Hi Beki,
I just got caught up with Neil, having missed a couple of days worth. Juts got caught up in swimming, seeing my niece, doing the fishtank, getting my covid booster jab, watering the garden, seeing my friend/neighbour. So much activity which isn’t the norm for me and I am truly exhausted!
Such a shame you aren’t able to go to the Alms house. Really fab concept. I’ve never heard of it. The retirement communities are huge in America and would work if it’s not a cliquey type of community. Nothing worse than feeling left out. It’s a great idea to have daily activities for well being. I felt so much better for swimming and will work it into my week if I get a membership.
Love your terrarium. Think it was the Victorians who started that off with their exotic finds abroad. I have one in the garden which is great for seedlings. Still have all my plants to get in, though they are all potted on now. Watched the last 10 mins of Gardner’s World on Fri and always very miffed that my garden / plants doesn’t resemble his on any level. But I try. Very annoyed with myself that I bought 3 obelisks (fiddly to put together) and should have got arches for the height. I hate making mistakes. I’ll use them around the garden anyway but I just thought I’d have got more done by now. Can’t believe we’re mid June already. Still don’t know how I arrived at this point after mam.
Glad you enjoyed Funelm! That is a lovely shop. My niece and nephew have birthdays coming up so some shopping expeditions will be on the cards. I’m looking forward to getting out even though it is stressful for me. I offered to let them have a bbq at mine with their dad and I’ll go swimming. Birthdays are the perfect opportunity. Just hope the creep isn’t spying on them.
Hope the headache clears up. I had one the other day and I never get them. So debilitating.
Lots of love xxx
It really is hit and miss when the upset will occur. That’s what is so confusing. Thought I’d be really upset talking about mam to my niece but wasn’t. Nice to have some reprieve from the onslaught. Was showing my friend the shrine for mam (he loved it) and didn’t get upset. Just can’t work it out. x
I used to have that apprehension about going back to school Mon morning (hated school) . Realise that each segment of time has to be gone through as it arrives. That’s how I get through the day. So my thought is absorbed by the thing I’m doing, not what is beyond it. x
I wonder if you get upgraded as a reward for being a regular to the theatre? Could be. Very lucky indeed!
Hi Debbie, I can totally understand that feeling of havig wasted time not doing stuff together but if we could forsee the future I don’t think anyone would go to work because our values would become so focused on the people we love that we wouldn’t have anything outside of that. It’s similar for me with mam. I just wish I’d spent all my time with her, doing stuff for her, not having a life of my own outside of that. I wouldn’t have my garden and I wouldn’t have invested my time into creating my artwork. It’s only looking back that we judge ourselves on what we didn’t do.
You can catch up on my swimming etc in my post to Neil. I feel so much better for having seen my niece and gone swimming. It’s like I had a peek at the world outside and liked it after being alone for these past 6 months. Will get a membership and do it regularly. Tone up for summer. I keep threatening my niece that the tanning machine is waiting for her in the loft so I can get an all over tan without going on holiday. I can’t remember when I stopped tanning. Always feel healthier with it. Just don’t want to look like an orange umpa lumpa, like in the eighties up north.
Hope today isn’t as bad as you imagine it to be. I know you have lots planned for retirement. It will whizz by and I’m sure when you don’t have to get up for work and hear all the cars setting off you’ll feel a bit lost. That’s what happened when I stopped going out to work. The days are long unless packed with tasks.
Imagine all the children you have helped in your school. I’m sure they’ll miss you when you go. I’ve learned through therapy to imagine the thing I’m scared of and play it like a film. It helps to dissolve the fear because you’ve already reacted to it.
I have my therapy today. Looking forward to it. But I’m not overloaded with grief. I feel lighter. Its the strangest feeling.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Christine
Always lovely to hear from you. Well done for going swimming . That is a big thing for you to achieve . Really pleased that you did it.
