That photo of Zoe and the insides of her bed is hilarious 
and the roses are beautiful x
Just know you are loved and we very much enjoy reading your posts irrespective of whether you are having a good or bad day xx
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What is it Bruce Lee saidā¦something like donāt speak negatively about yourself even in jest because your mind and body donāt know the difference and the power of the words can make us feel bad about ourselvesā¦something along those linesā¦
So instead of thinking negatively about yourself come on here and weāll keep you boosted and your spirits up xx
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Hiya 
I was so pleased to read that you had gone swimming and that your niece confirmed that no one was ignoring you/having parties you werenāt invited to etc x believing it and having it confirmed are two different things and I wasnāt surprised to hear that but very pleased for you x
Enjoy your time with your niece especially if she is away to uni in Sept and donāt think of her going as leaving you alone because perhaps by then you may have a bit more confidence and could go swimming alone until she comes back on hols x
I suspect completely that the daily visit to/from the drinking buddy is exactly the route cause of the behaviour but heāll not see an issue with it and wonāt listen so maybe better for your mental health (now you know itās not just you) that he does stay away for the time being as living with that type of person can be very destructive x
Hope therapy went well and look forward to reading your posts 
x
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Hiya Tina,
Lovely to see you here with us. Iāve been asleep after my therapy and then skip run. I think the booster jab is taking its toll.
Your roses are such a delight! I remember you saying about how they blossom and youād have to be 9 foot tall to see them. Thatās like in my garden but it is lovely to see them as I walk through the arches.
Always lovely to see Zoe enjoying herself! The mischief on that face! And its wonderful that she has such a lovely big space to play in. I have been wondering about getting a small dog so I have a reason to go out every day to the park. But not sure that I could force myself and then would feel guilty if I didnāt walk it.
I love your wall in that pic. Very effective. I have decking with bricks and stones underneath for the pergola legs. Want to get rid of the decking and just have the bricks. Seeing yours here has inspired me! Another massive job in the garden.
I think you should accept whatever sessions are offered as it will help to keep you focused and not spiral down. My therapy really keeps me on track. Sometimes it comes round really quick and others it drags because I canāt do anything. But itās a space in which to reflect and make plans. Itās worth it. Please give it a go. And I think logging in here will be good because you wonāt feel so alone. We all think about each other throughout the day. I do. But getting your feelings out and then a reply, even if it is delayed, will make a difference to you in being less sad or understood or less judgmental (you are very hard on yourself). And it doesnāt matter what we are feeling, just that we are all here for each other. Iām waiting for my mood to drop but it hasnāt yet. Such a strange state of being, like Iām back to who I was but empty, a shell.
You will have read about the creep watching me through that hedge he keeps trimming so thereās barely any growth on it. Iāve contacted the council about him and Iām waiting to here back about putting up a fence so he canāt watch me. I need him to be told not to cut down the boundary line of mature trees and hedging. Iāve never disliked anyone as much as him and I donāt know anything about him. Iād rather be stalked than have him creeping on me, but then it is a form of stalking.
Just noticed the time. Iām hoping to catch The Great British Sewing Bee. Will pop back again later on.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Neil,
Another seat upgrade??? you should buy a lottery ticket with your lucky streak lately lol but couldnāt wish the good luck on a more deserving person so well chuffed for you. Look forward to hearing more details x
Hope your UC meeting goes well tomorrow and sometimes local libraries can give help with online forms etc or maybe you could hire a computer from them for an hour or so you could fill out your forms. As you say the job centres donāt care x
Enjoy your call with your friend tomorrow as your spirits always seem lifted after the call and maybe your dancer lady friend will chat with you again too x
Have a peaceful night and will check in with you tomorrow x
BTW I agree 
with what Nic was saying about the new Jurassic Park filmā¦enjoyable- yesā¦but some scenes had the arses dragged out of them and should have been a lot shorter lol x always great to see Jeff Goldblum though 
x
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Hi Suzanne,
Yes, swimming and seeing my lovely niece has boosted me totally and my mood hasnāt dropped off so Iām quite delirious at the mo! I was surprised that dad has been horrible to all. Doesnāt surprise me about the drinking. We moved south to stop dad drinking up north. Mam isnāt there now and he can be as self destructive as he likes. My niece was shocked at how nasty he was to me. Iāll not contact him. He doesnāt want me to. He can get on with it. Clearly not coping with his grief and moving on like he was saying. I just wonāt put up with his nonsense and thatās why heās cut me off.
I was encourage my niece to go to uni, saying how exciting it will be. She can take her bike and whizz along the pier for a break between studies and also come home weekends. Hope to visit her there too. I will still go swimming and will have gotton used to going over the summer. Hoping to have a little bbq in the garden when sheās finished her A levels. Birthday parties coming up too so lots to look forward to.
Will pop back later. Hope you are enjoying your Sat. volunteering. Will make the week go quicker having something to look forward to.
