Hi Debbie,
Love your fairies in a drawer. I’ve planted my geraniums in two drawers from an old cabinet I had in the garden. When they flower the reds and pinks will pop against the bright red cabinet. Thought I’d leave the blue paint on it to match my door, even though it does look a bit gypo!
The hedge next to my window is where the creep stands at front of house trying to see in my window.
I’ve been a bit of a curtain twitcher myself to check none of my neighbours (more likely the creep) have nicked them. I was saying to Beki I love the ornaments representing everyone’s loved ones. Mam loved fairies but didn’t do ornaments so I’ve never collected anything. My gnomes were a joke from a car bootie.
Lovely pink (can’t think of the name). I’ll not do plugs again. Really disappointed that there’s not much growth, despite the warm weather and rain we’ve had. Lost some. And all the work I’d done in caring for them. Hoping to get them in next week and see if they take.
I needed the garden project to get me through but feel I’ve reached a new plateau today. Even my therapist said I was like my old self again. Did still get upset talking about dad and my sister. Planning on swimming with my niece but couldn’t book up using the online site. Shocked at the cost. £7.10 for 50 mins lane swim. Can’t just turn up and regulated numbers for covid. So every time I go with my niece it will cost £14.20. Was going to make it a routine thing but I don’t think so now. Even a trip to the woods will be expensive with petrol after watching the news about the average £100 to fill a family car. I’ve got a seven seater (got it to fit everyone in with all their bumph when we visited mam and dad). Outrageous! Train fares are also going up. This will all have a knock on effect for prices and deliveries. Where will it end? I sound like such an oldie!
I’m wondering if my good mood will last or be snuffed out and I’ll be back to my new normal. I’ll let you all know!
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
It’s hard to let go of anything that represented your mam. It’s true that someone else will benefit from it. I remember how terrified mam was in her wheelchair when dad was pushing her. She didn’t trust him to not let go! He never did.
I’m pleased you have your Sat. show to look forward to. Only one day to go. It’s strange how time either goes at a snails pace (when I’m stuck in my bedroom) or is so speeded up (when I’m in the garden) that I never know where I am with it. No balance. You could get into a new book or series on you tube. I love watching ‘karens’ in America where basically really rude and entitled people scream and shout about getting their burgers or road rage or fighting each other. It’s hilarious. People record them and then post so its all true. I also watch ‘Soft white underbelly’ where the photographer/interviewer gives a voice to the homeless with all manner of problems (drink, drugs, mental health). I find it fascinating how self destructive people are.
Take a pic of your mams chair before it goes. Then you’ll always have it but have a lot more space too!
I was just saying to Debbie I’m in a very upbeat good mood and wondering when I’m going to crash back down to earth. Even listened to music in the car going to my therapy. And nothing prompted it. I just did it. Very surreal. It was on but no connection or feeling to it. I was always too upset before. Don’t know whether speaking to my sister and texting my niece has boosted me after feeling so isolated. Hoping to go swimming with my niece if I can rob a bank first! £7.10 for 50 mins swim. Outrageous! They aren’t getting the numbers in because of covid so have to increase costs. I can’t remember what it was before. Haven’t been since just before covid hit. I was swamped by children in the changing room and left my hair wet to get away from them! Got a stinking cold and never swam again. It was January.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
I dont think we can help how we feel. It just happens. One minute upbeat and crashing back down again in despair and the worst thing we dont know when it’s going to happen.I have noticed I’m having more better days than bad so that is improvement since the beginning of the year.
That is a good idea to photograph the wheelchair and I will do so. I didnt do that with Dad’s as he had an accident where the wheel came off and he fell out and ended up in A&E so didnt want to be reminded of that.
Hope you will be able to go swimming and that you will be able to keep upbeat
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Beki,
The time has gone so quickly for your grandad being with you. That was lovely going out to eat at one of your mams favourites. You probably expected to feel sad and it’s strange when your reaction isn’t how you expected it. I was just saying I’m in a really upbeat, positive mood and don’t know why. Think contact with my niece and sis has been good to let me see I’m not as isolated as I thought and nobody is having a party and not inviting me. There’s some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one who’s struggling.
Going to dig out my cossie and try again withy the online booking site. Nightmare. Can’t reactivate account or create new or do new password because emails are not being sent. Drives me mad when technology doesn’t do what it is saying it’s doing. And so expensive too. It’s not because I’m mean. I’m just shocked at £7.10 for 50 mins swimming up and down a lane. Not sure how many I’ll get in in that time but pre covid I got quite fit. Daren’t look at myself in the nud now! Fully clothed at all times and have candles on for bath time. Will be interesting just how wobbly I’ve become during covid.
We’re all here for you when grandad leaves. Bet he’s looking forward to coming back again. And with summer here (you wouldn’t think it) you can plan some nice things to do next time.