Hope your arm will feel better as the day goes on. I think when I had the flu jab that usually causes more discomfort than the Covid jabs . As long as the jab works then I suppose you can put up with it .
Keep thinking of the Greasy Strangler again. That is exactly how I pictured him. I wonder what his house is like inside- yuk.
Tuesday always difficult but not too bad so far. I had a catch up on Twitter with my lovely dancer friend Ashley who I saw on Saturday. She always brightens my day when she posts .
Big West End show on Thursday. I will post about it tomorrow . Bought a cheap ticket a while ago and looks like it’s been upgraded. On Sat I was upgraded to a seat in the stalls worth over £50 more. I think Mum is looking down on me .
Hope you can have as good a Tuesday as possible. Yes heatwave supposed to be on the way.
Sending lots of love and best wishes
Neil x
Hi Tina,
You’ll see from my posts I do seem to be doing well at the mo but how long that lasts is anyone’s guess. How are things with the brother? If you are still locked into that battle with him I’m not at all surprised that you are feeling so low. Any one of us would be. You have lost the most loved person and ally in your life and there is no one to turn to for support. It’s really damaging to be in this constant tug of war. I walked away from my relationship because it got to a point where I could not eat. I knew I had to do something. You will find the courage to leave. I can’t imagine it will ever get any easier to stay. Something will be said or done, or you might not even be able to pinpoint it, but it will happen. Have you thought of staying at your house for a couple of nights? Don’t even tell him. Just do it. He’ll be shocked. Maybe the reality of you not being there, seeing you have that courage, will stop him and make him reflect on how he is treating you. The biggest fear is fear of fear itself. I know that. When I’m terrified of being out it’s never as frightening as I imagine it to be. Just take a little time for yourself. Walk along the beach. Feel the space you could enjoy if you moved back.
Being alone is actually liberating. You aren’t limited by others. And when you work out your daily patterns you will create a new life better than what you have now, If I can do it anyone can.
There is a scheme where you can be matched up with people so they rent a room with you but it’s a mutual understanding of helping with whatever you need. Could be something to explore. Can’t remember what it is but it was posted here. Sounded ideal for me but I only have the one bedroom.
I always think of you, especially if you don’t post. I know it seems that we are all doing stuff and finding our feet but I’m sure it will all come crashing down at some point. Everything runs its course. I’m hoping to go swimming on my own as well as with my niece. When she goes to uni I’ll be alone again. There are so many people who are alone. We just don’t see it because we are immersed in our own thoughts.
Keeps posting. We are all here for you. Even just keeping up with the reading will help. I know how desperately unhappy you are because I have been there myself. Just getting a bit of sun on your face will help. And Zoe needs her pal to play with her. Has she chewed that netting for the motorbike yet? If not I’m sure she’s just waiting for the opportunity.
Have therapy so will have to dash and wash the hair but will be back.
Lots of love xxx
Hi Neil,
Just a quick thought. I know you can get courses to help with work so maybe a computer course would be helpful through the job centre. It would give you more time in looking for a job and even maybe a grant or something for getting a laptop. It’s a way of being introduced to the world of work on a gradual setting rather than just getting something offered and having to take it. Would also look like you were being proactive in obtaining life skills. x
Hi Nic,
You’ll see from my posts to Neil I went swimming and really enjoyed it. Catching up with my niece made me realise I haven’t been excluded because nothing is happening and life has gone on as usual. They didn’t even celebrate the Jubilee and if I’d known I could have had a bbq at mine. Feeling upbeat and waiting to see how long it lasts.
It’s been 6 months now for mam and she feels quite far away at the moment. I’m sure I’ll come crashing back down to earth again soon but it’s a nice feeling to not be swamped by grief, to have some hope and feel lighter for the day ahead. It’s such a random thing and I have no trust that this happier mood will last. My niece will go swimming with me over the summer but she’s going to uni in Sept so I’ll be on my own again. Determined to not stop though. Love swimming. Whatever you can do to break up your day is worthwhile because it makes it go faster. Being back in the world was very surreal and I kept waiting for grief to catch me but it didn’t. A very odd feeling. There’s a gap between the new me where I am consumed in wanting mam back and the old me where I am a shell of who I was before. Hoping that doing more and going out and about will create a union of the two me’s!