Lots of love xxx
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I wouldnāt have contacted (and didnāt) my dad either and very much because his behaviour and drinking sounds very similar to your dadsā¦admire your stance and resolute 
Itās my goddaughterās birthday today and I canna believe sheās 19!! Where the heck does the time go?? She said she didnāt want anything because now sheās working she just buys what she wants as soon as sheās paid lol x so I said if she wants anything else pierced Iāll pay for the next one as this seems to be what sheās into just now lol x
I do look forward to my Sat volunteering but Iām working the next few Sats so will see if I can go on the Sunday instead. Donāt think itāll be an issue as she said that no one really wants to volunteer in general for the weekends x
Long may you feel upbeat and chat again real soon x
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Thanks Suzanne, same to you. Iāll send Zoe your way so you can give her a quick no. 2 cut. !
Love xx
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Hi Christine
I was looking at all your roses and plants the other day but just didnāt have it in me even to post to say how fab they were. The wall is there as we had a load of bricks and I wanted to tidy the garden so I thought Iād make a wall and kill two birds with one stone. I havenāt prettied it up, itās just functional. The roses at the side of the door are just a small patch as most of them are unseen unless itās from upstairs - plants have their own ways donāt they. Have you seen that camouflage netting on Amazon? Itās not very pretty to look at but itās great for prying eyes.
Being out has probably put a fresh breeze through your mind, something different going in. Good on you.
Which Uni is your Niece going to?
Love xx
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Hi Suzanne,
It is simpler to not have to see him because I donāt have to deal with his behaviour. He has to be responsible for his own shit. Mam put up with everything and she deserved so much more. He can get on with it. Heās so stubborn and self centered he will believe he is right.
Iāve finally cracked the membership form for swimming but not sure if I can go myself or wait for my niece. Have repairs to the loft again and wanted to get some plants in before it turns too hot. Will decide later on. Iām so exhausted off the booster jab. Just canāt seem to shake it off.
Looking forward to the summer with swimming and having the children round. My little nephew will bring me some tadpoles for the pond. Havenāt seen him since before mam. Used to be very close. Still donāt know why my sister stopped speaking to me.
Piercings and tatts seems to be the thing to do. My niece and nephew have them. I did have my belly and nose done but donāt bother now. I really should make more of an effort. Things slide when I donāt go out and be around people.
Just waiting for the workman for the loft. Was awake at 6.30. Could very easily nod off again.
Shame youāre working Sat but Iām sure theyāll let you do Sundays. Such a lovely thing to do.
Lots of love xxx
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Hi Tina,
What a good idea about the camouflage netting. Hadnāt thought of that. I did get a reply from the council saying the manager would have a word with the housing officer. If this is the same housing officer as before she tried to stop my complaint about the creep and didnāt believe a word I said about the loft wall, despite the massive hole that had to be repaired. She was totally defensive of him and dismissive of me, despite the seriousness of my allegation. Baffles me still. So Iām not holding my breath on that one. Donāt know why she is involved. It is so creepy though feeling like Iām being watched and then find him just standing there. There must be something seriously wrong with him to keep doing it knowing Iāve reported him.
My niece is going to Brighton hopefully to study criminology with a view to forensics. Sheās very clever. But she could also go to one in London and commute from home. I was saying how exciting it is for her, a new adventure. And with zoom and coming back weekends or family going there to see her sheāll not feel too homesick. And sheāll be so busy with studying that the time will fly by.
Just waiting for my loft man to do expanding foam at the edge of the internal loft wall where the rats could be getting in from the creep. He must be encouraging them. Iām so careful with food.
Hope to get some planting done today before it gets too hot. Will be staying in the shade so lots of ferns and hostas to get in at the top pond.
Lots of love xxx
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Good morning to everyone
Hope you are able to enjoy this glorious weather.
Wednesday is normally one of my bad days but even though I have a UC appt Iām feeling quite good. I feel sort of re-energised and ready to deal with whatever comes at me. I just get the feeling that Mum is looking down on me and guiding me. Somehow I seem to have gained some of my old sparkle . Obviously will be ready to have some more bad days but I generally think Iāve made some progress in the last week. Still think I 've aged looking at recent photos though. I even had someone I know say I looked well.
As I mentioned a few days ago I have another show tomorrow . I will be in the West End to see Back To The Future at the Adelphi Theatre. Hope the air conditioning is working as itās supposed to be hot here tomorrow. Some of the older theatres are not great when the weather is hot.
Itās lovely to see everyone posting. I wont reply to everyone individually as I thought Iād do a general post for all. I have been reading through what you have all been doing and see there is a mixture of emotions happening and that is very normal.
You are all in my thoughts every day
Sending lots of love and best wishes to everyone
Neil x
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Hope all goes well today at your UC meeting and look forward to your friend phoning x
I remember going to the Adelphi but I canāt for the life of me remember what I saw. I had thought it was Misery but then remembered that was the Criterionā¦I might remember lol x
Heard lots of good things about Back to the Future but as I am one of the very few that havenāt even seen any of the films I wouldnāt have a clue x
Much love
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Hi Suzanne
Must admit Iām not a Back To The Future fan where it comes to the films but supposedly a spectacular show. Iāve been to the Adelphi a couple of times to see Kinky Boots and Waitress .