Keep posting.
Lots of love xxx
You could add a photo of your mam and maybe’s drape her favourite outfit over the seat so it’s more special than just a pic of the chair without your mam. Add her little slippers to the feet bits. It’s like dressing the chair. Some might think it’s daft but that’s what I would do myself. xxx
Hi Christine:)
That was a very nice thing to do and offer Susie to join our wee gang and if she does she will be most welcome but she’ll find we’re all crazy x
When you were describing your wheelbarrow…all I could see is some kind of Good Life scenario with you as a Barbara Good lol x my new watering can is still in my new container as still pouring just now lol x however I’m a bit pissed off at the gardeners who did my garden and I’m going to message them as there are weeds starting to come through my gravel already and when I went to pull them out I see the weed membrane doesn’t cover right up to the fence!! Going to see what they say and if they can’t come up with anything then I haven’t done my feedback review of their services yet so would be in their best interest to do something…will keep you updated on that x
Very pleased to hear you text your niece (and did laugh at the thought of you swimming in poo lol) and that you had a pleasant day overall but was saddened to hear about your neighbour and his cat x
Funny what you were saying though and when I thought about it you are so true. When people are having issues because of grief etc, society appears to accept, pity and tolerate people more if they are seen to ‘be helping themselves’ by taking medication to sort themselves out and normalise it but people like yourself who don’t want to medicate themselves are almost scorned by society in parts because they are seen as ‘not helping themselves’ and people like your dad unfortunately seem to be of that generation that if you can’t just ‘get over it’, won’t take a pill then it’s easier to ignore them.
I agree with your sister that he perhaps is annoyed but it’s easier to be annoyed at you than to admit he’s in the wrong. I personally wouldn’t phone him again but that’s me…I am too stubborn for words lol x
Hope you have a good evening and will try get some photos tomorrow of my can xx
Hi Neil,
Just wanted to give you a spiritual hug for support when your mums equipment is picked up and although you won’t ever forget it a photo would could be something that you may like to look at at some point x
Looking forward to hearing about your show at the weekend as again it’s not one once heard of so you are always educating me which I love x
My friend said today our tickets for Wicked have arrived so that’s exciting x
Just wanted to let you know I’ll be thinking of you xx
How beautiful! I think Cal loves her but she couldn’t give a toss either way. Is he allowed in there? Can’t work out that look. Is it happiness? Think it is. Bless! Or it’s the ‘I’ve been caught’ face. But I think he’s purring. Obviously enjoying wooing her!
Hi Suzanne,
I fear I’ve already frightened Susie with my melancholy rant. Hope she join us though, even to read the posts and know we’re all in it together. I do feel a bit unhinged today. Not feeling that heavy sadness weighing me down is freaking me out. Still feeling positive in a scatty kind of ‘it’s not really me’ way.
Yes, I’ve become Barbara (minus the wellies and dungarees) when I was always the other one - dressed up, full makeup and hair, long nails. Dolly bird. Would only step foot in the garden if the sun was out to get a tan, even though I was already orange from the sunbed. It’s like I have become the opposite of who I used to be. But this is so much more fun. Got another couple of arches up to transform the shed area of the garden. Will take pics tomorrow if I can find my battery charger. It’s a mystery where its gone and I’m usually so tidy.
Threaten to put pics of the weeds (does your camera have the date on it?) all over social media and whatever review companies you can to damage their reputation. They’ll soon come back and put right the job you actually paid them to do. Trading Standards.
Yes, I was heartbroken when I heard my neighbours cat can’t have an op to make him better. Having had cancer twice myself and had it cut out and lived to tell the tale I have a very black and white attitude. So it hit me like a tonne of bricks and he was trying to get me to stop crying because he didn’t want to deal it and get upset himself. I didn’t show any emotion before mam and now I have no barrier and just don’t care if I’m sobbing in public.
OMG you are so true about social attitudes towards grief and mental instability in general. I just cannot tolerate being told what is best for me when I know what is best for me. My dad and sister have no respect (hate that word because it is used so freely and in the wrong context) for me as an independent adult. I have to right to choose, as does my sister. I’m not telling her to not take medication. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with anything to get you through if it helps. But I want to face it head on and deal with it myself. I have the right to do that. I still can’t understand why I’m the focus of their attention because mam has died. I have not changed who I am. I am grieving for my mam.