Still need to wash my hair before therapy so really must dash. Trying to catch up with all.
Lots of love and extra kisses for the girls xxx xxx xxx
Beki you really sum it up!
Hi Suzanne,
Just catching up with everyone and you’ll see I really enjoyed swimming and catching up with my niece. She’s be off to uni in Sept so I’m hoping to make swimming a regular thing before she goes so I can continue it after on my own. Just getting out again really has lifted my spirits and it’s quite a surreal feeling, expecting grief to catch me up but it hasn’t. I’m sure it will at some point but it’s nice to have some space to just be and not be swamped with sadness.
My niece said my dad has been nasty to all so it’s not just me. Seems to be drinking a lot with huis friend so that’s not good and could explain the attitude. But I’m not treating anyone badly. There’s no excuse. It made me realise that I haven’t been excluded. No one had a party for the Jubilee. I thought everyone was having a good time and didn’t want me there but it’s not the case. It’s as if I’ve had a reality check and I’m back in the real world. Strangest feeling.
Must dash because I really must wash my hair. Always a faff. I would spend hours getting dolled up and now just can’t be arsed!
You are lucky working with such wonderful creatures. Just beautiful. I keep wondering if a dog would be the push I need to get out the house, to go for walks in the park and woods. But if it isn’t then it’s not fair on the dog. I know I have the garden but it’s not the same. Plus I’m sure all the cats would try bullying it so not a great idea.
Much love xxx
Great to hear you enjoyed swimming @christine51 and very inspiring too!
Today I am feeling a bit tough on myself. My anxiety is up and I am
Beating myself up as I don’t have the confidence to walk around to the corner shop to post some parcels that need sending. Makes me feel so pathetic. I am fine if out with a trusted friend or even a taxi but otherwise I just get very anxious. I was severely agoraphobic in my 20s and fear what if I return to that?
Making myself go to the shop would be counter productive if it makes me even worse. My sensible mind says it has a lot to contend with and just be grateful to keep going day by day at the moment.
So hard not to let your mind run away with you isnt it?
Will just take a moment to chill and then login and get some work done!
Sending everyone a 🫂
Beki x
Hi Beki
Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Never say you are pathetic . I’ve said to myself so many times over the last six months but you know what we are still here , we are surviving and trying to make the best we can from life and our loved ones would be proud I’m sure of it. No doubt I will be having bad days soon as well but I know that I will have something to look forward to in my shows and that’s what gets me through a bad day.
Soon I will be burying Mums ashes and that will be a big test for me to see how I can handle it . Has to be done though.
Hope you can get through the day as best you can
Sending love and best wishes
Neil x
Thanks Neil!
Not sure what overcame me but I gathered my parcels and went! As I walked I sent voice notes to my friend who has been such a support although she is bed bound with MS. She keeps sending me Amazon parcels of chocolate and bath goodies, words of wisdom. She is awesome.
Felt okay. Nice day. The self send parcel machine worked fine. Walked back! Now a bit she’ll shocked with myself!
Will count that as my win for the day. Will go settle to work and coast the rest of the day!!
Thank you for the words of support.
I have mums ashes in her room and think I will keep them (when they are buried it will be with her dad over a 120miles away so wouldn’t be somewhere I could just pop to if I felt the need) I’ll probably go in their too so May just keep her with me until then, efficient if nothing else! I know she’d want us all together and suddenly that feels right after all
Wishing everyone a gentle day
Beki x
Hello to everyone.
Firstly I just want to say a massive heartfelt thanks to everyone for sending kind words of support. It means a lot, especially when none of us is exactly "turning cartwheels right now.
