon xx
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Day ended better than started. So cuddled in bed with Peggy cat. Booked the next two days off work.
Whatever your day has brought you, wishing you all a peaceful night.
Beki x
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Hi Beki,
I was just chatting to Susie in ‘Why do I feel regret’ (I don’t often chat outside our group but I was drawn to her post) and I couldn’t stop. I’ve just written a thesis in reply. Totally balling my eyes out and on a rant. Surprising because I’ve had a good day. Hope I haven’t put her off joining our lovely group.
You are a very good girl sitting in the sunshine. I find those feathers and I always smile and think it’s my mam telling me she’s watching over me. When she first left they were everywhere, including on the front doorstep as well as the back garden. I like to think of our mams as angels, flapping about watching us, letting us know in subtle ways that they are ok. I desperately need to know mam is happy wherever she is and I will meet her when my time is up (I still hope it’s soon because a lifetime is just too long to wait).
I love your mams sense of humour with her hanging basket and the red is perfectly colour coordinated. You can’t help but smile just looking at it. I have a very rude gnome who has his todger hanging out (no trousers). I painted it (red nail polish) so it will be celebrated by everyone who sees it. Will take a pic tomorrow.
I got lots done today, potting on and tidying up. I took my neighbour/friend to the vets today and started crying because his cat has a tumour and they can’t remove it. It’s his cat and he was comforting me. I just can’t stop the crying. I love his cats. They love my garden and are always hanging around. I just come back to wondering what is the point in anything if we are all going to die?
Took the plunge and texted my niece about going swimming soon (after my bug is totally gone - don’t want to be having a brown accident in the pool!) and my sister up north. She phoned me and I told her about dad and she insists it comes from a good place (that anger), that he loves me (through being angry at me) and that I should phone him to ask why he doesn’t want to see me ever again and why he slammed the phone down on me! She admitted that he is very angry but seemed to think it was a reaction to me and my conversation (even though I explained the 5 minute conversation). She kept going on again about me taking medication because she can’t function without it. I am baffled that they both think they can tell me what is best for me and that I should do as I am told, like a child. It infuriates me. I should have a choice whether I take medication or not. I am not depressed. My mam has died and I am devastated. So I am to blame for not helping myself. I don’t know why I bother trying to have a conversation with her when she just wants to tell me what’s best for me and won’t listen to me or accept that I have a choice. I’ve tried medication for anxiety in the past and the side effects were worse than the anxiety itself. I’d rather face the grief and anxiety as it comes and work through it. It is just what I think is best for me. My sister agrees with dad that I will be miserable if I don’t stop being grief stricken, even though she is just as devastated as I am. But she is allowed to be. I am not. Is it any wonder I get so angry? And baffled that I am not allowed to feel anything.
OMG Beki, I’m really letting it all out tonight. Just wanted to watch a bit more After Life before I went to sleep but thought I’d quickly check everyone’s posts. I’m an emotional car crash at the mo. So unstable.
So glad you got a bit of sun. Did you feel rejuvenated? I always do. Going to be nice all week I think so try to do a bit each time the suns out. Just a cuppa in the garden will make a difference to your day. Thinking of forcing myself to walk round a park as a new routine of getting out of the house. Inspired by After Life. Wish I had the beach close by. Loved South Shields beaches when we lived up there.
Night hun xxx
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Hi Suzanne,
You are funny (Cal on his weighted blanket). I was just saying to Beki, I’ve had a good day, took my neighbour/friend with his cat to the vet and burst out crying because his cat has a tumour and all they can do is give steroids to manage his condition. He was trying to comfort me. I’m on the brink of tears all the time. It feels like death is everywhere, waiting for me to find it. But I recovered and did lots in the garden afterwards.