Had a good session today and my therapist said I’m more myself . I was chatting about dad and my sister. I remembered something from a visit before the fight and when I was leaving asked dad if I could phone to let him know I’d got back ok and hadn’t broken down on the way home. I always phoned mam and she worried if I wasn’t on time. Dad said no. That he would assume I was ok. I asked again, explaining how anxious I am about driving myself and he refused again. My therapist determined that that is cruelty. I agree. He refuses to care about me now that mam has gone. I won’t be phoning him, despite my sister telling me to, that’s what she would do. But I explained to her he wants nothing to do with me because he does not like me. Simple. I see what he is and will not accept that behaviour. He cannot bully me. I expect him to own his anger and not tell me I am angry when I’m not (I’m bloody frustrated by him most of the time). He hasn’t phoned in about however many weeks now and I doubt he will. He did this to me. Because I love mam so much. What parent does that top their child? I’m still really baffled by it. But I think he’s done it to me before I do it to him, even though I wouldn’t have even thought about doing that. He is so heartless and selfish. My sister still thinks it must be a reaction to something I have said or done, even though I explained what had happened.
So despite that, I’m still upbeat. I think knowing my sis is as upset as I am helps me feel less isolated. Looking forward to swimming with my niece if I can ever get booked up on their useless site. I just hope the woman wearing a shirt and nothing else (no pants !!!) isn’t there when we go. She was asked to leave and couldn’t understand why. The hairy bollocks on some people!
I’ll take a pic of my defunct wheelbarrow. Wonder if the car tyre pump would work? Might try it.
Lots of love xxx
Yeah I couldn’t stop Cal going in there if I tried (which I have done on many occasions lol) and worse thing is Apollo (the bunny) is a boy so it’s more like Romeo and Romeo x They give each other company when I’m out for hours in end and I think Apollo canna be arsed with him most times but he tolerates him and I’m sure Cal is just too simple to notice x
If you had asked your dad for reassurance and help like phoning him and he denied it then I do believe that to be cruel too like your therapist said. Even if he hadn’t wanted to or couldn’t talk he could have said ‘give me three rings and hang up’ then that would have been a compromise but to say no is just disrespectful and nasty.
Like you I wouldn’t be phoning him. I didn’t with my dad and personally it made no difference to me as he’d always been cruel. I envy people who have had a good relationship with their dads…always wanted a Pa Walton or Pa Inglis (mum loved those programmes) x
12 weeks today for me, almost to the minute . Though if you’d told me 12 weeks ago I would still be going I’d have thought you mad.
Granddad has just set off home. It is very tempting to just go back to sleep which seems to be my go to but trying to stay (semi) awake. Got a package of Donald Russell frozen meals arriving in the next hour so need to be awake for that.
There is plenty for me to do - cleaning etc but have taken half a Valium as a bit shaky and going to just watch some brain fart tv and maybe do some bits on my grief works app and grief journal.
Went outside to wave granddad off and moved some weeds out of the bedding plants and saw a beautiful ladybird- covered in lots of spots and we always heard more spots, the more good fortune.
My friend Vanessa is popping over after work and seems stopping! I though my she was just popping by to see me over the weekend but just had a message to say she has packed her bag for her holiday at mine so seems I have a house guest this weekend
I bought quite a bit of equipment for mum over the year, including her crutches which she decorated with diamanté.
I know a lot of these items could be useful to others but I can’t get rid of them and they can always be lent to friends if needed, or if I ever bits myself (I have achy hips so sometimes the crutches look alluring!!)
I sometimes hired a wheelchair for trips and have a picture of one of them with Pippin cat sat on it - he has to be in and around everything
I hope today isn’t too upsetting for you. They were the tools that enabled you to make some lovely memories which you will now treasure forever 🫂
Hi Beki
Mum’s equipment was on loan so has to be returned at some point . Not sure when they are coming to collect , just waiting to hear.
At first it was a comfort to have it all still here but now becoming a bit upsetting seeing it here. Will take some photos though to keep .
Hope your Friday is as good as it can be
Love and best wishes
Neil x
Food arrived! Had meat from Donald Russell before and it’s been good so trying the offer bundle of 14 ready meals (predominantly pasta which suits me) £50 and 2 free individual cheesecakes too. Can just pad out with bits of fresh salad, fruit etc
It can be cooked from frozen so hopefully much less waste. I do a Tesco shop when feeling okay and the. End up wasting a load of it if my appetite trails off etc or I am just so tired of been a work/emotional day. So hopefully they’ll be okay.
Can’t over emphasis how important it is we give ourselves breaks and make things easier where we can. I saw a meme the other day - can’t face the washing up, wash one dish. Can’t face a shower, wash your face. 1% is better than none. Really resonates with me as keep feeling so hard on myself that I should be doing better, trying more etc.
Sorry I am probably in spam the thread mode today!!
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x They give each other company when I’m out for hours in end and I think Apollo canna be arsed with him most times but he tolerates him and I’m sure Cal is just too simple to notice 
. Though if you’d told me 12 weeks ago I would still be going I’d have thought you mad.