Just had the final session of counselling (not bereavement) and I was telling her about everyone here and how that I couldn’t post when I’m feeling so bad and instead would just rather hide away. She said she could see why I would do that but it’s isolating and I should try to drop a line to everyone. It’s a bit of a blow really as it’s another thing that I was doing whilst Mum was here and now that’s gone as well. She said she could put something in place as a continuation with another service, don’t know whether to or not.
Suzanne they are lovely puppies, thanks for sharing. Neil, hope you manage with burying your Mum’s ashes. I think having to make arrangements to have Mum’s name added to the headstone had set me back a fair bit so I can see why you’d be concerned about how you’d handle it. Hope your day isn’t too bad, considering it’s Tuesday.
Nice to hear Christine that you’ve been out and enjoyed it - there’ll be no stopping you now and quite right too.
Lots of kind wishes to Debbie, Nic and Beki as well. I hope things have been reasonable. I get the motivation thing Beki. I have put so much weight on with comfort eating that I’ll have to try and lose some before I develop diabetes. The thing about comfort eating is that you are never full.
I’m going to try and attach two photos. One is just after Zoe had ran off with her bed into the garden when my back was turned and trashed it to bits the other is my patio climbing roses around the front door. The patio roses are bright pink and the unruly ones behind are the wild ones. Photo doesn’t show them that well.
Love to all. xx
Great to see you Tina. You can come her and vent and moan and groan as much as you need, we all need to do at times. And a bit like having a panic attack, I find the minute I say to someone ‘I’m having a panic attack’ it lessens immediately.
The roses look sensational. Do they have a scent?
Beki x
Hello Beki
Nice to see you too Beki. No they don’t have a scent sadly. The wild ones at the side have lethal thorns and desperately need a trim. Unless you buy specifically scented roses these days roses don’t smell like they used to in the past. Shame really.
x
Anything with wings or lots of legs makes me shiver!
Hi Beki,
Didn’t know you used to be agoraphobic too! It’s like being in a new club, just the two of us. I have PTSD after being stalked but have lived independently for 20 years now. Through therapy I have developed a way of seeing the world and how I can best negotiate it. Tackling it head on only makes the anxiety escalate to panic so I shop for everything online. You can have your parcels picked up. Just book a courier online. No need to force yourself to go anywhere. I save my effort for doing stuff I enjoy, so swimming and hoping to start going out to parks and woods on the bike with my niece. Hoping to have a little bbq for her birthday and also my nephew. Creep will be lurking and watching through the hedge but I’ll just have to have my phone ready to record him.
I feel in control and able to function when I can make decisions and get things done. Mind you if the internet collapsed I’d be totally buggared because I cannot force myself to go to the shop. Would rather starve. It has destroyed whatever confidence is developed as an adult. That is why it is so upsetting that my family are annoyed that I don’t ‘try harder’ to get better. If you can organise yourself and use the internet as a tool for getting things done you will feel a sense of achievement rather than dwell on the failure to get to the shop. It’s taken a long time to get to where I am and I am self reliant and no longer feel at the mercy of my panic because I’m not constantly testing myself to face the fear.
I hope this helps. Mam was the only person who understood and accepted my situation. She would be very disappointed if I couldn’t leave the house as planned but was never angry at me. I miss her so very much. I never thanked her for understanding what is a complex and devious condition. I am happier working from home than going out in the commute but it is isolating when I’m not immersed in a project. Still haven’t done my blog or finished the pieces I got out. But I will. Having a more relaxed attitude allows you to be less judgmental about yourself. I’m very driven and have to achieve something in my day. But today I had to sleep. Think it’s exhaustion after the booster jab. My arm is still killing.
Still waiting for my mood to drop through the floor but it still hasn’t yet. Have repairs tomorrow for the loft so hoping to get in the garden and do some planting up before I die in the heat!
Lots of love xxx