I texted my niece to go swimming soon (when I know I won’t be diarrhearing myself in the pool!!) and my sister up north. She phoned me back and we caught up but I told her about dad, his anger toward me, the fight, him ‘parting ways’ and slamming the phone down on me weeks ago. She basically believes that he is thinking of me and wants me to be happy. Completely misses the point that he thinks he can tell me I shouldn’t feel anything, not be upset, get over mam and move on. But she is allowed to be upset because she is taking medication and therefore helping herself to cope but I am not because I refuse to do as I am told. It drives me mad. I am not a child. I will not tolerate his anger. He cannot control himself. I am not my sister. I can chose to not do what she does. I am allowed to grieve for as long as I need to.
I do still want mams ashes. Not sure if they will live in the little egg in the buddha shrine or be added to the garden by the secret gate. Whatever the effect it has on me I’d rather have some of mams ashes than not and regret it. Just be bloody awkward having to see him again, if it happens. I’m still baffled that he would treat me like this and think that he’s the victim. I give up trying.
I’d love to see a pic of your new watering can. Thinking of treating myself to a new wheelbarrow but not sure I’d get round the garden that well now with the narrow strip of lawn. I keep dragging the old one around that has no air in the tyre (totally flat wheel) and holes in the actual barrow (haven’t got a clue why they are there). But then wondering if I should when petrol is going to soar again tomorrow (would have filled up today if I’d known).
Invited a lovely new person to our group (Susie). Was drawn to her post (don’t usually go outside our group) and when I was responding to her reply I couldn’t stop myself getting upset and went into overdrive, totally forgetting that I’m chatting to a new person who doesn’t know me and may think I’m a complete nut). Hope I haven’t frightened her off!
Got the rat man checking traps again tomorrow (haven’t heard the buggars lately but doesn’t mean they aren’t there) and then my therapy. Will be chatting about my sis phonecall and dad situation. Same stuff churned over again. My therapist doesn’t understand dads behaviour towards me. Then I’ll get in the garden again and pot on the plug plants. I’ve lost some, some are doing well, and some are getting eaten. Such a lot of work. Don’t think I’ll bother again with plugs next year. Be ok in a greenhouse when you can regulate temperature and keep slugs away. Will take pics tomorrow. Had a tidy up and got the arches up so looking a lot better. My roses are out so chuffed with that. Feeling quite upbeat again until the next wave.
Lots of love xxx
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Maybe’s if we all turned up to hug Tina and slap the brother he’d take the hint. I agree his behaviour is just outrageous and Tina doesn’t deserve being treated like that.
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Of course he has! Why would he not?!
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Debbie you did make me laugh about the poo in the bedroom. Porscha has never done that to me thank goodness. It’s bad enough having to tackle the litter tray before I have warmed up her chicken and hand fed her because she refuses to eat out of the bowl. I have to soften it up a bit by squidging it in my fingers. I then make coffee for myself. She is such a princess!
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Hi all,
Having a good morning, waiting for the rat man and then therapy after. Hope to get in the garden when I get back to pot on more plugs. Here’s my naughty gnome
ang my roses are starting to bloom
When I was in the garden yesterday I kepy getting wafts of loveliness and realised it was the wallflowers. They’re starting to go back and seed
but the sweet williams are wonderful
and my strawberries are ripe for picking (taking some for my therapist)
Will be back later on. Feel better for having spoken to my sister up north yesterday but still don’t know I am the focus of the family needing to be fixed. They should respect my independence and. I’m not trying to fix anyone.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Christine
Look at those flowers! Beautiful. Thanks for posting them and glad to hear you are having a better day today
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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@NEILB72 just want to let you know your words are really inspiring, hope you know that. It’s slow but we can inch forward with a life albeit a new type in many ways
Beki x
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Oh @christine51 that gnome is hilarious 
Mum and I had a tradition of buying a kitsch thing for the garden to remember loved ones
Her brother who took his life in ‘91 was a climber so we got this. Oh god he’d hate it
To remember Mums dad she got the hedgehog in the car as he was a mechanic who loved motorsport. I got the little fox to remember mum as she loved foxes and we had one who visited the garden for many years
Elsewhere is a meerkat in memory of grandma who would jump up to look out the window at the slightest hint of movement 
Beki x
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Hi Neil,
I am having a good day and think it’s because I know my sister is just as devastated about mam as I am. Not that I want her to be but it is comforting that I’m not the only one.