Might get there early and go in St Martinās In The Fields as they have a choral music concert on Thursday lunchtimes
Must be looking forward to going to Wicked very soon
Hope your Wednesday is going well so far
Love and best wishes
Neil x
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Afternoon all! Itās getting warm out there, stay cool everyone
My headache went to a vision disturbance migraine last night, woke up this morning with a cracking headache - day 6 
I think a lot of it is from my tense neck and shoulders plus hormones
I have today off and was hoping for a constructive day but think will take it easy.
My posture is definitely bad and my chiropractor has had to stop work due to Ill health (heās only 36, itās a really sad story) and that made a huge difference. Seeing the doctor on Friday
@NEILB72 enjoy the shows. My friend has talked me into a musicals night, just a local choir group performance, I will probably be thrown out for singing along
@christine51 any chance the neighbour you give a lift to would be interested in swimming?
Even having odd dreams where I am a child (but not, I am as I am now) and staying with my grandparents and keep ringing mum and asking why she wonāt come and pick me up and when is she arriving. The mind is an odd place
Beki x
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Day off not going as planned.
The visual disturbance migraine is back. It also makes me feel a bit nauseous and that makes me feel panicky. But the silliest thing is one of the cats just broke my mug. It was the last mug that Mum bought when we went on a trip to Dunelm before Christmas. She chose it because she thought it was pretty, itās very colourful with butterflies on it. And I thought she bought it for me because it had a gold B on it but she hadnāt noticed that. So we laughed about it and I started to call her but chops. The stupid thing is this morning when I went to use the mug part of my mind was saying donāt it might get broken and another part of my mind was saying donāt be silly itās a mug. The pieces are quite big so Iāve ordered one of those Japanese repair kits where you can stick something back together and it shows the cracks with the gold glue and then Iāll just put the mug away somewhere safe. Itās crazy how inanimate objects become so sentimental or important or powerful. Really not how I was hoping my day would turn out.
Beki X
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Hi Neil,
Great to see you have a sparkle back! I havenāt lost mine, though was very upset about mam this morning waking up (as usual). I do think the sunshine and heat helps with an uplift in our moods. Always feel lighter in the summer. Iām sure weāve all aged with the stress of grief. My hair is still falling out and I hardly have an appetite (always a good thing to lose some weight!) It must feel wonderful to have your mam close again. My mam feels very far away.
You will be scumphishing (one of mamās made up āhotā words) tomorrow. Fingers crossed they have air con or you will melt. Good excuse for an ice cream when youāre out and drink lots of water. Itās a nightmare for me needing the loo when Iām out, having to go more with drinking more. Enjoy your show. I remember the original with Michael J Fox. Still lived up north then. Loved the eighties.
I got quite a bit done planting up after the workmen had finished in the loft. But I did discover a lump of bread thrown over the fence from the creep. It was waiting for me when I started planting. How juvenille is he!? Iāve had to report him because it will attract rats again into my garden after all the work has been done (at great expense to the council). I also discovered a large tree heās chopped down from the boundary line of trees, another issue I have already reported. He is so pathetic! Hope the council come down hard on him. Iāve sent pics to them (felt very childish taking a pic of the bread but itās evidence). And so the fun continues.
Have a fab day tomorrow. Be thinking of you while I die in the heat in the shade of the garden doing mams puzzle book.
Lots of love xxx
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I loved the film āKinky Bootsā. Didnāt realise theatre did so many actual films.
So pleased youāre also going to the concert. What a wonderful day you have planned. Enjoy it xxx
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Hi Beki,
That must be horrendous to have those migraines. I donāt normally get headaches but since the booster itās felt like my head is in a vice. Not so bad today but still there.
Would swimming help with your posture and physical stress? Itās very calming and soothing for me with my anxiety. I feel free. My friend did mention about coming swimming. Heād have to give up the drink first. Donāt think you can go swimming when youāre constantly pissed! Heās a lovely soul and very chilled but really needs to sort himself out. Only he can do it for himself though. Looking forward to going again with my niece. She has exams in the next 2 days and then next week.
Your dream about being a child again and not being picked up by your mam describes your vulnerability and helplessness. All you want is your mam and she canāt be there. The mind is very clever at creating a puzzle to deal with trauma. Makes perfect sense really.
Youāll see from my post to Neil my creep has been at it again, throwing bread in my garden when Iāve just had the repairs done in the loft because of the rats. Iāve taken pics and reported him. He is so pathetic! Words cannot describe my hatred for him. Hope he gets a massive bollocking from the council.
Ah Iāve just noticed your post about the mug. Donāt be sad. When itās repaired with gold you can use it as a very special vase. Line it with plastic so the water doesnāt erode the glue. It will become something more special than just a mug. I know how things become so sentimental. Mam always wore a thistle brooch from when I was little. I found it when we were doing mams clothes. It was on a coat for the charity shop and I asked Dad if I could have it but my sister accused me of stealing it and I couldnāt keep it after that, like it was contaminated. I think about it a lot. I always picture mam in her suede coat. Getting upset now so will go. But you can enjoy your cup. Pick some lovely flowers out of the garden for your mam. Sheād like that.
Lots of love xxx
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Love Kinky Boots and the film is on TV this weekend x
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