Aren’t those roses just beautiful. They’re very old now so well established. My new ones will need about 10 years to look as pretty. That means I’ll be in my sixties! OMG I’m getting old.
My therapist agrees that dad’s behaviour towards me doesn’t make sense and is cruel. Think he’s disowned me because he knows I won’t be pushed around but also that I can see who he is without mam and won’t tolerate his behaviour. I won’t be part of his game where he takes no responsibility for his actions. But despite all of that I’m still having a good day. Actually listened to music in the car which is a first since mam. Didn’t feel anything at all and it was just background noise. But I crossed another hurdle.
Off to collect some plant pots now so I can get in the garden and pot on if the rain showers keep off.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Beki,
That gnome climbing the wall is hilarious and quite freaky! Got my little chap at the car bootie years ago. Couldn’t resist. Mam thought it was horrible! And he is!!! He screamed at me every time I go up there to look at it and I can’t not! I can imagine your grandma jumping up to see what’s going on at the window. It’s lovely that your ornaments are specially chosen and embrace the person you love. I still haven’t looked properly at angels for mams corner but will when I get her ashes. Not looking forward to that as dad will be the one to have them. He still hasn’t phoned.
I used to have a very old stinky fox living in the rabbit hutch that the bees are now nesting in. Don’t know where he’s gone. Hope he comes back again. I always used to feed the foxes but had to stop when the rats came back. No more activity so the rat man doesn’t have to return and I’ve not heard them so hope they’ve left.
Off to collect some pots for potting up my plug plants. So much work!
Glad to see you back out there again.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi everyone,
What beautiful roses Christine, and I love the cheeky gnome great use of nail varnish. What a shame about your neighbours cat, it was an upset you could have done without. But pleased to hear your sister from up north phoned you.
I’ve never seen a climbing gnome before Beki, we have all sorts of gnomes and animals in the garden too. Your grandad sounds very practical with flat pack furniture. Doug and I often had words when we used to do it.
Did the ducks come back this morning Suzanne.
Tina, Nic and Neil hope you are okay
Doug was a bit of a curtain twitcher didn’t miss much in the street so our son bought him this
Our son also bought me some garden fairies
Speak to you all soon, have a good evening
Love Debbie X
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Hi Debbie and love the pics. Thanks for posting.
Mum’s disability equipment finally set to be taken after weeks of going round in circles. In a way I’m sad as the wheelchair has been on a lot of adventures and was a part of my life but on the other hand it is on loan and someone else can use it .
Weekdays going slow this week and cant wait for my show on Saturday.
Hope you have a good evening
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Hi Neil, Doug had a wheelchair and mobility scooter we gave both to a local charity, I know what you mean I was so used to seeing them around the house it seems strange when they went.
It nice to have something to look forward to on Saturday, what are you going to see.
I am going to a quizz night on Saturday, hope we do better than last time came second last
Debbie X
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That neighbourhood watch is hilarious
Thankfully the furniture is all solid so it was a case of unpacking and fitting the drawer knobs otherwise it might have been a different story!
Today a friend from craft club took Granddad and I out to afternoon tea at one of mine and mums favourite places. It was lovely food and the shop looked lovely. It didn’t make me sad but I wasn’t exactly lively today.
Granddad home tomorrow so will miss him and nervous about being back on my own but onwards and upwards and if not upwards sideways a bit will do!
Beki x
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I can understand about you being nervous about him going home, but he is always on the end of a phone to talk to.
We are all here too.
Debbie x
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Hi Debbie
Dad’s equipment was returned practically straight away but Mum’s taken ages , partly because I’ve been putting it off. Next thing will be burying the ashes with Dad. Must do it when it feels absolutely right.
Hope the quiz goes well on Saturday. I used to run a quiz group on Facebook but it was too much aggravation so I gave it up.
My show on Saturday is the dance extravaganza The Car Man at the Royal Albert Hall which is having its opening night tonight
Best wishes
Neil x
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